To think that as you age you become more introverted and selfish ?

[Theclockkeepstickingtowards2026]

Just as the thread title says really . Since the menopause I have started to put my self first in every way . I can’t believe that I tolerated and cared about certain people and situations. I can’t believe how much time I have wasted on certain people and worrying about stuff that I really shouldn’t have done . Does anyone else feel the same ?

I responded to the original ageist dig.

Yes, your needs come before others, less fucks given, less patience.
My NDN has got even more nosey and more narky, my mid 40's ass wants to tell her mid 60's to stop stalking me.
I am finding it harder ignore her passive aggressive nature.

Definitely.

It’s funny because I can clearly remember being young, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed seeing older women acting like I feel now and promising myself I wouldn’t get like that.

Young me and now-me would get along if we met but I’d think she was incredibly naive and overly fawning.

Yes, absolutely! I’m far less tolerant of other people’s shit and feel no guilt putting myself first in terms of mental and physical health. I also couldn’t give a shit what other people think of me.

A far cry to how I used to be. Always running around after everyone and agonising over their opinions.

It’s liberating!

It wasn't the menopause, it was turning 60 and realising very clearly that I had a limited number of years ahead of me so they had to be spent wisely.

I wouldn't say I have become introverted, I care far less about other people's opinions so have possibly become a bit more extroverted. And I wouldn't say I have become selfish, but I am more choosey about who and what I say "yes" to.

@Thepeopleversuswork
The average woman spends her life endlessly worrying about other people; her husband/partner, her kids, her employer, her parents and siblings, her friends, school network, volunteer groups and so on and so on. Even pretty confident and ballsy women get roped into a lot of shit that is essentially not their responsibility and not their problem because they are women.
Obviously being obnoxious to people close to you isn't great. But I'm going to take a wild guess that you spend a lot of time smoothing over your irritation in various situations to keep the peace on a daily basis. If you're like most women you will have gone along with things you didn't want to do, tolerated people you didn't like, given up your time for people who didn't pay for it or appreciate it, spent money doing things you're not interested in etc etc
I couldn’t agree more and, at 71, I cba to be a people pleaser any longer.

It’s the drop in oestrogen. Is this how men wander through their lives?

Yes I recognise this as well.
These small but pleasant and meaningful interactions make life nicer

Oh yes men definitely put their needs first .

I’m less introverted. I’ve never been a people pleaser or a doormat but I don’t think that is the same as being selfish.

I think most of us get more assertive as we age and I have to say I am less inclined to people please now and have done so from quite some time ago not just since the menopause. When I retired I actually told my DH I was going to do the things I wanted and he had always resisted and now I am out doing things I enjoy with new friends and hobbies and he is at home pottering as he always has enjoyed. Life is too short to waste time if there are things you want to do or places you want to go.

I don't know if I've become more selfish, I hope not. I know that now my children are grown up and I don't have to put them first any more I'm doing more things just for me, but that might not be ageing so much as having spent twenty five years raising kids. I've never been introverted, but I do get tireder more easily so I'm not up for days on the trot doing stuff. Am over 60 and trying to spend my remaining years well and wisely.

Women give so much in their younger years. I think at a certain point you literally run out of fucks to give.

I'm less sociable, but have been heading that way for a looong time! I don't think I'm more selfish though. I wasn't a martyr, a people pleaser or a doormat in the first place though. I've always been a bit baffled people who slog away 'doing all the giving' with no thanks, reward or reciprocation tbh.

I don't think it's selfish to put yourself first. Society just expects women to martyr their needs to men and family and hormones facilitate it. When those hormones recede we are just more likely to want something for ourselves.

I may be the only person here who has become very extroverted after menopause and keen to go out all the time. By which I dont mean wild parties but I go to the theatre, the cinema, galleries etc etc. And happy to chat with anyone.

And I want to make lots more friends!

I will show myself out. 😆

Introverted and tolerant, for me.

My father had a theory that you only have a certain number of words you can speak in your lifetime and they run out at some -unknown- point. It proved useful when he was the oldest of 5 children and he would tell this to younger siblings who irritated him by talking incessantly.

I reckon he'd like the concept of running out of fucks.

I know I do.

