My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

[poochuspoochus]

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

He knew that you were learning the language but not how good you were?

To have learned a language and the confidence to use it socially in a short time is amazing but I can also see that he may be quite surprised.

Tell him to go enjoy those first few days of his marriage do It in his wife’s language 😂

It’s very reasonable that it’s on his wedding day as you’d expect his wedding to be full of people who speak his wife’s language- you know, her family and friends?? My brothers wife is from a different country, I speak the language reasonably, the last time I spoke it a LOT was a family wedding on her side with all the friends and family who didn’t speak so much English.

Just nah. She likes languages, she learns languages. You wouldn’t be horrified if the op was a serial marathon runner and had run a marathon in the brothers wife’s country, that’s what serial marathoners do. Language learners too - her sil is in her family now, I’d feel horrifically rude if I didn’t learn some of a sils language.

He is a bit jealous it seems to me. I wouldn't thank him to be able to hold a simple conversation in his partner of seven years language either. Point him to Duolingo!

I totally agree about not tiptoeing around the insecurities of other adults as a rule, except that I think perhaps someone's wedding day is probably one of the few occasions when it is reasonable.

If the couple had got married in a third country and the OP had learnt that country's language and had used it unexpectedly fluently to the native speakers there during the wedding, then I imagine it would have been a non-issue. Demonstrating (however innocently and purely out of a love of languages) for the first time on their wedding day how much better she now speaks her SILs language than her brother does is arguably a bit tactless - not wrong, technically, but tactless (which is why I wonder if feeling pleased with herself may have skewed her judgement slightly).

Of course 😀

Can he speak the language of his wife ? If not I expect he's jealous that you can converse in her home country. Me & DH live overseas and he has a natural ability for languages, speaks 3 now. I have had 4 years of lessons and really struggle. I'm jealous of his natural ability...and incredibly frustrated 😂

Yes - it could be seen as tactless if the brother is known to be insecure about it (can’t remember if the OP has said that he is) and she might well know if he is. Like you say, it depends on how much we should be expected to tiptoe around others’ insecurities. I’ve definitely done it myself in the interest of being tactful (despite thinking it’s ridiculous). Arguably it doesn’t do the insecure person any favours in the long run as it panders to the insecurity, but it could certainly help to keep the peace!

you've shown him up, to his new relatives, to his wife friends and he is really not happy about this put down as he sees it by you.

whether he is correct in his think, I have no idea - but its obviously upset him you knowing and speaking her language better than him

Why?
Would you find it ok if the OP had learnt let’s say French or German rather than … I don’t know roumanian?
Like a well known (and respected) language vs one she is unlikely to ever use

You would feel 'horrifically rude' if you didn't learn your sister-in-law's language?

How incredibly bizarre. I would imagine no-one in real life would make a point of learning their sister in law, or brother-in law's language (if it was a different one to theirs...)

I would be extremely puzzed if I was from a non-English speaking country (living in England) and my husband's brother made a big point of learning MY language, and speaking in it to me and my family at my wedding to his brother/my DH.

It smacks of attention seeking. Really thunder stealing, especially at your brother's wedding. No wonder the OP's brother is pissed off.

Yes, I agree. Although I would say it might be a reasonable working assumption that anyone who doesn't speak their partner's first language would feel insecure about that fact on their wedding day when surrounded by their partner's family! They might not feel at all insecure at other times.

Some other posters on this thread I think would see that insecurity and being shown up as just punishment for him not having succeeded in learning the language yet, or not having been motivated enough. I'm not sure. I think you can want to make someone's wedding be a nice experience for them even if you think they've made bad decisions along the way.

I wouldn't automatically assume the bride herself was that thrilled by her new dh being shown up by his sister speaking the language much better, either. For all we know she had coached him in things to say to her family, and then that ended up looking really unimpressive compared to what his sister was saying.

Tricky waters to navigate kindly IMO, even for the nicest person who has innocently learnt a language.

I’m hideously awful at language acquisition and my dsis is gifted and I can imagine feeling a bit grumpy if I were in your db’s shoes in that entirely unreasonable way we sometimes relate to siblings. I’d cut him some slack if he’s just got married. There’s a weird come down after the big event, but you should feel fulfilled and happy, and your dh doesn’t sound the most self aware person.

Basically it’s a him thing, not a you thing.

I know quite a few couples who have a shared second language but barely get by in each others native language, so I don’t think it’s automatically a given that people do or should learn each others languages.

This.

