To ask if anything has ever happened in your life that has really changed your perspective?

[GirlsJustWannaHave]

I’m in my mid-20s and a close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer this year. They were fit, healthy, had no prior issues and all of a sudden, cancer. Luckily they’re set to make a full recovery but it’s really made me grateful for everyday and made me realise that you never know what’s around the corner.

Has anyone else ever had anything happen that’s really changed their perspective?

That's interesting. How? What did you think God had done? Why?

My Dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was in my early 20s. Luckily he survived but as others have said, the loss of innocence something like that brings about and at a fairly younger age changes your perspective. Knowing that life can throw you massive curveballs and tip your world upside down.

Having IVF- never crossed my mind we would struggle to conceive and that was a very difficult period.

Now, losing my sister. Nothing comes close to that. It makes you realise that all the other ‘bad’ times in life were nothing compared to this. Everything else is surmountable. This isn’t. But it’s really made me think about who I am as a person and re evaluate life. I don’t have time for peoples bullshit and have cut off people who drain me when I spend time with them. I’d let too many people like that in. I have zero time for people who make everything dramatic. I’m still an empathetic person and a good friend but people who just make everything into a massive deal and drama? No thanks.

@CelticSilver P.S. I should have added - which god?

Yours is an interesting question as it’s easy to assume that grief and other big life events change our perspective, but in reality my experience suggests that our perspectives are less fluid than we think they are. For me nothing short of a tsunami of grief wrought any substantial change.

Having children (which was joyous), then the loss of my adored mother (which broke my heart); these things did not actually change my perspective on life (though they impacted me hugely).

But 3 months ago my beloved oldest daughter died, aged 24, totally unexpectedly. My perspective, my very self, is changed beyond recognition. Sadly, not for the better. I used to be acutely interested in politics, social justice and international affairs. I was active in my community, had a socially useful job and used to volunteer. I now pretty much give no fucks about any of it or any one (save my remaining children). Even my husband of 30 years and my elderly father whom I know, deep down, I still love dearly, can raise barely an ounce of my compassion or concern.

So profound grief has changed my perspective. It’s made me harder, unfeeling. Less kind. I grieve my daughter every second of every day. But I also grieve the person I used to be.

Oh @millit i really feel your pain. My younger daughter grieves along with me at the cruel loss of her sister. They were best friends as well as sisters. Witnessing my younger daughter’s grief is almost worse than coping with my own.

I do hope you find peace and healing.

my dd being seriously ill at 4 years old from a vaccination which caused encephalitis of the brain
Nothing ever compares to the horror of that not my dad dying of cancer or my mum dying if dementia both of which were pretty awful
But my 4 yr old daughter living her ability to speak and understand was the worse
You are never the same again even though despite being told otherwise she recovered you never forget though the pain and the memories do dull over time

Lots of things have happened to me (including a couple of near death experiences) but the biggest perspective change has been recent and shocking. I was on a city tour last week when the tour guide pointed out historic social housing for 'old women over sixty'. I'm 58. I have always felt younger than my years - tbh I still feel about 22. But now here I am. Two years off sixty - the old retirement age. 12 years off seventy - the age I've always thought was 'ancient'.

It's been a shocking revelation. What have I done with my life? Why didn't I change the world (that was the original plan...). Why don't I have more money, or friends? Why don't I feel like a grown up? I think I'm young. Everyone I encounter thinks I'm 'old'.

Similar age for me. They took me to Sunday School and told me to thank god for sending the rain to make our crops grow and give us plenty of food. Then they told me to ask god to help the children where there was no rain, crops or food. I realised the adults there were oblivious to the blindingly obvious contradiction. I understood from then on that all religion is nonsense.

@LadyMacbethWasFierceI’m so sorry for your loss. I am sure that your daughter will feel very much as I do. I hate that my parents have had to go through this. The sadness I felt when I saw my mum blow a kiss to my sister when we laid flowers last week for her anniversary is something that’s hard to put into words.

But I empathise when you say you grieve the person you used to be. It feels selfish but in my darker moments, when I let myself face the reality of life without her, I want to scream I didn’t sign up for this! I don’t want any of it. It is really very hard

Losing a very dear friend, apparently healthy, suddenly from a heart attack. Makes you realise anyone close to you could be gone just like that, so appreciate and nurture your friendships and relationships.

Also suffering a big DVT and PE at 18. Turns out I had an underlying blood disorder but it made me realise anything can happen. You think you're a healthy fit teenager then overnight you're out of breath, lose your ability to walk and your leg is double the size.
I'm 36 now and on controlled meds so it's unlikely to happen again, but fuck me go and live your life. You never know what's round the corner.

I'm so very sorry. I hope you find comfort someday soon in your good memories of him x

When my then 8 year old was diagnosed with cancer. 2 years ago next week and absolutely everything changed.

I'm a different person than who I was then despite the fact that he's thankfully in remission now.