I have run out of fucks for my DC certainly. ( they are adults).
But not fot friends or experiences or travel.

So a poster had an anonymous dig online about someone (who isn't nice to her by the sounds of it) where they would never see it so no harm done and you decided the proportionate reaction was to have a personal dig at them directly about their character with the clear aim to upset them. Wow.

I'm not introverted but I prioritise my health and wellbeing over everything now my children are adults. The penny dropped that this vintage mind and body of mine needs proper care if its going to allow me to make the most of my remaining 30 (maybe 40!) or so years on this planet. If I don't look after myself physically and mentally, nothing else in my life is going to go well. I don't consider it selfish as no one suffers from it. Its essential maintenance.

I think since middle age I’ve actually felt more enjoyment and confidence in other people’s company, as I don’t give a shit anymore about impressing anyone. It frees up a lot more energy and attention to genuinely listen to other people, and interact wholeheartedly, and have proper belly laughs.

I don’t think I’ve become more selfish, but I’ve become much clearer in my own mind when a dynamic or relationship is a waste of my time and energy, and I cut my losses and move on. I’m fairly clear about what I can offer people in terms of contact and friendship, and if they want more than I’m willing or able to give, that’s ultimately not my problem. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t reflexively do everything other people ask or want anymore, just because they want it. I take time to think about it properly. And people respect me more, and I resent other people less, and when I help and support others I’m happy to do it. Being able to say no frees me up to really mean my yes.

I’m much happier than I used to be to trust my own experience, intelligence, and ethical framework rather than worry about what others think I should do. Most other people, I’ve discovered, are FAR more anxious than I am! And often very black and white about things. I trust in my ability to think clearly and with nuance, to assess risk and to solve problems, so I’m not going to have my life dictated by other people’s random fears and insecurities.

One of the things that has allowed me to be a bit more extroverted as I’ve got older is that I don’t at all mind coming across as cold and aloof to people who are needy and demanding. These people will be disappointed in you no matter what you do for them. It's their whole thing. The more you do for them, the harder they work to turn you into the abandoning bad guy who let them down. You could give them your last kidney, and they’d feel hurt and offended that you didn’t hand over your liver as well. Far more efficient just to be the bad guy from the start and avoid all the drama (and keep your kidneys).

Back in the day when I thought my job was to rescue everyone, I avoided a lot social situations because I felt totally engulfed and steamrollered by other people’s need. Now I know in my bones that other people’s lives and emotions are their own responsibility, I feel more at ease among other people, and give more freely and authentically of myself.

I don't think level of introversion/extroversion typically changes much, although people may be more isolated when older, out of choice (and financial and emotional ability to maintain e.g., living alone, not having to go out to work, etc.) or circumstances. But I mainly think what you may see as increased or comparative selfishness is often just the setting of stronger boundaries.

As a minor, everyone has control over you. As a young adult, you may be accepting more help than you're able to give and "going along" quite a bit - first job, career advancement, getting a uni place and keeping it if you want, a place to live (likely with flatmates), meeting and vetting a life partner if you want one - all mean compromising and appearing at least somewhat cooperative (even, sometimes, submissive). Then being part of a couple, having and raising children, rising through the ranks at work, fitting into your community for the sake of your family even if you don't strongly need that connection all take sacrifice. (Of course, not everyone does all or any of these and that's fine, but a lot of people do). Children becoming adults and being mostly self-sufficient, especially if they move out or are away at uni, is a big transition. It can also change your relationship with your partner if you have one - in a good relationship you've been through so much together it feels very secure, and in a less good one the idea of splitting up seems less frightening and more possible. Often, you're much more secure at work, too - you may be making the decisions rather than hoping someone gives you a chance. And you have a lot of life experience to fall back on, so you're better able to evaluate a situation and spot exploitation and people taking advantage of you and now that you're mainly responsible just for yourself, you're more likely to be able to say no.

Yeah, I've seen this with menopausal women a lot. I think as your oestrogen goes you lose the mothering / caring / nurturing impulses a bit. It doesn't mean you get selfish as such - more like you're less tolerant when others are selfish. Less inclined to take any crap. Not feeling like you have to sort out problems you didn't create and so on. It's great!