AIBU for being annoyed my daughter’s friend acts like nothing’s wrong?

Flowerofdestiny · 2025-10-05T20:45:07+00:00

I’m struggling to know how best to support my teenage daughter as she tries to find a balance between being a polite, kind person but not being taken for a fool. She has a very close group of friends who usually do everything together. But this is the second time one of them has had a big party and hasn’t invited her – leaving her as the only one in the group left out. It hurts because there’s no obvious reason why she isn’t invited, and she doesn’t have the courage to ask. From what she tells me, everything between them seems normal; however, this particular friend still talks to her as if nothing has happened. But of course, my daughter finds out from the others that she’s been excluded. It ruins the group outings for her too, because once she knows she’s been left out of something, she can’t enjoy the rest in the same way. I’m not sure what advice to give. I know she needs to learn to manage these situations herself, but when things happen for no clear reason it frustrates me as well – even as an adult! Sorry if this sounds trivial, but I’d really appreciate any words of advice or guidance. Thank you for reading.

autienotnaughty · 05/10/2025 21:56

Was it the same person both times?
either-
theres an issue with your dd
or this girl is spiteful

Do the others acknowledge it? She can try to make some other friends so her friendships are more diverse . Or try to accept you can’t be included in everything (although leaving one out is mean.) and try to be blasé about it

BMW6 · 05/10/2025 22:00

I suggest you advise your dd to walk away from these frenemies and take up a hobby or activity to get a new interest and hopefully new - and real - friends!

What horrible people.

Original poster

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 22:40

It’s the same girl who did it, and they’ve known each other since they were little, which is why it makes me so sad.

The complication is that it happens within a group; if it were just between the two of them, it would be easier. But apart from this girl, the others prefer not to take sides, and they always invite both of them to everything. Losing the group just because of one girl is really a shame, isn’t it?

OP posts:

BMW6 · 05/10/2025 22:44

But they're ALL joining in with shunning your daughter! None of them are decent people. They are happy to stand by and see your dd hurt.

They are all bullying snivelling cowardly cunts and I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire!

Please help her recognise that these people will continue to hurt her.

Original poster

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 22:51

I thought about it… but I didn’t take it that way, which is why I was asking for advice to get other perspectives.

Thank you for reading, and that’s what I try to do – help her realise and stand up for herself… poor thing, seeing her eyes full of tears breaks my heart.

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Mrmrowlchops · 05/10/2025 22:51

I guess this one having the party doesn't like your dd much. What age are they? It can be hard to change friendship groups sometimes.

Ooogle · 05/10/2025 22:58

Same thing is happening to my ten year old dd. One kid in the group always invites the rest of the group but not my dd. Happily chats to her and plays with her and comes to her parties though. My dd is baffled as to why and upset by it. I envision it carrying on into teenage years so will follow your thread because apart from encouraging other friendships and being supportive, I’m not sure if there’s anything else that can be done really.

Bendydiamond · 05/10/2025 23:04

My daughter has this too. We’ve invited the child to three parties in two years and she hasn’t invited my daughter to any of hers. One of ours involved an expensive day out too!

Luckily the child is in another class at secondary so less important now but my daughter was still really disappointed to find out from other friends that a party had happened. Another one where we’ve known the child a long time as well and thought the family were decent people.

All she can do is find other friends I think. Easier said than done!

Endofyear · 05/10/2025 23:08

I'm petty so I would probably organise a nice treat for my daughter and invite all her friends except the one who left her out - let her have a taste of her own medicine!

Wingedharpy · 05/10/2025 23:09

If she's finding out from others that she's been excluded, has she tried asking them, when the subject is raised "do you know why Tabitha didn't ask me to her party?"

Cinaferna · 05/10/2025 23:14

My advice is to encourage your daughter to interact as little as possible with the girl who excludes her. In the group, never go out of her way to greet the girl, ask how she is, compliment her - just grey rock her, but be vivacious with others. Stay friendly with the other girls. Don't bother asking why she's excluded or working out what she has done wrong. She's likely to have done nothing wrong. Some people simply can't feel good about themselves unless they are trying to make someone else feel isolated and insecure.

Encourage her to build friendships and interests outside the group and to gradually move away from it when she has the confidence to. And obviously, she doesn't need to feel any responsibility to invite this girl to any of her own parties or get togethers at your home.

Eventually she will have a strong friendship group of people who don't play horrible games like this. Until then, she needs to learn how to manage such people. If she encounters them at uni or at work or when she is trying to make friends with other new mums, she needs to feel confident that the best way to deal with them is minimal interaction, zero fucks about whether they like her and focus on people who behave well.

Woofie7 · 05/10/2025 23:14

BMW6 · 05/10/2025 22:00

I suggest you advise your dd to walk away from these frenemies and take up a hobby or activity to get a new interest and hopefully new - and real - friends!

What horrible people.

Absolutely love this . Can you get her involved in a sport or hobby so these people seem less important. Girls can be horrible . My parents started me in diving classes when I was 13 as I was very bullied . Really improved my confidence. What about some sort of rangers or cadets or St John’s ambulance, rowing athletics. Girls rugby hockey football . Non traditional sports seem to have a more wholesome atmosphere. Table tennis badminton.

Original poster

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 23:20

I’m glad my post can help others too!

It’s such a shame when these things happen, because leaving someone out like that is really hurtful.

They’re 16, so they know exactly what they’re doing. And whether it’s kids or teenagers, those kinds of behaviours really hurt.

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Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 05/10/2025 23:25

Im guessing shes either year 9 or year 10? If so it seems to be an absolute bitch fest those 2 school years. We're in the same place and although things are calm at the moment im always waiting for something to start up again.

