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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In wanting to go and see my friends who live down south?

95 replies

LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:28

I really want to take DD to see my friends who moved to Eastbourne a few years ago.
DP won't go cos we went last year and he's a "been there done that" kinda person.

So I asked if I could go with DD. I was gonna go down for 2 nights (which friend has offered to put us up for) and it'll be while he's working anyway.

He works nights (10 -7) and normally sleeps 11-9 anyway.

He says that he'll miss us and doesn't want an empty house so when I say come with us he just sneers and refuses.

OP posts:
detoxdiva · 03/06/2008 21:33

Sounds like he needs to grow up - how old is he ffs? Surely he can manage for 2 days on his own??

Go and visit your friends

yanbu

Walnutshell · 03/06/2008 21:35

you asked if you could go??

he sleeps a lot

Original poster
LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:35

I want him to come with me more than anything. BUT i really wanna show off my DD.

He's the elder in the family. I'm 23 he's 33. lol

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:36

Yeh we always ask to do stuff. Although he told me he was going out next thursday. Which I spose isn't on the same level but.....

We've had a discussion about the amount he sleeps. lol

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 03/06/2008 21:37

When DW offers to take the kids away to her parents' for the weekend and leave me alone, I'm the one hustling them out of the door and gleefully waving them off. I love having the house to myself.

Walnutshell · 03/06/2008 21:38

I'm 33 so send him over and I'll give him the required talking-to that you obviously haven't!

2point4kids · 03/06/2008 21:39

Dont ask him, tell him you are going to visit your friends and that you'd love him to come. If he doesnt want to then its his loss.

Does he never go anywhere with his friends without you?

Mutt · 03/06/2008 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmugColditz · 03/06/2008 21:39

Why are you asking him?

2point4kids · 03/06/2008 21:40

So tell him that you'll be lonely on Thursday and that he must stay at home instead... he'll soon get the idea!

Mutt · 03/06/2008 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:41

No - we don't really have many friends. I have friends that I pop to have lunch with (out the house for about 3hrs while he's sleeping)

He doesn't have anyone he speaks to outside of work (oh sorry) apart from one guy he is going drinking with on thursday. His life literally revolves around work.

UD - That's what I thought he'd do.
WS - Ok what time can you see him! lol

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 03/06/2008 21:41

Asking only works as a polite way of letting him know what you will be doing. If he is expecting to be asked with the notion of being able to stop you going, he has the wrong idea about how a relationship actually works. I suggest you tell him you are going, and when you will be coming back.

Original poster
LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:42

So do you all deal with things like this in the same way?

I assumed I'm meant to ask things like that.

unquiet dad do you ask your DW and vice versa? (man's point of view)

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 03/06/2008 21:44

No, we don't ask - we consult.

SmugColditz · 03/06/2008 21:44

He's your husband or partner, not your dad. Why would you need to ask him if you can take your children out of the house? You are not a console for his entertainment, you are not a domestic servant, you are not a concubine. You are a person and you have the right to a social life, especially as you are taking your chid with you and this will impact on his own freedom not one jot.

detoxdiva · 03/06/2008 21:48

Me and dh 'ask' each other, but it's out of respect rather than seeking 'permission'. If dh didn't want to come with me to visit my friends I'd be a bit annoyed, but he'd never say I couldn't go

2point4kids · 03/06/2008 21:49

imo you only need to 'ask' if you are planning on going away on your own and it will involve your partner looking after the children. ie asking them if they have other plans to be taken into account before you confirm.
Other than that situation we tend to say 'do you mind if I go to x on x day?' as a courtesy only really... dont expect anything other than a 'yes of course, thats fine' in return.

Original poster
LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:49

I dunno - its just a way we have done things. Or I have done things.

I didn't ask as such. I said "would you mind if I took DD down south to see ....."

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 03/06/2008 21:49

you're meant to say "this is what I'm doing is that okay" in case there is a proper reason why not

admissable reasons would be something like "I have a rare condition where I set myself on fire and must have you standing over me in my sleep at all times with a fire extinguisher in case I spontaneously combust"

not "I don't like an empty house" ffs

that is why you don't leave a 7 year old on his own, not a 33 year old

it sounds to me like he is really taking advantage of the age difference in this relationship

2point4kids · 03/06/2008 21:51

Actually to be honest if its a day when DH is working and I wanted to take the DCs somewhere I wouldnt even say 'do you mind?'
I'd say 'We're going to visit x on friday!' and he'd say 'oh that sounds nice, say hi from me!'

Original poster
LuckySalem · 03/06/2008 21:51

I've never really noticed tbh, it's just how things have been done. I think i've prob never noticed cos I've always got my own way.

OP posts:
clam · 03/06/2008 21:52

I might "ask" as a sort of courtesy, as in "is it OK if I'm out on Thursday night, or do you have something planned too?" And DH would do the same. "Can I play squash on Saturday?" Meaning: have we got anything else on? In no way is that asking permission, but prompts a discussion about how to organise the kids etc..
Anyway, YANBU. Does he really expect you to sit at home and miss out on a nice trip to see friends, just so he doesn't have to come home to an empty house?

GreenElizabeth · 03/06/2008 21:54

He doesn't care if you lose touch with your friends, but he can't even tolerate an empty house for one weekend? He sounds a bit selfish and a bit controlling too.

cheeset · 03/06/2008 21:55

I think he rely's on you. All work and no play. This really is his own problem but I wouldn't be too hard on him. Tell him you are going and maybe pop some of his favourite food in the fridge. Treat him like a child because he is acting like one.