To Discuss How Not To Be A Bullying Victim

[ClockedIt]

There was another thread on a similar but not same subject this week that that mentions that this would be a good subject to explore but, to use a well worn phrase ‘would be the subject of a different thread’.

That thread had some really interesting posts about group dynamics.

I had a discussion a while ago about this with someone who had been badly bullied - didn’t fit in in school, college or work. We became friendly and had a lot of deep personal chats. I said to him “who is most likely to become a victim of bullying - is it someone with no friends?”

He said “no - not exactly someone with no friends - it’s someone who is unsure”

Even though he was bullied, he had a good perception of people and people’s motivations.

Someone else I spoke to said that people pick on differences between people but if a person with differences has a strong personality that deters bullies.

Any thoughts?

I totally agree with this that bullies go for people who come across as needy.

I was an only child of a mother who worked full time who was also sadly abusive. Despite this, at 13 I was independent and confident in school and being an only child in a ‘difficult’ family environment with no support had made me independent, able to handle things alone and, rightly or wrongly found a lot of other children (middle class school) a bit ‘precious’.

On holiday aged 13 I was happily amusing myself reading a book but my mum was manipulating me to ‘make’ ‘friends’ with this girl sitting around the pool. She was dropping hints like “Ann’s on her own, I’ll go and sit by her”.

i wasn’t taking said hints so my mum suddenly got a lot sterner and said.

“look, no wonder you haven’t got any friends, you father and I WANT you to make friends. You’re TOTALLY selfish.

i rolled over and ‘made’ ‘friends’ with this girl - not because I wanted to - but because I was scared of my mums reaction if I didn’t. It was a disaster as neither me or the other girl wanted the friendship

id taken my mum’s criticism of me as selfish to heart and when I went back to school i was a total doormat to other kids as I desperately wanted to avoid the label ‘selfish.’ I’d already been called spoilt by my mother and because I was an only child, took the words ‘spoilt’ and ‘selfish’ to heart.

as a result of me overcompensating as a result of my mum calling me selfish - I became a complete doormat and was relentlessly bullied and humiliated by the rougher kids - it was awful - I HATE my mother for what she did to me.

I wasn’t bullied in school, but I was bullied by family members.
I worked in schools in the past, and I’m not sure the characteristics that are being blamed on this thread are necessarily true. Yes, the loud brasher and more confident kids never got bullied, but I found more than anything it seemed to be down to a combination of the target being a “nice”, polite child and also the bully being jealous of their target. I think the key to potentially stop it is not to let the first thing a bully says/does slide. Call them out on it from the first comment, then they know they are unlikely to be able to mess with you.

Humans are supposedly social creatures, but I don’t think we are really. People can be absolutely vile to each other.

I was loud and brash aged around 12 but was like this in order to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy - I was like the Colin Hunt character from the fast show. Is it surprising I was bullied? 😭

I’m not sure this is all entirely true. I was bullied at school, but only recognise it as bullying now I’m an adult. It wasn’t physical but this girl and her friends would go out of their way to spread rumours and turn people against me.

She was of higher social status but I was incredibly secure in myself, and it just didn’t really bother me. I think it might have been rooted in jealousy for various reasons and she just escalated and escalated. I got on with my life with my friends, and at one point she screamed at me in the street in front of our peer group and I just wanted away, and she was so angry.

I’m a bit quirky and was very clever at school, but I honestly didn’t care what she or her cronies thought of me. So I think there’s a bit of anyone can get bullied, but it doesn’t have the same effect on everyone.

I don’t think there was any real instances of physical bullying at our school, I certainly can’t remember ever seeing it or being aware of it (there were fights but usually between equals) - so this was probably as bad as bullying behaviour got in my school.

So I think about this quite a lot, as looking back bullies tried to bully me, but I was so oblivious they left me alone. They will always pick on someone different/weak/an easy target. But they won't pursue if that person doesn't give them the desired response.

