To have ended it over this?

[Ubspp]

I probably am being dramatic.

DP of three years has always said he didn’t use Facebook or Instagram. Tonight I brought dinner in and saw him on it. I said oh are you back on social media then. At this point I didn’t think much of it and he started talking about reading the local area update on it. I do the same thing so that was that.

Around half an hour later I just said we should connect on Facebook and Instagram as it feels a bit strange not to. He then went into detail about how he doesn’t use it, why would I want to do that and he’s a private person etc. He basically refused to connect with me. This then made me feel confused and upset (I realise that sounds like I’m a 13 year old!). But something in me just switched and I asked him to leave. He said he didn’t want to but eventually did.

I haven’t heard from him since. Thoughts?

That’s what I do too, and will connect with people when it matters to them. It seems to matter a lot to some people and I find it a bit strange. Connect with me if you must but there is nothing to see so what’s the point?

I mean if he didn’t want to connect with you on there then fine, but would need to explain why it’s a big deal and why lie that he hasn’t got them. That’s just odd and super childish.

Funnily enough me and dp used to argue over FB a bit because he had a tendency of taking me off if we fell out 😂. Now he’s come off completely and I’m happily on there on my own and don’t have or post anything about a relationship etc on there.

Don't sweat it but call him out for fibbing … there’s no need.

He’s obviously following a bunch of women half his age. Shifty AF! It’s not that he doesn’t go on it, it’s that he doesn’t want you privy to what he goes on it to look at…

I'd find that so strange and suspicious that I think I'd have ended it, too. There's no reason for him to be okay friending other people but not his partner of three years. In the grand scheme of things, it might not matter, but it's not the kind of relationship I'd want. It was so easy for him to acquiesce that his stubborn refusal feels like a red flag. I'd suspect he was doing something he didn't want me to see, was somehow ashamed of me or hiding our relationship, or was just kind of a jerk.

What legitimate reason would he have for not adding her?

What if he didn’t want her to see what was already there?

I think it’s very odd that he won’t add you. That says he’s hiding something - or hiding you because he is hedging his bets in case someone appears to whom he wants to commit publicly.

People getting their knickers in a twist about social media and using that to have a go at you like it's in any way unusual to call someone out who lied!

It's not the fact it's Facebook, it's the fact he lied, consistently and for a long time, and when caught out tried to come up with a story that OP might swallow.

He's hiding something, who knows what.

But you have an explanation which is completely understandable.

He either wants to hide your relationship from someone or is hiding something from you. Yes it's only Facebook but it's very telling he's refused. I think you did the right thing.

I dont think its shifty at all.
If your partner hasn't really used social media for a few years it likely he's outgrown making personal updates. I did, and I really wouldn't want random people from 3 years ago knowing my relationship status.
I get how sm is a lovely way to keep family and friends updated but if he hasn't been using it in this way for a number of years it's quite possible he has contacts from back in the day he can't even remember.

Did he deny it was facebook? Or did he admit it was but says he doesn't use it. Only reason I ask is because LinkedIn looks just like facebook at a glance

I am only on fb for my local page and a page relating to a medical condition I have. I have a false name and no friends added - not even my partner who I see every day. I really can’t see why it’s so important that he adds you as a friend?
is it that you think he is being deceitful and using it to contact other women?

Depends on whether he's using FB to connect with anyone else surely?

I tell everyone in my life I don't use Instagram. I have an Instagram account but only because I need to monitor a few feeds related to my work and having an account makes it easier. I don't follow anyone and my actual page is blank. I think some friends follow me, they must have been notified when I signed up.

I think a lot of people have these "shell" accounts on social media that they can use to follow a few non-personal accounts without getting sucked into having to engage with the platform. If that's the case it's totally natural that firstly, he said he didn't use it and secondly, he doesn't want to connect with you or anyone else on it.

If he's actually connected to other people in his personal life on it then that's a different matter.

But it's not necessarily a lie. I've always said I'm not on Instagram even though I technically have an account because I don't actually use it, and I don't want to use it.

I also still have a FB account even though I haven't posted since the pandemic.

In both cases it's not really a social media platform for me, just something that makes life a bit easier every so often when I need to book a restaurant through one of them or someone occasionally sets up an event via FB (still! in 2025!). They're purely for logistics and work.

I am not on the social media platforms like IG, Facebook or Tiktok. I do have Mumsnet obviously and youtube.

When I say, "I'm not on Facebook, IG or Tiktok, I mean I don't have an account". If I had an account but didn't connect with anyone on there, I'd just say that.

I think you are being misleading, intentionally or not, when you say you are "not on there" when you have an account. But that's your business and I understand why you'd do it. But would you refuse to connect with your longterm partner if they saw you using it, and with no explanation?

Argh quotation fail 😫

When i say "I am not on Facebook..." I mean I do not have an account.

It's moot as DP is even more of a social media refusenik than me. I would refuse to connect to him on his hypothetical Insta because I want to keep everything personal about me off that platform. I don't want to start popping up in his friends' suggested friends just because I've connected with him (which would have no purpose as I don't actually use it to follow anyone in my personal life).

For all I know he has similar accounts despite being a social media holdout when I met him. There are so many random things that having a social media account facilitates these days.

Definitely this. How much time do you spend together? Does he have time to have another relationship on the go?

I manage fine without using those sociak media platforms at all, but if I didn't, I'd just say so instead of pretending, but whatever

The point is that if you say you do use them, people naturally want to connect on them. Which is not what I use them for, nor do I want to.

My OH has an Instagram account simply to see our kid’s new business’s posts, cos they’re fun. Never posts there. Isn’t connected to me there. Has no real interest in Social Media. If I suggested we connect there, the response would be, ’Why? We see each other every day.’

Which is a perfectly valid point.

It’s not obligatory to be active on SM. And not suspicious to want to avoid connections there.

I suppose it’s possible there’s a sexting orgy going on, to which I have not been invited. But then the problem’s not Instagram, is it?

That's fine, but it is despite you asserting the opposite, "technically" a bit of a lie. A "white lie" maybe to spare people's feelings when you don't want to interact with them. It isn't a massive deal, but it is a little lie.

I don't lie about it. Just in case anyone reading thinks "I'm not on Facebook" is an unspoken code for "I'm on there, just not to socialise". It absolutely isn't.

It matters to me a bit, as if I start discussing politics or current events with someone, I like to know if they're likely to start spouting some crap they've heard on tiktok 😂.

But why not if asked ?

i dont use it much
i still want to connect
….why would you not - what is the cost ?

I know people who just use Facebook for the local pages, they don't have any friends and they wouldn't connect with people on there. Nothing dodgy they just don't use social media but sometimes local groups know about stuff going on like roadworks etc.

The cost, I think, is time and expectation. When you’re connected on SM, you’re expected to read, react, contribute. It’s what it’s for. That’s the ‘contract’ you make with people you’re connected to.

I’ve left groups, and actually taken long breaks from entire platforms, because I didn’t feel that the time and attention I was putting in was worth it.

So the question, I’d say, isn’t ‘what’s the cost?’ It’s ‘what’s the benefit?’