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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seeing people with my baby boy without my partner

90 replies

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 16:15

Hi,

My partner doesn't want me to take our baby boy to see friends/family without her. Our son is 9 months old and healthy.

She says that it is 'nothing personal' and that she feels the same with everyone e.g. doesn't allow her twin sister to have him unsupervised, but I feel that as his father, I have a right to take him to see my family without her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

laurini · 03/10/2025 16:17

Do you look after him competently and alone regularly? If so, i think this is strange.

cardibach · 03/10/2025 16:18

It’s not really about rights. It’s about working out something you are both comfortable with. Point out that you aren't going to leave him unsupervised either? You, a parent, will be there. It seems a bit OTT on the face of it, but you need to talk about it and work it out. Post pregnancy hormones continue to affect emotions for quite some time after birth, so bear that in mind too.

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 16:23

Just say you'll be taking baby here or there, get him completely ready with all he needs and head out. You don't need her permission and you've set things up in a way that has made that the status quo.

MidnightPatrol · 03/10/2025 16:23

What is she worried about exactly?

Do you care for him ‘unsupervised’ at all?

Either way, she is being unreasonable.

Lelophants · 03/10/2025 16:23

Do you mean visit family with him or leave him with family.
Very different things.

Abominableday · 03/10/2025 16:25

Well are you good at looking after him? Does she have any reason to think you would forget to change/feed/comfort the child?
is there something about your relatives she might be concerned about - smoking, dogs, that kind of thing?

Coconutter24 · 03/10/2025 16:27

Has she given a reason other than it’s nothing personal? Is she usually over protective?

JadziaD · 03/10/2025 16:31

Unless she's still breastfeeding or has some significant mental health issues, or there's more to this story in terms of how reliable you are as a carer, this is a ridiculous attitude.

I do understand it - we have a lot of hormones post birth - but in my opinion, a mother who refuses to allow the father (assuming he's competent etc) to look after the chld alone or who doesn't trust the father to be with the baby alone, is setting herself up for a life of disappointment. I personally do not understand why you would have a baby with a man you don't feel can look after your child.

is it just that she doesn't want to be away from teh baby? Does she not trust you? Does she not trust your family?

For the record, I went back to work when DS was 7 months and DH was the primary carer.

Bluebottlerecycling · 03/10/2025 16:31

Does she mean she doesn’t want you to leave her behind?

Or does she mean if she’s already gone out somewhere and left you in charge she doesn’t want you to go anywhere?

Because they aren't the same thing

As far as your “rights” are concerned, what’s important are what’s best for the baby.

A 9 months old, having their Mum nearby as much as possible is best for baby.

noidea69 · 03/10/2025 16:34

Sounds very controlling.

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 16:34

Bluebottlerecycling · 03/10/2025 16:31

Does she mean she doesn’t want you to leave her behind?

Or does she mean if she’s already gone out somewhere and left you in charge she doesn’t want you to go anywhere?

Because they aren't the same thing

As far as your “rights” are concerned, what’s important are what’s best for the baby.

A 9 months old, having their Mum nearby as much as possible is best for baby.

Edited

The kids of us working mothers are fucked then, eh?

jonthebatiste · 03/10/2025 16:39

What’s her reason?

Sassylovesbooks · 03/10/2025 16:39

You are your son's Dad, and therefore are as much as a parent as your partner is. Do you look after your son on your own? Or will your partner not allow you to do this?! Taking your child to visit family/friends, with you being there to supervise is vastly different from dropping him off and leaving him with family/friends, to look after. I would be concerned that your partner may be over anxious, and that could possibly be a sign of post-natal depression. Do you look after your son, whilst your partner is in the house? Feeding, nappy changing, settling etc. Are you able to do this without her being there in the background, or do you feel you're being 'supervised'? Do you feel that she doesn't trust you to look after your son? I think you need a calm and gentle conversation with her, because her feelings, although valid, are not normal. There's no reason why you can't look after your own son or take him out without her, regardless if you're visiting someone or not.

lnks · 03/10/2025 16:42

Do you mean for a few hours or overnight stays with friends and family. Is she breast feeding?

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/10/2025 16:44

Bluebottlerecycling · 03/10/2025 16:31

Does she mean she doesn’t want you to leave her behind?

Or does she mean if she’s already gone out somewhere and left you in charge she doesn’t want you to go anywhere?

Because they aren't the same thing

As far as your “rights” are concerned, what’s important are what’s best for the baby.

A 9 months old, having their Mum nearby as much as possible is best for baby.

Edited

I agree that what’s best for the baby is the most important thing. But I firmly disagree that a dad taking a 9 month old out for a couple of hours to see his parents is not in the baby’s best interests (assuming the dad and grandparents are all responsible people with whom the baby will be safe and well cared for)

InTheMountainsThere · 03/10/2025 16:48

For an hour or for a week? Your post could be read in both ways. Do you want to take him hundreds of miles away/ overseas? Or just half an hour's drive away?

If it's an overnight or more - have you looked after him alone for long periods nearer home? Would you be okay with her taking him the same distance away without you?

Also - if it's not just for an hour or so - why do you specifically not want her to go too?

Anywherebuthere · 03/10/2025 16:53

Is there a backstory to this?

If you are normally a competent hands on parent then she shouldn't be dictating where you can and can't take your child. And she should be able to take the child where she wants .

If you are a 'Disney type parent' and not around to put in the full effort that goes into parenting, then I'd have reservations about it too.

Skybluepinky · 03/10/2025 16:55

Sounds like her mental health is rock bottom and needs help.

Original poster

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 17:05

Just to clarify, I do regularly take care of him unsupervised. Usually an hour or so most mornings, sometimes in our flat and sometimes out and about.

Although, by her own admission it's nothing personal i.e. her desire for me not to take him to see other people is not related to how I am as a parent.

OP posts:

QuickPeachPoet · 03/10/2025 17:06

Stop pandering to her. Tell her what you are going to be doing rather than creep round her. Your son is YOUR child too and she sounds really controlling.
Time for her to get back to work by the sound of it.

Owly11 · 03/10/2025 17:10

What does going to see your family involve? Are they local? On the other side of the world? Is there a reason she’s not coming with you? There’s an absence of context around the question making it impossible to answer.

lnks · 03/10/2025 17:10

Is she breast feeding?

Do you mean to take your child for a few hours or overnight stays?

userwhat632 · 03/10/2025 17:14

there’s something she’s not happy about. Eg she doesn’t trust you to supervise properly when you’re distracted or she doesn’t like a certain relative. Is she breast feeding? 9 months is young and mother will be full of protective instincts. I think it’s unreasonable to try get validation from strangers when you should be addressing what she’s unhappy with

sandyhappypeople · 03/10/2025 17:15

YANBU but if she doesn't mind you taking him here there and everywhere by yourself as a general rule then it is obviously other people that she doesn't trust.

Does she have specific boundaries with regards to your child that she doesn't think you will enforce without her there? Does she think your family will take over childcare when she isn't there and do something that she disapproves of? Has she got a valid reason to be concerned?

If she can't be honest with you about what the problem actually is, or if she won't admit what it is because it is obviously OTT, then I'd be putting my foot down and doing it anyway to be honest!

Tagliateriroa · 03/10/2025 17:17

Is this a reverse to the thread last week from the woman who didn’t want her partner to take her 9 month old to visit his parents alone. Have you posted it in the hope people will say it’s perfectly reasonable for him not to have the baby alone. The answer is, yes it’s fine for you to take your baby to your mums

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