How can I ever trust my wife again?

[FogCatcher]

My wife planned for a year to leave me in secret, she told me our marriage is over and moved out months later. How can I ever forgive her? She said she left due to name calling and me treating her badly. I admit I treated her badly but how can I ever trust her again?

She’s ruined everything, she’s destroyed all our lives! She also mentioned other stuff that I apparently said to her - very bad things - she’s lying! She’s a dangerous person! She wants to ruin me!

I’ll never forget that terrible email from universal credit saying that my wife had told them she was now single. How could she do that to me? How can I ever trust her again?

*This is a reverse post from my husband’s POV.

But why did you leave in the first place? Presumably you were unhappy enough to leave. Has anything changed to make you think your relationship could be better in future?

It's not better to keep your family together if that means showing your children that a relationship is acceptable where one partner is abusing the other .
You left because he treated you like crap, he isn't taking any responsibility and therefore won't be changing his ways and is blaming you. What example would that be setting for your children. Ask yourself why it is preferable to you to have both parents under one roof where the relationship is toxic rather than raising them separately

A year is a long time to deceive someone into thinking they have a marriage, even if they aren’t very nice.

Give it a rest plenty of women have to bide their time to leave abusive relationships.

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship. However, yabu to want the sort of closure you are seeking. He won't apologise, or if he does it will be to either try to win you back or otherwise manipulate you. He doesn't accept his behaviour and isnt sorry.

Focus on moving on, limiting contact except for directly related to parenting. Consider grey rock approach if needed. Contact womens aid for support, and counselling. Wishing you all the best - I've been there and it is likely to get worse short term. But long term it's fantastic.

@FogCatcher you've done the right thing leaving but he's never going to see that, he ruined his own life but that's far too hard for him to admit so he'll blame you instead. Don't expect an apology and stop engaging with him unless it's absolutely necessary.
Men like your ex love a good public image, he doesn't want anyone to know he was a git at home. Stop listening to him whining and get a good solicitor

You point out that your leaving was entirely his fault had he behaved as a decent husband and human you wouldn't have been forced to leave and divorce him. Do this every single time he brings it up and ask him how he can expect you to trust him to treat you as an equal and what he would change about his behaviour. Eventually he will stop bringing it up.

Why on earth do you think that keeping your family together is more important than trying to protect your children from the lifelong damage teaching them that its normal for parents to be horrible to each other will do to them?

So what. I'd feel upset if my partner left me and possibly it could come out in anger. He knows he's far from perfect and is in denial.

He'll be onto begging you back and saying he's changed next week...

Then he'll be saying how you were the one abusing him...

Then probably have a highly inappropriate rebound relationship to try and make you jealous..

Just don't ever speak to him again.

But you won't be getting back together...will you?

He says I would have a lot of work to do if we were to get back together.

@FogCatcher I get you. Sad to say mines still at it almost a decade later.

Well that would be a bloody stupid thing to do wouldn't it.

This.

So why are you even contemplating it? Presumably you left him because you thought he was the problem. Now he's giving you the impression that if he deigned to resume the relationship, all blame would be on you, and you would need to work to make him trust you again? That's no basis for any relationship.

Stick to your original idea of leaving him for good.

Why on earth would you do that

But why would you want to get back together? You spent a year working so you could escape.

Are you entertaining this, i.e. doing a lot of work on yourself so you can get back together?

What does he need to do for you to get back together? I think you'd be insane to even consider it. He hasn't learnt anything at all from you leaving

It’s the logistics and missing the family unit, all of us being together. The co-parenting logistics are a nightmare, complicated and difficult. I think I expected to feel such a sense of relief for having left but it’s been very hard.

He won’t say what exactly I would need to do which is worrying.

Maybe reply with a list of what he would have to do.

It must have been bad for you to spend a year planning to leave. Don't even think of going back. Remember how it was and look forward to making your current life as good as you can.

If he was capable of seeing your perspective you would possibly be still together. He is incapable of seeing you as a fully functional human being.

Think of it for a moment from another perspective - your fridge or your washing machine started going on about how they have rights too and don't like you being the one to decide everything... You would be super annoyed with the washing machine but you would never see it's perspective because it's role in your kitchen is to wash clothes - not to have emotions and feelings. It's bad enough that it breaks down every now and then - but a hospital visit is inevitable sometimes. But that's it - beyond that it should just wash the clothes.

You are the malfunctioning white goods in your husband's life. He will never see your perspective.

Still confused on this post.

He's punishing you for leaving, he's not at all contrite and if you go back he will have won, you will be the one in the wrong and he won't let you forget it

I have a friend who left her truly nasty DH. Went back because of the DC and he's never stopped punishing her for it and now she's back at square one. And it wasn't easy to leave the first time

Do you not trust your own judgement?

Why on earth would you expect a man you need to leave to agree with you?

So what if he blames you - he blames you because he is an abusive twat...and that is why you are leaving.

And more fool you if you even consider getting back together.