Tell him you love him and them as a family and that is that. If he wants you out his new married family, tell him that is as easy as telling

It's quite exhausting getting married and the day after is a bit of an anti climax. She probably said: "Your sister is amazing! She was chatting to everyone in almost fluent Mandarin. Everyone loved her and was so touched by the effort she put in." In his deflated and exhausted state he took this as a criticism of his pathetic language skills and sent you a petty and mean minded text text.

I woudl just text back.

Ah sorry, you can't choose your relatives. You'll just have to put up with my weirdness. At least you have a lovely wife now who you did choose x x

Living in a country where pretty much everyone speaks at least 2 languages and many people speak 3-4, I find this thread fascinating. Using a language you have learnt is "attention-seeking" and "showing off"? I think where I live we see it as a communicative tool that is used when and if necessary. If you can speak someone's language, then you speak it. Generally the more languages you speak, the easier it is to learn new ones, so I have no trouble believing the OP could pick this language up without a lot of effort (assuming it isn't something very different from her other languages).

It sounds like you've (unintentionally) embarrassed him by being able to speak to his wife's friends and family in their language more than he can. I do feel for him, it can't be a nice feeling, though he shouldn't have reacted in the way he has.

Yep, some very weird responses.

And once you've picked up Spanish, Italian comes easily.

Yes, I am wondering what the brother's new wife thinks of all this too. Her brother's sibling purposely learning HER language to impress her and her family at the wedding. Framed under 'oh but I like to learn languages...'

All very odd IMO, and as I said, a bit attention-seeking. And thunder stealing.

I would be very interested in hearing what the brother's wife makes of this.

I am sure the OP will come onto the thread soon and state that she is delighted, and so is all of her family.

if you already speak a couple of languages and are known to be a language person I can see he’s overreacting.

If you only have GCSE French and have secretly got up to intermediate Chinese to prepare for this moment, doing a big reveal at the wedding ceremony, I can see why he thinks you’re showboating.

You sound very emotionally attuned and thoughtful. I think it ultimately depends on the general level of security that one has in oneself. I know I’m good at some things and bad at others and that’s ok - so I would probably marginally disagree with you just because I’m sure there must be others like me, as well as those you’ve rightly alluded to who could feel uncomfortable in the situation. My view is more ‘you’re good at this, I’m good at that, and that’s great for everyone’ (assuming no manipulation or unpleasantness, etc).

Maybe she’s the kind of person that sees that her brother is amazing at other things that she isn’t, and she’s really pleased for him that he’s an excellent mechanic/first-aider/wood-turner/physicist, and just didn’t see that the language thing could be an issue. Sometimes if people are naturally positive and secure in their outlook I find that they they genuinely don’t see where others could be less so, until it becomes more apparent that that’s the case. I have found that this is often because they hold that other person in high esteem themselves and don’t see the flaws the person perceives in themselves.

I agree that there are lots of unknowns about the situation though - maybe his partner has coached him and it’s a general point of soreness or insecurity. Maybe his sister was aware, however minimally, and ignored that. I certainly think if she knew this was something he felt insecure about, or could have reasonably inferred that he might, then she could’ve taken a different approach.

Tell me you don’t speak more than one language without telling me you don’t speak more than one language.

It’s really not a particularly unusual thing to do, or in any way attention-seeking or ‘thunder-stealing’. No one owns a language, and that this isn’t some obscure dialect from a distant country is suggested by the OP happening to have a colleague from that country with whom she can speak it regularly.

Anyone less insecure than the OP’s brother would be delighted to have another family member who could interpret for any of the bride’s family who don’t speak English, and the groom’s family.

I don’t think I’d get over my brother making me out to be some weird over involved clinger just because you learned a language that a now close family member speaks. I’d feel mortified that he’d made it into something weird.

I think it’s absolutely lovely and totally normal if you have an interest in languages to learn one that you can use with you SIL especially if you knew that you were going to her country for the wedding.

I’m terrible with languages but I travelled around Europe a few years ago, only a few days in each places but went to Eastern European countries where I didn’t know a single word. I made an effort to learn some Polish and that helped with similar languages in other countries so I made sure I could say some really simple phrases in every place I went and honestly I think it improved my experience as my bad attempts at saying hello and thank you really went down well with some of the locals. We had a really grumpy coach driver on a tour and we practiced our Polish with him and by the end he really warmed up to us and was giving us restaurant recommendations and travel tips (in English) but still ignoring everyone else.

Anyway I just think it’s a nice thing to do and what a shame he rained on your parade.

Oh that's just reminded me of the people who do things like sing harmonies to happy birthday. On the one hand it's just what singers do so it genuinely is totally innocent; on the other hand it actually does make people look at you so it is sometimes experienced by other people as the singer showing off. I wonder if this is similar.