To think im being played

[IcySwan]

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

An important thing to remember is that even if you do not want to marry or live with a partner again, it is a very reasonable expectation to be fully in each others lives. His family and friends not knowing about you is a huge red flag. No one is that private for fun.

if i were you, Id go on a date with his friend and subtly find out who the girl is. Then I’d tell her

I think his family knows his ‘more suitable’ girlfriend and you are kept out of sight for whatever reason. Sorry it’s a horrible situation for you to stumble on.

We are an iPhone family and have never had random screensaver photos like that pop up.

Very lucky escape. You deserve a man, not a scrote.

The poor girlfriend. I’d want to know.

I just upgraded to the new iPhone and even then all my backgrounds remain the same lol. It would never change anything doing an update.

Also ios26 is truly DIRE for factory backgrounds. They’re awful and none of them are photos. Mostly shapes and colours. He’s set that background so either a partner or someone he’s downloaded a photo of or something.

Why bring his mum into it? I don’t understand this.

It's not in a bad way, it's to show what an arse he is.

My friend kept her relationship a secret for years. None of her family knew about it until she announced her engagement. Some people are like that.

I think in this case there is more going on.

You've been played. Time to block and ghost him. Let him wonder what you know.

I’m really sorry OP, but you need to trust your gut here. You have absolutely found the smoking gun with the screen saver as he has told you a load of rubbish with his explanation.

What you do now, only you can decide…. Ultimately it depends what outcome you want and what you need to move on but you MUST put your needs above his and realise that he is the issue here and none of this is your fault if you have been transparent and set boundaries in a relationship that worked for you (as all relationships are different and what works for some won’t work for others)

Do you want closure? Call him out and tell him he has been rumbled although I doubt you’ll get the truth
Do you want to tell his wife/girlfriend that he a big lying pile of horseshit and blow up his life? Turn up to the house and get the proof you need (however she may already know and be openly non monogamous… she could also have anger issues and that’s not a situation you want to be in)
Do you want to close this chapter and move on with you being the ultimate priority? Disappear from his existence without explanation.
Do you want to give his wife some subtle hints to look after herself once you’ve removed yourself from his life? Find her name or initials on the electoral register or social media (192.com etc) and post some STI self test kits… that should plant the seed that she needs 😬😂

there are so many ways this could play out… and so many ways this could leave you as the “bad gal”as I’m sure he will have a fabulous explanation that he will give to anyone that will listen and it will NOT paint him as being guilty or in the wrong.

Personally, I’d disappear without a word and remain dignified….. with a few STI kits on standby….He will get caught eventually.

be kind to yourself ❤️

Maybe OP doesn’t want to be the other women and cause hurt to someone else by having an affair with their partner?

Never be in a relationship with a person who isn’t proud of you. Simple as that.

indeed.....how can someone in their right mind would just agree to be someone's casual sexual entertainer but believe is more ....words and choices do have power. You gave your body to a man telling him you want nothing more, this is what he did... I mean what is even your question

OP, you know it’s not a stock photo. And who would have a random woman as a stock photo??

Additionally, are you sure he works nights? Is there any chance he simply has a long term partner?

I agree that no one knowing about you is a massive red flag. I’m very private too, my mother and older brother don’t know I’m in a relationship but that’s only because they’re weird and stalker-ish. All my family on my father’s side knows and I know everyone in my partner’s family too, relatively off the bat. We’re private but not secretive, if that makes sense.

I’m sorry this is happening, OP.

If they agreed to be exclusive then no, he had no right to go around pulling these stunts.

However he obviously took advantage of OP’s easygoing approach to cheat on his partner, probably.

I'm sorry.

It sounds like he's been living a double life for a long time.

You're friends with benefits, you are not in a relationship with him.

None of his family know of your existence, he calls you during the daytime/late evening, he only visits you during the week, he pretended to his friend you are merely friends and he has a random woman's picture on his iPhone as a screensaver. When you look at all of the above, you see the bigger picture, it's clear he's hiding you, and the only reason would be because he's already in a long-term relationship. The user has to select the picture they wish to use as a screensaver - his explanation is bollocks. I think it's safe to say, the woman in the picture is his long-term partner. You either confront him without any real proof, and prepare yourself for him denying it or you try and find out the truth yourself. I would be cautious of the fact he may have a long-term partner, but he could equally be seeing other women as well as you.

I think you need to turn up at his house at a time he’s home but you don’t usually see him.

I’d be doing a touch of surveillance, or next time you are in his home and he does out to take his mum out . Have a snoop for evidence. Or watch and follow him. My mum and me did this when I was a kid and caught my cheating father out!

Oh love, why have you been prepared to accept these table scraps for the last 3 years? You're worth more than being a dirty secret, regardless of whether there's someone else or not.

You can be casual with someone without them denying your very existence. Find someone who treats you with respect and bin him before he bins you! (He might be feeling uncomfortable with how close he got to being rumbled and be planning to cut things off to preserve his other relationship).

If it were me I'd go and sit in my car quietly outside his house a few times. I'd be very interested to see if there was another car there, or somebody there while he is at work.

I know someone that ljved with his girlfriend for 15 years, and then it turned out he had another girlfriend and a son and neither of them knew about each other. So they can do it.. :( sorry OP it seems you have probably been played. Do you want proof? What will you do next?

If you'd not been to his house I'd have said he's 100% married.

This man has a girlfriend or wife, without a shadow of a doubt. I normally understand and even endorse the urge to dig and snoop, but in your case I wouldn’t even bother to go searching for more proof for your own mental decision, aside from locating the wife/gf to tell her.

And on that note, personally I think the right thing to do is to tell the wife/girlfriend. She ought to have the information to make an informed decision about her future, and be able to protect herself against STDs.

However if you decide you won’t tell her, I think the least you can do is find a way to break up with him that leaves him with some sort of crippling insecurity rather than just telling him you know about the wife what’s his biggest hang up? I’d be getting creative.

It does sound like something strange is going on, trust your gut.

With regards to the phone, iPhone does have a 'Photo Shuffle' option for the background photos; it changes your background based on photos you have from an album. They would be photos you have saved onto your phone though. I guess there is the outside chance it could be a photo of an ex but it feels very, very unlikely.