Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

279 replies

poochuspoochus · 03/10/2025 10:21

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

OP posts:
Blablibladirladada · 04/10/2025 18:21

HerNeighbourTotoro · 03/10/2025 10:26

This is hilarious and sad at the same time, he probably thinks he looks like an idiot for not learning it while you have put a lot of effort. Shame on him, but I love you managed to do it, dont let him ruin your enjoyment of your achievement! I bet the family loves the fact you learned the language and he's just envious.

He is embarassed and yes you could have realised that speaking more than him on his wedding day was not making him look great…isn’t it?
I am sure you get it but come here to have us saying he could have been bothered…I mean yes of course but then there are people good at languages and others aren’t…

Just support his new life. You can apologize if you proved yourself not trying for your relationship with him and just try not to do it again? And for it to be clear…that doesn’t mean you need to not speak the language but you don’t need to make him look bad either…

It is was your brother’s day!

inamo · 04/10/2025 18:26

I think he's worried that his new wife will communicate her deepest darkest secrets and concerns (maybe about her new husband) with you, while he won't have a clue what your coven of two are talking about!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 04/10/2025 18:31

inamo · 04/10/2025 18:26

I think he's worried that his new wife will communicate her deepest darkest secrets and concerns (maybe about her new husband) with you, while he won't have a clue what your coven of two are talking about!

Lol at “no it’s no Xhosa” - that made me LOOOOL!

Congratulations on becoming an auntie to be and for sorting things out with your brother @poochuspoochus

sonjadog · 04/10/2025 18:50

He has a lot of growing up to do before the baby comes. Bilingualism is such a gift to give a child. If you and his wife can both model the language for the baby, then he should be rejoicing over such an opportunity for his child. Anyway, he has 9 months to do something about it now. Maybe that will help focus his mind.

ScribblingPixie · 04/10/2025 18:54

This is all going to work out great as the family expands, OP. Your DB was just panicking and being an arse. Glad it's sorted.

Willyoujust · 04/10/2025 19:04

Pure jealously. Take no notice. Well done you! Xx

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 19:15

I don’t have anything to add OP. You’ve probably shown him up if he hasn’t bothered to learn himself. That’s on him.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 19:18

Blablibladirladada · 04/10/2025 18:21

He is embarassed and yes you could have realised that speaking more than him on his wedding day was not making him look great…isn’t it?
I am sure you get it but come here to have us saying he could have been bothered…I mean yes of course but then there are people good at languages and others aren’t…

Just support his new life. You can apologize if you proved yourself not trying for your relationship with him and just try not to do it again? And for it to be clear…that doesn’t mean you need to not speak the language but you don’t need to make him look bad either…

It is was your brother’s day!

Show quote history

Where does OP say that the conversations she had with his wifes’ family in any way impacted on him ? Sounds to me like OP couldn’t win whatever she did. If she hadn’t made the effort she’d likely have been accused of not being interested enough. She’s made an effort to integrate with his wife family - he should be happy with that but instead it smacks of petty jealousy because OP is good with languages.

Internationalvelvets · 04/10/2025 19:19

A close relative is getting married next year into a religious family. I have contacted a place of worship that my relative will be married in and asked if I am OK to go along so I can learn more about the ceremonies and protocol. I'm also trying to learn some of her fiancé's family's native language. My relative was delighted when I told them. I see it as a way to welcome them to the family and not off putting at all.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 04/10/2025 19:30

Glad you have spoken with your brother and sorted it out. I guess he was a bit surprised. I also think you have downplayed exactly what it took to get that good at the language a little, I mean you have had a colleague and presumably lots of conversations with them to practice, hours of practicing alone. This does not just 'happen' or you 'pick it up' unless you seek it out as you aren't immersed in the language.

I think it's nice for the future, but I can also understand how he was a little taken aback- if you had checked in with him and told him about your colleague and demonstrated your language skills with his wife-to-be beforehand, it wouldn't have been a shock.

I guess he just panicked a bit and wondered why you were so heavily integrating into her culture and now sees it came from a very nice place and that this will be an advantage in the future.

I can see why, though, this is more about cultures and siblings than whether it's a good thing to learn another language, I don't think it was just about that at all.

Joliefolie · 04/10/2025 19:33

Your brother and his native anglophone family would ideally speak to the baby in English, child's mum and family in their native language. Your brother can learn for his own sake (so he doesn't feel left out when the kid and his wife are moaning about/teasing him) but if bilingualism is the goal, each side of family speak only in their native language with the child. People have made some really nasty comments about your brother in this thread. You are the only person who knows him and could know whether this was totally out of character for him or not.

