To ask if anything has ever happened in your life that has really changed your perspective?

[GirlsJustWannaHave]

I’m in my mid-20s and a close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer this year. They were fit, healthy, had no prior issues and all of a sudden, cancer. Luckily they’re set to make a full recovery but it’s really made me grateful for everyday and made me realise that you never know what’s around the corner.

Has anyone else ever had anything happen that’s really changed their perspective?

I think things are constantly changing my perspective.

Yes, there are big events like you describe - and in fact my Mum has sadly recently been diagnosed with cancer also (like your friend, likely to make a full recovery, thankfully).

Things like divorce, having a sick child etc also make a difference. A previous difficult relationship and the issue that brought.

Then smaller things like every time I get to know a new person it changes things slightly. Little things I or the children experience in our lives at work or school, a book I might read or a film or a song.

But then at the same time, in many ways at my core I’ve felt completely consistent. I can look back at things that formed my basic principles when I was young and say “yes I still feel the same about that”. Even if I put different labels on things now, or realise I need to apply them differently , or I made an error things xyz was true, the basics are the same.

My mum died when I was 5 and nobody has really talked about her since and that was a long time ago! Only just started dealing with my emotions around it in the last few years.

Being walloped with severe depression out of nowhere changed me completely. Thankfully I recovered eventually but I am so much more empathetic and never sweat the small stuff anymore.

Cancer, which I won’t recover from.
Nothing else matters. Not the house, the decorating, the loose bathroom tile; only my children, parents and partner.

I’m sorry you had an abusive parent growing up, my DH did too and it had so many consequences but I really admire your dedication to pulling yourself forwards and you have a very inspiring approach to life. Your post really resonates with me.

A friend died of a rare cancer and a cousin died shortly after . It just hit me that life is very short and not to put things off. I had always wanted to spend an extended time in another country so did just that for six weeks in summer . Partly wanted to escape pressure of ADHD daughter being so confrontational and partly wanted to get away from DH who I was starting to feel was disconnected from me and our marriage. Turns out my daughter realized how much I had done for her . But turned out the reason DH was being aloof was because he was having an affair. Still annoys me that I returned as I had the opportunity to stay but felt disloyal .

The upshot is that I now look after me and myself alone . Protected myself financially and emotionally too.

My parents both died in their mid 60's within a couple of years of one another.

I don't complain about anything nowadays. All I care about is that my loved ones are safe, healthy and in good health.

Everything that happens shapes our opinions.
My mum died when I was in my early 20s and I am sure my parenting has changed as a result. Not only not having her to help or advise through pg and birth etc but also in that I often plan in case I also die young. I have had health issues over the last few years so I have a Will and often feel I have to think ahead. I know how hard it is not knowing family health information or what to expect.

A few years ago a friend also committed suicide after being diagnosed with terminal liver failure. This was just before I became ill and was my trigger to completely stop drinking and smoking, which I haven't done since. We had known each other since University and life is very different without her.

Lost both my parents in my 20s after caring for both of them all my life. Made me a very unsympathetic cow unfortunately, I definitely “don’t sweat the small stuff” but this has caused a lot of problem with people who do.

Understand that totally! I find it hard to be around miserable, pathetic moany bores who have no idea how fortunate they are to be alive to moan.

Your story has reminded me that the main thing I keep telling my daughter is not to give anything up for a man. I moved, left jobs and even shamefully had an abortion because various men made me. My life would have been hugely different if I had put myself first. Passing these stories and information on is hugely important so that women don't go backwards.

When my eldest child was diagnosed with brain cancer and lost his fight 2 and half years later at age 18.

everything before then (divorce, still birth of twins, miscarriages) and after (my mum died a year after my son from cancer, my dad diagnosed a year later with early dementia and his subsequent death) are things that happened to me but are not as shocking as my son.

Ive changed in so many ways, not all of them good, but I make sure I enjoy the simple things in life, retired early and take life more slowly and try to enjoy the bits I can.

“I just realised that.... She's just not a very nice person. Simple as that.”

