To Discuss How Not To Be A Bullying Victim

[ClockedIt]

There was another thread on a similar but not same subject this week that that mentions that this would be a good subject to explore but, to use a well worn phrase ‘would be the subject of a different thread’.

That thread had some really interesting posts about group dynamics.

I had a discussion a while ago about this with someone who had been badly bullied - didn’t fit in in school, college or work. We became friendly and had a lot of deep personal chats. I said to him “who is most likely to become a victim of bullying - is it someone with no friends?”

He said “no - not exactly someone with no friends - it’s someone who is unsure”

Even though he was bullied, he had a good perception of people and people’s motivations.

Someone else I spoke to said that people pick on differences between people but if a person with differences has a strong personality that deters bullies.

Any thoughts?

I have a strong personality.

I’m chatty and yet I’ve been bullied 3 times in my life and fought back each time.
schooL was usually a full class ganging up on me. Think of not being picked for the group.
When in work, tasks were being left for me knowing I didn’t have the taught skills ( I was new to the role) to complete the tasks or put in a situation I was forced to deal with without knowing all the information.

Each time it was systemic bullying, not direct but I was made to feel inadequate, a failure, I would make mistakes and be made to feel ashamed but crucial information had been deliberately left out or I had not been taught the correct procedure

I was the sort of kid who was bullied, but then in my early teens I realised that it was quite easy to tell what reaction a bully wanted and to do the opposite.

Some bullies wanted to provoke a reaction - so don't react to those ones. For example there was an older boy who used to try to wind me up on the walk home and when I realised he just wanted a reaction, I ignored him. 'Grey rock' basically. Once he snatched my hair band and went dancing down the road expecting me to chase him and get upset, so I kept walking and he just looked like an idiot and had to drop the band on the floor and pretend it hadn't happened.

Other bullies want to make you feel embarrassed and awkward, for example by asking personal questions, so you slink off red-faced to avoid them. The trick is to actually answer them back and give them more detail than they want. Once some boys tried to embarrass me by asking me if I was on my period - I told them that I was and invented some graphic details so they were the ones who ran away.

Same with adults - do the opposite of what they want.

Yes I sympathise I’ve had something similar to this in work.

2 of my colleagues forced me to deal with a difficult customer then ‘hid’

when they saw me dealing with the actual customer confidently and effectively they looked really sheepish but then stepped in to refer him to his housing officer

I was the target of two male bullies later in life. Both were too thick to realise that, although they were senior to me, they had nothing in their gift (popularity, preferment,, more seniority) nothing that I wanted.'. They gave up pretty quickly when they,eventually realised that.

Sad, sad people.

in my experience, not of course in yours, my bully wanted something. The mistake they made was in assuming I wanted the same thing was them.

Apologies if I’m misreading your posts, but This feels like a really sad way for your kids to learn how to deal with conflict? Your DD1 is sensitive and gentle (the qualities you probably want in a person) and she is victim blamed, and DD2 responds with aggression to provocation and that’s somehow a good thing? It doesn’t sound like DD2 is actually learning much resilience that will work in the real world where you can’t just deal with confrontation using your fists.

What did your bully want if they were senior you ?

I have no time for this “the bully might have autism/adhd/a bad home life/separated parents” talk. Not one part of that is any of my concern.

My son will be brought up to know that he can hit back and absolutely should. Every single time.

All that “be kind” rubbish breeds victims. I’m not raising a victim.

I know the pacifist mob like to suggest that teaching a child to hit back will mean they’ll be in jail as an adult for violence, but there’s a world of difference between showing some little bastard that you’re capable of looking after yourself and going around assaulting people as an adult.

Yes totally agree sounds like you’ve got the balance right !

@ClockedIt Started to reply, but it was swallowed in the ether,no matter.

I think they wanted to wield their power in front of the rest of the management team,and I was an obvious target, being female.

they were, of course,very stupid, because they didn't have anything in their gift that I wanted.

I didn't want promotion, or need others to like me. I was quite happy with what I had.

I had something they'd never have, and that was enough. Enough money, enough influence. Just, enough.

They seemed to hate me for that.

My kids have are very confident, almost to the point of having a cocky streak. I had a phase of trying to nip this in the bud because I was worried about how it came across.

I then stopped. Because i realised that actually, that fabulous confidence is protective.They ignore those who tease them, they have a sureness in themselves, they suffer set backs well. They like themselves & that's okay.

