Finally admitting a lie!

[EJMOM14]

My children play with all their cousins, around 6 months ago we was at my sisters house and there was an incident by which her garden furniture was all scratched - it looked like it had been scored with something. This turned into a large event by which all the kids had been called inside, including my 3, and questioned who scratched the new furniture, every child said it wasn’t them.
we always have little things breaking when the kids get together but this furniture scratch was really bad.
it then caused a big family argument my sister said her kids said it was one of my kids, my other sister said her kids would definitely not do that etc.
so when we got home i questioned my kids individually and asked them to tell the truth if it was them they both said no.
I asked my sister again if she knew who it was she said no, a few weeks after its got a little bit awkward now we have stopped getting together and seeing each other - i asked my sister if she was free one weekend she said no but when i spoke to my other sister she said she had been round hers
This made me think she thought it was my kids so we all fell out there was a big argument
we have not spoke in ages
she since had her furniture replaced as the scratches were really bad .

Fast forward to now 6 months on, i was speaking to my DS about lying as one of the kids at school had lied and got in trouble, he said he don’t want to lie and i said to him he can’t lie to me i am his mom no matter what
he then said mom can i tell you
something but please don’t tell anyone i said yes he said it was me i scratched aunties furniture i found a small
stick thing and i was drawing patterns.

I am absolutely mortified, i thanked him for being honest and explained how wrong that was but i also explained you cannot lie about these things and he should always tell me the truth,
he has now begged me not to tell my DH or my sister.
what do i do, do i leave it and let it settle for a while or do i admit it was one of my kids?

How I would deal with this depends entirely on the age of the child! But yes your sister needs to know and apologies need to be made.

Has he done the right thing though? Confessing 6 months down the line after repeatedly lying, and even then only confessing on the condition that the person he actually wronged never finds out? I wouldn’t call that “doing the right thing”.

Why would you not want to make things right with your sister, it is not a ridiculous thing to fall out about. Garden furniture can be really expensive, I paid over £1,000 for mine. I would be offering to pay for all the damage done not just a contribution!

You should tell your sister and ask her to be compassionate about it. Presumably there has been some kind of punishment

He is a child. What is more important than having your child always behave perfectly is for kids to learn how to behave and why.

Of course, his behaviour isn't perfect. He shouldn't have damaged / destroyed the furniture and he shouldn't have lied about it. I don't think anyone is disputing that.

What's important now (in my opinion) is to be fair to your sister (and to show your kids that you are fair) and to use this opportunity to teach your son that

1. You love him, always will and will always be there for him even if he makes mistakes
2. Actions have consequences

3 it's better to be honest and face the consequences than it is to lie

So the sister has to be apologised for and compensated fully but also the consequence to op's son has to be reasonable otherwise he will just learn to keep quiet next time.

I ask your son to write a letter explaining and apologising, and put the money for the furniture in the envelope too. Feel sorry for him and the other cousins who can't play together anymore.

Your poor son has carried this for months and months because he was so terrified of admitting the truth.
Time to reassess your methods - all of you. The kids should be been reassured that if they owned up and were honest, they would have been handled with kindness. Your son felt backed into a corner as he knew what would await him if he had owned up at the time.
Shame on you as adults.

That’s why I said “eventually”.

Of course I’m not suggesting that lying for six months before confessing is the right thing in itself. But unless the OP is Lorraine McFly, her son doesn’t have a time machine. He can’t do what was the right thing six months ago now. He can only act based on the situation as it is.

His options were to fess up or keep on lying. In this scenario, option one was the right thing. You can’t ask him to do something impossible.

I would make him tell your sister and apologise for lying both to her and yourself. You need to tell him he should be responsible for his actions and actions have consequences.

I disagree that she should pay to replace the furniture, unless it was brand new? I think I would call her, explain what happened and apologise and offer some money towards it. But household furniture gets damaged. You shouldn’t have to entirely pay the cost for brand new. I honestly don’t believe many people would actually do that.

OP says that the discussion was about who scratched the "new" furniture so I'd assume it was at least a fairly recent purchase.

What’s being brand new got to do with it? It’s the condition that matters.
Was it kept in really good condition, until her kid vandalised it?

I have very few pieces of brand new furniture. It’s all old/antique/inherited. Depends on your family I guess but a lot of families still do inherited. But it is well looked after, taken care of and maintained. If someone’s child got a sharp stick of something and decided to carve designs into my furniture then you bet they’d be paying to respite or replace to the same standard that it was. If you said, “well, it’s old anyway” I would not be impressed.

Her kid completely vandalised furniture as lied about. OP needs to cover the cost.

I’m struggling to see how scratching garden furniture with a stick would mean you would replace it all. Seems like an over reaction.
regardless your son did lie, but he was probably scared and put on the spot. Most kids lie.

I would just speak to your sister, explain your son had confessed and apologise.

I would ask to see your aister in lerson and say you found out that it was your child.
I think allowing him to cover it up for longer isnt a good lesson.
He should write an apology note.
You should offer to pay for the furniture.
I reckon the fall out is becuase the other kids did see him doing it as they said and it had blown out of proportion.
Don't let your son keep this secret. He could offer to make things right. You have to let him own up to his mistake.

Another vote for call sister (cap in hand). Kids are little shits aren’t they! I’d make him apologise to his aunt, accountability is important at all ages.

I'd be wondering why he felt so scared to be honest at the time. Do you/ your sister shout a lot of dish out harsh punishments? It seems a mistake , he maybe didn't realize the drawing would do permanent damage?
To resolve it id maybe ask him to write a letter ,if he's able to and you scribe if he isn't, explaining the mistake, apologizing both for the damage but also the time taken to be honest. In the letter he should offer to pay or do chores to compensate. He can deliver it to your sister but you can prep her to know he's doing that and ask she , and others, go easy on him.

