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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think maybe my NDN is a murderer?

462 replies

notanoccultexpert · 07/10/2025 10:38

Ok, I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, but at the same time, not miss any details out. Lived in our house for 30years - about 16 years ago, a family moved in next door. Mother, Father, 2 sons and 2 daughters (who all appeared to be in their mid-late 30s). 2 daughters drove and worked, 2 sons don't drive and have never worked.

Due to his future behaviour, we nicknamed one of the brothers 'Hulk' (he's also quite stocky), so to make things simple here, we have Hulk and 'Gentle' (his brother).

Incidents when my kids were young:

  1. Hulk told me he was keeping a log of when my children made noise in the house
  2. Hulk splashed bleach on my ex's car when he parked outside their house for literally a minute whilst picking the kids up
  3. Hulk shouted at my young son for knocking to ask for his football, and when I saw him and Gentle next, I had a go at him for it. Gentle was 'holding' his brother back, like he would attack me.

My other neighbours don't like them, THEIR neighbours don't like them.

Over the years though, I got in the habit of saying hello and it became friendly enough. Time passed and the father died, then the mother died, one of the sisters died. I knew all this because they either told me, or, in the case of the sister, they had a big funeral procession, the hearse was parked outside the house for a while, and Gentle told me she died from kidney disease.

ALL through this time, I only EVER saw Hulk out in the garden with Gentle, gardening. Only ever saw Gentle and his sister go to shops, or laundromat. Literally the only time I would see Hulk is if he was with his brother out in the front garden, or gardening in the back garden. None of them go out a lot, but if one of them was walking down the street, it would only ever be Gentle.

Last year my daughter and her partner had a bit of a parking dispute with our other neighbours. They are nice but a bit fussy, and they always asked my daughters partner to move his car when he came over...he never parked outside their house, but they felt like they needed 'more space' for their daughters car. So he would move it, out of courtesy. Until one day he didn't, which resulted in their daughter 'having' to park outside Hulks house (she really didn't need to, plenty of space outside her parents house) - so an argument between them two occurred. A few weeks later, Hulk had asked us about the back yard fence, and we noticed some vines coming through from his side. He denied it, so I opened my back gate to show him. My daughter was also there, as was his sister, and he was stood about a foot away from me (I couldn't back up cos our cat run was behind me). Because he kept rambling, i eventually said, anyway, I've got to get on...and he literally just stood and stared at me, no expression for about 5 seconds....after about the 5th 'I've really got to go', i managed to end the convo and get him the hell out of my yard. Me and my daughter were really weirded out by the way he just stared and ignored me.

But, during this convo, he kept bringing it round to the parking dispute - telling my daughter re our other neighbours 'don't let them dominate you' - not kidding he kept coming back to it, and he must have said this about 6 times...so weird. I mention this because his language was so strange...it was a parking dispute and a small one at that.

So after this strangeness, I realised I hadn't seen Gentle for a very long time. And once I realised it, I started noticing that now only Hulk was doing gardening, and it was only Hulk who went to shops with his sister (they ALWAYS go out together).

And then we (my kids and me) started talking about their back garden. It's not a huge garden, but they already had two sheds side by side at the back. The rest was really lovely flowers. Until Hulk razed the flowers, concreted over and put a massive shed on it. If you look into their garden from our bedroom window, that shed takes up about 70% of the space, then the two sheds at the back as well. There's literally no garden space left, so what he's keeping IN the sheds, no idea.

But where is Gentle? Shed went up after Gentle 'disappeared' because he wasn't helping like he usually would have. I liked Gentle. He would even knock on the door if he needed help with council or anything. I find his brother weird. Now you'd think if Gentle had fallen ill, Hulk would have mentioned it to me during that conversation. The family dynamic is very strange anyway, but I can't stop thinking about what happened to Gentle.

So, what do you think? My kids were saying maybe call the police - but what would I say?

YABU - probably just ill or died
YANBU - he's definitely killed his brother

OP posts:
Dery · 08/10/2025 21:59

My elderly dad’s lovely NDNs saved his life by raising the alarm when he stopped following his usual routine.

@notanoccultexpert - it’s good that you’re keeping an eye and i’m glad you’ve asked the police to make a welfare check.

TootToot2020 · 08/10/2025 22:13

notanoccultexpert · 08/10/2025 10:44

No updates as of yet, but just wanted to point out something...I have never said they had learning difficulties or that they were ND. Someone seems to have mentioned it at some point, and now I think it's being taken as a given.

Based on my interactions with them, I have never thought they have learning difficulties. The sisters worked and drive cars. Since being here, they have had their front garden repaved, pillars put up near their front door, roof done, back yard concreted (did that himself), sheds built....there's nothing to suggest they have issues in that sense.

