In Law Wedding Drama

[ellie09]

Hi all

My DPs cousin got married yesterday. I have made previous thread about this as we assumed I wasnt invited until really recently, and by time I was told, I couldn't make it (no space for dogs & cats at carter/kennels) but ultimately, DP decided he would go on his own and I would stay behind to look after the pets.

The wedding was 2.5 hours drive away, so it meant DP had to stay overnight.

Anyway, on the day, DPs car broke down about half an hour from home. I had to pick him up and car got towed to garage to assess the work. They figures out what was needed, but could only fix it on Monday, which meany DP had no car. There is also no public transport can get you there directly and would require 2 trains and 2 buses, plus a taxi. I didn't offer to drive him up, as its a 5 hour round journey and I had ASD son for the day and planned activities etc.

Unfortunately, this meant that DP couldn't get up to the wedding.

Anyhow - about 2 weeks ago, me and DP had a photoshoot for some nice photos for our wedding website etc. We weren't expecting these back so soon from the photographer, but we got them back today. I was delighted with them and put up a post on my own social media, tagging DP, with a few of the photos.

Now, several of DPs family have started drama and fights with DP.

They're accusing us of having got the photos yesterday (bit of a reach when you consider how long it takes to edit etc)

A few have taken a strop and said they aren't coming to our wedding now, as "DP bunked off the wedding for the photos".

This is absolutely not the case.

I posted these up as I received them back and wanted to share with my own family and friends.

AIBU in sharing these photos?

The bride and groom in question yesterday, are not even on social media, just other family members.

What’s a wedding website?

A website with the wedding details? Haven’t you been to a wedding in the last 15 years?!

Yes thanks I have been to many, but usually get an invite in the post! Never heard of a wedding website or anyone having one.

Agree with this 👆

Its just a digital way for us to get RSVPs etc than depending on calls/texts or paper copies arriving to the house. Its really good for checking confirmed guest lists etc.

I'm also using it to put up some useful info for wedding guests on my side that are travelling up and dont know the area - places to stay, recommendations for make up or hair if needed, discount code for booking rooms etc and directions to the venue.

We're also planning to QR code the table plan etc so its also on the website and we can edit right up to the day.

We need some images to make it look a bit nicer and personalised, so we thought it was a good idea to utilize our included shoot in our wedding package to get some nice, candid photos for it. None of the photos have a ring in clear view etc as it isnt my style. We are just walking, chatting, sitting on benches - candid type photos in jeans, jumper etc

I think people are being really weird on this thread. Wedding websites with an engagement shoot photo of the couple are really normal these days - it's and easier and more streamlined way of getting out invites and managing RSVPs. OP says she doesn't really have any of the wedding party on her SM so wouldn't have really considered her posting to be stepping on any toes.

The break down was unfortunate and a last minute let down to the wedding couple is disappointing and frustrating but I think the suggestion that OP drop all plans (regardless or ASD son), buy roadside insurance on her car (which presumably her DP won't need to really use again), drive them half an hour back home, THEN set out again (by this time at least an hour later than planned) seems bonkers. She has evidence that the car broke down which the family don't believe. DP reached out to try and get a lift and was unable to and surely not everyone can justify the cost of just hiring a car (admittedly don't know how much this costs but sounds like they will soon have to pay out money for car repairs as well). If OP's DP had really wanted to go, he would have found a way but its hardly OP's job to micromanage the travel of her adult partner.

Really don't get the vitriol directed at OP for what seems to be an (incorrect) assumption by her partners family.

Post evidence of the booking for the photoshoot and of the car breaking down and leave it at that

I absolutely did not expect anything to blow up. DP hadn't seen his cousin in years, they aren't close by any means.

The organisation of the wedding itself seemed "half assed", where our invitation was sent to DPs mum, who lives 1.5 hours away and they relied on his mum to give us the information - one month before the big day. They couldn't even be bothered to try getting our address or reaching out directly. All this combined meant it was extremely difficult for us both to attend, so we settled on DP.

When DPs car broke down, I was already out and about with DS doing the full day of activities I planned and relayed to DS. Anyone who has ASD kids will know that cancelling this to drive in a car for 5 hours, would result in absolute meltdown and disregulation.

Even if I could have drove him down, it was an amber warning day with high winds and rain - driving in conditions like this even down the road frightens me, never mind 5 hour round trip up the coast where the weather was atrocious. DP quite rightly said that he didnt want me driving on my own with DS anyhow for that length of time back home and in dangerous conditions.

Thanks for the well thought out reply

Do not respond or engage.
Take it as a heads up that his mother is not to be trusted.
Put her on a full information diet and keep your distance.
Enjoy your day.

I already keep my distance and I think DP is learning now himself (I didnt want to say or bitch about his mum, he needs to figure that out for himself)

He's basically told her if family members have conveyed they wont attend our wedding, then thats grand - we save money and can invite more of our friends instead.