I know it’s horribly trite but I (Me, personally I realize not everyone!) hadn’t had a clue about many many things before having a child. As I was the baby sister and didn’t do any babysitting or have really any contact with babies/young children I’m sure that had a lot to do with it as well. I have a brother with no biological children that thinks the day your kid steps into University, that’s it, you’re ‘free’ and the worry about them is gone. The reality again, for Me, is that it never really stops! I’d have a hard time realizing that if I hadn’t had a child.

Not a huge event in terms of other people's posts on here but I worked in the corporate world and realised that when my boss, who lost her marriage, sent emails after midnight despite knowing that no one could read them to the following morning (this was the 90s and she was one of the few people set up at home for work. No one had a laptop). She travelled all over the place, often staying away every week for months, was on every project and was hugely admired by her staff, including me, was made redundant.

At that point I knew that my dad was wrong, that if you worked harder than the next person you'd be ok. No you wouldn't. I stuck around for about another 8 years before jumping into something completely different taking redundancy at the 9th restructure in 20 years! But during those 8 years I made sure I had a work life balance.

did she recover? I couldnt quite make that out?

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you have someone to talk about her to now x

Something similar happened to me but not a tumor luckily. I went suddenly deaf in one ear nearly 5 years ago. No known cause and an MRI ruled out anything sinister. ENT said it's rare and I'd probably never know why. It's nerve damage perhaps caused by a virus (I had no pain just a v mild cold at the time). I got misdiagnosed by various health professionals which has been frustrating because steroids may have helped if they were taken in the first 2 wks. So I've little to no hearing in that ear and loud, reactive, changeable but constant tinnitus. Before this I never thought about my hearing. Now it's an issue every day especially in noisy situations where I struggle to hear and the quiet when my tinnitus fills up the space. I'm sorry that you've the added stress of the tumor.

My sister (only sibling, we were v v close, best pals really, rented flats together etc, only 2 years apart) was diagnosed with a rare, aggressive type of cancer when she was 22 and I was 24, it was horrible. And such a shock. We all grew up pretty quickly. We had a shared friendship group and that switch from being out all the time, carefree and being daft to visiting her at the hospital was so fast and sobering.

When she died just after her 25th birthday my parents and I were bereft and it took me a good few years, in fact probably until after my 30th birthday (so at least 3 years) to be interested in dating again or looking for jobs or caring about my career.

I met my now DH when I was 31 and he was brilliant, helped me so much moving on and getting on with things. My mum died recently too, she'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 10 or 12 years ago, so a few years after my sister had died. That's put things in perspective too, seeing her go through that and losing herself to the disease. It weirdly felt similar in some ways to when my sister was terminally ill, the person you love just deteriorating. Horrible. It's a clichéd thing to say, but time makes things a bit easier and also helps with perspective.

Having children too gives you a change of attitude to what's important in life. One of my children is disabled, non verbal, a lovely 7 year old but very challenging and it's hard. Day to day can sometimes be a battle. I see friends and it seems like they have sailed through their lives; still got their siblings, still close to them, lovely partners, parents still alive, great careers and neurotypical children who seem to be thriving at everything. Sometimes it's hard not to feel sorry for myself that I don't have that but then, I feel like I'm a really strong person. I don't let things worry or phase me now as much as I used to.

My own cancer diagnosis in my 30s. I no longer want stuff, I want savings and security. Constantly also torn between making memories with family and friends and not wanting to spend the money.

Oh @millit the “I didn’t sign up for this” so sums it up doesn’t it?

I knew there were no guarantees when I had a child - but her dying? No. That was not what I signed up for!

And her sister (younger by 3 years; she is just 21) is enraged that what she saw as 80 more years of sisterhood and comradeship is just stolen away (sibling relationships are potentially the most enduring we ever have).

I am an only child, but I took such delight in the relationship between my 2 daughters (they have a much younger brother who they also adore/adored but it’s a very different dynamic).

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sister.

I think my daughter would benefit from joining a sibling bereavement group. If you are aware of any maybe you could PM me. I really wish you well.

So much loss and grief eloquently expressed on here. I am ashamed that my own grief has hardened me. That’s not who I want to be.

@ImMissingMum. I am so sorry to read of your losses. As I mentioned above, the loss of that sister bond cuts particularly hard. My own lovely daughter grieves her older sister so acutely it’s painful for me to witness.

I send you peace and love.

Diagnosed with breast cancer last November. Completely changed my outlook. I’m lucky that it’s caught early. I’m much less stressed about stuff now. It’s really put things into perspective

Losses of family members, and more recently a dear friend died very suddenly. We were both turning 60 this year and had so many plans; hills to climb, coves to swim in. I can’t get my head around it.

Dh was a victim of a life changing attack. It's a miracle he survived and recovered as well as he has but there are long term impacts. I was mid 20s and felt like my world had fallen apart. I learnt I have a core of steel and can cope in situations when I need to. I decided to focus on the positive things in life and keep a clear sense of proportion. I felt cracked but I've healed stronger.

Nothing like the tragic personal experiences of earlier posters which are heart-rending.

Visiting Notre Dame and and engaging with the spirituality that I felt around me and understanding, totally, that there was indeed a God.