I agree your son needs to apologise or this is going to end up destroying family relationships.

My sister was very destructive as a child but my mum refused to believe it was her as she’d lie and blame it on everyone else. My mum must have known deep down as my sister was always present when something got damaged despite it happening in different households.

My mum lost a few relationships by insisting it wasn’t her child and never offering to make it right or pay for damage, my sister kept doing it as she got away with it.

We went to a close family friends and my sister was around 11, she put the plug in the bathroom sink and bath, poured bottles of shampoo in and left the taps running. The sink overflowed and caused a lot of damage, but my sister insisted it was the family friend’s kids.

My mum insisted she believed my sister and we weren’t invited to many places after that, I missed out on seeing a lot of friends and cousins.

I think if my mum had got my sister to apologise and pay for repairs on at least one of these occasions then it might have stopped her going on a further path of destruction. She would go absolutely berserk if anyone caused damage in her house now and that’s the ironic thing.
My sisters kids don’t have the same destructive streak but it would have been interesting to see how she handled it if they did, I think natural justice should have been that she had tear away children but they are good as gold and completely the opposite to her.

Hi all,
Thank you for all the responses, I have taken the time to reach each one.
This was my first ever post and a hard one for me to write because this situation has been very upsetting for me.
To clarify a few points:

• my son at the time was 4, he is now 5
• her children didn’t see him do it, they presumed by eliminating others, he is the youngest of all the cousins

Looking back we should have asked them all individually that was a bad call on my behalf, I thought openly asking the children together we would catch on to reactions but i accept that was not appropriate to ask them all together.

Both my sister’s have a tendency to never admit it’s their children, we have had a past incidents for examples when were at my house my sisters child who is 8 smashed a plant pot, when asked what happened she said she was pushed over, thankfully we have blink cameras and saw that she simply was moving it to hide behind the plant pots and it dropped. But in the very beginning my sister said her DD wouldn’t have touched the pot.

I think it’s got to a point where there is 10 children ranging from ages 9 - 5 and it can get quite hectic/ boisterous and it becomes a blame game for children.

The garden furniture was made into a big deal from us adults, which i accept, but ultimately no one did see my DS do it but they all said he was the only one who last behind the sofas in the garden. But again when questioned, he said no.

It was not necessarily the furniture but i am more annoyed he lied even when we got home and spoke about it in private. He is very sorry.

I am going to go round to my sisters with my DS to apologise but also to offer money for it, but I also want both my sisters to come to an understanding that there have been other incidents where their children have had chances to own up and haven’t (like when things have broken at mine) I could name other incidents such as my other sister DS got a pen and drew on my walls initially blamed my DS who was 2 at the time and then admitted it was him, my sister said they’re only kids and it’s only pen it will wipe off.

I suppose it’s hard to summarise the whole situation in a snippet but I think that the garden furniture was the last straw for us all hence the whole argument. It’s not necessarily that we argued over the furniture but the constant arguments and lies between the children and when anything happens to my stuff it’s fine not a big deal but when ever it’s their stuff it is a big deal.

I think a lot of these posts have given me food for thought, i by no means am a perfect parent, but clearly my DS has gone from telling me everything to lying.

4!!!! Omg.

Your sister completely overreacted, I expect things to get wrecked when children are around. He was only 4 years old. That’s a real pity she cares more about garden furniture than her family.

By all means apologise and pay for the damage but I would feel sorry for her.

I still think your sis overreacted in allowing a replaceable piece of furniture to destroy irreplaceable relationships. And he is 4. The poor guy.

Personally I would not bring up what their kids did. If they have any sense they will remember and hopefully that will make them think twice. Apologise, offer the money, then leave it at that. Also make sure you are supporting your son as this will be scary for him. Let him apologise and then let him leave the room. Put your case briefly, give the money then leave ASAP to focus on your kid. Give him lots of hugs and tell him adults also make mistakes and lie and that this does not make him a bad boy and you love him and are proud of him telling the truth. Lots of hugs and lots of mummy and boy time.

Because that’s my opinion on a forum designed to garner opinions. Would be pretty boring if we all saw life the same way.

Oh my goodness, my earlier response was assuming that your DS was definitely older than 4. That's tiny and definitely a bit more understandable as to why he did it in the first place! I'd definitely hope your sister would be more understanding in forgiving him. I'd still offer to pay but would probably scratch (no pun intended) the making him pay out of any pocket money.

I'm not sure about telling your sister, the incident happened a while ago. Your little boy was just four at the time and the adults involved on this probably made such a fuss that he was too afraid to own up.

How bad was the scratch - garden furniture gets damaged, scratched and marked. How much damage was done that it couldn't be repair ? Honestly, if this had happened in my home, I wouldn't have said anything at all.

I'd be worried that telling your sister now would result in your little boy being 'known' by this incident for ever more. Though you also have your future relationship with your sister to consider here too going forward.

Also your little boy could well have been in emotional distress over this for months now, so you need to consider this too.

Maybe you meet with your sister, explain it was your DS and he's owned up and is sorry and offer to pay for the furniture but don't bring your DS around to apologise.

Yes. complete over reaction for a 4 year old and not surprising that he was too scared to own up during the group questioning by his aunt rather than his own mother.

He has owned up to you, so I wouldn't think of him as a liar.

Actually with that amount of kids running about ... the mums should all have been keeping an eye out if they have form for damaging things.

Four year olds with pens or sticks.. will use them.