My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

Do you realise how ableist this post is ?

says more about you than the deleted post. It was full of nasty and vile language aimed at neurodiverse children and they are (as a whole) destroyer of families.

What bit? My friends scenerio. It's merely stating how it can look from the siblings view rather than the parents or disabled childs?

Or the fact the system is so fucked there seems to be little help or options to prevent families being destroyed by disabilities? Which part is ableist?

No. He doesn’t. He needs someone to understand how he feels. In over twenty years of dealing professionally with families under enormous strain similar to that of OP, and where both parents were expressing similar feelings, I never once saw someone snap and hurt their child. I saw plenty of men leave because they couldn’t cope with the awful situation they were in as the focus of their own child’s perceived hatred, and the lack of support from the various agencies. OP is trying to hold her family together. Telling her that her DH is a danger to her child is misguided and unhelpful. This has been done to death upthread - why have you waded in without reading, given the seriousness of what’s at stake here ?

There isn’t anything like adequate support available, but blaming the parents for concentrating on the disabled child with the most need doesn’t help. Neither does the suggestion that the siblings were so affected they didn’t have children of their own. And suggesting that they loved the disabled child the most - I really don’t know where to start in trying to explain to you what the strain of having a disabled child means.

You really do need to think before you post. You clearly have absolutely no fucking idea of how little support is available to families supporting this kind of disability. So your ‘go to’ is to blame the parents for doing what they need to do ? I worked as a disability outreach worker for over twenty years. I saw families trying to cope with disabilities that would make people like you want to lie down and die. In situations like the OP’s it progresses from outbursts from a child, to violence from a child grown much bigger and stronger than their parents. I’ve seen families have to sort safe rooms in which to barricade themselves to keep safe while their child has a meltdown. Because for children with these behavioural tendencies the opportunities for placement is virtually nil. So they’re left to get on with it. So forgive me for calling out your ignorant ableism. You have no clue what you’re talking about.

Why? Because I'm telling the truth even if it's not palatable ?

But there used to be placements for these kids. Just apparently this is a no no now. It's not helping many people is it all this " care in the family/ community"

Parents should have options on whether they can keep the child , have respite or give it up totally.

All this inclusiveness stuff has caused this giving no one help or choices these days

You’re not telling the truth, you’re apportioning blame. If you can’t see that then I can’t help you. Other than taking these children out in the car and dumping them miles from home, these families have no option but to try to cope as best they can with minimal support. You have no idea what the truth is.

There haven’t been placements for these kids for some time. The provision just isn’t there. They are violent and abusive and the facilities available to cope with such behaviours are thin on the ground. So families have to cope. Calling them out for it and accusing them of essentially neglecting their other children is ignorant and ableist. Respite is non existent. We all know what should be done but the resources to do it aren’t there. What do you suggest families do that they aren’t already ?

But there should be options and used to be Read my bloody post above .

If the parents refused until they got help what would actually happen then? Say for example the kid was left in a hospital or at social services office. They cannot force the parents to take the kids back. .would have to find a placement then

But there aren’t any more. EVERYTHING is over stretched and over subscribed. Blaming the parents for the failings of society to provide adequate support isn’t the answer.

Where am I blaming the parents?

Refused what ? What hospital are you going to take your child to and leave there ? What parent would abandon their child at a social services office ? These children may be disabled but they are still human beings and deserve to be treated as such, not just entities to be abandoned because they’re too difficult to deal with and the able bodied ones take priority. YOU CAN’T FIND A PLACEMENT THAT DOESN’T EXIST !!!!

Go back and read your own posts.

Was it? I didn’t see any nasty or vile language at all although of course I didn’t memorise it.

I think ‘placements’ is an outdated concept. Things have moved on and it’s naive to think anybody could just put their child in a ‘placement’ and move on. But there are parents and children living half lives out there where they are trapped through no fault of their own in a hellish situation.

There was an advert for a washing powder that featured an autistic teenager and her sister. It was meant (I think) to show how hard life was for teens with autism but I think (inadvertently, possibly) it also showed how acute the suffering of their siblings was. The girl in question couldn’t even chat to her friend in the car on the way to school.

i didn't memorise either but I reported it because is was a horrific post. You having a memory lapse doesn't change that fact.

DH and I have been married nearly 27 years. I’m surprised we’re still together tbh because as you rightly point out the stress of raising ND kids is immense. Our marriage has definitely been stressed to breaking point over the years, there’s just no support out there.
I think we’re on the home straight now, DS1 is 25, engaged and living in his own home. DS2 is 18 and is much more self aware now and more able to control his emotions.

The ‘placement’ would likely be a bed and breakfast or a room in travel lodge or similar. And it would be for an extended amount of time because as has been said a million times before, suitable placements, tailored for the needs of these disabled people are thin on the ground.

For a lone chid?

He likely is setting up for or is having an affair. He wants you to end it.

so you write a post full of hate speech (which rightfully got removed) and as I don't agree with you, you are now going for personal insults. Charming.

You are absolutely ignorant as to the lack of resources, and keep trying to push this idea they'd 'find' a placement.