In wanting to go and see my friends who live down south?

[LuckySalem]

I really want to take DD to see my friends who moved to Eastbourne a few years ago.
DP won't go cos we went last year and he's a "been there done that" kinda person.

So I asked if I could go with DD. I was gonna go down for 2 nights (which friend has offered to put us up for) and it'll be while he's working anyway.

He works nights (10 -7) and normally sleeps 11-9 anyway.

He says that he'll miss us and doesn't want an empty house so when I say come with us he just sneers and refuses.

I'm afraid he's a bully.

Without trying to patronise, and as someone with a similar age gap, you may not be seeing his behaviour for what it is because of your age.

His behaviour is not normal.

Do you not have the confidence to 'defy' him?

If you brush this kind of behaviour aside, it will catch up with you some day...

I don't think he's a bully. We're just so used to things being done 50/50 and my idea of 50/50 is checking things by him. I'll admit I kinda expected him to say "i'll come with you" instead. So was shocked at "yes, I would be upset cos I'd miss you both" but just accepted it.

However, he's booked a week off at the same time as my parents are away so we couldn't both go then cos my parent's normally have the cats and couldn't this time. I suggested we went first thing on a weds and came back fri afternoon - which isn't THAT practical (we wouldn't get back till 12 and he'd need to be in work at 10) so again excepted that that was a no too.

I just miss them and want to show DD off to them.
I think if we agreed i'd go then I'd take the car anyway cos the only other way I can see to go is on national express but Id have a bag, travel cot & pram so not practical for me.

I'm really worried I've shown him in a bad light now. He's not bad you know.

Of course he's not bad, really bad men are in jail or on their way there. But he is not being fair, and I do hope you realise it. It could be he doesn't even realise it himself.

YANBU. It's a perfectly reasonable thing for you to want to visit your friends. You should just go, and in the car, and have a lovely time too.

He is abit slow at realising when he's offending or upsetting. He didn't do much with DD when she was first born and I had to literally spell it out to him for him to get he wasn't being fair and is now brilliant with her (when he's up - lol)

I've kinda made up my mind that i'm going. Just need to find how to explain it to him in a way that doesn't require a no, just a "I don't have anything else planned"

If you can, what you have to do is to "tell" him your plans without too much in the way of asking or explaining. Assert yourself.

You don't have to explain it to him.

It doesn't matter if he has planned things, he can still go and do it.

Just tell him cheerfully and non-apologetically, "I am taking DD down to see on so you'll have to work your own transport out."

That's it. You're not his mother, you're not responsible for his entertainment.

OK - i'l try that then. but if I come back and post in the relationship part then you best watch out!! lol

Seriously though, thanks guys.

I wasn't sure if I was being mean taking his daughter away from him. I don't spose the fact that she's 5 months makes any difference does it?

Well he might not like it, but you are right to make that decision and to go to Eastbourne.
Good luck.

He's free to come with you and he doesn't miss her so much he wants to do that. You are allowed to leave the house.

My dh has just come back from a weekend away. When I say weekend, he left here at 10pm on Thursday night & arrived home at 7am on Sunday morning. He slept for 3 hours on Sunday morning as his boat was an o/nighter & he didn't get much sleep.

He asked me on Sunday night where I fancied going for my weekend or would I rather have a massage/treatment thingy at a place he sent me for my last birthday!

You shouldn't have to ask your dh if you're 'allowed' to visit friends.

My dh is working nights this week too. He started last night at 9pm & came home this morning at 5.30am. He then got up at 11.45 in time to get ds @ playgroup. He did the same yesterday morning.... no-one needs the amount of sleep your dh seems to be getting!!

The fact that she's 5 months & he works night shifts probably means that you deserve a weekend away with friends even more!! The only difference is that I would arrange it for a time he is off work & able to mind dd!!

He says he doesn't get that much sleep. He goes to bed at say 10, reckons he falls asleep about 11 and then gets woken up during the day by DD yelling, kids walking past etc etc, so he says he gets about 7 hrs kip.

I've already spoken to him about this and his argument is that it's different for him cos he's on permanent nights and me asking him to get up at say 5 (which I frequently do as 10-5 seems reasonable) is like asking me to get up at 5am

you are not joined at the hip.you must show your lo off and visit your friend in eastbourne. if you arrange perhaps he will come anyway?

Nights are horrible. He should go to bed a LOT earlier - aas soon as he gets in. Do not eat anything remotely like breakfast, as this tells your body it's time to get up!

If he's getting in at about 7.15, he could go staight to bed, get up at 4.15 and he's had 9 hours sleep. Why doesn't he do that?

He can't cope like that. He comes in and needs time to wind down. So he'll come in and have dinner, then watch a bit of tv then go bed.

Well, why are his needs more important than yours?

You spend every day working round his needs, and he's objecting to you taking your baby to go and see your friends?

You need to see your friends, you have needs too, you aren't a need-fulfilling machine!

he gets to sleep that much because you're looking after his daughter for him. He shouldn't start arsing off about where you choose to do it.

can't you remind him Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
or something

Colditz - It's horrid reading it in black and white. makes me see things I think i'm trying not to see.

Anyways Im off to bed now. LO will be up at 5 so best cram some sleep in quick! lol

He will have dinner at breakfast time?

I really do think he's being terribly unfair. You are, to all intents and purposes a single mum. He works & sleeps... most people have a few hours a day when they see their partner & kids. Even dh & I who both work full time manage to spend a few hours in the evening with the kids.

He can learn to go to bed as soon as he comes home. Are you up when he gets in?

ps Lucky i get up at 5

You go to him with a problem and he argues his own case straight backatya!

You say he didn't do an awful lot when you had your DC1. ARe you putting off having a dc2 because you know in your heart of hearts that everything will be left to you and the whole relationship will come tumbling down like a house of cards????????????