That sentence is so simple but also so hard to digest and accept.

I was a very slow learner. It has taken me AGES to accept that some people are just not nice, regardless of the relationship.

Well done for being smarter than me.

Maybe more ‘positive’ than some on this thread…

I had an abusive childhood and have struggled with severe depression and anxiety
for almost 40 years. Hearing a therapist say that my feelings and emotions are
valid was so affirming. I went from feeling like there was something ‘wrong’ with me for not being able to cope, to feeling like my mental illness is a completely understandable response to years of trauma.

I’ve named it. I’m open about it. I am on medication for it. I’m kinder to myself. I tell people I have to turn down invitations because I’m having a rough time with my mental health, just like I would if I was physically unwell.

There's been 3 points in my life when I could have easily died. At some point in the future I definitely will die. So a lot of stuff just really doesn't matter. You have to make the best of things in the here and now because that's all you have. Don't put off things you want to do (if you have the ability to do them), don't stress about things because it won't change the outcome.

I generally don't think about the future or the past. I've trained myself to be that way. Obviously if someone very close to me was seriously ill or something, I would still worry, I'm not a robot. But a lot of things that people worry about are really not worth the mental energy. Either because they're minor or so out of the control of the person doing the worrying.

This struck a chord. My whole way of viewing the world has changed once I accepted the fact that my entire family is either abusive or complicit in one way or another. The fence sitters in some ways are the worse offenders; that they'll witness shocking levels of abusive behaviour and attacks but say and do nothing for fear that they'll become the target or be the next in line to become scapegoated. They often refer to themselves as peacekeepers or neutral or state they don't want to get involved, but ultimately it's weakness and self preservation that keeps them from speaking up. It's the lasting legacy of a highly dysfunctional family unit, that I no longer trust anyone to ever have my back and have an embedded notion, that it's a survival of the fittest world.

my DH hoarded money and in a roundabout way it caused me to go into psychosis from which I lost everythign id built form an abuisve and traumatic childhood

me too. I thought I survived ok until li had psychosis at 44 and lost everything id worked for and I had built a totally amazing life

I fell, went flying & bumped my head, about 20 years ago. Everything in my mind became quite literal, no nuance or emotion. A sandwich was just components together, not a meal or a nice eating experience. Going to bed was lying down, on a slab with sheets, and closing my eyes.
It lasted about 5 days until it wore off, but in that time I made clear decisions & got myself out of a bad situation in my life without a second thought. I could see right from wrong & just call it. All thanks to a pair of too-long-trousers & a metal parking bollard!

My granddaughter died by suicide, when she was thirty. She had emigrated to Canada and she was doing really well. She said she was the happiest she'd ever been - but then she wasn't, and she died. She lay for five days before she was found, and she had an indoor cat. I hope her cat was a comfort to her as her life ebbed away. But now I can never hear the words, 'No news is good news' because sometimes it really isn't. Not knowing what's coming is such a blessing.

Divorce was like being shot; it permanently damaged me. First, I mourned the loss of the 'love' and the life I was 'supposed' to have, then it sunk in how subtley abusive he'd been and I'm still appalled at myself for letting it happen so there's anger and upset at that now. Not only do I now not trust and have no romantic instincts but it undermined my confidence and ability to make decisions.

More recently, I moved to a very remote island because I wanted to get away from the world, but it's actually taught me to appreciate civillisation. Now I live in a big city.

Menopause has wiped out my ambition and made me realise how HARD I made my life, for no reason whatsoever. I'm all about taking it easy, shortcuts and selfishness now 🤣

Giving birth made me believe in God.

Nearly died during childbirth, as did DC. Put a fair few things into perspective and changed our family plan forever.

I'm sorry to hear that. Trauma does awful things to us. you can have that amazing life once again, it just might look a bit different. Wishing you wellness.

That's fascinating. I have a friend who sees everything logically and unemotionally. Trying to see things through his eyes definitely simplifies things and sometimes helps me to make decisions.