To ask if anything has ever happened in your life that has really changed your perspective?

[GirlsJustWannaHave]

I’m in my mid-20s and a close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer this year. They were fit, healthy, had no prior issues and all of a sudden, cancer. Luckily they’re set to make a full recovery but it’s really made me grateful for everyday and made me realise that you never know what’s around the corner.

Has anyone else ever had anything happen that’s really changed their perspective?

Death of a close friend recently from cancer
someone who was full of life , fiercely intelligent , competitive , successful in every thing they did ….just gone just like that within three months of diagnosis

Realising my mother didn't protect me as a child as she should have. The impact of the lack of protection lasted 2 or 3 decades.
Realising she actually should never have had children, she has no emotional intelligence whatsoever.
Finally, due to dementia, Realising there are questions I'll never get answers too.

I'm actually now ok with all of the above.

Two things for me.

1. In sixth form, I was accused of gossiping and was jumped by a group of girls, two in particular whilst the rest watched. I was eventually eventually vindicated months later as it turned out, it was one of my accusers herself that had been the one going round making things up, about everyone, including her best friend who then jumped her.

I learnt how to be alone during year 13. I went to library alone, caught the bus alone and learnt how to be my own friend. It really gave me skills on how to be alone and be okay with it.

1. Leaving an arranged marriage by myself and moving to a new city because my ex husband was violent and addicted to drugs and a depressive. I ended up getting a divorce by sticking to my guns. My family especially my mother were unsupportive at first. Its why I didn't go back home. My mum forced me to go to counselling with him and drive him to and from counselling. He tried to strangle me in my car. I refused after that. In the end, my immigrant dad (who most people would probably accuse of forcing me to stay, if you listen to all the rhetoric about muslim dads) saved me and demanded that my ex give me a divorce and never contact me again. My ex was shocked that my usually placid and easy going dad had changed. My mum was shocked because she wanted me to stay as she was worried what the community would think. He gave me a divorce and I've never heard from him again.

I then a few years later married who I wanted to marry (different culture, different race) with no objection from anybody. I'm grateful to my dad for pushing the divorce through. I don't blame them for the arranged marriage. Noone had any idea that he was addicted to cocaine/weed and that he was a depressive.

My Sister died in 2013 at 53, and then a friend's Husband the year after. My Sister brought me up and she was the anchor in my life. My marriage was never good, I hated my job, he was always looking for the next material thing to show off at my expense. It was when my friend said that she had lost the love of her life I knew I had to get out. It took another 4 years and a few other dramas in between until I left him and my job, I had nothing but I was happy.

As I'm older, lots of things. Obviously, having children changed my life forever, as did my subsequent divorce many, many years ago...but those things happen to many people.

The death of my best friend of breast cancer...we were at school together, she was bridesmaid at my wedding, she was incredibly supportive during my divorce and afterwards. Made me value life much more, we can never know what awaits us in the future.

Having a medical problem some years ago which could have affected my whole life, ability to work etc. I was shocked at how a relatively small problem can be so debilitating and how important good health is - no amount of wealth or fortune will make things better if we have lost our good health. I was immensely fortunate to be part of a clinical trial which discovered a small, relatively easy procedure which, if done every 6 months, mean I life life perfectly normally and no-one would know I have a problem.

Travelling the world and living alongside people who do not place value on possessions and material goods. It changed my outlook forever. We carry so much "stuff" about with us, it's all unnecessary. In my older years I strive to live a simpler and more contemplative life, so much better for the planet and for mental wellbeing. I can quite honestly say that I'm happier in my older years than I've ever been.

My dad died at 54 then my mum was killed in a car accident at 69. DH and are retiring at the end of this year both aged 55 and will be travelling and spending going forward. Tomorrow is not promised. Die with zero!

DDad became ill when he was 50, died at 61. I was just 12 when he was diagnosed and just 23 when he died. He always spoke about his plans for retirement, but never got to retire. His health deteriorated very quickly, and he spent the last 5 years of his life in a nursing home (Parkinson’s). I learnt very young that things don’t always pan out as planned.