Also, to the people who are accusing me of not having a life - 16 years they have been here. I would argue that if you work from home, in front of the window, it would be strange NOT to notice certain routines of the people around your house.

And to the people who have called me judgemental - stop acting like you don't judge people...everyone does, it's literally how we assess threats, etc.

Also, Strange/weird isn't synonymous with 'bad/evil' - but some people are weird/strange. I think I'm pretty weird tbh :/

I read this whole thread last night as your neuro diverse neighbour (NDN) 😱 not NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR!!!!!!

Beachtastic · 08/10/2025 22:18

Londonrach1 · 08/10/2025 21:57

Get police to do a welfare check

Cancel the cheque / check!!!

MoodyMargaret11 · 08/10/2025 22:53

TootToot2020 · 08/10/2025 22:13

I read this whole thread last night as your neuro diverse neighbour (NDN) 😱 not NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR!!!!!!

It's not "next door neighbour", NDN stands for Not Dear Neighbour 🤣 easily confused though.
Any ND on mumsnet usually means 'not dear-' someone.

Greeniemean · 08/10/2025 22:56

Is it? I use NDN as shorthand for next door neighbour!

Eta: I just had a wee look at posts on this thread and I think many others use it to mean next door neighbour too

My elderly dad’s lovely NDNs saved his life by raising the alarm when he stopped following his usual routine.

I assume this is being used here as “next door neighbour” by @Dery ?

I try not to use all these acronyms too much actually because clearly as this thread has shown it can confusion 😂

MoodyMargaret11 · 08/10/2025 23:14

Greeniemean · 08/10/2025 22:56

Is it? I use NDN as shorthand for next door neighbour!

Eta: I just had a wee look at posts on this thread and I think many others use it to mean next door neighbour too

My elderly dad’s lovely NDNs saved his life by raising the alarm when he stopped following his usual routine.

I assume this is being used here as “next door neighbour” by @Dery ?

I try not to use all these acronyms too much actually because clearly as this thread has shown it can confusion 😂

Edited

Ok thanks for sharing. Maybe I've been reading them wrongly all this time!
I think most threads I've seen about NDNs have been about 'bad' neighbours so made sense.

MsDitsy · 09/10/2025 00:34

notanoccultexpert · 08/10/2025 17:02

They are not 'vulnerable', especially not the remaining brother. Nobody was 'staring in the distance', don't know where you got that from. His silence wasn't seizures.

But please, do carry on making shit up.

I'd also like you to tell me where I was unkind?

Was it pointing out that he splashed bleach on a car? Argued with the woman next door? Made me feel super uncomfortable while talking about dominating people? Shouting at my young son? His brother having to 'hold him back' whhile I was talking to him?

Or was it the bit where I talked of how I was worried about his brother?

Which particular bit was unkind?

Please, do tell me...also, I've addressed the 'judgemental' thing....EVERYONE judges people. If you claim not to do so, you're a liar. I judged, pretty early on, this was not a man I felt comfortable with.

Honestly, there was absolutely nothing wrong with what you wrote or how you wrote it. I didn't read it as flippant and thought Gentle and Hulk were perfectly descriptive, helped me picture them to a tee! It's more that some people missed comprehension day at school or like to be deliberately argumentative. Maybe they just don't care enough about their neighbours (oops, that's probably me, I don't even know if I have neighbours). Please do update if and when you can, I'm quite worried about Gentle myself now.

Daygloboo · 09/10/2025 00:39

Yourlifeinyourhands · 08/10/2025 20:43

I assume you haven’t heard anything?

Where is the post about the other person who was worried about her neighbour? Curtains closed etc?! Didn’t ever see an update…

The other post, I think they came back from holiday

WeeGeeBored · 09/10/2025 00:57

Newsenmum · 08/10/2025 19:17

I’ve also worked in mental health and totally agree with you there. Very important to trusr your gut.

And yet many murderers - especially of women/ can’t initially be detected because they just seem like normal loving husbands or partners.

Naanspiration · 09/10/2025 02:26

notanoccultexpert · 07/10/2025 10:53

Does anyone know what the police would do? If anything?

They'd do a door knock welfare check.

Naanspiration · 09/10/2025 02:44

There won't be any more replies from OP.

Hulk dealt with her.

user1492757084 · 09/10/2025 03:00

Well done, Op, for reporting your concerns to the Police.
That is all you can do.

TakeMyAdvice · 09/10/2025 07:51

I worked in social care, involved in going into peoples homes, assessing and working with families.
This family seem quite typical of the kind I would meet.
They are isolated( by choice) ,from society for whatever reason; they are more comfortable just being with each other,that's their norm.
Their behaviour seems odd to others.
Most likely gentle is unable to get out any more, either through heslth or disability.
The sheds ,in my guess, are likely to hold all of the overspill clutter they have hoarded over the years in the house.
Wouldn t do any harm to reffer to social services for a welfare check.
These people are unlikely to recognise they need help,let alone ask for it.

