The council closed my homelessness case because I told them it’s not safe to talk to my ex partner!!

[Beetiq]

It’s a long story but let me try to summarise it. I was in a relationship with my ex for over 7 years. We have three kids together and I have been a SAHM for around 5 years. Our kids are 5, 3 & 21 months old. After our first turned one, I tried to go back to work but since we wanted more kids, we agreed to not go back to work at the time because the job I worked required taking the Covid vaccine and we weren’t sure at the time if I should take it especially since we wanted more kids. Then we had our second child and then tried going back to work but then found out I was pregnant with our third (wasn’t planned). Fast forward 2025, I was applying for work when we were asked to leave our home because the landlady wanted her house back, that she wanted to sell up. During that time, my ex ended the relationship, saying he hadn’t been happy for three years and that that was a great time for us to go our separate ways. We had around four months notice. During that time (because I have been a SAHM) I applied for housing because I didn’t have any savings to rent. I got advise from the council suggesting I could stay in the property with the children, also suggested temporarily living with friends or family & even suggested with my ex just so myself and the children don’t end up homeless or in temporary accommodation. We ended up moving in with my ex, I just didn’t have the energy and felt stuck at the time. I also have postnatal depression. I tried looking for private rentals but were never successful. My homelessness officer knew all this and carried on asking if my ex can continue to put us up until we get a place to go. The thing is my ex is abusive (not physical) but verbally, emotionally, psychologically, gaslighting me sometimes etc. I couldn’t carry on living with him so I asked my homelessness officer if she could get myself and the kids into temporary accommodation. She suggested one of the kids maybe living with his dad. I said no to that, she said she would speak to her superior. When she got back to me, she asked me for my ex’s details so she could speak to him, apparently to establish that myself and the kids are at risk of homelessness (but we are already homeless…atleast I thought). I told her I couldn’t provide her with his details because it wasn’t safe to do so. She then emailed me back and said she has closed my case because she couldn’t establish my homelessness with my ex. I didn’t want them talking to him because he would say we could stay for as long as we have to. And yes he’s abusive but I didn’t want to get into filling for “domestic abuse”. I just want a new start with my kids, my focus is the kids. But the homelessness officer tells me she has to talk to him or he can write a notice stating that he wants myself and the kids to leave his property. But of course he won’t say that about his kids. Does that mean if he wants his kids to stay as long as they need to, we are then required to stay in a toxic environment? She suggested I write a personal statement with abuse details (because I mentioned to her that he can be verbally abusive) then they can put myself and the kids in temporary accommodation. AIBU here? Please advise because am feeling like giving him the children. I am so exhausted, lost weight, I feel I can’t handle any more stress. I don’t have a case if I don’t do as she has asked.

@JenniferBooth apparently she wants to confirm with him that myself and the kids at risk of homelessness.

Do you have an IDVA ?

@Mondaytuesdayhappydaysi have contacted women’s aid. I don’t have IDVA at the moment.

If you ask them to help you get into a refuge -will need to evidence why you are not safe in ex’s home- once there you will most likely be given a band A for social housing.
Are the kids open to social care due to the DV? Xx I ask as that could give you and them oversight and protection in the short term before you can be moved to safety

@Mondaytuesdayhappydays my ex is verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive, manipulative, gaslights me, but not violent.

You didn't become homeless in the Council's terms. You always had somewhere to live. You left before the bailiffs so would likely have been classed as intentionally homeless and so they would likely have declined their duty so they encouraged your to stay with friends or family instead.

You are now with your ex and she wants to speak with him to say he can't have you there to support your homeless claim.

He won't so you need to write the statement.

For anyone else who is reading always take independent advice. Most councils have very little accommodation for far too many people in need so will always try and support you not to become officially homeless.

That is Violence and it is not safe for you and your children
Speak to women’s aid they will advise you on how to leave safely
that’s the priority
They can refer you to the IDVA service Who can then support you with applying for social housing or getting into a private rental x

True - there is no stock or very little

@andweallsingalong the homelessness team agreed that I couldn’t stay at that address so I am not classed as intentionally homeless. And then they advised me to move in with my ex or friends or family (regret my choice) but was based on the children still being able to attend school. I should have moved in with my family & sorted out schools after. Anyway, we live and learn. I am going to write the statement. Thank you for your advise.

This is illegal if you've expressed you're at risk of abuse. The domestic abuse act 2021 makes it quite clear that any applicant fleeing or being unable to remain in the home due to abuse or violence must be treated as homeless. This isn't limited to physical violence.

This is why I am advising to speak to IDAS or NDAS/H as their written report from the marac suffices instead of a written statement from your ex and satisfies their requirements for consideration.

While women's aid can sign post and tell you your rights they don't sit in advocacy or risk assessment meetings.

You need to see this as a box ticking exercises. If you want X, you have to do Y first. If you want to be placed into council accomodation or temporary housing, then you need to follow this bureaucratic pathway to satisfy the requirements. Leave no i's undotted and no t's uncrossed.

