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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The council closed my homelessness case because I told them it’s not safe to talk to my ex partner!!

90 replies

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 10:01

It’s a long story but let me try to summarise it. I was in a relationship with my ex for over 7 years. We have three kids together and I have been a SAHM for around 5 years. Our kids are 5, 3 & 21 months old. After our first turned one, I tried to go back to work but since we wanted more kids, we agreed to not go back to work at the time because the job I worked required taking the Covid vaccine and we weren’t sure at the time if I should take it especially since we wanted more kids. Then we had our second child and then tried going back to work but then found out I was pregnant with our third (wasn’t planned). Fast forward 2025, I was applying for work when we were asked to leave our home because the landlady wanted her house back, that she wanted to sell up. During that time, my ex ended the relationship, saying he hadn’t been happy for three years and that that was a great time for us to go our separate ways. We had around four months notice. During that time (because I have been a SAHM) I applied for housing because I didn’t have any savings to rent. I got advise from the council suggesting I could stay in the property with the children, also suggested temporarily living with friends or family & even suggested with my ex just so myself and the children don’t end up homeless or in temporary accommodation. We ended up moving in with my ex, I just didn’t have the energy and felt stuck at the time. I also have postnatal depression. I tried looking for private rentals but were never successful. My homelessness officer knew all this and carried on asking if my ex can continue to put us up until we get a place to go. The thing is my ex is abusive (not physical) but verbally, emotionally, psychologically, gaslighting me sometimes etc. I couldn’t carry on living with him so I asked my homelessness officer if she could get myself and the kids into temporary accommodation. She suggested one of the kids maybe living with his dad. I said no to that, she said she would speak to her superior. When she got back to me, she asked me for my ex’s details so she could speak to him, apparently to establish that myself and the kids are at risk of homelessness (but we are already homeless…atleast I thought). I told her I couldn’t provide her with his details because it wasn’t safe to do so. She then emailed me back and said she has closed my case because she couldn’t establish my homelessness with my ex. I didn’t want them talking to him because he would say we could stay for as long as we have to. And yes he’s abusive but I didn’t want to get into filling for “domestic abuse”. I just want a new start with my kids, my focus is the kids. But the homelessness officer tells me she has to talk to him or he can write a notice stating that he wants myself and the kids to leave his property. But of course he won’t say that about his kids. Does that mean if he wants his kids to stay as long as they need to, we are then required to stay in a toxic environment? She suggested I write a personal statement with abuse details (because I mentioned to her that he can be verbally abusive) then they can put myself and the kids in temporary accommodation. AIBU here? Please advise because am feeling like giving him the children. I am so exhausted, lost weight, I feel I can’t handle any more stress. I don’t have a case if I don’t do as she has asked.

OP posts:
Beetiq · 08/10/2025 10:04

I should also mention that I have been trying to minimise the disruption for the kids as much as possible especially the school going kids. But I am losing or have lost this fight. My homelessness officer closing my case has hit me hard.

OP posts:
Agix · 08/10/2025 10:08

Why can't you write a statement detailing the abuse like your officer mentioned for the temp accommodation?

There arnt placements enough for everyone. If the council think you are okay and able to stay where you are, they're not going to house you.

Jellybunny56 · 08/10/2025 11:47

Unfortunately you have to put pen to paper one way or another. Right now you are not homeless or a priority, you’re housed and with someone who is not actively throwing you out.

If you want to claim that you cannot stay where you are, despite him being happy to have you, then you will need to make a formal statement regarding abuse to make your case.

vivainsomnia · 08/10/2025 12:27

So you want to leave and get a council home. That's different to being homeless.

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2025 12:35

Looking from outside surely you can see is looks slightly suspicious.

Devils advocate. You were given notice when your relationship breaks up but you move in with your ex anyway. Now you say they cant contact him and he is abusive but wont declare that. The housing may think your trying to get more points to get a house then your ex will move in.

PrincessofWells · 08/10/2025 12:39

Go to your local law centre or Shelter - they are very good at homelessness appeals. But ASAP as you don't have long to lodge an appeal.

Trickabrick · 08/10/2025 12:39

I think with such a shortage of social housing, housing officers can’t just take your word for it that you’ve got a genuine need. You need to jump through the right hoops to show them you’re eligible.

DiscoBob · 08/10/2025 12:44

Write the statement about him being abusive. If you don't then they won't help you.