I was an unusual child. I've always been very small, I supposed looking back you have described me as eccentric and I suppose at the time I was a bit square. One example was when one of the 'popular' girls laughed at my socks with her friends. One of them said 'Oh "nice" socks! My gran has some like that". I was oblivious, I just said, "oh yes, they're nice aren't they" and wondered off.

There was another time when someone commented on how flat chested I was, and I just said "yeah i know, it's cus I'm small"

It was literally years later I realised these were bullying attempts (these girls were bullies to others). And had I not been so oblivious, and got upset, then I would have been a target.

This is a hard thing to teach, and if someone is going to get upset then it's very hard to unlearn that. There is this good video about how to beat bullies here in this video. 4,3 mins in is a good place to start of you can't be arsed to watch the whole thing.

See reading this I'd have said neither! DD1 sounds very much like I was at school, and like I commented above, I was so oblivious to the bullying attempts made at me I was never bullied. So I don't think being agressive/having fighting spirit is the only way to not be bullied. If you are genuinely not bothered by the bullies, regardless of how far down the food chain you are, they'll also leave you alone.

Ah thanks so much for this link !

My daughter was bullied in year 6 by a group of girls who had been her “best friends”, all deciding to just start freezing her out in the last few weeks of term.
She has started year 7 with a bit of a steely resolve and had a couple of girls try it with her again in the new term. I’m not sure what happened over the 6 weeks holidays with her resilience and confidence, but she’s essentially told this new crowd that she’s not up for being messed around and to try elsewhere. They are a pack of girls who seem to have been the mean girls in their own primary school. I think they have genuinely been shocked at the push back, they have probably not had this response previously. Low and behold they are now infighting in their own group and trying to see who can have DD as their own new little BFF.

I was always the smallest in my year at school but don’t ever remember being bullied much outside of a bit of teasing. I did hail from a large family of lunatics though who were well known locally so always assumed that protected me.

I totally agree with this. If the bullying is verbal or excluding, the only way is to decide the bully's opinion of you is valueless and to seek other friends and ignore. But if it's physical, the only way is to fight back hard, immediately. Very unfashionable advice but true.

But if it's physical, the only way is to fight back hard, immediately.

I guess this depends on where you live? I grew up in a then rough part of London. Fighting back would often get people very badly hurt. You don't want to get noticed in the first place.

Jeez. Victim blaming much? Alternatively why not teach people to grow the fuck up and not bully people?

I used to have a friend who fought back after being bullied. Guess who got suspended from school?

Agree, this thread reeks of victim blaming. Being bullied is a sign of weakness?

It's confidence. A child from a family home where everyone is loved and valued and they have a range of opportunities etc is less likely to be bullied than someone who comes from a background where their parents don't really care because the first child knows their worth and will have the confidence to stand up to people

Terrible advice on this thread.
Bullies, particularly in the workplace will bully anyone , particularly those who are smart, successful and happy.
Bullies are jealous, triggered by the success of others.
They don't have the skills to succeed by their own endeavours so they bully, manipulate and recruit others to do their work.
It's lazy victim blaming to say those who are bullied are needy and weak, it embeds the idea that they deserve it.
It's absolutely nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with Bullies being weak.

Once that target is on your back they are so adept at manipulation they will even pretend to be concerned, set up scenarios and " prove" there is something wrong with you.
It's terrifying, the only way is to get out.

The DD2 on this thread punching people for laughing at her sounds ... like a bully

Couldn't agree more.

Agree, dd1 sadly has been captured by the 'be kind' shite.

But that's her personality- it’s not her fault horrible people take advantage of the fact she is quiet/ nice, and hardening up kids to make them different, ie not as quiet, not as nice isn’t the answer- if the world had nicer people in it there’d be less bullying!!!

