The council closed my homelessness case because I told them it’s not safe to talk to my ex partner!!

[Beetiq]

It’s a long story but let me try to summarise it. I was in a relationship with my ex for over 7 years. We have three kids together and I have been a SAHM for around 5 years. Our kids are 5, 3 & 21 months old. After our first turned one, I tried to go back to work but since we wanted more kids, we agreed to not go back to work at the time because the job I worked required taking the Covid vaccine and we weren’t sure at the time if I should take it especially since we wanted more kids. Then we had our second child and then tried going back to work but then found out I was pregnant with our third (wasn’t planned). Fast forward 2025, I was applying for work when we were asked to leave our home because the landlady wanted her house back, that she wanted to sell up. During that time, my ex ended the relationship, saying he hadn’t been happy for three years and that that was a great time for us to go our separate ways. We had around four months notice. During that time (because I have been a SAHM) I applied for housing because I didn’t have any savings to rent. I got advise from the council suggesting I could stay in the property with the children, also suggested temporarily living with friends or family & even suggested with my ex just so myself and the children don’t end up homeless or in temporary accommodation. We ended up moving in with my ex, I just didn’t have the energy and felt stuck at the time. I also have postnatal depression. I tried looking for private rentals but were never successful. My homelessness officer knew all this and carried on asking if my ex can continue to put us up until we get a place to go. The thing is my ex is abusive (not physical) but verbally, emotionally, psychologically, gaslighting me sometimes etc. I couldn’t carry on living with him so I asked my homelessness officer if she could get myself and the kids into temporary accommodation. She suggested one of the kids maybe living with his dad. I said no to that, she said she would speak to her superior. When she got back to me, she asked me for my ex’s details so she could speak to him, apparently to establish that myself and the kids are at risk of homelessness (but we are already homeless…atleast I thought). I told her I couldn’t provide her with his details because it wasn’t safe to do so. She then emailed me back and said she has closed my case because she couldn’t establish my homelessness with my ex. I didn’t want them talking to him because he would say we could stay for as long as we have to. And yes he’s abusive but I didn’t want to get into filling for “domestic abuse”. I just want a new start with my kids, my focus is the kids. But the homelessness officer tells me she has to talk to him or he can write a notice stating that he wants myself and the kids to leave his property. But of course he won’t say that about his kids. Does that mean if he wants his kids to stay as long as they need to, we are then required to stay in a toxic environment? She suggested I write a personal statement with abuse details (because I mentioned to her that he can be verbally abusive) then they can put myself and the kids in temporary accommodation. AIBU here? Please advise because am feeling like giving him the children. I am so exhausted, lost weight, I feel I can’t handle any more stress. I don’t have a case if I don’t do as she has asked.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

You should have got independent advice from CAB.

Likely, they would have explained that had you stayed in the property you were being evicted from, through the full eviction process, and then become 'unintentionally homeless' the council would have had a duty to house you, and you would have gone to temporary housing and then been priority on the housing list.

They can only do this if you are evicted and that does mean physically staying until you are actually evicted by bailiffs. Its shitty, but that is the way it is.

By voluntarily leaving that property and moving in with your ex, you're not homeless and if you were to leave that address voluntarily, you'd be 'intentionally homeless', so no duty from the local authority to house you.

You are housed currently and are not, in terms the council works to, homeless. That is why they've closed your case.

Unless you can supply evidence to the contrary - ie, an eviction notice from your ex, a statement of the abuse and evidence wherever possible to back that up for you AND all the kids (or they will say his kids can stay with him!)... that is going to remain the case.

I suspect you've been badly advised by your local authority so that they don't have to house you, or they suspect there is no abuse you just want to fast track getting a council property.