In my 40s, a good friend died of a brain tumour. She was the mother of DS’s best friend. As I get older, navigate all the aches and pains and menopause etc, I know that she would have loved to have been here - warts and all - to have that time with her family. I have a deal with myself that I will be thankful for the small stuff. Again, tomorrow is not a given.

My parents both died at a reasonable age (around 80) so it wasn't horribly early and in both cases there wasn't a long drawn out illness. But I suddenly felt very alone in the world, despite having my own family. It's almost 20 years ago but I still think about them nearly every day.

Having my ex arrested for SA of my daughter and the subsequent 2 year long mental break down was an eye opener.

So so sorry for this.

I can relate. Probably the most significant life event that impacts me and mine to this very day more than 30 years on.

There are no possible words that can describe the depth of utter desecration of your life after such a thing.
Just know though that there are others who “feel” it without you needing to describe it. Xx

Losing my mum very suddenly when I was 18. It was a bolt out of the blue & it changed everything for me. But on the bright side, I'm now very resilient & can deal with pretty much everything life throws at me

My best friend succumbed to mental health issues then took her own life. As @dontforgettofloss says suicide changes you in ways you can’t describe. And it’s still taboo even here on MN.

Yes the biggest things have been death and kids. Losing people has been horrific but weirdly I’ve lived my best life since then because I appreciate it more and say yes to things. Kids because they humble you and make you feel confident and like you can handle anything.

Finally realising that it did not matter the scale of abuse that had happened in my family, that some family members would cover for the abuser and avoid dealing with it in any way.

It changed my understanding of family fundamentally. I could finally see that there are really shitty wholesale dysfunctional families out there where the normal healthy social rules for family just don’t apply. When people say “you only get one Father/Mother” well that doesn’t apply to me because when we think of a father/mother we think nurturing, protective, caring, loving and that is not my father/mother so normal rules don’t apply.

It also allowed me to finally understand why all my life I had struggled with such enormous internal emotional dysregulation as I’d tried to navigate around the misogyny and narcissism I’d grown up surrounded by.

My mental health and regulation are night and day from what I grew up with but obviously it left serious emotional scars.

Having children. Before I was very much a trans ally/ on the fence about feminism. But 9 months of being treated like a walking uterus, receiving appalling maternity care (although staff were amazing, the funding was clearly not there), being so skint on SMP that my card regularly was declined when I tried to buy milk, being replaced by a man whilst on mat leave, losing my relationship, all of that made me think ‘hang on, it’s shit being a woman!’
Being a woman is the biggest scam. It’s not having it all, it’s doing it all. I love my children but everything has been harder in a way which it just hasn’t been for their dad.
So now that men say they want to be women, I say crack on, but you’ll never know what it’s like really.

Left an abusive marriage eventually after years and years of longing to escape and something clicked in me....the scales fell from my eyes and I suddenly realised the truth about my parents and my upbringing. I had been in denial about so many things. It triggered a nasty bout of depression but things are ok again now, eventually.

I have an example from 2 days ago! DC2 has always caused endless problems. They are early 20s and were recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I have been incredibly patient with DC2 because they do have genuine problems, but I lost my shit with them on Saturday. I never do that so it must have been a big shock for them but for me it was incredibly cathartic. I am not that good at standing up for myself and I have proved to myself that occasionally not being diplomatic and being incredibly honest about what I am angry or upset about is a A Good Thing to Do. It has definitely been a moment of great personal development for me. I hope it has done the same for DC2 but sadly I’m not convinced I have had as much impact on them as I hoped - but time will tell.

I am late 50s so I have many other examples. My GP telling me I was living with domestic abuse was a big one. I knew our relationship wasn’t good but to be honest I had thought it was more than 50% my fault - exDP was an incredibly good manipulator. It took probably a year for this information to start sinking in and then another 6 months to a year for me to start looking for a new place to live. It was only 2.5 years after living on my own and MANY counselling sessions that I was able to finally feel totally convinced that none of the domestic abuse was my fault and that the whole thing was firmly in my past rather than part of my present. Although it is sort of still in my present because exDP is manipulating DC2 against me and also tries to make sure that I cannot be with my DCs on their birthdays.

