How can I ever trust my wife again?

[FogCatcher]

My wife planned for a year to leave me in secret, she told me our marriage is over and moved out months later. How can I ever forgive her? She said she left due to name calling and me treating her badly. I admit I treated her badly but how can I ever trust her again?

She’s ruined everything, she’s destroyed all our lives! She also mentioned other stuff that I apparently said to her - very bad things - she’s lying! She’s a dangerous person! She wants to ruin me!

I’ll never forget that terrible email from universal credit saying that my wife had told them she was now single. How could she do that to me? How can I ever trust her again?

*This is a reverse post from my husband’s POV.

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I’ve seen your other posts about this and you’re clearly struggling and still being abused, so I’m going to be quite blunt; are you fucking insane?

You managed to get yourself out of a situation that was horrendous. Exactly how bad do you think it would be if you went back? In his mind, you’ve become the villain. And because you haven’t disabused him of that notion, he’s now convinced that you believe that you’re the villain too. However bad it was before you left, it will be a million times worse if you go back. There will not be an hour where he isn’t using it as either a stick to beat you with, or as an excuse to abuse you further. If you thought it was bad enough before, it will be worse. And you’ll never get the chance to leave again unless you run out the front door with nothing but the clothes on your back.

Do you miss the family unit? All of you being together? Or do you miss what you would have liked the family unit to have been? Because if being in a family unit with him was so lovely, you wouldn’t have wanted to leave. And co-parenting can be a nightmare. But more so when your abuser is continuing to abuse you.

Set up an email address specifically for communication about the children. Block him on all other platforms. If he threatens to take you to court because he isn’t getting his own way over something then let him. Just reply ‘duly noted’. Then contact Women's Aid because you need to recognise that he is still trying to abuse you and you need help to stand up to him.

Sounds like my friend's ex and probably loads of other men. "Victims" with no ability to he introspective.

You really need to think more about this. You are better off on your own than in a wrong relationship.

Why are you thinking otherwise?

I think this post highlights exactly WHY you cannot go back OP.
I understand it is hard and there is a huge period of adjusting to be done for all of you but you will get there.

Whilst I understand the family unit etc and your DC being happy but what about your happiness? And in my opinion the DC will be happier (in the long term) to see both their parents happy rather than in a loveless unhappy marriage. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Accept it will be hard for a while, set some boundaries and stick to them and try to get an agreement in place for DC and EH which you all must abide by. In time it will get easier and you will all adapt to the new norm.

Goodluck stay strong and remember the reasons you left. You deserve happiness & peace too. xx

Stop looking to him for an apology thinking it will make a difference, it won't. There is very little he could say to you of any interest at this point, surely?

Block his endless messages, tell him if he doesn't stop you'll report him for harrassment. Stop jumping through hoops and trying to get inside his head, you're 50% of the equation, remove yourself.

It’s a question of choosing your hard.

Of course it’s difficult to disentangle yourself from an abusive man, particularly if you have DCs together. Many things will be a struggle and many people will not agree with your decision.

But think about how you want your life to be 5-10-15 years down the line. You have a bright, joyous future ahead of you. Never look behind.

@FogCatcher he's delibrately keeping you unsettled and making your life hard because if he doesn't you might see how much, much nicer your life is without him and his abuse. If you give in and go back he will make your life hell to punish you for leaving, what's worse he will try to turn your DC against you so that you can never leave again.
Op, I don't know you but I do know if you give in and go back you'll be back on here in a few months saying how much you regret it

He can't have treated you that badly if you're considering going back. Whatever the logistics.

Are you the poster whose son refuses to stay overnight/now won't eat at her house, and your ex and his mother are poisoning your son against you?

If so - and even if not - you left for a reason.
Get your children into counselling instead.

What on earth is the point of this thread?

You obviously have zero insight into abuse if that's your stance and probably shouldn't be on these types of threads. Beaten and hospitalised women can still end up returning to physically abusive men. Would you consider those men didn't treat their partner that badly too?

Even more worrying is the fact you're contemplating it.

What the hell is wrong with you?
A petty annoyance over a reverse (yes they're annoying) depletes your humanity to the extent that this comment doesn't strike you as repellent?

The only work you need to do is to ensure you are completely rid of this man. He's one of life's bullies. He treats you badly you then squeals like a stuck pig when you decide you have had enough. Move on from this pathetic limp dick. If you can block him so you don't have to ready his whining tantrums and only have contact through the solicitors. You deserve better. With people like this nothing is ever their fault. If they behave badly it's because their ViCTiM maDe ThEM dO IT. Get shot of this piece of shite once and for all.

I don’t understand why you need him to validate your own perfectly reasonable reasons for leaving.

You reply once more and tell him clearly the reasons why you left and that you won’t be discussing it any further.

You can leave a relationship for any reason you like - but please do not go back, all the reasons you left will still be there plus the fact he doesn’t trust you.

He is fundamentally a twat who cannot and will not take any responsibility. Just be prepared for the difficult times ahead, document everything, keep evidence of his behaviour during the marriage and now. Get a good solicitor move forward - you deserve to be happy and not treated like shit!

Sounds like you left to make some kind of point and he hasn't reacted the way you wanted.
Don't play games OP. If it was bad enough for you to leave, why expose your children to that kind of unhealthy 'normal'? Going back because it's somehow 'easier' for you is not doing anyone any favours

This 100%

Do not go back in fact it would probably be 10x worse ! He is blaming u because u left him ! He only cares about himself he literally can’t or won’t accept that what he has done to you is wrong !! And this fact is pretty scary !!
This is not what I would want keeping a family together

This only confirms why you left. Don’t go back.

You don't need to trust her again now you're separated.

Well more fool you for even thinking that is a possibility. If it took you a year to plan getting out of the marriage then to even contemplate returning is handing your ex a stick to beat you with ( metaphorically) for the rest of your life.

Are you serious? I think you might actually be serious.

He won't say what you need to do because it'll be anything and everything he can think of. This will be a never ending list of 'improvements' that will have you dancing around like a clown.

This is not to repair your relationship, this won't be constructive criticism. It is punishment for daring to plot and execute your escape. Punishment for having the balls and strength to do this. For your endurance over that year and the skilled façade you presented that he never saw through. Add to that the utter humiliation of being blind sided by you.

If you go back you will probably never get out again. He underestimated you and now he'll watch you like a hawk. In order to stop you doing this again he'll want your banking passwords, access to your phone/emails, maybe a tracker in your phone or car. Forget seeing any friends/family who knew your plans. They might help you again, so they'll have to go. Any perceived (or made up) slight will be 'corrected' with more restrictions, gaslighting or reminders about how you've lied before. He will NEVER drop this, ever. This is a weapon that he will use against you for the rest of time.

Expect your world to shrink dramatically. Is this really better than your life now?

It will get easier without him. You'll settle into a routine. You just need to find your feet. Seek support from family, friends, a therapist, anyone other than him.

Right now you don't see what a monumental achievement getting away from this cunt was. This marriage will never be what you want or need it to be. In fact I'm certain it will get a whole lot worse.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you are being an idiot to even consider this.

If you go back he will:
Carry on accusing you of destroying the marriage,
carry on all his abusive behaviour,
carry on traumatising the children ,
You will never get a break because you will be living with him.
Being on your own is hard but being on your own with your abuser is worse.