THIS

Seriously, do you know what MARAC is? OP hasn't mentioned a single police call out nevermind one at MARAC level.

As everyone has said (including the OP) she needs to write her statement with support from women's aid or similar to be classed as at risk of DV before DV protocols kick in.

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-response-in-the-uk/what-is-a-marac/

By high risk DV they mean things like intentional strangulation, credible threats to kill leading to a high DASH score to be accepted by MARAC.

OP just needs to write the statement with women's aid, as she is doing, to qualify for council help as a victim of DV.

Lots of really helpful advice from posters who are knowledgeable about the process. Hope you get the help you need.

Do you have it in writing / formal correspondence from your housing officer that they asked you to go stay with your ex / to leave the private property before bailiffs arrived?

As fair as I was aware, councils will always ask you to remain at a property until bailiffs ask you to leave as otherwise you are intentionally homeless but perhaps this has changed?

That's exactly how it comes across. OP I'm not judging or trying to sound harsh but if your ex was abusive to where you'd rather temporary accommodation with your kids you should have been documenting everything! My friend kept every abusive message and saved call from her ex and wrote down and detailed every incident and reported her ex for domestic verbal abuse. She was given temp housing I wouldn't cattle a stray dying dog in, and took her over 5 years on the wait list to finally get a council house of her DC.

Councils are on their knees and you can't expect them to just take your word for it. You need to find every message, every call, detail every abusive thing he has said or done in great detail and you need to report it and get away from him. Especially if you want a better life for your kids. You shouldn't have to live with an abuser nor should you have to be separated from any of them.

To play devils advocate, even if the op proves SHE has been abused, why wont they say tbe kids can stay with their dad, so she'll lose custody of her kids and as a single woman with no kids tohouse be way down the priorities

I'm sorry if I'm wrong but if your ex was that bad you chose to go live with him again and take the kids when you weren't with him and it looks slightly convenient now that he is abusive to get a house. I left a very abusive person a few years ago and nothing would make me take my kids back to him. I chose the hotel the council provided and 3 months later got a house which I spent a very happy 8 years in

The only way I can see out of this is to get a job .How can you be a SAHM ?…what are you living on ?

Sometimes they can make nattersworse though. Person tried fleeing an abusive ( physical relationship. Yet the council phone the abuse then tell the client they have no need for housing as their " partner" says it's ok for them to live there.
Well if course he would say that wouldn't be?

Sorry, why is getting your own private rental not an option? I don’t understand why you’re waiting for agencies and your ex to put you up. Are you working now OP ?

I do not suppose she has a lot of bills?

If not working and only income is child benefit/UC, the OP is unlikely to meet the earnings requirements criteria set by many private letting agencies/landlords to rent without a guarantor - which can be anything upward of 30x the monthly rental charges; plus housing element on UC for private rentals is based on LHA which is well known to be far lower than the actual cost of renting privately.

If living in council/HA accommodation, the OP would be entitled to their full rent being paid less any under occupancy charges (she would be entitled to 3 bedrooms and, in all likelihood, if offered council/HA accommodation would probably get 2 bed place to start with so no under occupancy deduction. In temp accommodation, it’s likely to be a family room if placed in a hotel/b&b, a 2 bed park home if her council uses holiday park sites (our council do but they close end of October/early November so then they get shifted into Travelodge type places) or a 1-2 bed flat and told to sleep in living room herself while the 3 children share the bedroom. Rent on temp accommodation would be covered in full by housing benefit with possibly a very small contribution from OP towards it based on benefits being their only income.

If your children are safely housed with your ex (no mention of abuse towards them), then it is just you who needs to leave and he will have custody until you get on your feet (get a job and rent a flat), at which point you can have joint custody. It doesn't sound like the children are at risk of homelessness, just you.

I am not meaning to be blunt, these are just the facts of the case.

Unfortunately with the lack of housing the use of Domestic Abuse claims has risen fast. It’s common amongst immigrants who use it as a tactic to delay removal and get housing. The authorities can’t cope. You’ll be seen as just another woman who wants to leave her partner and wants to be given a place to live. You’ll need to keep at it. I het who it’s so horribly stressful but think of it as a massive inbox that you’re not at the top of because you’re housed and safe.

From what I can see, the council need you to either give them your exes details, so they can ask him if it's correct you and your children are required to leave his property or you need to write a statement stating your ex is verbally abusive and you can no longer safely stay with him. It appears when the council asked if you could move temporarily in with your ex regardless of the relationship breakdown, at that point you didn't say he is being abusive - you moved in with him. From the councils perspective - you don't want to give them you exes details and don't want to fill out any paperwork saying he's abusive - you are refusing to cooperate with them, and they aren't prepared to house you without evidence you genuinely need it. If you think your ex will say there's no need for you and the children to move out, then your only option is to write the statement saying he's abusive. You don't have any other choices here. The council aren't going to provide you with housing, just on your say so. There's massive waiting lists for housing, a lack of available housing association properties and a severe shortage of private rentals.