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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing people with my baby boy without my partner

90 replies

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 16:15

Hi,

My partner doesn't want me to take our baby boy to see friends/family without her. Our son is 9 months old and healthy.

She says that it is 'nothing personal' and that she feels the same with everyone e.g. doesn't allow her twin sister to have him unsupervised, but I feel that as his father, I have a right to take him to see my family without her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FriedFalafels · 03/10/2025 17:18

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 16:15

Hi,

My partner doesn't want me to take our baby boy to see friends/family without her. Our son is 9 months old and healthy.

She says that it is 'nothing personal' and that she feels the same with everyone e.g. doesn't allow her twin sister to have him unsupervised, but I feel that as his father, I have a right to take him to see my family without her.

Am I being unreasonable?

This is just unacceptable controlling behaviour that they need to seek help for. It’s quite different being uncomfortable leaving your child with someone to the other parent taking them out and seeing people

SummerInSun · 03/10/2025 17:19

Bluebottlerecycling · 03/10/2025 16:31

Does she mean she doesn’t want you to leave her behind?

Or does she mean if she’s already gone out somewhere and left you in charge she doesn’t want you to go anywhere?

Because they aren't the same thing

As far as your “rights” are concerned, what’s important are what’s best for the baby.

A 9 months old, having their Mum nearby as much as possible is best for baby.

Edited

That’s ridiculous. Having a someone who loves and cares for them is best, but no reason it has to be the Mum. I went back to work at 9 months and my DH then took 3 months paternity leave with out DS. Wonderful for their relationship and means I have a DH who actually knew from very early how to solo parent his own child, which seems bizarrely rare on Mumsnet.

QuickPeachPoet · 03/10/2025 17:42

SummerInSun · 03/10/2025 17:19

That’s ridiculous. Having a someone who loves and cares for them is best, but no reason it has to be the Mum. I went back to work at 9 months and my DH then took 3 months paternity leave with out DS. Wonderful for their relationship and means I have a DH who actually knew from very early how to solo parent his own child, which seems bizarrely rare on Mumsnet.

Show quote history

We were the exact same. We did shared PL and my DH loved it, as did our child.

Thingyfanding1 · 03/10/2025 17:50

You’re not being unreasonable but at 9 months you can be very anxious about your child still. You’ve carried them for 9 months and it takes a while to feel confident enough to let go and let someone else (even the father) take responsibility. I’d give her a bit more time and hopefully once baby is a bit more robust, she’ll feel more confident.

Abominableday · 03/10/2025 17:51

An hour or so is a tiny amount of time. Prove you can do it for longer

Abominableday · 03/10/2025 17:53

You've not had the baby for an evening so she can go out, or a Saturday afternoon so she can get her hair done, or go to a class or something?

ButSheSaid · 03/10/2025 17:59

Why have you not parented for longer than an hour or so at a time?

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 18:00

ButSheSaid · 03/10/2025 17:59

Why have you not parented for longer than an hour or so at a time?

Maybe she has never let him

ButSheSaid · 03/10/2025 18:14

Adults don't get to 'let' other adults do things though.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/10/2025 18:16

Would she be happy to go and visit your family all together?

Or is she saying that she doesn't want to go and she doesn't want you to take the baby without her either?

DramaLlamacchiato · 03/10/2025 18:18

Unless you’re incompetent or the baby is BF frequently, it seems weird and controlling. I was back at work when both mine were that age so their dad looked after them 2 days a week and basically took them wherever and to see whoever he wanted.

ChillBarrog · 03/10/2025 18:21

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 17:05

Just to clarify, I do regularly take care of him unsupervised. Usually an hour or so most mornings, sometimes in our flat and sometimes out and about.

Although, by her own admission it's nothing personal i.e. her desire for me not to take him to see other people is not related to how I am as a parent.

Why is it then?

pinkyredrose · 03/10/2025 18:21

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 17:05

Just to clarify, I do regularly take care of him unsupervised. Usually an hour or so most mornings, sometimes in our flat and sometimes out and about.

Although, by her own admission it's nothing personal i.e. her desire for me not to take him to see other people is not related to how I am as a parent.

You look after him for a whole hour or so? Doesn’t she trust you?

DramaLlamacchiato · 03/10/2025 18:23

joelm1776 · 03/10/2025 17:05

Just to clarify, I do regularly take care of him unsupervised. Usually an hour or so most mornings, sometimes in our flat and sometimes out and about.

Although, by her own admission it's nothing personal i.e. her desire for me not to take him to see other people is not related to how I am as a parent.

Why only an hour?

Is this your choice or does she stop you doing it for longer?

Meadowfinch · 03/10/2025 18:35

OP, why is your wife so worried? Do you know? What does your family do that frightens her? Is she worried about germs or infection? Does she see you give way to your mother who then does something your wife does not agree with? Do they smoke? Do they have animals? Is their house safe and clean? Remember, her every instinct is to protect her child.

