To think that as you age you become more introverted and selfish ?

[Theclockkeepstickingtowards2026]

Just as the thread title says really . Since the menopause I have started to put my self first in every way . I can’t believe that I tolerated and cared about certain people and situations. I can’t believe how much time I have wasted on certain people and worrying about stuff that I really shouldn’t have done . Does anyone else feel the same ?

Since I turned 40, I definitely dont care what people think and put up with less crap. And no, i was never a people pleaser or a doormat, like some on this thread have said. Caring about others and wanting to be liked, doesnt make you a doormat. I still had boundaries.

I think age and experience have alot to do with it. I've gone through certain situations that have made me realise that I will always be OK by myself. I dont need anyone, and that is empowering.

I've always been introverted but im fine with it now. When I was younger I used to force myself to go to parties and on nights out because of fomo and a feeling that I should be partying as this is what all 20 somethings do. Now I don't go anywhere unless I really want to.

Definitely applies to me.

Loss of oestrogen equals zero fucks given.

I definitely please myself more, and am not too concerned about whether others like it.
No problems turning down invites, favour requests, plans and ideas if they aren't what I want.

I turned down a prize giving night for DH's hobby this weekend. Never done that before. I said to him 'Do you mind if I don't? I have had 25 years of spending evenings listening to people wang on about [hobby] and I want to stay home this weekend. Can you take [insert friend of his] instead?'

He just said 'fair enough'. Friend was pleased to be asked. Dcs and I plan for pizza and netflix. DH will love chatting away with his mates.

I feel really proud of myself tbh. I have put my foot down on other more wide reaching things and major things but this was one of the first times I am truly pleasing myself just because.

Selfish? I’m not sure about that one, I think my friends that were selfish in youth still are, I don’t notice my more aware friends becoming selfish.

Reframe “selfish” as “finally having a chance to consider my own needs” and yes, completely agree.

Zero apologies for loving it.

I'm less of a people pleaser, not tying myself in knots trying to keep other people happy, and not worrying about it if I haven't.

But I have more time and patience to go out of my way to speak to random people at bus stops or help someone with a heavy load of shopping. To say something nice to people serving in shops or restaurants.

I tolerate less shit, but I think I'm much kinder.

I havent had the joy of going through the menopause yet but my DM definately became more selfish. It was difficult because her menopause clashed with our mid to late teens and she was less emotionally available when we needed her. It was like someone had flicked a switch. She then moved away as soon as she was able to. She was very little help when we had babies and young children. Now she is older and is approaching needing care she has moved near us and is creeping back up to us again.

I hope I become less of a people pleaser but I really don't want to check out on my DCs.

This post has amused me - I love it

This!

Selfish: yes. Introverted: no.

A lot of people pleasers (of whom the majority are women) have a bit of a Road to Damascus moment during menopause when they learn to stop putting other people's needs first. I do care a whole lot less about what people think of me, I'm far less fussed about "missing out" on things and far less likely to suffer people I don't respect (unless they pay me).

I don't buy the link with introversion though: its very fashionable on here for everyone to be an introvert. Most of the time when people talk about being an introvert they actually mean a misanthrope. Menopause can make people grumpier and and more withdrawn and for the reasons above it tends to make people more direct. And sometimes I think because you're less of a people pleaser you're more likely to say no to social things.

But this isn't the same as being an introvert. I go out far less than I did 20 years ago but if anything I'm more socially outgoing than I was as a young person because I'm much more comfortable with myself.

This. I’ve always put myself first and I haven’t yet reached the menopause

I've always been an introvert and only rarely made myself go out and socialise when I didn't care to (outside of things I've had to do or occasionally for the handful of people I love). I don't do things I don't want to do, unless they're basically required of me, and I've been that way for most of my adult life. Not sure what's left to change after menopause, because I'm pretty much there already, as far as that goes. Maybe I can shed even more of caring what others think of me. That would be nice.

What a shame it’s taken the menopause to have the scales fall from your eyes.

I do think we need to think about how we socialise girls and young women not to just unquestionably take on the societal responsibilities that are just assumed of women. So many threads on MN illustrate how young mothers are still burdened while men come in from work and still get to enjoy the gym and the Xbox.

We need to be teaching and empowering our daughters and granddaughters now.

Not necessarily more introverted, but pickier about who I spend my time with and when. I'm more aware of the fact that I won't be around forever and only want to use my time on people who I feel invested in. Going to a party full of people I'll never see again sounds like a waste to me at this point.

Absolutely and I fucking love it.
I've never been happier to be me, I just don't give a shit what other people think, or say, and as a Gender Critical/Sex Realist woman, they have a lot to say.

I think I’m the opposite to you, I see it as a bad thing, in peri myself and I hate that I’ve less tolerance, am more ready to snap, more angry etc. I don’t see it as a good thing that we make things all about us

Not if you've spent your entire life putting other people's needs first it's not.

The average woman spends her life endlessly worrying about other people; her husband/partner, her kids, her employer, her parents and siblings, her friends, school network, volunteer groups and so on and so on. Even pretty confident and ballsy women get roped into a lot of shit that is essentially not their responsibility and not their problem because they are women.

Obviously being obnoxious to people close to you isn't great. But I'm going to take a wild guess that you spend a lot of time smoothing over your irritation in various situations to keep the peace on a daily basis. If you're like most women you will have gone along with things you didn't want to do, tolerated people you didn't like, given up your time for people who didn't pay for it or appreciate it, spent money doing things you're not interested in etc etc.

Has it ever crossed your mind that if you just calmly say no to people you might find you actually snap at people less? Because you've been upfront from the getgo that you don't like something, don't want to do it. Rather than doing things and seethingly silently inside. You've lost the cognitive dissonance and the deceit.

I actually find that the more direct I am with people about things I don't want to do, the less likely I am to snap. Being honest with yourself and your closest people eliminates the need to pretend all the time.

I’m not introverted and selfish. Not caring about what people think has helped me find connections that are better for my well being and being realistic about what current friends and family are like. Self preservation isn’t selfish. Nobody says that men are selfish when they say no to friends who are unreasonable.

This and I wouldn’t call it selfish either. It’s called setting boundaries and putting yourself first. As a mother you invariably put yourself last and put everyone else first then you realise your wants and needs are as valid as everyone else’s.

I think if you are a genuinely selfish person you have always had that personality trait and it just becomes more pronounced in old age.

No selfish but fabulous with boundaries.

Last week I was asked to do a favour for someone, but it was what I would normally do as part of my own business. So the answer was no. If they get desperate and get back to me I'll quote a fee.

I am not introverted but I have developed techniques for avoiding speaking to people I can't be bothered with.

Yes I definitely agree 100%!!

No, selfish people were always selfish. My own DM was always selfish, not just as she aged. I feel less selfish as I have aged, perhaps I just want to believe that. It is a character trait not part of the ageing process.

I avoid having people in my life who take advantage of me, betray and take money from me. But thats a hard lesson learned not selfishness.

I'm genuinely worried that I'm running out of friends.

I saw my last standing close friend last weekend and - it was really dull. I'm not sure I realised just how consistently she talks about herself and her DC while batting away any attempt I make to join in. We'll definitely see each other again but it will probably be every six months rather than every three or so. A bit sad but my god. Boring.

I agree with this. As @Pepsi4Eva said, I thank MN for a lot of my “awakening” as well as being an old bat! When I joined over 20 years ago it wasn’t easy to compare experiences and find support. I’ve always had good friends but, sitting on my arse reading MN, has also helped me immensely