To think that as you age you become more introverted and selfish ?

[Theclockkeepstickingtowards2026]

Just as the thread title says really . Since the menopause I have started to put my self first in every way . I can’t believe that I tolerated and cared about certain people and situations. I can’t believe how much time I have wasted on certain people and worrying about stuff that I really shouldn’t have done . Does anyone else feel the same ?

Like some of the posters upthread I have never much cared about what others thought of me, especially random people I am never going to meet again. I am well past menopause and have always stood up for myself. Ive also become unashamedly transactional since I began to run my own business. Time is money, So if you want me to do x for you what are you going to do for me? Im not a charity Im a businesswoman so I will give you a price.

I've had this revelation but I'm 33.

I am the same, though I don't think it's related to menopause for me even though I'm 46. I link it to the lockdowns - I've dropped contact with quite a few people since then, as I have no tolerance for them, and have stopped volunteering my time for anything that isn't something that I specifically want to do. I've always been an introvert but sometimes would push myself out of my comfort zone as we are fed so much pressure to do that - now I realise that I'm entitled to live in comfort and don't owe my time or attention to anyone else. I think it's really positive that people are more assertive with their boundaries.

One of the joys for menopause for me is that I have a much lower tolerance for crap.

I spent most of my life being a people-pleaser. Having a mother who told me all the tiem how worthless I was and such a disappointment meant that I thought I had to turn myself inside out to be selfless otherwise I was not worthy of love or respect.

I'm over that now and I fucking love it. I no longer allow myself to be walked over and I have learned how to assert myself quietly. Not aggressively, but with resolute intent.

I thank menopause but I also tbh thank Mumsnet. It's reading the advice of many wise women over now 15 years that has gotten me to this point.

Yes I when Lockdown came I think a lot of people realised what was important in life and used the time to reflect on their life and what they wanted out of it .

Coming out of the other side of the Menopause was like an Ephithany for me . It was as if my head cleared and I could clearly see what I had done right and what I had done wrong over the years . Plus a health scare and time in hospital showed me who truly cared . All that matters now is my health and family.

I have zero inclination to be anywhere I don't want to be. I ll do it for my children, and for my job, and occasionally for my siblings and that's it.

I've found I'm an more extroverted which is odd. As I was very much an introvert.

I agree with pp that's it's probably due to people finally accepting that you can't please all of the people all of the time so you give up martyring yourself. People pleasing is selfishly transactional which is why people feel so aggrieved when their sacrifice isn't reciprocated. If you focus on being OK with yourself without the approval of others you can give far more graciously and generously because you're looking after yourself first.

With me, I’ve just realised that time is precious and I won’t waste it. This extends to work, friends and all areas of my life. I’m just not going to force myself to do things that don’t bring me joy anymore.

As someone said above, I used to volunteer a lot of hours for a small charity but the trustees were unpleasant at times and made life difficult. It was the fund raising that kept me going at the time and thinking of the bigger picture but I had a fuck it (them) moment and resigned. I received many messages asking me to return but have politely declined. There’s just no way now I would donate so much of my time, when it gave back very little.

Same with unpleasant friends. I used to think I had to maintain the relationship at all costs. Now I realise I dreaded seeing them and most interactions with them left me feeling like shit. I just decline invitations to meet now. I was worried I would feel lonely or regretful but I don’t. I feel free. I spend my time with people whose company I enjoy.

At work I used to do extra hours, be flexible and do things outside my role. If I wanted time off to attend reading morning or the like I was essentially forced to beg and grovel for it. It grated on me. Now I do the bare minimum and swan in and out like I own the place. I’m much happier!

Some may see it as selfish but as I’ve got older I’ve realised it’s a case of self preservation and self care.

I don’t think I’ve become more introverted, but I have stopped tolerating difficult people and people I don’t like. I used to be very good at spending time with people who I could not stand (eg certain family members) with a smile just because it was polite. Now I don’t waste my time on them. I haven’t seen them since the pandemic and never plan on seeing them again if I can help it! The pandemic made me realise how much better life was without certain people in it. So for me it’s nothing to do with age, just the pandemic lockdowns giving me a wake up call about how I spent my time when it was over.

Their other sil isn't keen either so they're the common denominator

I'm surprised you have any friends tbf.

I think as you get older OP everything seems like a lot more effort than it did when you were young. You realise how complex people are and how difficult they can be once you get past the superficial - and they can easily just seem like a lot of work one way or another. You no longer feel you have to do things you did when you were young to fit in, you have work and your own family to concentrate on and worry about - and I for one often don't feel I have much head space left beyond that.

Yes, but I'm well past the menopause as 68. I'm not sure about "more introverted" although I no longer like dragging my arse out to things on cold winter nights. But I definitely prioritise me now whereas I used to worry myself stupid about not doing favours for people or declining social occasions and the like. My epiphany came when my DH died 10 years ago, and it was ratified by the lockdowns. I suddenly saw the world in a whole new light and haven't looked back.

More confident and assertive, not afraid to say "NO" anymore. Yes, that's me now.

Yes I agree. I’m sick of other people

To think that as you age you become more introverted and selfish ?

Agree, although I would describe it as less willing to take people's bullshit rather than being selfish.

Not so much introverted, just no longer care what people think of me. I’ve become more assertive and don’t put up with others shit.

Yes, although in my case it's more about having been heavily let down by people, including my husband leaving me and some truly shocking behaviour from friends and family members during the long caregiving of my late parents' terminal illnesses. Plus WFH doesn't help. I have become very comfortable with my own company and put myself first now. Am 51 and just about post-menopausal. I guess I've become more selfish in that I feel I've given enough of myself now and for a long time ahead, and I'm less interested in other people than I've ever been. When your life teaches you how many people have feet of clay, you don't look to others for much anymore.

Much of the reason I don't want to marry again is because I have no intention of taking on someone else's circus at my age. You do marry the family, despite what everyone says, and I don't want all the problems and hassle. Also don't want to be chased for regular sex. I do like sex, but I want it on my terms when I want it, and I want my bed to myself.

I guess this is selfish.

Yes, I've learned to say no, to not be a people pleaser, to smile politely but not engage when some cf is asking me a favour in a roundabout way.

I don't agree that's it's selfish to put you're own needs first at all. Being selfish is only caring about your own needs and I do still care about others to!

I suppose I no longer have as much energy.
so now I choose to spend time with people where there is reciprocity and I feel better for seeing them.
I think too many people are like dementors - they suck the life and happiness from you and expect to monologue constantly about themselves.
I noticed who was there for me when things got tough as well.

I'm not sure if it's menopause, age, losing both of parents a few months apart within the last 2 years or my divorce, but I'm much more out going and sociable, I have more confidence than ever and I enjoy going out and doing new things. I also couldn't care less what people think about me, with the exception of my children and boyfriend - and they're all fully supportive of me.

I know I don't want to spend time with people who moan constantly and can't see the joy in life. It's too short!

Yes, absolutely. Not sure I'd call it selfish, more that you're less inclined to tolerate crap from others, and more unwilling to put up with things you might have done earlier.

Another thing is that once you get past your official retirement age you can look back with satisfaction and know that you contributed and "did your bit." So its now time for younger and fitter people to get up off their asses and do likewise. When I head younger generations saying how boomers (how I hate that espression) have stitched them up I am tempted to remind them that they have not yet put their share into the community. So in 20-30 years they will be the older people being moaned about.