How can I ever trust my wife again?

[FogCatcher]

My wife planned for a year to leave me in secret, she told me our marriage is over and moved out months later. How can I ever forgive her? She said she left due to name calling and me treating her badly. I admit I treated her badly but how can I ever trust her again?

She’s ruined everything, she’s destroyed all our lives! She also mentioned other stuff that I apparently said to her - very bad things - she’s lying! She’s a dangerous person! She wants to ruin me!

I’ll never forget that terrible email from universal credit saying that my wife had told them she was now single. How could she do that to me? How can I ever trust her again?

*This is a reverse post from my husband’s POV.

That’s what would worry me.

Don't do it.

Your family is already broken (due to his past behaviour) and your children's mental and emotional health depend on you protecting them from the worst of his behaviour. You do that by being a role model and refusing to be in a toxic relationship.

Never, ever, return to a toxic, abusive relationship. Especially when children are involved.

As much as I do believe can get through things and get back together to sometimes even better relationships, I’m confused why you’re even contemplating it?

He has shown no remorse, accountability, desire to change or steps towards understanding each other. If you go back he’ll just think he’s right and keep doing whatever he was doing before.

I feel angry that he’s painted himself as the victim and me as the villain. He puts on a poor Dad act for our kids which is hard to stomach. I just want him to show some remorse for how he treated me but I doubt that will happen.

Please tell me you're not the poster whose son doesn't want to stay over with her. You kind of seem like that one, and your posts are getting old.

This ^
You left because he was nasty. He takes no responsibility and blames it all on you. That’s no basis for getting back together, so who cares if he doesn’t trust you? If he’s making things hard apart it will be 10 times worse when together. Either block him and only speak when necessary or go to mediation to find a way forward. It sounds like you’ve done the right thing and it might help to work on your self esteem which can take a massive hit in abusive/toxic relationships

But you would say that, wouldn't you?

Do not go back. He won’t change. Grey rock now until he’s bored, go to court get a CAO in place so he has no control.

I imagine if you go back he will be expecting you to grovel, admit your guilt (despite doing nothing wrong) and I wouldn't be shocked if he becomes controlling.... Because after all how van he trust you anymore, so you'd soon have to share your location on your phone, give him.access to your accounts etc because he's decided he can't take you at your word
You're going to end up miserable if you go back and that will impact on your children

Do him a favour and tell him its a moot point, as reconciliation won't be happening.

Nothing more to say, except try and coparent well and keep the kids as a priority.

My ExH blamed me for us leaving even though I literally called the police because he hit our DD.

none so blind as those that will not see

Why would you want to get back together? You’ve left him.

Excellent analogy!

why would you? based on this he seems deranged and verbally aggressive.

FFS in the nicest possible way this is waffle and OP you split up so what does it matter what you /he said /says?

What’s a CAO?

I don’t get your post at all OP. Why would your exDH need to trust you or forgive you? You’re no longer in a relationship so you both need to learn to move on and stop caring so much about what the other thinks or does.

Not lying. These are very real things that he said to me not long after I had our first child. I remember being scared and shocked, I wrote it down in an email to myself.

Don’t go back, it sounds like hell in that marriage. The coparenting stuff will work itself out eventually.

Not everyone knows what this means, the OP certainly doesn't.

Don't be a fool. Why would you willingly go back to an abusive man? Do you really think that's a healthy environment for DC?

OP, he isn’t obliged to show remorse. He probably never will. Especially not if you get back together with him.

The fact that are you are even thinking about getting back together with this man is utterly fucked up. You don’t love each other. You don’t even like each other. He treated you like shit. Your children will be completely messed up if you get back together, and to be honest, it’s quite clear that you are only thinking about it because you want to prove a point to him that you’re worthy.

This is a horrible toxic mess and you need to stop giving a shit about his approval. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you. You cannot change what goes on in his head and you need to stop devoting this amount of time and energy on him and what he thinks and does.

How about you add what you’re actually trying to say rather than stupid game playing reverse psychology…

Actually, maybe that’s what your husband has been living with….

A male perspective; there is a 1% chance he really believes what he says and a 99% chance he is deliberately attempting to intimidate and coerce you. It may be hard being separate and co-parenting, but it will be infinitely worse for you and child(ren) to get back together. Don't do it. Get advice as others have said.

Please remember why you left. Things will settle and it will be all of your new normal eventually.