My partner is working class, uneducated parents - brought up on a rough council estate and went to a school with a rough reputation. He’s the least rough person imaginable although he can look after himself if needed and he is able to defend those being picked on. Although he wouldn’t set himself on fire to keep someone else warm - iyswim. He said he was well behaved at a rough working class school with no discipline - where the school might have somewhat given him the ‘mandate’ to misbehave iyswim - and fwiw -I believe him.

i subscribe to ‘be kind’ to the extent that I paid £35 for a helpless, injured bird to get emergency vet treatment - the £35 was for the taxi fare not the treatment btw. I could have easily ignored its suffering and walked away - but I was in a position to help, so I did.

However I also told my cousin to fuck off to her face recently cuz she was trying to manipulate and intimidate me - she didn’t succeeed.

Jesus. Couldn't agree more.

I have more front than Sainsbury's, on and offline, and it didn't stop bullies from having a go - social exclusion is a good one. I both instances, after a long time, I eventually just broke into the group and they seemed to amazed to say no.

Workplace bullying was different. I got right back on it, every time. I detest the victim as weak narrative.

Bullies bully in the same way dogs lick their genitals: because they can.

Shit spelling. I hate MN's autocorrect.

Wanting to please, and being trapped.

When you can leave and try your luck somewhere else, it seems to remove the target from your back- and if it doesn’t, you move. So being trapped in a place is a huge contributor imo.

When you get about your business with no interest in what other people are thinking or feeling, bullies get less traction. When you actually pay attention to them, try and fit in, try and avoid them finding something to pick fault with, you are easier to get at.

There is something protective and I don’t know how we give it to our DC.

ClockedIt

That means you’re a tough person who is also a nice person, and that’s fine, great even, but teaching nice, quiet people that they should change to adapt to the assholes of the world doesn’t keep them as the same person before, it makes them harder and less trusting, more on edge. I couldn’t ever tell another person to fuck off, I’d get out of the situation somehow hopefully but by talking them around, that’s just who I am and why all of my jobs have definitely been gotten on the basis of my personality, I’ve always been a teamwork person etc

The best way to give it to your DC is set a good example. But also give them a SHEDLOAD of emotional support ❤️❤️😊

That’s the thing .. I was nice and quiet and maybe that’s why my cousin thought she and her husband could get one over on me. My Dad always tells people I’m nice and quiet - I think parents often try to wrongly control the narrative

I'm not sure it's about victim blaming. If you're shy and quiet, that's fine. Loud, brash types can also get bullied. What's important is that you know how to stick up for yourself and have the confidence to do that. I think it's about self esteem and confidence.

In my experience, most, not all , shy and quiet children tend to have low self confidence in the area of social interaction which is what you need to tell someone to fuck off to their face. So it looks like shy and quiet is a problem when it's not, it's the lack of confidence.

I’m not someone who was bullied in school. Although, by all accounts I could have been. Unusual features, mixed, VERY unusual name, bit space cadet and quirky. Later diagnosed ND. However, when people tried I was very aloof, could be nonchalant and also at home worked very hard on strategies to be unphased, strengthen my own self confidence (was very into reading and self help). Adopted different characters to get me through certain things.

In work, some times people have tried. Even though I’m by nature quiet, and non confrontational. I ALWAYS confront the person trying to belittle me and always bring other people into it rather than keep silent and alone. For example, a colleague behaved very weirdly (read, inappropriate) with me, I spoke about it straight away with them and another colleague and my manager. Was awkward, but led to them apologising profusely and then ending up on extended leave. I do feel sad they’ve ended up on leave but I won’t be bullied. It also happened when I was younger , I just confronted them directly on what they’d said and they didn’t do it again.

I can’t explain but I have a way of confronting in a non threatening way, and I get on with most people in every workplace I’ve ever been in so often manage to have wider social support.

I work hard on believing I am likeable and can get on well with others despite quirks? Rather than allowing myself to feel ‘different’ or weird. My self esteem is quite strong.