Finally admitting a lie!

[EJMOM14]

My children play with all their cousins, around 6 months ago we was at my sisters house and there was an incident by which her garden furniture was all scratched - it looked like it had been scored with something. This turned into a large event by which all the kids had been called inside, including my 3, and questioned who scratched the new furniture, every child said it wasn’t them.
we always have little things breaking when the kids get together but this furniture scratch was really bad.
it then caused a big family argument my sister said her kids said it was one of my kids, my other sister said her kids would definitely not do that etc.
so when we got home i questioned my kids individually and asked them to tell the truth if it was them they both said no.
I asked my sister again if she knew who it was she said no, a few weeks after its got a little bit awkward now we have stopped getting together and seeing each other - i asked my sister if she was free one weekend she said no but when i spoke to my other sister she said she had been round hers
This made me think she thought it was my kids so we all fell out there was a big argument
we have not spoke in ages
she since had her furniture replaced as the scratches were really bad .

Fast forward to now 6 months on, i was speaking to my DS about lying as one of the kids at school had lied and got in trouble, he said he don’t want to lie and i said to him he can’t lie to me i am his mom no matter what
he then said mom can i tell you
something but please don’t tell anyone i said yes he said it was me i scratched aunties furniture i found a small
stick thing and i was drawing patterns.

I am absolutely mortified, i thanked him for being honest and explained how wrong that was but i also explained you cannot lie about these things and he should always tell me the truth,
he has now begged me not to tell my DH or my sister.
what do i do, do i leave it and let it settle for a while or do i admit it was one of my kids?

You have to tell her and pay. Explain he has only just admitted it. It’s caused a big family rift so he has to understand you do need to tell the truth to family as lying can cause big family fall outs, like this.

Some garden furniture can cost thousands.

I think you might well be pretty pissed off if something you had just bought got ruined so much it needed replacing.

I really don’t think she fell out with OP over the furniture, but rather over OP calling her children liars.
The sister’s children saw OP’s kid doing it and told their mum. Sister told OP, and OP didn’t believe it and refused to sort it out. Which is the same as calling her sister’s children liars.

To be honest yourself and your sister made it nearly impossible for the child responsible to tell the truth.

The issue could have been handled so much better by both of you instead of being an enormous it could have been handled as the mistake of a young child.

You need to own up to your part in this, your sister should own up to hers and you owe your sister for the new furniture which your son damaged.

Come clean to your sister asap. Arrange to have her furniture fixed and pay for it. Get your son to admit to it to her and apologise. get your son to contribute to fixing it. Praise your son for being honest and say that next time he should do it sooner.

You basically want to repair your relationship with your sister, teach your son a lesson whilst at the same time encourage honesty going forward.

I’d tell your sister, offer to pay for replacement/repair and yes, I insist your sone write a letter of apology.

I've always explained lying like this the following way: when you do something wrong it’s like a bruise. It hurts and is visible but eventually fades - I’ll likely be a bit cross if you’ve done something wrong or broken something. However, a lie is like a deep cut. It hurts like hell, takes ages to heal and leaves a scar that will remind me that I cannot trust you forever, even if I’ve forgiven you. Ie. Best to come clean about the ‘thing’ you did as I’ll get over it soon enough; but lie to me and our relationship is damaged forever.

You need to tell your sister.

I mean, it sounds like she already knows. Probably one of her own kids saw your son do it. Like others have asked, does he have a bit of form for always being on the scene when something gets broken?

If you stay quiet, he learns that if he flat out denies involvement in the moment, waits for the heat to die down, THEN confesses, that he'll probably get off. There needs to be a consequence.

As for your sister, you need to call her up, explain what your son has said, and apologise with your whole chest. And then immediately bank transfer her the cost of the replacement furniture without being asked. I'm sure you can use Google to work out the approximate amount. Then apologise again.

Yes. I agree. It must have been really hard for your son to be in a line up and told by another adult to confess.. He's done the right thing now and told you, he obviously feels bad about it wanted to but was scared at the time. Children do get scared if another adult is angry and telling them off.

Unfortunately, time has passed and people have fallen out.
I think you probably do have to tell your sister, but I also think that she's behaved badly.
A scratch on furniture is annoying but its not worth wrecking relationships over. You did offer to get together but she turned it down and lied about it and went out with your other sister on that day instead.

I think she is just as responsible for that part.... and I'd be hoping to see some sort of regret for that.

A previous poster said that if you do tell her and offer compensation it has to be on the condition, that she deals with you and accepts that you are dealing with your son, not her. (since you can't really trust her and its a difficult situation as she's not really speaking to you so she's clearly still angry) He's done well to own up, its clear he feels bad about it and He can write a letter of apology as pps have said.

He did wrong by scratching it but it was lies that were the worst thing.

He needs to learn that this is not ok and that is by you showing him that you’re not going to lie and that you’ll tell the truth to your sister.

I do not think he should be punished but he does need to taught to own up to his actions.

We all make mistakes, it’s what we do afterwards that matters.

Apologise to your sister and tell her the truth.
Explain that you were in a difficult situation as your child swore he didn’t do it.
Pay for the table.

You have already fallen out and so this cannot make it any worse.