We were supposed to head up to see his family next week, but I think that is now off the cards considering the behaviour and vibe we have been getting. May leave it to cool a bit first.

Yanbu at all. Let your dp deal with his family, they made it clear you’re not a priority so don’t make them one in your life.

you do realise however that putting your OH on your insurance may in fact reduce your premiums. Look into it, it might save you a few bob.

and even so, you still needn’t have altered your plans with your son.

Indeed, the OP on the weekend of someone's else wedding is not a priority.

Why on earth should she 😂

I think it's not surprising your ILs are upset.

It's a wedding. Often very expensive to invite per guest and super rude to bail on the day. It doesn't sound like either of you really made much effort to solve the problem - add him to your insurance, get a hire car, drive him somewhere closer so he could get easier public transport part of the way, find a garage that offers courtesy cars....

If every effort was made to get there and sadly failed, it's still super insensitive and needless to post stuff about your own wedding the day after pulling out of a relative's! Totally looks like you're rubbing their face in it rather than offering grovelling apologies.

The relatives are batshit and drama llamas so I’d ignore them and not dignify their ramblings with any comment whatsoever.

@Hohumdedum grovelling apologies for not attending the wedding?? 🤣🤣🤣

You’re one of those bridezilla types that thinks your wedding is oh so special and everyone should be in awe of the occasion.

News flash: no-one else cares. 😆

Maybe DP’s mum is deflecting somewhat by not having your back - she was at fault for not passing on the invitation till a month before the wedding (though also the couple getting married should have sent it directly to your DP and you). She’s happy enough for people to think the lack of attendance from you two is more due to you having secret photo plans, rather than as a partial consequence of her poor organisation in not passing the message on (coupled with unexpected car problem).

Ironically, this isnt the first time something has happened like this with weddings.

Earlier in the year, DPs other cousin married, and his mum only told DP a few weeks before the wedding, by which stage we already had booked our house moving day (keys had to be handed back the following day so it couldn't really be moved) then huffed at DP for not making that one either.

I wonder if DPs family is able to make a connection here, or will the blame rest solely on DP

Well, this is what I mean without trying to be rude. DPs cousins wedding - a cousin he hasn't seen for years - was not a significant event for me or DP

I dont expect my big day either to be significant to anybody else except me and DP. The next day, normality resumes for everybody else bar the wedding couple, as much as people dont want to hear that.

The thing is, you or DP being at the cousins wedding wasn’t a significant event for anyone else either. They sent the invite to their aunts house, that’s how little they cared whether you came.

yet you’ve posted, what, 3 times about it? You do seem rather more invested in it than you should be, and I suspect it’s that common pre bride jealousy when you want your day and anyone coming nearby is a bit of a rival for attention.

OP i have a horrible Mil. I wasted loads of head space around my wedding trying to get her to care about us. I was eaten up by the weddings before and after which were more important to in laws.

this is just a symptom of a fucked up family. you’re marrying into it, you have to find a way to cope that doesn’t drain your emotional energy. It took me 10 years to get to that place and I’m still bitter. Start recognising it now.

It frequently costs over £100 pp to cater for each guest, so yes I would expect apologies. And I would apologise profusely myself if I didn't turn up to a wedding on the day regardless of the cause.

Nothing to do with bridezilla. I'd apologise for wasting someone's money and food whatever the event.

Well, that is up to DP to issue those apologies, I RSPVd once I received the invite that I couldn't go.

DP has sent them £150 wedding cash gift already, which should hopefully cover his cost, at least

You are confusing RSVP: no thank you
and apologies for not turning up on the day after accepting the invitation.

Having basic manners is not being in awe of anything.

The only bridezilla here is the OP who had to post about her own wedding that exact weekend, to make sure the attention was on her.

I only posted because it was on my SM, where I have very little of DPs family on my own page (only his immediate family) and there will be no photos anyhow - as bride and groom aren't even on SM!

There was the standard photos of family members in their own outfits etc taken on their phones but there wont be any photographer photos online anyway!

you've said that, again and again, but clearly your DP's family has seen them, and can't have been that casual if they had immediately known it was for the wedding!

If your DP was my own son, had rudely not shown up at a wedding when he accepted the invitation and then put photos about his own wedding the same day or the following day, I would have asked him what the hell he was playing at and to learn some basic manners. It wouldn't have killed you, or him, to wait a few days instead of jumping "me me me" before most guests put the photos of the cousins wedding on their own social media (because people do nowadays..)

Just rude.

This is jut a bucket load of projection on your part, though. I don’t see any obsession or competition between OP and the cousins. Despite your experience weddings—even family weddings—are not a competition and the bragging rights for “we got married “ don’t obtain for more than the day.