@WiddlinDiddlini was advised by the homelessness team to stay in the property until I got evicted but would have to continue paying the rent and bills. But I was able to afford it so they agreed that I moved out as staying wasn’t an option after all. But they advised me to stay with friends or family and even said my ex. With all the confusion and stress, and kids being at school, I went with the ex which my housing officer was aware and kept telling me to talk to my ex if myself and the kids could stay longer as I bid on homes. Unfortunately, she never put me down as homeless after we left previous address but kept me on prevention duty. When I talked to her about temporary accommodation as the environment was toxic for me and the kids (told her about his verbal abuse). She then emailed me saying she needed to talk to him to confirm with him that myself and the kids are threatened with homelessness (but we were already homeless). I told her it wasn't safe to get in touch with him, she then closed the case. I have been in touch with women’s aid and shelter and have been advised to appeal her decision and also women’s aid are going to help me. Such a mess. Am so exhausted from it all.

@LakieLadyit may look like that but I have been in touch with her every step of the way, given her all the documentation she asked for. She asked me to talk to my ex to allow us to stay longer as I bid on homes. She still kept me on homelessness prevention duty instead of relief duty because I became homeless when we moved out of the previous property. She wanted my ex to write that he was giving me notice to leave but I told her there’s no way he’s going to include the kids. Then when I got in touch with her asking for help to move to temporary accommodation because it was toxic and getting too much for me to put up with the abuse (I told her about his verbal abuse), she then asked to speak to him which I said wasn’t safe. That’s when she closed the case. I have contacted shelter and got advise and also am in touch with women’s aid who are helping me.

To be honest, I shouldn’t have listened to them advising me to stay with the ex. It has just created more mess and instability for the children. I feel awful and almost feel like giving up and letting him have the kids. I just don’t know how I can leave my kids I have full time looked after for the past five years and the last one still breastfeeds. I wish so many things but it’s too late, am in this situation now and have to continue fighting.

Go and report the abuse to local dv org or police or your GP .

@Jimmyneutronsforeheadi am now in touch with women’s aid and shelter. I had told the housing officer about verbal abuse but she said she still needs to talk to him about the risks of myself and the kids becoming homeless. We are already homeless, that is the case since we moved from previous address. I am not meant to be at this address, we aren’t on the tenancy, it’s just my ex.

Can you not move in with family for now? Then get a statement from them saying you can’t stay long term.

@UsernamePaini haven’t refused to provide the evidence. I have done all that. I provided the section 21 and after moving from that previous address, I became homeless & the housing officer knows this. The team advised me to temporarily move in with friends or family and even suggested the ex. She has had an issue after I talk to her about help to move to temporary accommodation because it’s toxic for myself abs the kids to continue living with my ex. I mentioned him being verbally abusive which I don’t want the kids to be around. That’s when she asked she wants to talk to him.

@BuffetTheDietSlayeri now wish I had done that instead. I can still move in with them but I had wanted the housing officer to help place us in the area we are in so the kids could continue with their education. I honestly thought she would help (especially after I had told her about him being verbally abusive). I just wanted to be away from him and try to start afresh but she insisted she would need to talk to him, told her it wasn’t safe, she closed the case. I can appeal which am going to do and shelter have advised me and am also in touch with women’s aid. Living with him after the separation has escalated the tension.

I am so very sorry to hear that you are in this situation OP. Unfortunately with housing being in such short supply, it's understandable that they can't just rehome someone who doesn't like where they are living. If you aren't homeless if you are living in a house with your partner, so you won't qualify for priority housing. If you are actually in danger where you are then they need to establish this, before letting you bump the housing queue of people who might be in shelters or on the streets. I would definately talk to women's aid, as they will come at it more from needing to get a woman and her children away from abuse, not needing to house a homeless person if that makes sense. Good luck

You are not homeless. You could ring up a refuge and move into one of their safe spaces.

