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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finally admitting a lie!

81 replies

EJMOM14 · 06/10/2025 08:07

My children play with all their cousins, around 6 months ago we was at my sisters house and there was an incident by which her garden furniture was all scratched - it looked like it had been scored with something. This turned into a large event by which all the kids had been called inside, including my 3, and questioned who scratched the new furniture, every child said it wasn’t them.
we always have little things breaking when the kids get together but this furniture scratch was really bad.
it then caused a big family argument my sister said her kids said it was one of my kids, my other sister said her kids would definitely not do that etc.
so when we got home i questioned my kids individually and asked them to tell the truth if it was them they both said no.
I asked my sister again if she knew who it was she said no, a few weeks after its got a little bit awkward now we have stopped getting together and seeing each other - i asked my sister if she was free one weekend she said no but when i spoke to my other sister she said she had been round hers
This made me think she thought it was my kids so we all fell out there was a big argument
we have not spoke in ages
she since had her furniture replaced as the scratches were really bad .

Fast forward to now 6 months on, i was speaking to my DS about lying as one of the kids at school had lied and got in trouble, he said he don’t want to lie and i said to him he can’t lie to me i am his mom no matter what
he then said mom can i tell you
something but please don’t tell anyone i said yes he said it was me i scratched aunties furniture i found a small
stick thing and i was drawing patterns.

I am absolutely mortified, i thanked him for being honest and explained how wrong that was but i also explained you cannot lie about these things and he should always tell me the truth,
he has now begged me not to tell my DH or my sister.
what do i do, do i leave it and let it settle for a while or do i admit it was one of my kids?

OP posts:

MumChp · 06/10/2025 08:09

You let your sister know. I would offer to pay for the new furniture.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 06/10/2025 08:12

Your sister already thinks it was one of your kids, possibly she actually knows based on what one of the other has said?

You have to now be honest with her, see her face to face and just tell her that you have just found out what has happened.

ShesTheAlbatross · 06/10/2025 08:12

Out of interest, did your sisters blame your children because they are generally quite destructive of other people’s things? Or did they blame them because they are a bit “my children can do no wrong” so would have blamed any other child in the house regardless of that child’s history?

newworki · 06/10/2025 08:13

You haven’t said how old he is, but he doesn’t get to call the shots here and decide you can’t tell anyone. I think the best way is always ‘you can tell me anything’ but with an understanding that does not remove consequences. I feel for kids in this situation, I would have owned up as a child but was accused of similar and the host kids who did it lied through their teeth. It’s horrible for everyone and you need to make it known so the doubt is no longer cast on them all. Obviously offer to replace or pay for damage.

Peoplepleaserincrisis · 06/10/2025 08:17

Yep, agree with PP that you can decide your own reaction/response to this but cannot promise NO consequences. I'd be contacting my sister and offering the money for the patio furniture and (depending on age of son) he would pay a portion of any pocket money towards that going ahead. It"s great he was honest but equally learning to wait until the heat dies down, confessing and then insisting there be no consequences isn't a helpful or realistic lesson.

Bobiverse · 06/10/2025 08:19

Her kids obviously saw him and told her it was your kids doing it. Your kids said it wasn’t them and you backed them up… so you essentially called her kids liars. Now you know they didn’t lie, yours did. You’ve fallen out with your sister over, and your kids have lost out on playing with cousins. I don’t think it’s because of the scratches; I thinks it’s because you called her kids liars. So you actually can fix it.

You apologise for not getting the truth earlier, but that your child lied to you and you didn’t know. You apologise for calling her kids liars and you get your son to sincerely apologise to his aunt, and find a way to make it right with a gesture or something.

You need to teach your kid about honesty, apologies and consequences.

I’d be talking to my sister first and ask that she doesn’t give him “into trouble” because you don’t want to punish honesty and instead you give consequences, so he has a punishment but isn’t left with the fear of being yelled at and horrible disciplined for being honest.

NautilusLionfish · 06/10/2025 08:19

One of the mistake was calling the kids together and asking. When kids have done something wrong there are ways to ask them based on age to reduce chances of lying. They need to feel safe not threatened. Tell your sis and if you can afford it offer to pay for a replacement. At the same time appalled by how this was escalated. Ultimately it's just furniture. The damage to something so replaceable has been allowed to damage something irreplaceable. I hope your relationships as sisters will heal and that the cousins, your children will not be affected by this.

MayaPinion · 06/10/2025 08:24

You admit it - or better still, your son should admit it and apologise, and you should pay for the replacement furniture and get him to pay you back - through chores if need be. His has caused damage and then lied about it, leading directly to a breakdown in your family relationships and he needs to understand the consequences of his actions. He does not get to call the shots over who you tell and don’t tell.

Goodadvice1980 · 06/10/2025 08:57

Wow, your ds has shown an unpleasant side to his nature. Have his actions led to any younger siblings not spending time with their cousins?

The replacement patio set needs to be paid for by you and your ds and a big bunch of flowers for your dsis as well. He needs to apologise to her too.

I’m wondering if your ds has form for things getting broken and the damaged patio set was the final straw for your sisters. You need to fix this with your sister, if not it could cause a long-lasting rift.

