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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think im being played

236 replies

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

OP posts:
Summerhut2025 · 06/10/2025 19:50

I take it he isn’t on social media? You need to do some digging, ask around, it def sounds like you’re the other woman and the other woman needs to find out about you, how dare he treat you like this. Move on OP you’re worth much more.

3luckystars · 06/10/2025 19:50

I’m not sure played is the right word.

It sounds like you were saying you didn’t want anything serious but you did want it to be serious, but he said he didn’t want it to be serious except he meant it.

If you let someone in, you open yourself up to being hurt. I understand. But, you are going to get hurt anyway, the minute you have sex with someone, there is a bond and you are open to being hurt if you like them after this point.

I would say, the next time just be open to love. All of it.

And definitely forget him anyway, he has another girlfriend (at least one other) and has not been nice to you or proud of you.

I’m sorry he has hurt you x x x

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 06/10/2025 19:51

Sorry to hear this. I think even if you’re not being played you should call ‘game over’ as he’s not giving you the love, respect & attention you deserve. Nearly 40 is young, young, young. You can and should demand more. I’d probably ghost the dick.

AmIJustAnUnreasonsbleBitch · 06/10/2025 19:52

Frankblackwife · 05/10/2025 01:44

What were you even getting from this relationship I don't understand.

Company and sex she enjoyed, presumably, same as most relationships, regardless of how serious they are.

Rhaidimiddim · 06/10/2025 19:52

3luckystars · 06/10/2025 19:50

I’m not sure played is the right word.

It sounds like you were saying you didn’t want anything serious but you did want it to be serious, but he said he didn’t want it to be serious except he meant it.

If you let someone in, you open yourself up to being hurt. I understand. But, you are going to get hurt anyway, the minute you have sex with someone, there is a bond and you are open to being hurt if you like them after this point.

I would say, the next time just be open to love. All of it.

And definitely forget him anyway, he has another girlfriend (at least one other) and has not been nice to you or proud of you.

I’m sorry he has hurt you x x x

You missed the bit about them agreeing to be exclusive.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 06/10/2025 19:53

So sorry this has happened to you. You have spend years acting as a girlfriend while he has lived his life free as a single man, so free it seems this has given him the space to find a girlfriend he does include further into his life.
I don't get why have the exclusive chat with you when he obviously didn't want that. Not having intention to marry or move in, doesn't mean you would exclude someone you wanted to be exclusive with out of your life. I know an older couple who have been together for 10 years who said would never marry or live together, they were still very much a couple and a supported and included part in eachothers lives.

If it was me I would have to find out the whole truth for closure. I'd be saying I know there is someone else, I want to know how long, how serious and why the fuck involve me in this shit when you know it was not my choice. If he tries to bullshit I'd say tell me the truth or I will find out from her.

Or you could just say you've had enough of his bullshit and your done. But either way, there is no way this is a relationship which has a happy ending for you so set yourself free

Laurmolonlabe · 06/10/2025 19:56

You were a fuck buddy, nothing more- the fact he wouldn't own up to you to his friend gave it to you- before you ever saw his phone.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2025 19:59

I would just say, I’m not happy with this relationship and the fact you keep it secret, I’m ending it.

AngelicKaty · 06/10/2025 20:06

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

@IcySwan "I asked him who it was and he said he'd upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo."
Sorry OP, but this is baloney. ios 26 comes with 16 default wallpapers to choose from for screen savers and none of them are people, as you can see from the following photo.
He has either downloaded a stock photo from the net to use as his screen saver (but why would he choose a photo of some random stranger?) or he has that photo on his phone and he's chosen it as his screen saver from his photo gallery. I have an Android mobile and my DH has an iphone and we both have to choose screen savers from either the available default wallpaper selection or photo's in our phone galleries.
I have no idea if you're being played (for 3 years?!) but he's certainly lying about how that photo ended up as his screen saver.

chachahide · 06/10/2025 20:08

Sorry Op, but it doesn’t look good, run away now and find someone worthy of your time.

MrsMitford3 · 06/10/2025 20:08

I would absolutely need to know for closure.

I would probably do a bit of covert snooping.
The biggest red flag for me (in a sea of flags) is him hiding you from his mum and sister...

AngelicKaty · 06/10/2025 20:08

@IcySwan Sorry here it is OP.

To think im being played
J3001 · 06/10/2025 20:20

Floatingdownriver · 05/10/2025 08:45

Go and knock on his mums door…

Was going to suggest that im turning petty with age

Shitshowcentral · 06/10/2025 20:28

What a rat. In your opening I thought you wbu but as I read on it’s clear as day there’s some sort of double life. I doubt the lifts home are to avoid his mother, they’ll be to avoid the Mrs at home or the mum would know after 3 years you’re there regularly if she only lives over the road!

Puregoldy · 06/10/2025 20:37

When he told his friend he could have your number and you were single that was your answer. One thing to introduce you as a friend if it’s not that serious but not to be worried if you go off with another man is your answer. He doesn’t care op. The screensaver is obvious isn’t it.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 06/10/2025 20:39

I’m afraid so. There is no stock photo of a woman (for obvious reasons).

godmum56 · 06/10/2025 20:39

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2025 02:16

I’d say you are being played.

There doesn’t need to be any big confrontation or scene. You can just decide that the trust has gone and end it. You don’t even need to say why. It can be as simple as “this isn’t working for me any more Good bye and good luck”.

Or do you feel the need to know for sure?

I would do what is right for you

and get tested.

WilfredsPies · 06/10/2025 20:41

He’s in your life but you’re not in his life. Not in any real sense. And he has so little respect for you that he thinks you’ll believe him when he tells you that Apple selected a screenshot of a random woman for him. That simply didn’t happen.

She obviously means something to him because men don’t have screensavers of women they don’t care about. He isn’t in love with her because he wouldn’t be seeing you if he was. But I don’t think he’s stuck to your exclusivity agreement and I think he’s more likely to have introduced her to his family and friends if he’s willing to risk them seeing his phone.

I can’t claim that I wouldn’t be sat outside his house in a friend’s car, hoping that it was all some huge misunderstanding and that someone had hacked his phone etc. But in my head, I’d know I’d later wish that I’d kept my dignity and simply walked away without another word, cutting him dead. How will having those answers help you? You know he’s lied to you. Do you really want to know how deep those lies have gone? It’s really going to hurt you. Cut him dead and never let him near you again. It will hurt less and he’s never going to be able to claim that you’re crazy or that he never told you that you were exclusive, or that you meant nothing to him and were just a woman he had sex with. Don’t give him that power.

Oldwmn · 06/10/2025 20:42

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

Warning Watch Out GIF

Keeping you away from friends & family after 3 years? Dump him.

Original poster
IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

OP posts:
PorpoiseWithPurpose · 06/10/2025 20:51

IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

Well played, OP

you’re well rid.

onwards and upwards.

OodlesTheTalkingPoodle · 06/10/2025 20:52

The absolute fucking audacity of him.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 06/10/2025 20:52

Oh @IcySwanwell done for confronting him! What a truly horrible experience for you.

I never believe the “I don’t want to be with her” shtick! If he wanted to be with you, he should never have slept with her in the first place.

You are well shot of him anyway. Good luck for the future.

Lilactimes · 06/10/2025 20:53

IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

I’m so sorry if you’re feeling upset @IcySwan but I just wanted to say you have done nothing wrong; you have not allowed yourself to be walked over, you have behaved brilliantly now you’ve found out and not taken any BS from him. You may feel rubbish but you’ve acted liked a strong woman with a great sense of self respect. Well done you … I’m in awe of you xx

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