When I was in my 20s, I spent the best part of a year backpacking around numerous 3rd world countries. It was a massive education. It made me truly and deeply understand how lucky I am, plus it made me far more resourceful, adaptable and resilient. There were no mobile phones back then so I was living on my wits and a guide book.

@GirlsJustWannaHavewell done for creating this thread. It’s a very good question and has really got me thinking. My answer is in my PP but to be honest I could have rambled on for ever about all sorts of life events that have changed me and my perspective.

Yes, a failed close familial relationship. I realised the person didn't care the same for me as I did for them. I realised that their poor behaviour was a coping mechanism, not that this excuses it but it explained it.

It was life changing. I'm traumatised and feel a fool.

That said I survived it but it is a life before and life after situation. It's changed fundamentally how I view life now.

Thanks @Thisseasonsdiamante. This resonates with me. Hope you are okay now.

My so called manager trying to stop me going home, even argued with me that I should finish my work first, none of which was time dependent or would cause a single issue elsewhere, when my Mum took a turn for the worse and she died that night. I ignored him, went home and overnight I suddenly cared not a shit for work and my entire outlook changed. When I went back to work I was top of his list for redundancy and it happened within the month 21st December! I made his life a misery in that month, but I had ensured I engaged with agencies and walked into a temp job on 2nd January with flu, but I needd the work!!!! So a crap couple of months, but that's how I met DH through the temp job, it was our 22nd wedding anniversary last week. Moral, focus on you and yours, grab at life, exploit all opportunities, remember work sees you only as a line on a spreadsheet and don'tsweat the small stuff!

A friend of my daughter's died of cancer at nine years old, a colleague's son died of cancer at 28. One was leukemia the other glioblastoma.

It's heartbreaking. I took from it to let go of the small things, focus on happiness and try to live a purposeful good life. A life well lived as it might not be a long life.

My DH is disabled and has a life limiting condition. This happened in his mid 40s, we try to make the most of life, and can't change what's happened.

Friend commited suicide as a teen.

Bullied for being disabled.

CSA from sports coach.

Sick parent. (mental health/disability/conditions)

DV

Witnessing several housefires of various severity.

Late diagnosis of two lifelong disabilities.

Having disabled children. (That I passed the disability to because I didn't know)

car accident. (changed the way I drive)

I got diagnosed with cancer last year (I’m 45) For about 2 months we thought it was terminal and I went into admin mode to sort all affairs and what would happen to my children (10 & 12)

I’ve had treatment and now clear but ever day is a blessing now

The first was having an abusive parent. I often used to wonder (as a child) how, and why, my mother put up with it. It wasn't until I was much older that I understood more about it. Then the abusive one died, and it was such a relief. Home was a much more relaxed, and happier, place. It made me realise how much of an influence one person can be over others, and the effect that we can have on other people- both positive and negative. Even as a child, I thought, "I'm never putting up with that as an adult". Thankfully, I don't, and my sibling seems to have broken the cycle of abuse by actually being nice to their child.

The second was having a nervous breakdown. It made my mother realise how bad things had become, but other family members still stuck to the, "mental health problems aren't real. There were people who came back from the war with less..." (yes, and one family member had to drink himself into a stupor every night, just to get to sleep). It made me realise how much pressure my family exerted on me, and it was very stressful. I don't remember much from that time, apart from lying there in bed, thinking, "I did what I was told (A-Levels, a degree and a Proper Job), and it didn't make me very happy. Perhaps I should try what I wanted to do in the first place, and see if that makes me happy"... so I did, and it worked (mostly). The breakdown also had the unintended, but very useful, consequence of encouraging me to say, "No" to things that would be too stressful for me to cope with. I've been told that I'm selfish for not giving in and the likes, but my mother has told me at times that she feels the same way... so it gave me more motivation to get sufficiently far away from the village where I grew up, and my family, to experience the non-stop novelties of privacy and independence.

It also made me less anxious, and realise that I don't want to be sat in an old people's home, thinking, "I wish that I'd done X, Y and Z when I had the chance". I have one shot at life, and it's my job to make it as happy and interesting as it can be, for as long as I'm on this earth... so perhaps that nervous breakdown was a blessing in disguise, for giving me the courage that I didn't know that I had.