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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ended it over this?

113 replies

Ubspp · 04/10/2025 21:23

I probably am being dramatic.

DP of three years has always said he didn’t use Facebook or Instagram. Tonight I brought dinner in and saw him on it. I said oh are you back on social media then. At this point I didn’t think much of it and he started talking about reading the local area update on it. I do the same thing so that was that.

Around half an hour later I just said we should connect on Facebook and Instagram as it feels a bit strange not to. He then went into detail about how he doesn’t use it, why would I want to do that and he’s a private person etc. He basically refused to connect with me. This then made me feel confused and upset (I realise that sounds like I’m a 13 year old!). But something in me just switched and I asked him to leave. He said he didn’t want to but eventually did.

I haven’t heard from him since. Thoughts?

OP posts:
gannett · 05/10/2025 09:14

childofthe607080s · 05/10/2025 09:03

But why not if asked ?

i dont use it much
i still want to connect
….why would you not - what is the cost ?

Show quote history

Because when you connect to one person in your social circle, the algorithm suggests you to the people they're connected to. Then the friend requests, messages etc start to come in. Then you have to explain to all these people that you don't want to interact with anyone in your personal life on social media. Which is the problem you were trying to avoid in the first place.

The question is more... why would you ask? If your partner has a token account that they use for logistical reasons why would you feel any need to connect to it? What's the point?

ExtraOnions · 05/10/2025 09:14

I’m not connected with my husband on SM …I don’t follow any of my family (and they don’t follow me) on IG - we have a family WhatsApp for stuff we might want to share.

I don’t want my husband to see everything I post, it’s just daft stuff really.. things I’ve baked etc. he doesn’t post anything, just looks at stuff about his hobby.

I think it’s an odd thing to end a relationship over

gannett · 05/10/2025 09:20

ExtraOnions · 05/10/2025 09:14

I’m not connected with my husband on SM …I don’t follow any of my family (and they don’t follow me) on IG - we have a family WhatsApp for stuff we might want to share.

I don’t want my husband to see everything I post, it’s just daft stuff really.. things I’ve baked etc. he doesn’t post anything, just looks at stuff about his hobby.

I think it’s an odd thing to end a relationship over

Yeah I know a couple like this. They both had Twitter accounts but his feed was full of US politics and hers was knee-deep in the fanfic community. They would have both found it quite jarring to see each other's posts in the middle of the particular interest they were actually on it for.

Owly11 · 05/10/2025 09:27

He is 100% hiding something.

Coffeetime25 · 05/10/2025 09:30

you ended this over social media what age are you seriously are you sure you are ready for a grown up relationship

MissDoubleU · 05/10/2025 09:34

WallLight · 04/10/2025 21:34

You ended an otherwise happy three year relationship because he wouldn’t let you see his Instagram?

Reframe this. He walked out on his loving partner of 3 years whom he was happy with rather than show her his own instagram/facebook that he pretended all these years he didn’t actually have.

He’s very obviously hiding something.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/10/2025 09:37

MissDoubleU · 05/10/2025 09:34

Reframe this. He walked out on his loving partner of 3 years whom he was happy with rather than show her his own instagram/facebook that he pretended all these years he didn’t actually have.

He’s very obviously hiding something.

Show quote history

Exactly this. You did the right thing op. He is 100% hiding something.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 09:38

winter8090 · 05/10/2025 06:18

But you have an explanation which is completely understandable.

Show quote history

So does he, he doesn't really use it.

Sera1989 · 05/10/2025 09:51

I can see both sides. I don’t use or look at social media but I do have profiles. It would be pointless for me to add friends or family because I won’t see their posts and I see them in real life.
On the other hand, it’s a 2 second thing to accept a friend request and doesn’t actually affect anything. I had a boyfriend years ago who only added me after several years and was generally quite non committal and that hurt, but I wasn’t happy in the relationship anyway.

Ending things over this could be seen as a bit of an overreaction, but it’s clearly triggered something for you. Were you unhappy in the relationship? Lack of effort, or maybe some suspicion? Have you been cheated on previously?

MissDoubleU · 05/10/2025 09:53

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 09:38

So does he, he doesn't really use it.

Show quote history

No, he said he didn’t have it at all and then refused to show her or share his profile/add her/connect it with hers when she found out he in fact did have it.

I wonder who he does have? Other friends, family? But not his girlfriend of 3 years?

He doubled down and refused to show her - if it was an empty unused profile why not just say “look, it’s got nothing to see I only use it to check this specific group.” ?

We always tell women to trust their instincts on here. Always. When a woman comes on and says her instincts told her she was being lied to, deceived and that she felt belittled, that she trusted her feelings and asked this man to leave her home. What? we make her feel shit and belittle her further?? I’m not having that.

autienotnaughty · 05/10/2025 09:55

It would feel like he doesn’t want to acknowledge the relationship publicly so yes I would be upset.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 09:57

MissDoubleU · 05/10/2025 09:53

No, he said he didn’t have it at all and then refused to show her or share his profile/add her/connect it with hers when she found out he in fact did have it.

