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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think im being played

236 replies

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 06/10/2025 20:54

Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home Oh my God, you handled that like a bloody champion! You could not have been more dignified but at the same time, more kickass if you’d tried! You have nothing to feel stupid or foolish about. He is an absolute scumbag and he’s the stupid and foolish one. I’m in awe at how you handled that.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 06/10/2025 20:56

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

I think using the words ‘casual’ and ‘exclusive’ in the same sentence was one big red flag without saying anymore. It doesn’t sound great. There could be reasons of course but regardless it doesn’t sound like either of you are particularly invested in each other tbh.

TwistedWonder · 06/10/2025 20:58

Well done OP. You’ve taken control of your life and thrown out the trash.

The fucking cheek of him wanting to crack on as if the live in gf doesn’t exist. And like fuck is she a lodger he just started shagging. She’s his gf he’s moved in - poor unsuspecting girl.

Honestly these fuckboys are shameless the way they spread their community dick.

You should be proud of yourself for dumping his skanky arse at the first opportunity

CherrieTomaties · 06/10/2025 20:59

He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting

Absolute bullshit. Men are so stupid.

@IcySwan I’m so glad you’ve finally found out. I bet you thought you were going crazy. And fingers crossed the STI test comes back negative for you.

You are worth so much more than this. Please block him, keep him blocked, and never see him again!

Happyjoe · 06/10/2025 20:59

@IcySwan
Sorry to hear what has happened but boy, you are a classy lady. I just wanted to say I admire you, your reaction and how you handled him. You are rather fabulous!
Please though, never question yourself over him. Nothing you did was wrong, you trusted him, you had no reason not to - it's him that is the snake and ruined a good thing. He really has lost a fabulous woman. Take good care of you.

LouiseK93 · 06/10/2025 21:00

Yes!! Accidentally on purpose leave something there...turn up unannounced to get it.

Happyjoe · 06/10/2025 21:02

Spinmerightroundbaby · 06/10/2025 20:56

I think using the words ‘casual’ and ‘exclusive’ in the same sentence was one big red flag without saying anymore. It doesn’t sound great. There could be reasons of course but regardless it doesn’t sound like either of you are particularly invested in each other tbh.

Show quote history

What's wrong with that? Not everyone wants to end up married/living together, some people just want to enjoy their partners company and keep it fun. Exclusive means it's safe.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 06/10/2025 21:05

If you are the vindictive type and want revenge you could let the photo women know what has been going on.

He has really used you. Why should he get away with it?

Or you could let his mother know what her wonderful little boy has been playing at.

Offloadontome · 06/10/2025 21:06

After 3 whole years, and explicitly agreeing you are exclusive, I would 100% be turning up to his house unannounced on a Saturday, and if his wife / other woman is there, ask him to explain to both of you what is happening here. She deserves to know she's also been played for the past 3 years, so she can ltb and also get an STI test. I'm so sorry OP. What a nasty liar.

I once got treated similarly, and we both found out and confronted the guy together. He wouldn't speak to us together and wanted to speak separately then tried to feed us both the same lie that it was always us and not the other one, blah blah.

Do not let him get away with it, please don't walk away without letting him reap the consequences.

TwistedWonder · 06/10/2025 21:07

Happyjoe · 06/10/2025 21:02

What's wrong with that? Not everyone wants to end up married/living together, some people just want to enjoy their partners company and keep it fun. Exclusive means it's safe.

Show quote history

Agree with you. Having an exclusive but pretty casual relationship works for a lot of people who aren’t in the place for a full on full time partner.

Seahorsemama · 06/10/2025 21:08

So sorry he turned out to be a complete arse. But you should be super proud of yourself for being so strong and walking away with your dignity. Stay strong! You are worth so much more

Springtimehere · 06/10/2025 21:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Offloadontome · 06/10/2025 21:11

Offloadontome · 06/10/2025 21:06

After 3 whole years, and explicitly agreeing you are exclusive, I would 100% be turning up to his house unannounced on a Saturday, and if his wife / other woman is there, ask him to explain to both of you what is happening here. She deserves to know she's also been played for the past 3 years, so she can ltb and also get an STI test. I'm so sorry OP. What a nasty liar.

