Seeing people with my baby boy without my partner

[joelm1776]

Hi,

My partner doesn't want me to take our baby boy to see friends/family without her. Our son is 9 months old and healthy.

She says that it is 'nothing personal' and that she feels the same with everyone e.g. doesn't allow her twin sister to have him unsupervised, but I feel that as his father, I have a right to take him to see my family without her.

Am I being unreasonable?

She’s nuts.

and if you were a woman posting about a man everyone would be encouraging you to LTB and seek help from
womens aid.

She could be very anxtious and dealing with internal mental health issues. It took me about 9 months to finally admit to anyone what I was thinking and that how I was thinking wasnt normal. I had PND. Not saying your wife has this but being over anxtious could mean something is manifesting. Support her and try and find a way to help her work through it.

Sounds like mom doesn’t want to miss first- first words, first foods, first steps, first visit to the zoo, things like that. She also may not trust people to care for him in the way that she prefers, e.g., give baby unapproved foods. Have a talk.

Sounds odd, and controlling. Are you talking about visit for the afternoon vs a trip abroad for a week?

Especially at 9 months (could understand as a breastfed newborn), although even at 2 days old my DH took DS (between feeds) to meet his grandma whilst I slept.

Give her more time, she'll get less anxious with time and as baby grows ❤️

Tell her who she isn’t allowed to see and what she isn’t allowed to do without you there and see how that goes down.

She’s probably just being anxious, but if she parents through anxiety then your child will end up a nervous wreck. She needs to see how ridiculous she is being.

Why do you only care for your own child for an hour a day??? There are 168 hours in a week.

If this is true I imagine she doesn't let him. She needs medical help, it's not normal to be that Controlling. There's anxiety and then there's bonkers.

Chicken and egg though, which comes first - she doesn't want him to mind the baby or she doesn't have confidence that he can mind the baby.

Or he can’t be arsed to learn how to look after a baby or do even a fraction of the work

Just because this is mn doesn't mean all women are brilliant parents and all men are shit. Some do know what they're about.

But not one who's managed 9 months with a maximum of having his baby alone for only an hour at a time.

Just because you hear a snippet of someone’s life doesn’t mean you can extrapolate into an entirely different situation. For all you know he’s totally oblivious to the child’s needs and his relatives have pinballs and smoke like chimneys.

Might help the situation if his wife explained her reasons otherwise we're all just guessing.

Oh yes take the baby from a clearly stressed or anxious mum without any attempt to work with them.

I was this mum, I found it really difficult to let anyone have our son even my husband and would have hated the idea of him taking him without me to see his family at that age. He’s a great dad (and husband!) and was understanding of my anxiety so never pushed me and now at 20 months I would be ok. I totally get posters saying the dad has every right it’s his baby etc but mums go through so many hormonal changes and at 9 months it can still feel way too soon to be separated, as pp said the baby was part of her for 9 months; I would panic about a momentarily distraction that ended in him falling off the sofa/a dog knocking him over/a dog bite/him falling down the stairs/the door being left open and him somehow getting outside honestly the list was endless and largely unrealistic. It’s not always rational but if you work together it can get better, we started with DH taking DS out for a walk weekend mornings and just built up from there but not listening to her concerns or insisting will just mean your partner is stressed and more anxious which isn’t good for anyone.

On the face of it, with the information we have, of course YANBU and she is either being very controlling or she needs some help with her anxiety.

Having been on MN a loooooooong time though, this is with the caveat that you haven't forgotten to mention that the family / friends you are visiting are heavy smokers / drug users / alcoholics / abusers of any other substance / have an American pitbull they allow to roam round / or any other sound reason why it isn't a good idea to take a baby there.

I'm thinking there's ALOT more to this story. An hour here and there looking after the baby at home is certainly not the same as taking him out for the day. Also why? Why isn't mum invited along? Surely if she's available and willing it would be better/easier for the baby to have her there too. Unless you're planning on taking him to places or people where mum isn't welcome, which is a whole different situation.

You're just as much his parent as she is and hopefully are perfectly capable of caring for him and travelling safely etc.

However. You didn't have the experience of carrying him inside you as a part of your body for 9 months, giving birth to him, feeding him. Your body and brain aren't flooded with maternal hormones that could start you lactating when you hear a stranger's baby cry. You don't feel the visceral reactions at being separated from him that she does. It is not the same for fathers.

She may become more comfortable with it as time goes on and the more you show how competent and skilled you are at caring for your child.

But for now - why do you WANT to separate her from the baby? What's driving that? Aren't you proud to bring your wife and baby to visit?

I think it’s brilliant that you are seeking advice.

I would tread very carefully. My mental health wasn’t great when my son wasn’t 9 months but also he was my first baby and I didn’t want to be without him. I’m sure she will feel comfortable in time but for now I would sit on the side of caution and you should go together. All the best OP.

It is perfectly natural for mothers to stay with their babies all the time. We’ve adapted over time but it certainly won’t hurt either of them to be together. Why don’t you look after the baby more @joelm1776 ? When does your wife go the Dr, have her hair cut, have a bath, shop for clothes, see friends?

Depends on the details, is it just that she doesn't want to be apart from baby? Does she stay home with baby and so is always with them, or does she work full time and get little time off that she wants to spend together? How long are you planning on taking baby? Why is it that you want to go without her and not go as a family?

Its normal for a mother to want to be where her baby is. A few more months it will be a different story.

Hello! I have an 9 month old who uses me as a climbing frame! In fact I am the climbing frame of choice - all the time so love when husband takes the baby out! He often does, to run errands, get fuel, do shopping (mostly for our collection of animals), watch the local rugby team and to see his friends. Maximise her wake windows.

i hope you two work it out. It’s not normal (if there isn’t a back story here) for her not to allow you to take the baby out on your own.

initial days I was a bit nervous with the buggy/nagivating through London with the buggy/sticking to routes with baby change facilities etc but I have gotten used to it now - could it be just that she knows how challenging it can be sometimes so is trying to be helpful rather controlling?