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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The council closed my homelessness case because I told them it’s not safe to talk to my ex partner!!

90 replies

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 10:01

It’s a long story but let me try to summarise it. I was in a relationship with my ex for over 7 years. We have three kids together and I have been a SAHM for around 5 years. Our kids are 5, 3 & 21 months old. After our first turned one, I tried to go back to work but since we wanted more kids, we agreed to not go back to work at the time because the job I worked required taking the Covid vaccine and we weren’t sure at the time if I should take it especially since we wanted more kids. Then we had our second child and then tried going back to work but then found out I was pregnant with our third (wasn’t planned). Fast forward 2025, I was applying for work when we were asked to leave our home because the landlady wanted her house back, that she wanted to sell up. During that time, my ex ended the relationship, saying he hadn’t been happy for three years and that that was a great time for us to go our separate ways. We had around four months notice. During that time (because I have been a SAHM) I applied for housing because I didn’t have any savings to rent. I got advise from the council suggesting I could stay in the property with the children, also suggested temporarily living with friends or family & even suggested with my ex just so myself and the children don’t end up homeless or in temporary accommodation. We ended up moving in with my ex, I just didn’t have the energy and felt stuck at the time. I also have postnatal depression. I tried looking for private rentals but were never successful. My homelessness officer knew all this and carried on asking if my ex can continue to put us up until we get a place to go. The thing is my ex is abusive (not physical) but verbally, emotionally, psychologically, gaslighting me sometimes etc. I couldn’t carry on living with him so I asked my homelessness officer if she could get myself and the kids into temporary accommodation. She suggested one of the kids maybe living with his dad. I said no to that, she said she would speak to her superior. When she got back to me, she asked me for my ex’s details so she could speak to him, apparently to establish that myself and the kids are at risk of homelessness (but we are already homeless…atleast I thought). I told her I couldn’t provide her with his details because it wasn’t safe to do so. She then emailed me back and said she has closed my case because she couldn’t establish my homelessness with my ex. I didn’t want them talking to him because he would say we could stay for as long as we have to. And yes he’s abusive but I didn’t want to get into filling for “domestic abuse”. I just want a new start with my kids, my focus is the kids. But the homelessness officer tells me she has to talk to him or he can write a notice stating that he wants myself and the kids to leave his property. But of course he won’t say that about his kids. Does that mean if he wants his kids to stay as long as they need to, we are then required to stay in a toxic environment? She suggested I write a personal statement with abuse details (because I mentioned to her that he can be verbally abusive) then they can put myself and the kids in temporary accommodation. AIBU here? Please advise because am feeling like giving him the children. I am so exhausted, lost weight, I feel I can’t handle any more stress. I don’t have a case if I don’t do as she has asked.

OP posts:
ChuckleClass · 09/10/2025 09:26

Sorry OP but your case does sound suspicious even if it isn't. (And I don't know the truth so I'm not judging).

However looking at your OP and I think what the council will be considering is this:

You and your ex were fine, even planning more children, until the landlord gave you all notice. Then when your lives got an upheaval, you said your ex left because he wasn't happy all those years you both were having and planning more kids.

Then you tried to find a home but couldn't.

Then you went to the council and suddenly claimed your ex was abusive all along and you can't live with him. Yet there's no indication that you would have left him had your landlord not evicted you. Then they encouraged you to find somewhere to stay temporarily including your ex's or friends and family.

Somehow your 'abusive' ex was the better option to move in with temporarily. Not friends or family or insisting on a safe place if you were at risk of abuse from him. You chose him instead when you could have shown that he wasn't safe enough.

Yet when they wanted to call him, you claim it isn't safe to do so. You can see how inconsistent it looks.

You seem to be insistent on needing a home for you and your children (understandably) when your situation doesn't seem to meet the criteria. It seems that you're making it to look like it does.

The council wants to prove that your situation is what you claim it to be but you're not fully co-operating. Of course it looks like your trying it on. That's why they've closed your case because they don't believe your ex is abusive and you're at risk of homelessness. They probably think you just want a council house for you and your kids. It's fine to want that but unfortunately the criteria hasn't been met.

I'm just saying how it looks from the outside.

Coffeetime25 · 09/10/2025 09:32

yur best bet is to speak to shelter but unfortunately the homeless situation is in crises at the moment and they do close cases for all sorts of reasons they way they see it you are living with ex and you do not want him contacted so things cant be that bad this is one of the many issues with the homeless sector that is being looked at but unfortunately will take time have you evidence of the abuse family friends etc that can back you up

Coffeetime25 · 09/10/2025 09:37

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 12:44

@Hankunamatatathey suggested to move with ex temporarily and when I asked to go into temporary accommodation because I couldn’t stay with him any longer, that’s when she suggested she wanted to talk to him. After the move, I became homeless even if I am temporarily living with the ex. And also talking to him means he says he’s happy to have the kids stay as long as they want. Where does that leave things? So much mess.

why not give kids the security of a home with your ex and get a home for you and then get custody transferred back to you

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/10/2025 09:38

andweallsingalong · 09/10/2025 00:37

Seriously, do you know what MARAC is? OP hasn't mentioned a single police call out nevermind one at MARAC level.