I once got treated similarly, and we both found out and confronted the guy together. He wouldn't speak to us together and wanted to speak separately then tried to feed us both the same lie that it was always us and not the other one, blah blah.

Do not let him get away with it, please don't walk away without letting him reap the consequences.

Sorry, I missed your update OP. So glad you've cut your losses. At least you can start a fresh, it sounds like you've gone out with the right attitude xxx

Alittlefrustrated · 06/10/2025 21:12

Well done OP!

Happyjoe · 06/10/2025 21:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ask him what?

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 06/10/2025 21:14

I don't believe a word of his confession. If he's been like this from the beginning, I'd bet anything he's been with her just as long or others, even if they did move in together more recently. As you wanted a certain distance for your children, it suited what he wanted perfectly!

you handled it perfectly though 💐

andthat · 06/10/2025 21:15

IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

@IcySwan i am in awe of you.
Your self esteem shines through that entire post…yes, he’s hurt you. But he hasn’t broken you and you will pick yourself up from this.

Allow your self time to grieve what you thought you had.

You are stronger than you think you are.

Not all men are cheating scumbags.. you got unlucky with this one… and trust me when I say that this has got nothing remotely to do wit you.
❤️

AngelicKaty · 06/10/2025 21:16

IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

And THANK YOU for this post, OP! The strength and determination you have shown in a matter of hours shows you are one impressive woman! And you have already shown your self-esteem isn't wrecked because you gave it to that bastard with both barrels, clearly showing him that you know your value and he isn't worthy of your time for a second longer. Well done OP! 🤗

BringaBintarongAlong · 06/10/2025 21:17

I am so impressed by how you have handled this. There is nothing to reproach yourself with for trusting someone and then to value yourself enough to walk away without getting involved in drama is so hard to do. I think revenge hurts you as much as the recipient in the long run. Doesn't mean you shouldn't feel devastated, fooled, heartbroken, raging, sad etc. and I totally get why sometimes we cant resist the urge to hurt someone back but absolute boss level of self worth you 🙌🙌🙌

BigBirdOfPrey · 06/10/2025 21:18

If you get to the bottom of it, if she is his partner, please tell her too !

Greenwitchart · 06/10/2025 21:20

I stopped reading after you wrote ''casual''.

If you settle for a casual relationship with someone then you cannot have expectations that they will always put you first or that they won't see other people.

theonlygirl · 06/10/2025 21:22

Congratulations on handling that so magnificently. The feeling when the penny drops is just awful, but your sister is right. Yes there were signs, but given your history its understandable why you decided on the type of relationship you did. Don't waste much time ringing your hands over it, sex was offered to him on a plate and he took it and he would quite happily go on juggling the two of you for as long as he could. Some people are just aresholes, its that simple. Learn from it and move on. x

Desmodici · 06/10/2025 21:25

Well done, you! So pleased to read your update and that you know you deserve better.

FWIW, I don't believe the lodger story. Surely he'd have mentioned in conversation that he was thinking of getting one, especially as it would impact any time spent together at his place?

Anyway, you know he's a liar, and you've dealt with it fantastically. Onwards and upwards!

AngelicKaty · 06/10/2025 21:25

Greenwitchart · 06/10/2025 21:20

I stopped reading after you wrote ''casual''.

If you settle for a casual relationship with someone then you cannot have expectations that they will always put you first or that they won't see other people.

So you read "Hi, So have been in a casual ..." but it was too much of a stretch for you to continue reading "... relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. He's an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again)." 🙄

Lou802 · 06/10/2025 21:29

There's no reason for you to lose self esteem because it turned out he was an arsehole OP. You've handled yourself extremely well. Way too many men out there who just think with their dicks, it's no reflection on you. You deserve 100 times better.