Its often been my dd who gets left out whilst the rest of the group are included. Whilst its awful I've said to dd that apart from the one girl who's excluded her she mustn't think that they're all against her. At their age its really difficult to say "what about x, why isn't she included?"It doesn't mean they aren't her friends, just that they're a bit weak and thats ok they're just learning how to navigate things.

Interesting you should say that its the girl shes known the longest thats doing it, its the same here. I think its because she knows dd isn't going to kick up a fuss and isn't going to retaliate so its easy to pick on her. Years of knowledge about her personality means she knows whatever she does won't be called out. Its one of my biggest regrets as a parent that I didn't raise her to be outspoken or make people a bit uncomfortable when theyre being bitches.

This too shall pass, keep telling her that. Shes clearly got a great mum who cares and whilst this is hard shes close and comfortable enough with you to tell you what's going on. Dd and I have grown up girly days when the others are doing their thing. Shes only 14 but loves a spa trip or drinking mocktails in the Alchemist, all stuff she can put on Snapchat, if shes that way inclined, to show shes not at home upset but having a nice day without them.

Original poster

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 23:27

I’m very sensitive, so it’s hard for me to accept things like this.
I helped her get ready with so much love, we bought a gift, and I thought she would have a wonderful day.
That one girl ruining her outing like that affects me deeply too.

OP posts:

samplesalequeen · 05/10/2025 23:30

Cinaferna · 05/10/2025 23:14

My advice is to encourage your daughter to interact as little as possible with the girl who excludes her. In the group, never go out of her way to greet the girl, ask how she is, compliment her - just grey rock her, but be vivacious with others. Stay friendly with the other girls. Don't bother asking why she's excluded or working out what she has done wrong. She's likely to have done nothing wrong. Some people simply can't feel good about themselves unless they are trying to make someone else feel isolated and insecure.

Encourage her to build friendships and interests outside the group and to gradually move away from it when she has the confidence to. And obviously, she doesn't need to feel any responsibility to invite this girl to any of her own parties or get togethers at your home.

Eventually she will have a strong friendship group of people who don't play horrible games like this. Until then, she needs to learn how to manage such people. If she encounters them at uni or at work or when she is trying to make friends with other new mums, she needs to feel confident that the best way to deal with them is minimal interaction, zero fucks about whether they like her and focus on people who behave well.

This is excellent advice OP.

id definitely encourage her to build up interests and friends outside that group

Original poster

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 23:38

Thank you for reading and taking the time to write such thoughtful messages.

You don’t know how much it helps me to keep my spirits up and also to support her.

You’re amazing, Mumsnetters!

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Toofficeornot · 05/10/2025 23:40

I am trying to think why thiw would happen and with 16 year olds perhaps the girl is into things that she knows your dd is totally against or would find shocking or would be really uncomfortable in the setting and be uncomfortable with the wider group the girl invited.
I am thinking drugs, alcohol, sex or particular type of boys.
Could this be the reason?

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 23:43

Some people are just weird I wouldn’t spend too much time analysing why. Agree it seems a shame to lose the whole group.

Original poster

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 23:49

#Toofficeornot I hadn’t thought of that, but the girl and her family are really lovely, and every time I’ve met them it’s been nice. They’ve known each other since they were little, so I don’t think it’s anything like what you mentioned.

I really hope my daughter can find the courage to ask and get some clarity, so she doesn’t stay feeling frustrated.

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Mrmrowlchops · 05/10/2025 23:50

They make some new friends in sixth form, usually people from their subjects. She just needs to let it go til then and focus more on the two who do like her. It is a shame but I doubt this girl will change. I think they learn to pick friends who treat them well eventually.

Woofie7 · 05/10/2025 23:52

Toofficeornot · 05/10/2025 23:40

I am trying to think why thiw would happen and with 16 year olds perhaps the girl is into things that she knows your dd is totally against or would find shocking or would be really uncomfortable in the setting and be uncomfortable with the wider group the girl invited.
I am thinking drugs, alcohol, sex or particular type of boys.
Could this be the reason?

I definitely think this could be a point .
And they know your daughter is too sensible to get involved.
in which case : well done mum ❤️

SomewhatAnnoyed · 05/10/2025 23:55

Ooogle · 05/10/2025 22:58

Same thing is happening to my ten year old dd. One kid in the group always invites the rest of the group but not my dd. Happily chats to her and plays with her and comes to her parties though. My dd is baffled as to why and upset by it. I envision it carrying on into teenage years so will follow your thread because apart from encouraging other friendships and being supportive, I’m not sure if there’s anything else that can be done really.

Why does your daughter still invite her to her parties?

Toofficeornot · 05/10/2025 23:59

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 23:49

#Toofficeornot I hadn’t thought of that, but the girl and her family are really lovely, and every time I’ve met them it’s been nice. They’ve known each other since they were little, so I don’t think it’s anything like what you mentioned.

I really hope my daughter can find the courage to ask and get some clarity, so she doesn’t stay feeling frustrated.

Nice girls do this stuff too. My friends were all nice, daughters of pastors, doctors and architects and the like but around 16 we all started getting into the rave scene. Those that werent into it we did leave out and didnt discuss what we were up to. I mean we had a great time, we just peaked a bit earlier than some of our peers. Our parents didnt have a clue. Its quite possible this is the case. They are just moving onto a different kind of party and know your daughter would not want to get involved.
I can't think of why else they would be perfectly happy to hang out with her at all other times except these parties.

Soonenough · 06/10/2025 00:04

I feel for you Mum . It is almost as heartbreaking for you as well . The one girl is a nasty bitch . The others are too young and immature and perhaps fearful of standing up for your daughter even if they are unhappy about it . Please explain that to your daughter . It's nothing about her and all to do with the unexplainable dynamics in a group . Hopefully the other girls will wise up or the girl will be shown up for being nasty.