FrodoBiggins · 04/10/2025 19:40

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Some people are just much faster at languages than others!

OP I think it's really nice and not weird. Without the same family dynamic, but one of my close friends (was a neighbour) speaks Hindi and I learned a bit from her then when she invited me to her wedding and mendhi party etc learned a bit more from a colleague so I could talk to her family who were flying over. Not as much as you it sounds but enough to be polite. I don't think it came across as weird I think it's friendly!

APatternGrammar · 04/10/2025 19:40

Can you give an indication of the size of the language? Is it closer to learning Spanish or closer to learning Amazight?

Anyahyacinth · 04/10/2025 19:41

Don't ever make yourself smaller for anyone. You did a wonderful thing..there is no negative in learning a language 🫶💐

FrodoBiggins · 04/10/2025 19:42

APatternGrammar · 04/10/2025 19:40

Can you give an indication of the size of the language? Is it closer to learning Spanish or closer to learning Amazight?

Given that OP happens to have a colleague who speaks the same language I'm guessing it's either a very common language or popular in England (or wherever OP lives)

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 04/10/2025 19:44

JustJani · 03/10/2025 10:53

Actually I think yes you were pretty unreasonable to reveal this on his wedding day. Why didn't you mention it beforehand? You have shown him up and he probably feels you've taken the attention from him on his big day. Yes he should have made the effort himself to learn the language but his wedding wasn't the time to do this imo.

Should OP have spent the wedding pretending not to understand what people were saying?

Lemonandginger1 · 04/10/2025 19:55

YANBU. I think he's embarrassed about it. I know my brother gets annoyed when me and my SIL speak together in her language but it's on him to learn it

Mcoco · 04/10/2025 20:30

Good for you learning a language like that. Your nephew will be bilingual and I am sure your brother will pick the language up over the years. You probably are naturally good at languages and your brother feels left out.

croydon15 · 04/10/2025 20:45

Well done OP for learning your SIL language, l bet that she is delighted.

pineapplesundae · 04/10/2025 20:52

Practice with him!

Lovehascomeandgone · 04/10/2025 20:53

Sounds like you have shown him up for his lack of effort and he is embarrassed. Screw him OP, keep speaking the language and well done you for your effort.

HK04 · 04/10/2025 21:02

Glad you got to the bottom of it OP. Congratulations too on the wee one. It will be great having Mum and Auntie to chat to and I’m sure DB will pick up more soon. Plus bet your SIL feels touched at your effort.

Alideascope · 04/10/2025 21:06

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Oh don't be silly. Plenty of people learn languages for fun. Some people learn them surprisingly easily. Just because you don't, doesn't mean it's not possible.

FrodoBiggins · 04/10/2025 21:36

Alideascope · 04/10/2025 21:06

Oh don't be silly. Plenty of people learn languages for fun. Some people learn them surprisingly easily. Just because you don't, doesn't mean it's not possible.

Show quote history

I think the reference to being a "Duolingo sponge" is a bit of a giveaway. There's about 100 better and faster ways to learn a language than that.

Ratafia · 04/10/2025 21:42

poochuspoochus · 04/10/2025 17:48

Hello, sorry for the late update but I was posting in my small amount of downtime yesterday. I'm afraid I'm going to keep the language to myself just so I can give an update without people from the wedding recognising us. I wish it was Xhosa!

Db responded to my message yesterday only saying 'okay, see you later' as there was another post wedding celebration yesterday evening. When we arrived he just gave me a hug but he didn't say anything.
We managed to have a chat later and it was all a bit garbled but basically someone had said something to him saying if they have children me and his wife can speak to each other in the language so the baby will pick it up. He got himself in tailspin that he wouldn't be able to communicate with his children and would be crap dad. It didn't make a whole lot of sense because they live in the uk and would be around a lot more English speakers. Also he feels bad that he hasn't managed to learn. He apologised for the message. I said sorry if it looked like I was trying to show him up. He said it didn't but although he knew I had dabbled over the years he had no idea I would be able to converse so easily with people. I was still pretty baffled but glad to have made up.

Me, my family and our parents are heading back to the uk today so didn't expect to see them but they asked to meet us for coffee this morning. The lovely news is that two days before the wedding they found out they are expecting. I don't know if this was a bit of a surprise but I think this explains the tailspin!

Edited

Well, he's got time to learn the language properly before the baby comes. Perhaps you could help him or point him to some useful resources?