As everyone has said (including the OP) she needs to write her statement with support from women's aid or similar to be classed as at risk of DV before DV protocols kick in.

I do know what a marac is as I have benefitted from them, and no I've never needed to call the police out!

UsernamePain · 09/10/2025 09:40

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 22:13

@UsernamePaini haven’t refused to provide the evidence. I have done all that. I provided the section 21 and after moving from that previous address, I became homeless & the housing officer knows this. The team advised me to temporarily move in with friends or family and even suggested the ex. She has had an issue after I talk to her about help to move to temporary accommodation because it’s toxic for myself abs the kids to continue living with my ex. I mentioned him being verbally abusive which I don’t want the kids to be around. That’s when she asked she wants to talk to him.

I didn’t say you had refused to provide information, I only gave information about the process within my local authority.

Coffeetime25 · 09/10/2025 09:45

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 21:41

@WiddlinDiddlini was advised by the homelessness team to stay in the property until I got evicted but would have to continue paying the rent and bills. But I was able to afford it so they agreed that I moved out as staying wasn’t an option after all. But they advised me to stay with friends or family and even said my ex. With all the confusion and stress, and kids being at school, I went with the ex which my housing officer was aware and kept telling me to talk to my ex if myself and the kids could stay longer as I bid on homes. Unfortunately, she never put me down as homeless after we left previous address but kept me on prevention duty. When I talked to her about temporary accommodation as the environment was toxic for me and the kids (told her about his verbal abuse). She then emailed me saying she needed to talk to him to confirm with him that myself and the kids are threatened with homelessness (but we were already homeless). I told her it wasn't safe to get in touch with him, she then closed the case. I have been in touch with women’s aid and shelter and have been advised to appeal her decision and also women’s aid are going to help me. Such a mess. Am so exhausted from it all.

from council point of view you are not cooperating and also they hear many a person use the abusive ex line to get housing hence why they are asking for evidence be guided by shelter as they are the experts if there is abuse present then get family and friends to write honest statements to say what they have seen and heard to back up your story this will make your appeal stronger

Beetiq · 09/10/2025 10:25

@Coffeetime25 he has been divorced and I was told by him that his ex claimed he was abusive. This should be in the court papers but I don’t know how that evidence can be got. His 18 year old son also told him that what he said to me was “abuse”, but of course I can’t use that. But let me see how women’s aid can help, then take it from there. Unfortunately, because I have been out of work, I have failed to get private renting hence turning to the council for help.

OP posts:
Beetiq · 09/10/2025 10:31

@Coffeetime25my ex has made the kids my responsibility, I have done everything for them. He complains when he does anything for them. For example, he will complain when he gives them a bath (once in a year), tells me it’s my job. I would give the children the safety of a home but for their overall well-being, he’s not the best person to look after them. Over the years I have seen him say horrible things about his older son’s mum. He’s the type that will poison the kids mind against me and I don’t think our kids need that toxicity day in day out.

OP posts:
Beetiq · 09/10/2025 10:45

@ChuckleClassi get your point. Just to clarify, we weren’t planning more kids. We already had kids and I personally had my tubes removed after our last born last year. Things hadn’t been good for a little while and yes I had thought about leaving but with a baby/now toddler, where kids are involved, it’s not that easy a decision to make. I had/ have postnatal depression since I had my last born (according to my doctor), so not really felt great in myself for a while. Anyway, my regret right now was moving with him (as I thought I needed to keep the children in school), stupid decision (I know). All will be well……with time.

OP posts:
CameForAVacationStayedForTheRevolution · 09/10/2025 10:53

So write the personal statement she suggested.

Beetiq · 09/10/2025 14:33

@CameForAVacationStayedForTheRevolutioni am doing that and working with women’s aid.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/10/2025 16:31

Did ex beg you to move in with him? Or did you ask him?
You might want to clarify in your statement why you moved in with him eg felt coerced

WallaceinAnderland · 09/10/2025 17:24

And then they advised me to move in with my ex or friends or family (regret my choice) but was based on the children still being able to attend school. I should have moved in with my family & sorted out schools after.

Can you do that now? If you move in with family, they would be able to provide the statement to say that you can't stay with them on a permanent basis. There would be no need for any statement from your ex if you didn't live with him and family would be more cooperative.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/10/2025 20:25

Yep, the obvious solution is for you and the kids to go and camp at either a family members home or a friends, and get them to write a letter stating this is very short term and you need to be out by x date.

AbstractReflections · 09/10/2025 20:35

vivainsomnia · 08/10/2025 12:27

So you want to leave and get a council home. That's different to being homeless.

Not if you're experiencing domestic abuse it isn't.

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