The asking personal questions bullies are AWFULand it’s them that’s caused me the most destruction in life

My feisty one DD2 was labelled the trouble maker for fighting back, unfortunately the wee bitches ganged up, lied and were believed because 4 voices against one. It didn't stop until a member of staff witnessed their behaviour.
I was a quirky child, but secure in my quirkiness, I was never bullied.
I don't really know the answer to bullying, but I'm still shocked at the behaviour of the bullies, their aim was to get DD2 expelled or in trouble with the police. One of them is now training to be a paediatric nurse, I hope she has changed.

I think adult bullying in workplaces is different from school bullying.

ive actually found - if I’ve been bullied in a workplace just acting confident is enough to deter bullies rather than calling bullies out on actual behaviour. When I act confident and strong with a ‘definite’ voice - I find the bullies respect me 🤷‍♂️

I was never bullied as a child or teen, but I was secure in myself + did martial arts..... and I think what really helped me tbh is my older sister started on me at school and I won the fight infront of everyone.... so that gained me a reputation that kept me safe I think

I have been bullied as an adult. It was horrendous. If it had started like most bullies do then I think I could of handled it better but these women attacked me first and then spent months calling me names, following me, telling lies about me. ( I had no idea thr attack was coming, they'd said my 5 year old had punched one of their children..... we all spoke to school who said Mt dyspraxic had accidently fell into the child during pe and knocked her over) but they just wanted a reason to bully me

If it had been a build up I suspect it would of never of got as far as it did as I'm normally quite a confident person..... but they literally attacked me on my way jome from the school run it was horrific. I was anorexic at the time and I'm 5'1.... I'm not exaggerating when I say these woman were both over 5'9 and weighed 13st and 18 stone each. Thr attack was such a shock it really knocked my confidence

They harassed me for 18 months after the attack, they only left me alone when I made a large group of loud friends. Even then, one of them always makes sly comments if she sees me on my own, never when I'm with my friends

Omg this sounds absolutely awful. ❤️

They sound like terrible cowards.

Human beings are born to recognise weaknesses and strength in others, some cunt like people use this to intimate others, depending on how they're brought up.
My DM waa a softie, easily bullied, she always said, see weaknesses as an opportunity to help, see strength as an opportunity to learn.
I am hyper aware of people who are easily bullied, it got me on trouble a few times defending them, i was tough but sensitive to others.

Absolutely disgusting, horrible excuses for human beings.
I hope they find themselves on the receiving end one day.
I'm so sorry, you can't reason with the unreasonable.

My dad gave me the best advice when I was being bullied. Showed me how and where to hit them to have the best chance of breaking something and told me I had to be more willing to hurt them than they were to hurt me.

It's about confidence. I could have been bullied I suppose, I was a tomboy, ,ugly but I could stick up for myself and had humor so was friendly with the geeks and the popular kids. I did go to a 'nice' school though, maybe in another setting it might have been different. My other half was from a rough area so he has instilled in our kids to always stick up for yourself and fight back because where he lived if you didn't you would be in trouble. Our dd is quiet and wouldn't like confrontation so she does struggle with this. My son is very confident and more than capable of standing up for himself. Bullies do look for people that won't fight back. They are cowards. The same applies to a workplace setting you must hold your own and stick up for yourself, verbally.

That’s great my DP sounds like you

I know it doesn't sound right but in the real world it's true. Being sensitive and kind doesn't help in these situations. My dd had friendship issues not bullying per say but leaving out and some spitefulness. She actually developed an ED. I wish she just told them to piss off but that's not the way she is. My son who is confident and will definitely stick up for himself won't have these difficulties in life. Sadly the world or should I say bullies see kindness as a weakness. My lovely sensitive child lost her whole sense of self. Luckily she has come out the other side of her illness and now is still sweet and kind and surrounds herself with kids who are lovely. She has also learnt that you can not let people take the piss and wouldn't allow her friends to treat her like that again.

I’d like the answer to this too

The answer is sticking up for yourself. ' please don't speak to me like that' 'I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me' make a log of it, keep any evidence, take to HR if it carries on. I've worked with some bolshy characters, some try it on with new staff but if they stick up for themselves they back off.

I’m surprised so much of this thread is about physical violence as the answer to bullying -
in my experience bullying is psychological- especially in the age of phones / social media / 24/7
punching someone who is being physically threatening makes sense - indeed, my dad always said don’t just hit him, pick up something to hit them with, so they stay down ! !
but bullying is more likely to be being socially excluded / ignored / mocked - more subtle / insidious? That is harder to respond to with a punch !!🥊

What a lovely post. I like your style. Can you've an example how you confront them? Can be a made up one - but the approach?