I wonder who he does have? Other friends, family? But not his girlfriend of 3 years?

He doubled down and refused to show her - if it was an empty unused profile why not just say “look, it’s got nothing to see I only use it to check this specific group.” ?

We always tell women to trust their instincts on here. Always. When a woman comes on and says her instincts told her she was being lied to, deceived and that she felt belittled, that she trusted her feelings and asked this man to leave her home. What? we make her feel shit and belittle her further?? I’m not having that.

Show quote history

I would also say I don't have SM at all, because I don't really. I would be pretty pissed off if dp started demanding to see it as well because he didn't trust I was on there looking at local stuff occasionally.

I didnt do anything to make op feel like shit, I said if op has other suspicions about his behaviour then fair enough, if it's just this, then I do think it's daft.

gannett · 05/10/2025 10:00

MissDoubleU · 05/10/2025 09:53

No, he said he didn’t have it at all and then refused to show her or share his profile/add her/connect it with hers when she found out he in fact did have it.

I wonder who he does have? Other friends, family? But not his girlfriend of 3 years?

He doubled down and refused to show her - if it was an empty unused profile why not just say “look, it’s got nothing to see I only use it to check this specific group.” ?

We always tell women to trust their instincts on here. Always. When a woman comes on and says her instincts told her she was being lied to, deceived and that she felt belittled, that she trusted her feelings and asked this man to leave her home. What? we make her feel shit and belittle her further?? I’m not having that.

Show quote history

Deceived? Belittled? It's just social media.

In 13 years DP has never asked to see my social media nor interrogated me about what I use (or don't use) it for. I've never offered to show him. It's of such minuscule importance in the grander scheme of the relationship. Maybe if he didn't trust me he'd ask? But then the relationship wouldn't exist in that case.

Sparkletastic · 05/10/2025 10:01

It’s an odd thing for your DP to take a stand on. I don’t blame you for feeling rejected OP.

Original poster
Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:01

Sorry to clarify he did show me the accounts and let me scroll through (I didn’t ask to do this) but then he didn’t want to actually connect with me.

All that tells me is he doesn’t want to run the risk of me posting something and tagging him etc so presumably is hiding me from others. No idea why. Very hurtful.

OP posts:
WallLight · 05/10/2025 10:07

Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:01

Sorry to clarify he did show me the accounts and let me scroll through (I didn’t ask to do this) but then he didn’t want to actually connect with me.

All that tells me is he doesn’t want to run the risk of me posting something and tagging him etc so presumably is hiding me from others. No idea why. Very hurtful.

But you’ve been together for three years — presumably you know his family and friends! From whom would he be hiding you?

Original poster
Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:08

WallLight · 05/10/2025 10:07

But you’ve been together for three years — presumably you know his family and friends! From whom would he be hiding you?

Show quote history

@WallLight yes I’ve met his family and friends. I agree with what you’re saying but equally… why not let us connect on there? It just doesn’t make sense.

OP posts:
Iloveeverycat · 05/10/2025 10:09

He did have an account then.

WallLight · 05/10/2025 10:12

Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:08

@WallLight yes I’ve met his family and friends. I agree with what you’re saying but equally… why not let us connect on there? It just doesn’t make sense.

Show quote history

But you asked him that, presumably — what did he say?

Phobiaphobic · 05/10/2025 10:12

YANBU for ending a relationship with someone who is clearly gaslighting you.

CopperWhite · 05/10/2025 10:13

So it is clear that he is not hiding anything, he just doesn’t want to connect with people on his sm.

Why is it so important to you that he does? He can’t hide you from other people he’s not connected to. If he was active on SM I’d see your point, but he’s not. This is just about you want to control how he is Ines something that is nothing to do with you. His choices about SM are not a reflection of how he feels about you. I don’t understand why you would make it all about you when being inactive on social media but still using it to be nosey is a complete non event.

You want him do something completely meaningless that he doesn’t want to and as he won’t do it you end your entire relationship. That sounds like hes had a lucky escape from being controlled and manipulated because you are refusing to listen to his explanation.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 05/10/2025 10:14

Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:08

@WallLight yes I’ve met his family and friends. I agree with what you’re saying but equally… why not let us connect on there? It just doesn’t make sense.

Show quote history

What reason did he give?

TwistedWonder · 05/10/2025 10:15

I’ve never understood why people want to be fb friends with their partners tbh. Surely you just speak to them? Why do you need to follow each other in SM?

In this case however it’s the lying that’s the issue and that would bother me

Original poster
Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:15

WallLight · 05/10/2025 10:12

But you asked him that, presumably — what did he say?

Show quote history

@WallLight he said it was because the last time he connected with anyone was 2012 and he doesn’t want to connect with anyone new.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 05/10/2025 10:16

Ubspp · 05/10/2025 10:08

@WallLight yes I’ve met his family and friends. I agree with what you’re saying but equally… why not let us connect on there? It just doesn’t make sense.

Show quote history

It makes sense to him (and he). I’ve never followed anyone I’m in a relationship with on SM - it’s pointless imo.

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