How can I ever trust my wife again?

[FogCatcher]

My wife planned for a year to leave me in secret, she told me our marriage is over and moved out months later. How can I ever forgive her? She said she left due to name calling and me treating her badly. I admit I treated her badly but how can I ever trust her again?

She’s ruined everything, she’s destroyed all our lives! She also mentioned other stuff that I apparently said to her - very bad things - she’s lying! She’s a dangerous person! She wants to ruin me!

I’ll never forget that terrible email from universal credit saying that my wife had told them she was now single. How could she do that to me? How can I ever trust her again?

*This is a reverse post from my husband’s POV.

Why would he need to trust you again if you’ve left?

You dont need to give your ex husband ANY headspace. You dont need validation or approval you did what you needed to do. Who gives a shit what he thinks...

When he says you’re lying, are you? Probably stop doing that.

What is the point of this?

Okay then

Definitely not lying.

Exactly what I was thinking

If we were to get back together.

Are you considering this? Why?

This is the classic internet meme of the snake biting you and leaving you with their venom and you wondering why the snake bit you instead of trying to extract the venom.

Your husband behaves the way he does because over his lifetime his brain has literally wired through personality and experience to behave that way, just like how a snake evolves, you need to extract your husband’s venom and accept his nature nothing more.

What?

Stop writing posts from a supposedly different point of view to validate your feelings.

Have you left? If you have, it doesn't matter what he thinks about you. You did what you had to do to leave. Well done.

It’s just hard to accept him blaming me completely for leaving even though I’ve told him the reasons (him treating me badly) it’s like he’s completely deaf to any of my reasons and only sees how hurt he is.

Lol. Men are daft.

I’ve left, it’s the endless messages about how I’ve destroyed our lives - no apology or asking for forgiveness.

To keep our family together.

What's with all the from the other persons point of view posts?

I imagine you just ignore your husband and concentrate on building a better life without him.

If he was actually hearing-impaired, you wouldn't expect him to hear you.
The fact is, he is emotionally-impaired and probably totally selfish, so you shouldn't expect him to hear you.
As the other poster says, for whatever reason, he is a venomous snake. Forget him.

You left because he treated you badly - so he couldn't see, throughout your marriage, what things were like from your perspective, or how you felt.

But now that you've ended the relationship you suddenly expect him to see it from your POV?

Sure, he should probably be a better person. But he isn't, wasn't, doesn't sound like he ever was, so you're unrealistic to expect that he'll change just because you left!

Ive been you OP. In some ways I still am - 8 years on!!!! My ex was unbelievably cruel - still is. For some reason it still hurts me and drives me nuts that his perspective is IM the monster. I mean Im a lot lot better than I was, mostly don't give a shit, but it still stings abit. At your stage is stung loads and I used to endlessly try and reason with him.

My advice (which I need to follow myself) is IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE THINKS OR SAYS. It really really doesn't. He is never going to see things from your side because he is a narcissist. Same as mine. You can't reason with crazy.

I think people being harsh are being extremely unkind to a abused woman. I hope it never happens to you. It messes with your head for a long time - maybe forever.

Why do you need him to see your hurt, you feeling hurt is enough. Don’t ask the snake why he bit you, know that the bite is harmful.

You need to look at your own personality and wiring and you need to focus on changing that not him. So you want validation from people who abuse you? Why do you want that? When in your life did you start wanting that? Now that you are an adult how can you change that? These are your issues, not him, he is not your issue.

what’s he want you to say? Sorry I don’t want to be with you…. Sorry you don’t make me happy…. Sorry I don’t want to listen to you name calling. He needs to get over it. He’s gaslighting you…..

You've left - if you have children you need to find a way to co-parent successfully. Whoever was in the wrong or the right (and it's never 100% anyone's fault and no one is 100% blameless, that's not real life) you both need to move past it. You can't change his behaviour you can only decide how you respond to it, so if he starts rattling on about you ruining him or not being able to trust you, then you shut it down by saying: "I understand that you feel that way, it's not how I feel and I won't be discussing it further."

Also if he treated you so terribly why on earth are you considering going back to him? You said 'to keep the family together' but the family are already apart and he's still treating you badly. You made your choice for good reasons, now stick to them because nothing seems to have changed - if anything he is behaving in a worse manner - and you have made your escape for the good of yourself AND the family. Nothing worse for kids than being brought up in a toxic environment.

Do not go back. Just tell him, "if you can't trust me then, of course, we shouldn't get back togehter. You're right." He is only saying that so that if and when you DO get back together, he can act the victim and YOU will have to do all the work because you have to "regain his trust".

So please, do not get back together.

Also, do not expect him to ever understand or accept responsibility. I'm not saying he's a narcissist, but look up covert or vulnerable narcissistic behaviours - this is pretty standard for people with those traits or characteristics.

You will be blamed for breaking up the family.
You will be expected to do all the work to manage any fall out.
Any financial implications will be borne largely by you. Ironically, this will be worse if you are the primary breadwinner as he expect you to continue to fund his lifestyle and if you don't, there will be many many ways in which he will punish you.
Incidentally, he will punish you by using the children against you. That will be his main form of punishment.
He will threaten you with everything from taking the children, taking the money, taking the house to telling everyone how awful you are, the police, social services.
Oh, on that note - be prepared for the smear campaign. This is when he will start making sure that anyone and everyone knows how aful you are.