Hankunamatata · 06/10/2025 09:02

You give her the money for the new furniture and grovel

Eenameenadeeka · 06/10/2025 09:30

I'd be honest and try and repair the relationship with your sister, and include him n that, trying to mend the damage relationship he caused and pay for the replacement

GAJLY · 06/10/2025 09:35

Now you know the truth you should ring her to apologise and offer to pay for the replacement furniture. It's the only way forward as your relationship is dead right now. Your sister already knows it was your son because her kids saw it and told her. Keeping quiet won't do you any favours at all. Your sister doesn't trust you or your children as you didn't listen when she confirmed her child witnessed it. Repair your relationship with your sister and pay for the new furniture. Praise your son for telling the truth and teach him about respecting property. I'd even explain that you've had to pay for the new furniture. But don't shout and be horrible to him as he'll never tell the truth again. Perhaps ask if he'll give up pocket money to help pay for it? So he has a consequence.

2chocolateoranges · 06/10/2025 09:38

I’d explain to my child that there are some things that you just can’t keep a secret and that he has to apologise to his aunt.

id be apologising to my sister and would give her the money for the new furniture,

TheatricalLife · 06/10/2025 09:56

I'd call my sister, explain and pay for the furniture replacement. It's a massive shame it has caused such a divide. Hopefully your honesty (now you are aware of the truth) will help repair the relationship. I'd tell DS that you have to tell auntie, and maybe write an apology card or letter?

socks1107 · 06/10/2025 10:05

Kids do lie especially when they think they are in trouble. However a natural consequence is now that others have to be told and he needs to see that lies can’t just be brushed under the carpet.
tell your sister, pay for the furniture and make sure that your child knows how serious lying can be. Also be honest about their general behaviour- are they destructive and break things

Kimura · 06/10/2025 10:22

I'd be marching little man round there to apologise to his cousins and auntie.

How old is he? Can he mow their lawn or do some silly chores to 'make up for it'? Obviously you'll pay for the furniture, but the apology and doing something for them will be a good lesson in accountability and consequences.

Absolutely do not brush this under the rug. It will come out in the end and it'll be worse if it looks like you knew all along.

Dishwater · 06/10/2025 10:24

One of the other kids probably saw yours do it. I would own up, apologise on their behalf and offer to make a financial contribution. I wouldn’t want to make friends with her though, what a ridiculous thing to fall out about!

Jellybunny56 · 06/10/2025 10:26

You don’t keep his secret, if nothing else you absolutely owe your sister for the replaced furniture so you will need to come clean and send her the money.

ComfortFoodCafe · 06/10/2025 10:28

Of course you admit it and then you offer to replace it.

Flipitnreverseit · 06/10/2025 10:30

Your DS has been really good for coming forward. Holding onto a lie is really stressful so fair play to him.

Dsis is an adult, and has children of her own. You should be able to explain that DS was the furniture-scratcher and he came to you in confidence to admit it was him. You’re proud of him for doing so and you apologise that it’s taken this long to get answers. Explain to DS that Dsis needs to know, but she isn’t cross, and take him to apologise. Then sort out between you and Dsis whether you’ll be replacing the furniture.

3luckystars · 06/10/2025 10:35

I can’t believe your sister would fall out with you over an item of furniture.

If it was me I would call her and say that one of your children had owned up, you genuinely did not know and will pay for the replacement.

I would not even care if one of my sisters children set fire to my garden furniture and I certainly wouldn’t cut her off for it.

TheBlueUser · 06/10/2025 10:35

I would ring my sister and tell her you DS has just admitted to scratching the furniture, then apologise.

Tell your DS you cannot keep this a secret, because that would mean you would need to lie, and as you've already explained, it's not good to lie. I would make him do an apology card for your sister and take him round to deliver it. Don't just leave it and give him no consequences.

Next time, you need to ask all the kids individually what happened, no one is going to admit it in front of everyone. Your DS probably felt scared, lied, and then didn't know how to come clean. Tell him next time if that happens again and he lies when under pressure, he needs to come clean and tell you or another adult straight away.

ObsidianTree · 06/10/2025 10:38

Well if you want to repair the relationship you tell you sister that your son admitted it was him. You pay for the furniture replacement. You get your son to own up to his aunt and he has to do chores for her and yourself to repay the cost of the furniture. He probably didn't mean to damage the furniture but he should have owned up and definitely should know never to do something so stupid again.

Others have said there has to be consequences. I would say there already is a consequence. Your children have been excluded from family get togethers due to the actions of one of your kids. I feel he should be made aware of this as a learning thing and a reason not to lie. I'm sure he wants to be able to see his cousin again. He's showing that he can't be trusted so your sister rightly doesn't want him in her home. I am assuming she knows it was one of your kids. Shame she didn't admit she knew it was your kid so you could have dealt with it sooner. I wouldn't promise him no consequences. Use the being excluded from get togethers as a result of what he did, so he has to own up to try and fix the issues he's caused.

CharlieKirkRIP · 06/10/2025 10:39

Don’t let his tears manipulate you in covering for him.

I would pay your sister the money she has spent in replacing he furniture and get your son to write a letter of apology. It wasn’t malicious damage but it was vandalism and I’m sure he wouldn’t have drawn patterns on your furniture at home so he is capable of knowing right from wrong.

Actions have consequences.

Rustymoo · 06/10/2025 10:39

I’d thank your child for being honest and owning up. I’d tell him though that he needs to apologise to his aunt and I’d offer to pay for the furniture.

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