WeeGeeBored · 09/10/2025 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Strongstuff · 09/10/2025 07:59

TakeMyAdvice · 09/10/2025 07:51

I worked in social care, involved in going into peoples homes, assessing and working with families.
This family seem quite typical of the kind I would meet.
They are isolated( by choice) ,from society for whatever reason; they are more comfortable just being with each other,that's their norm.
Their behaviour seems odd to others.
Most likely gentle is unable to get out any more, either through heslth or disability.
The sheds ,in my guess, are likely to hold all of the overspill clutter they have hoarded over the years in the house.
Wouldn t do any harm to reffer to social services for a welfare check.
These people are unlikely to recognise they need help,let alone ask for it.

I agree. The OP has requested a welfare check, nothing else. If all is well there is no harm done. It's not like she's spreading wild rumours and starting a hate campaign in her neighbourhood. This man had to be "held back" by his brother over a minor parking incident with a neighbour. If he is a violent man, then her actions may lead to support for the remaining members of family.

PlanetMa · 09/10/2025 09:48

Smidge001 · 08/10/2025 11:55

I wonder if some people have incorrectly thought the ND in your title meant neuro diverse instead of Next-door .

I'm with you OP - you never once said or suggested anyone in the family had any learning difficulties.

Neurodiversity does not imply learning difficulties!

Alwaysalert · 09/10/2025 12:35

Different scenario. OP was correct to have concerns and report them. Also you do not have to be a writer, to be nosey, weird or any other negative, to have suspicions/concerns about what may be happening/have happend in a next door property. A lot of people are creatures of habits and if those habits suddenly change, there is nothing wrong in wondering if anything has happened. If someone you normally see suddenly is no longer present and you have not seen them for some time, nor seen them getting into a taxi with a suitcase, nor seen an Ambulance arrive and depart with them of course you may wonder what has happened. If the other brother seemed approachable to you, then you may well ask after the other brother, but if you are wary of them then it is perfectly reasonable to be reticent in asking about the "missing/unseen brother for some time". I would rather have a caring neighbour than the ones I have as I could be laid dead in here with my cats and dogs and they would not notice. Keep on caring OP.

Alwaysalert · 09/10/2025 13:18

@notanoccultexpert ignore all the negative and frankly sometimes weird comments to you. There are some Posters on here that I can only thank God that I do not live near to or at least not know that I do live near to. Some of their responses to your post(s) are off the scale and don't stop caring because of them.

GustavMunchkin · 09/10/2025 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ok so the family aren’t vulnerable but the characterisation of this man OP calls Hulk is being compared to a man with significant learning & developmental disabilities.
And this is ok??

Alwaysalert · 09/10/2025 14:04

Hi @GustavMunchkin , I would ask @WeeGeeBored as he is the one drawing images in his head of someone's son who is a vulnerable adult and should not be used as a comparison for his posts.

SorcererGaheris · 09/10/2025 14:27

GustavMunchkin · 09/10/2025 13:38

Ok so the family aren’t vulnerable but the characterisation of this man OP calls Hulk is being compared to a man with significant learning & developmental disabilities.
And this is ok??

@GustavMunchkin

It's not okay, but the person to take that up with is @WeeGeeBored.

It's not the OP's fault that other people are making comparisons/jumping to conclusions, ESPECIALLY since she has now clarified at least a couple of times that she does not consider the family to have any disabilities.

GentleJadeOP · 09/10/2025 14:43

MoodyMargaret11 · 08/10/2025 23:14

Ok thanks for sharing. Maybe I've been reading them wrongly all this time!
I think most threads I've seen about NDNs have been about 'bad' neighbours so made sense.

I’m certain it’s next door neighbour too

VenusClapTrap · 09/10/2025 16:25

I think you’ve done the right thing op.

When I was a child our NDN died and was in the house for a long time before being discovered. Her and her DH had always been reclusive and unpleasant to everyone, so nobody noticed or cared when they hadn’t seen her for a long time. Her DH had always been horrible to us kids, and we were scared of him. We rarely saw her. After he died, I think she just locked herself in and faded away. I think it was the milkman or postman who noticed in the end. Very sad really.

GustavMunchkin · 09/10/2025 17:37

I thought I had but just seen it’s been deleted.

WeeGeeBored · 09/10/2025 17:49

SorcererGaheris · 09/10/2025 14:27

@GustavMunchkin

It's not okay, but the person to take that up with is @WeeGeeBored.

It's not the OP's fault that other people are making comparisons/jumping to conclusions, ESPECIALLY since she has now clarified at least a couple of times that she does not consider the family to have any disabilities.

My bad. I own it. It was a throwaway remark that wasn’t thought through. You don’t all need to know every thing that crosses my mind. Apologies for any offence.