To think im being played

[IcySwan]

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

Yes he's probably got someone else. However you wanted a casual relationship and thats what you got.

But he's not LC with his family if he's telling the truth about giving them rides. I don't understand the refusal to meet family and keep someone's existence secret if you have a healthy relationship. If you don't see your family much it's different, but it shouldn't be an issue to explain this to a partner?

OP, I am really sorry this is happening to you.

Your relationship with him sounds very like mine with my FWB to be honest. We message every day and in that sense he feels like a part of my life, but we haven't and won't meet each others' friends and family (mine know about him, but he is more private so it wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't mentioned me - his elderly mom for example perhaps wouldn't understand why we weren't properly "seeing" each other).

The difference is we live quite far apart and can't see each other in person that often. But when we do it tends to be week nights as both our weekends are often busy with our respective kids, and his with his hobby/side hustle.

If I found out at this point that he has been seeing another person behind my back, I would be upset, I admit it. Not so much heartbreak - Hell we have never even said we are exclusive in our case, though in practice we are, as I understand it - but the I would be upset that he has clearly and repeatedly lied, this man i have chosen to respect and admire and spend precious time with.

I have done all I can to check - that is exploring his socials really, I can't afford a private detective - and in the end I have chosen to trust him.

You clearly trusted this guy too, OP. Even in casual relationships, there should still be trust and honesty I think.

I don't know what I would do in your position, as you obviously want proof, but it may be hard to get it. I would NEVER normally suggest this, honestly, but next time he leaves you alone in his house could you peek in a few draws?

(Mind you I feel a bit dirty even suggesting that - it's not behaviour I would normally condone. Maybe you just trust your gut and leave him, as others suggest. But I get that that will be hard).

I can't afford a private detective was a joke, BTW - I wouldn't set one on my FWB even if I was a billionaire, I am not a crazy stalker woman!

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white? No

I think you have misinterpreted a committed independent but exclusive relationship as a casual albeit exclusive relationship. It’s fine to have a serious relationship with no intention of marriage or living together but if one side keeps the other person a secret then it’s almost certainly because they don’t want others to know and that’s most likely because they are already in a relationship.

Always a huge red flag when you don't meet friends or family

On balance it sounds to me like you've been played, yes.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, it sounds dodgy as. But, the only outside possibility I could think of is if it is an old photo of an ex that used to be his screensaver. On my phone, it keeps all the old screensavers, and I occasionally manage to press something and switch them by mistake. I've no idea how I do it, I then have to get the children to help me switch back.

Maybe it's because I've just finished the latest Strike book, but I think I'd be trying to do a bit of covert surveillance.

I also had one of these, in a relationship for 4 years and never introduced me to a single member of his family, and 2 of his sisters lived down the road from him. I only went to his place twice, but I did meet his friends. I had no intention of ever living with him , it was the being kept a secret I didn't like and how he fobbed me off saying, Yeah, we'll sort something out, when I asked about meeting his family. I suspect it was to do with the way he was dragging his heels getting his divorce sorted out. In the last year I only wanted to see him once a fortnight for sex, then I'd kick him out the door, didn't like him staying at mine. It came to an end when he came to my place and told me his mum had died, I said,, what are you telling me for? None of my business. Then I told him to fuck off home and not bother me until he'd got over it. Some people might think this is a tad mean but after 4 years of being treated like a dirty secret I felt it wasn't my objective to give a shit about his emotional needs. And you should do the same if one of his family dies.

Well done.
Not allowing him to suddenly use you for tea and sympathy.👏👏👏

Bag any of his belongs at yours and knock on his mum's door. "Oh I'm sorry to bother you but lying arse isn't in, and he mentioned you lived across the road. I know we haven't met, but lying arse and I, have been in an exclusive relationship for 3 years which has no come to an end. So here is his stuff that he was at mine. Lovely to meet you."
But then I am a cunt 🤣
Sorry that you've wasted 3 years of your life on the tosspot. Get yours left an STI test done.

I think you need to borrow a car and sit in it outside his house to see what he’s getting up to. It’s what I’d do but some may call it stalker behaviour.

married sure as eggs is eggs

What a waste of 3 years. Men who aren’t trying to bring you into their worlds are either not interested or not available. Sometimes both

I'm sorry he did this to you. Even though you were casual it hurts to know that someone with whom you have any sort of relationship was lying to you.

I have a iPhone for work. So I dont personalise it at all.. theres no pictures of women as "stock" photos, the background is just abstract shapes.

I suspect he has a partner. Either a new one or always had one. The photo is definitely a woman he knows.

You know this... pop by unannounced and remove all doubt

My ex did this to me. Had me living with the kids in one town, while he spent most of the week in another ( " setting up a regional office"). Living with the woman who became his second wife.

He then did the same thing to her.

It happens. OP, and what you describe sounds like you are indeed the other woman.

I'd do a bit of sleuthing on the days he's not with you, see if you can spot this woman, and then consider telling her what's been going on.

I do always wonder in these situations when either person is going to want more or it feels like more .
I think the time you've spent in this being exclusive ( so he says ) is time enough now.
You could meet someone absolutely lovely who wants the commitment .. its not nice after a time spending all this time together over 3 years but what going to family functions by yourself or never having a plus one ... I'm saying move on now not woth any bad feeling just call time on it . It's holding you back .

I'm sorry OP it sounds like he's in a relationship.

Did you turn up at his house in the end?

I was in a relationship with a man 4 years ago. I left him because I found out when he started seeing me he was already in a long term relationship and when they split he started seeing someone else behind my back too. So he was always seeing two women at once. I found out because I had a feeling so turned up randomly. I told the woman with proof and she still stayed with him. No idea why as he still actively cheats.

Of course he’s in a relationship OP. Sorry you’ve been played but there were quite a few red flags you chose to ignore

Casual or not, a man only keeps you a secret when he has reason for people not to know you exist. And that reason is almost invariably a partner.

Strange question. OP wanted an easy-going exclusive relationship with a man who was single, like OP. She didn’t consent to be the ‘other woman’.

I dated a man for 3 years and never met any of gins family, he met mine. If we went for lunch (worked same company, separate offices) he would wait till we were away from the office block to kiss me hello, or hold my hand. I was 29 had a DS of my own and I guess I was stupid because I tolerated this because I wanted to be a woman who was loved even though I had another man’s child.

im 52 and fuck that gosh I was so stupid it’s embarrassing. 🙈

Trust your gut, it's never wrong.
Don't bother having it out with him, you'll get accused of being crazy and gaslit into thinking you're the problem.
Block and delete and book your STI test for peace of mind.
He isn't worth another second of your time x

Late to this and no new advice but who honestly in this situation would put a photo of a woman (either really, he’s clearly got two on the go) on his phone like that?! It’s like he wanted you to find out.

I am so sorry, OP.

I am afraid that you are right and he is being playing you. All looks like he is hiding something.
Edited to say that I think he si hiding you for his other life.

Sadly he has more red flags than a left wing campsite.
You know that you need to finish this very strange relationship.