I had the same view, but because my ex-ILs kept trying to feed my 9 month old Pepsi and crisps and other rubbish. They ignored the need for a car seat, they took no heed of basic safety. In the end I took ds and left.

But if you are a normal careful, loving dad, there's no reason why you shouldn't.

How far away are they? How long will it take? And make sure you are back when you say you will be back. You have to build her trust so she stops worrying.

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 19:21

ButSheSaid · 03/10/2025 18:14

Adults don't get to 'let' other adults do things though.

It can be very confusing for men when it comes to their children. Especially babies. They are told they arent allowed a say and must default to the mother or else they ruin the mother-infant dyad. Then they're meant to magically know when and how to step up when it is needed but only in the ways that mum says. Even if they don't work for him.

I've had to tell men that they have the right to remove their child from a situation they deem to be unsafe or unhealthy until someone in authority can make a more objective decision.

I have told new dads that they can put their baby in the buggy and out for a walk when they are inconsolable. Especially if they think that is best for everyone in the moment. They are allowed and it isnt kidnapping even if their partner says no.

These are extreme circumstances, but the men in many of them really didn't understand that they are legally and morally an equal parent. They have as much authority as mum.

Werp · 03/10/2025 19:26

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 19:21

It can be very confusing for men when it comes to their children. Especially babies. They are told they arent allowed a say and must default to the mother or else they ruin the mother-infant dyad. Then they're meant to magically know when and how to step up when it is needed but only in the ways that mum says. Even if they don't work for him.

I've had to tell men that they have the right to remove their child from a situation they deem to be unsafe or unhealthy until someone in authority can make a more objective decision.

I have told new dads that they can put their baby in the buggy and out for a walk when they are inconsolable. Especially if they think that is best for everyone in the moment. They are allowed and it isnt kidnapping even if their partner says no.

These are extreme circumstances, but the men in many of them really didn't understand that they are legally and morally an equal parent. They have as much authority as mum.

Show quote history

You advise men to take an inconsolable baby away from their mother while she is saying not to?

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 19:29

Werp · 03/10/2025 19:26

You advise men to take an inconsolable baby away from their mother while she is saying not to?

Show quote history

Yes, because she is screaming at the baby or otherwise displaying worrying behaviour and the best thing to do would be for the baby to have a change of scene and the mother to have time to reset. You know get the baby away from the adult who is unable to emotionally regulate for their own long term safety? At least temporarily? Good idea, no?

suburberphobe · 03/10/2025 19:30

That’s ridiculous. Having a someone who loves and cares for them is best, but no reason it has to be the Mum. I went back to work at 9 months and my DH then took 3 months paternity leave with out DS. Wonderful for their relationship and means I have a DH who actually knew from very early how to solo parent his own child, which seems bizarrely rare on Mumsnet.

Sounds fab. Wish there were more men like this.

I'm a solo mum - he's an adult now. Sadly his dad left soon after (6 months).
I did it though! Yea!

ApricotCheesecake · 04/10/2025 17:57

How far away are your friends / family?

Blablibladirladada · 04/10/2025 18:41

Ok op…

taking care of baby 1h in the morning is a bit different than taking said baby for a few hours.

What about you take care of him for longer periods? Does she refuse that too? Does she leave baby with no one else? That seems very extreme…
also what is her relationship with people you want to take baby to? How is their house? Living and circumstances?

I am assuming it is baby1. How is she feeling?her mental health? How was she before baby? Any complication at birth?during pregnancy? How is she getting anything done if baby is always with her?

Finding a compromise is key here…for example taking baby for that much time to go and see your parents when they want to BUT not taking care of baby for that much time when she needs to? No assumption, I am just trying to clarify what needs to come cleared up. If you do what is needed then she has some issue that comes from her and you need to figure out what it is…you can’t force it but a resolution is needed yes.

It sounds like there is trauma in there. Defo a backstory.

Blablibladirladada · 04/10/2025 18:50

ButSheSaid · 03/10/2025 18:14

Adults don't get to 'let' other adults do things though.

In a relationship that is called compromises actually.

So yes, adults do get to healthily say no to something. The problem is that it is very unclear why she doesn’t want to.

For example if there was a big dog that they don’t want to put away when baby is here…I’d be on her side. If his mother absolutely tries to give babe some milk in a bottle when she breastfed…I’d be on her side. If she refuses to separate from baby for no reason at all, I’d be on his side.
But I doubt there is NO reason.

Skodacool · 04/10/2025 19:08

Precious firstborn?

JayJayj · 04/10/2025 20:48

It sounds like she could have postnatal anxiety.

I really struggled to leave my baby. I literally started with a 10 minute dog walk.

I was going back to work when she was 11 months old. From 9 months I started leaving her with my mum. An hour the first few times and gradually upped it. I have had severe postnatal depression and anxiety so this was a good compromise.

Iris2020 · 04/10/2025 20:52

If this is true it's majorly controlling if her and potentially the beginning of abusive behaviour. Quite concerning.