If everyone who had to live with their ex due to financial constraints claimed homelessness to the council they would be absolutely bombarded. So you need to follow the procedure. If he's abusive then say so. If you won't say so they won't believe you.

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 12:44

@Hankunamatatathey suggested to move with ex temporarily and when I asked to go into temporary accommodation because I couldn’t stay with him any longer, that’s when she suggested she wanted to talk to him. After the move, I became homeless even if I am temporarily living with the ex. And also talking to him means he says he’s happy to have the kids stay as long as they want. Where does that leave things? So much mess.

OP posts:
bestcatlife · 08/10/2025 15:07

Haven't read the whole post but if they are saying all they need is a written statement from yourself then you should write the statement... many councils want loads of 'proof' such as police statements and other evidence. (I have personal experience of this, the council were not interested because I didn't have any 'evidence')
Good luck 🤞

SamphiretheTervosaur · 08/10/2025 15:07

Your actions have not given them the evidence they need to make you a priority. From their perspective chose to move in with your ex and are now not saying he is abusive. You have also told them they cannot contact him, so they can't confirm he wants you to move out.

This leaves them with no reason to formally class you as homeless. You know different, they dont.

Fill out the paperwork.

bestcatlife · 08/10/2025 15:09

It could be dangerous to the OP for the council to contact her abusive partner - she should get advice from Shelter.

Arlanymor · 08/10/2025 15:11

It sounds really rough, but they need evidence to progress things for you, so if you won't supply his information then you need to write the statement. If you need help doing this then contact either Women's Aid or Shelter for advice.

Zempy · 08/10/2025 15:11

But you just have to write the statement the housing officer requested…

Catsknowbest · 08/10/2025 15:12

Zempy · 08/10/2025 15:11

But you just have to write the statement the housing officer requested…

No I believe its the ex they want the statement from

Darragon · 08/10/2025 15:14

Why is no one suggesting Womens Aid? OP get on to Women’s Aid, tell them about the abuse, see if they can get you into somewhere safe with the kids. I hope things get better for you.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 08/10/2025 15:15

They only ask that because she hasn't confirmed the abuse. She's between a rock and a hard place that her (understandable) reticence to explain her real situation has helped construct

We see lots of women who have needed to work through this dilemma. Not wanting to poke the bear, not wanting to make the extent/reality of their abusive situation known for fear if all sorts of ramifications. Its a hard decision to make. Our advice is always to recruit as much support as possible. But every woman has to make that decision for herself

UsernamePain · 08/10/2025 15:20

It is standard practise for our council to ask for proof from the person the applicant is staying with to confirm they have been asked to leave the property, and to give a date that this is effective from.
if DA is given as a reason why the person is becoming homeless they will also ask for proof of this- generally a supporting letter from any agencies the applicant has approached, or the police. Without evidence they do not have to accept a duty

dontmalbeconme · 08/10/2025 15:36

OP is refusing to provide evidence to confirm that she is homeless or that she is suffering from domestic abuse, so obviously a homelessness case will be shut.

Zempy · 08/10/2025 15:37

Catsknowbest · 08/10/2025 15:12

No I believe its the ex they want the statement from

It is confusing, but OP specifies that the housing officer told her she needs to write a statement detailing the abuse so that she can be put in emergency accommodation.

namechangedohmy · 08/10/2025 15:41

This comes over as you being at it. Your story just isn’t convincing and looks like a contrived way to get a house.

namechangedohmy · 08/10/2025 15:42

Go to women’s aid as the next step if you’re in a domestic violence crisis

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/10/2025 15:43

Have you contacted IDAS? They will do a risk assessment and hold a MARAC on your behalf to discuss whether you're at risk of abuse and whether you should be prioritised for council housing.

LakieLady · 08/10/2025 15:48

namechangedohmy · 08/10/2025 15:41

This comes over as you being at it. Your story just isn’t convincing and looks like a contrived way to get a house.

And councils are wise to this because loads of people try it on, and a fair few get away with it. I've worked in homelessness prevention/resettlement in 3 different LA areas, and all 3 would have asked for a statement as the bare minimum.

Even with that, I know of several cases where a couple have "reconciled" soon after one of them has got social housing.

Catsknowbest · 08/10/2025 17:00

Zempy · 08/10/2025 15:37

It is confusing, but OP specifies that the housing officer told her she needs to write a statement detailing the abuse so that she can be put in emergency accommodation.

Ah understood