How old is your son? If he’s old enough to understand the repercussions of the damaged furniture then I’d be bloody furious with him! Especially as presumably, you asked them privately if they knew who’d damaged it and he blatantly lied to you.
You need to apologise to your sister, or better still your son apologises too and you need to pay for the replacement furniture and your DS does extra chores to pay you back. I’d be really disappointed in him.

I would never fall out with my sister over something like this, so I think that was pretty rubbish of her. We all instinctively believe and protect our own kids and frankly so should we, so I don't think that bit is surprising or weird. It's hard to know what to do when she has shown she can be a bit vengeful and unreasonable (some of the pps on here are bloody scary too - saying he's manipulative/has a nasty nature?! He found out that he could draw patterns on something with something else, very normal, then he was scared to admit it, lied and is now frightened- again normal) you absolutely do not want him to regret telling you the truth at all, it's so brave of him to have done that.

I would ask to meet up with her and just be really open about what's happened and that you'll pay the money but also say that you do not want him shamed or scared as you're teaching that owning up was right. If she can't agree to that I wouldn't make him apologise in person. Maybe a letter?

This. He’s a child that made a mistake. Not a murderer.

If you value your relationship with your sister, admit the truth and tell your son to write her and his cousins a sincere letter of apology. Not a text, a letter

So many over the top replies! If it was your child you’d all completely change your tune and be looking for sympathy.

Yes he was really quite deceitful and I’m very certain your sister has seen other incidents around your kids and her not speaking to you was the final straw.

The right thing to do would be to come clean.

Oh bless your little lad! That is great... amazing that he has fessed up. Good parenting.

Errr… he’s only “fessed up” 6 months down the line after lying about it repeatedly, and even now isn’t prepared to take responsibility, not sure how amazing that is!

Nope - I have made my son handwrite letters of apology on 2 occasions and removed all access to tech for 48hrs the first time and a full week the second time. Not for lying, but for something equally significant (in fact worse that scoring a dining table). There was no shouting, just a conversation about the fact that what he did was wrong, how his actions disappointed us but that it was a learning opportunity etc. He was about 7. He never did anything serious enough to warrant that kind of consequence again and has never lied to me.

I welcomed a hug and sympathy from friends when I told them, but the responsibility for disciplining/teaching my child is mine. OP is no doubt mortified - I know I was - but DS needs to understand.

I do kind of agree that "fessing up" when you're promised no consequences and aren't actually telling the person/people you've "wronged" isn't much of a "fessing up".

On the other hand, the whole thing did get blown way out of proportion (only partly his fault for the delayed admission) which I imagine has made him terrified of confessing, so I can understand his reluctance/fear now.

I do agree that the OP needs to tell her sister and offer to pay for the replacement furniture.

Yes, you have to apologise and tell your sister that he’s finally admitted it. He needs to apologise to her, too. You can’t keep that a secret as they already know it was him for one thing, and another, it wouldn’t be a good life lesson for your son.

Very tricky situation.

It is understandable that all the parents involved were naturally inclined to believe their own children, and in the absence actually seeing what happened or a pattern of past behaviour, there is no reason why any one of you would have accepted that their child was at fault in this "he said, she said" situation. Yes, you effectively implied that her children were lying and that isn't good. But she also implied that your child was lying - you were both reacting in the same way based on the same evidence that you had at the time.

Unfortunately, though, it was only your DSis who was left with the consequences, namely a damaged table which she has had to replace herself. Perhaps it would have been better that all the adults involved agreed to share the cost, given the circumstances, although that would have also been difficult knowing that in fact only one child was likely to have been responsible.

Given that you now know your DS was at fault, you obviously need to apologise and insist on paying the cost of the replacement. Hopefully your DSis will recognise the truth of what I said in my first paragraph and you can all move past it.

Op how old is your son? I agree with the others that you do need to tell your sister, apologise and pay for rhe damage but I also feel very sorry for your son. It must have been really scary and stressful for him. And thst interrogation in front of everyone must have been horrible for him.

If he is really contrite and has learnt his lesson to be honest I'd try to sort it out myself with your sister and husband or maybe help him draft an apology or to write an apology letter. It's good he has come clean and I think kids need to learn that if they mess up there might be consequences but you will always have his back and support him.

Surely that’s exactly why the OP should make things up with her sister? Losing your relationship with a sibling over garden furniture is indeed ridiculous - so why continue a row that’s already gone too far? Especially when it turns out the sister was right to be mad?

If nothing else, it would be much better for the OP’s son if she were to make up with her sister. This has been going on for six months, which must feel like an eternity to a child. Imagine how he'll feel if this turns into a long term estrangement. He’s a boy who made a mistake and has now (albeit very belatedly) owned up. Much better that he’s made to apologise and things can move on, with him having learnt not to do it again, than he keeps punishing himself for even longer because he sees it as his fault that his mum and aunt don’t speak.

I agree that “amazing” is over the top. But he has done the right thing eventually, when it must have actually got harder with time as he realised the row wasn’t going to blow over.

There is an opportunity here to say “Well done for telling me. I can’t keep this a secret from your dad or your auntie, and yes, they’ll be annoyed, but isn’t that better than worrying about it like you were before?”.

I would be straight on the phone to my sister eating humble pie. I would also offer to pay for the new furniture. Your son needs to know that actions have consequences. You can't not tell anyone because he asked you not to, FFS, he is a child!