@stichgurui do understand your point and honestly I do wish I didn’t have to go through this except am stuck. I tried private renting and wasn’t successful. It’s not that I just don’t like where am living, but on the other hand, because of the toxic environment myself and the kids are in, I don’t like living like this. I became homeless when we moved from previous address. Ex was able to rent a property for himself but I was unable to as I had been a SAHM with no savings. The housing team are the ones who advised me to temporarily live with my ex or friends or family. Children always complicate things, I chose to move with the ex (I regret it now) because I was desperate to keep the kids in their schools and the housing had convinced me that they would work with me to get me houses as soon as possible. So I have been biding on homes. Issue is when I requested to be moved to temporary accommodation, ex was more verbally abusive (told my housing officer), she then suggested she wanted to talk to him. Anyway, I am in touch with women’s aid and shelter.

@GAJLYi am actually homeless. Homelessness doesn’t just mean being out on the streets. I became homeless when we moved from the previous address. Right now, I don’t have the right to be here (ex can throw me out any time. He’s only letting me stay here because of the kids.

@bestcatlifei am going to write a statement with help from women’s aid (was advised to do that), shelter have advised me to appeal as they say closing the case was the wrong decision. They also noted that the housing officer didn’t not change the duty from prevention to relief duty when we moved because I became homeless when we moved. The homelessness officer in the email she sent said I am at risk of homelessness when I am already classed as homeless. So I am going to appeal but am also in touch with women’s aid who are helping me. It feels like when I say he’s abusive but not violent, it comes across as if it’s not as serious. I told officer about my ex being verbally abusive but she still wanted to talk to him to confirm that myself and the kids are at risk of homelessness.

You’re not understanding what people are telling you.

According to the criteria that UK councils use to establish if someone is homeless and there is a duty to house them you are NOT homeless. You stopped being homeless when you moved in with your ex and could not prove that he was unwilling to house you indefinitely.

Proving that he is abusive, is kicking you out etc is her trying to establish that you are homeless but you have refused to provide any proof. Therefore your claim has ended as - despite your feelings on the matter - legally you are housed.

Now, if your ex will tell them that he won’t house you - not the kids, just you - then that may be what you have to do if you want to get out. If the children aren’t in danger, are safe and loved by your ex then they have a parent who can provide for them. You cannot. So why shouldn’t they stay with him?

You need to get a job OP. And housing whether that’s just for you or not. Then work to get a bigger place with the kids.

Afaik women's aid won't hold a marac though, theyll simply signpost you and help you make an escape plan if you need it.

IDAS however will host a multi agency meeting with the council and the police where they discuss the risk to you and your children and advocate for you to be placed back on the council housing register at a higher priority, or seek temporary accommodation.

Technically you are not homeless, you and your children are living with your ex. What the officer needs is a statement from him that you cannot live with him. He is not prepared to say that because, as far as he is concerned, he is happy for you to live with him.

Sorry I didn't realise idas was primarily yorkshire and humber. The NDAS can also be called and they can hold a marac too.

It's not reasonable for the Council to expect you to live somewhere you're experiencing domestic abuse (DA can be verbal/control not just violence).
It doesn't matter if the ex agrees you can stay or not. It's not reasonable for you to live somewhere where you are being abused.
Shelter ane right you are homeless you should have been put under the relief duty when evicted - not prevention - and you need to appeal. You do need to report the DA though as you need evidence of that.
TA may well be a hotel to start with.

You left property before bailiffs evicted you? If so the council would find you intentionally homeless in my area.

That's against the law/guidance now as well. And can be challenged.

@Wifeofazombiei left before being evicted in agreement with the homelessness team. They agreed I couldn’t stay after all & advised staying with friends or family or my ex.

@Fluffyhogletsi am working with women’s aid at the moment, I will be writing a statement and sending it to the homelessness officer.

Why is the council officer asking to speak to him when you have told them he is verbally abusive?

Yes, that type of collusion is very common frustratingly given the housing stock shortages.

You need to contact Refuge or Women’s aid for advice around safe and immediate temporary accommodation.

My area too