Is leaving a toxic job similar to leaving a toxic relationship?

[WhiteRoseHurt]

I have recently left an incredibly toxic workplace. I’d been there 4 years and it has gradually diminished my self worth and confidence to zero.

It was a small, sole director led business. No internal HR. No union. She got away with murder because she paid high salaries to keep people.
She’d have kept no one if she didn’t.

I was bullied until I was suicidal. Sleepless nights were the norm. Terrifying. I hit rock bottom and beyond and then one day she shouted at me. She lost her cool. Normally her cool bullying narcissistic demeanour went and she yelled and stomped like a badly behaved terrier.

I walked out and left the keys on my desk.

Some would criticise and ask why I stayed so long. As a single parent, no support from anywhere the money was and is important.

I don’t know how I feel. My colleagues haven’t been in touch. I’m worried about paying my bills. But I’m free of her. She hasn’t said a single word.
Just sent my final wages.

It feels in a weird way like ending an abusive relationship (I’ve been there so know the similarities). Can anyone relate?

I’m a few weeks into a new job after leaving a toxic one. It’s actually scary how much my health and sleep have improved, let alone my mood. My IBS is much better too.

There was never anything overt, which was almost worse because I couldn’t be sure if there was an issue or if I was being sensitive. I experienced a lot of gaslighting, exclusion and unsupportive behaviour, and was set up to fail on a number of occasions. The organisation had a very high staff turnover, apart from a number of people who had been there a long time and created/upheld the culture that drove most newer people away within a year or so. I spoke to a former colleague who left around the same time as I had and his experience was spookily similar… so I took some comfort that it probably was them, not me!

Hi Op, sorry to hear you have been through this. You’ve been enduring chronic stress, for a long period of time, so I think you are probably going to feel burn out, exhausted and emotionally fragile. You’ve been abused and it’s not right. You need to replenish and heal. Focus on the fundamentals - sleep, good nutrition, hydration, time in nature.

100%

Toxic workplaces have much in common with toxic relationships; the power imbalance (you are dependent on toxic boss etc for your livelihood) alone is an obvious link.

But I’ve also seen gaslighting, “silent treatment”, etc. used in professional situations, and when I was much younger was PA for someone whose behaviour was very reminiscent of my abusive stepfather.

I haven’t been on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour for many years. But my last workplace I resigned because I’d seen junior colleagues in really poor mental health as a result of upper management behaviour, and whatever I did, I couldn’t create enough change to shield them completely, and I couldn’t be complicit in what was happening.

Oh yes i even handed my notice in which she ignored and talked me into staying, when i left i had worked out all my leave and told her the date i was leaving, she screamed at me twice during my notice period, once infront of everyone in the office and once in her room as i wouldnt tell her why i was leaving!!! She eventually got sacked, i also deleted everything from all their computer systems which had a trace of me as i did all stats etc. I did all weekly monthly and annual figures for years as no one else ever bothered..so there would have been no information to do that which gave me huge satisfaction, i had no other job but was offered one within the week...youve done the right thing and it will work out

First well done OP - it takes courage to walk out. i did similar however i did hand in my notice with no job to go too. I worked my notice, but did the bare minumum. Went in late and finished early too. i had holiday plus a bonus pay coming which helped. I also went and signed on to the dole which lucky was entitled to. It took me 3 months of staying at home sleeping etc before i was ready to go back to work. I needed that break. I then signed up for temp roles that werent to strenouse then got my now current job about 6 months later. It takes time you need a rest to get mind ready. i would also recomend therapy it really helped me. keep positive you have done the right thing it will all work jut take each day as it comes

You will never stay in a toxic workplace again.
Go and enjoy your life x

It's happened in my last two jobs. The first one, half the workforce left in the same month, it was that bad. The second one, my boss actually fired me - I'd been there under two years so that was his easiest option, rather than dealing with my colleague who was the queen of narcissists (my four predecessors left because of her). He's now advertising for casual staff as he knows he can't employ a replacement on a full time contract without the same results.
It does feel similar to leaving an abusive relationship (I've done that, as well) - the impact on your confidence, the feeling that you're the one who's done something wrong, the unfairness. I'm a month out, and still not sleeping, but much relieved. Although big concerns about finding another job before savings run out.

Yes -I ended up being signed off for my notice because the behaviour ramped up once she realised she was losing control over me.
I don’t think the doctor really understood and yet If I’d been in a relationship with her I would have been given all kinds of help to safely leave.
It affected every area of my life including my marriage. It’s was an awful time.

Absolutely.
I didn't realise my manager was exhibiting many of the same traits as a domestic abuse until after he'd left and I'd gone on some training about coercive control!

Yes, I kind of know what you mean. I was trapped in a very toxic workplace similar setup to yours where I considered ending my life about. However, I was made feel I was the problem. I wasn't! I felt trapped and felt I could not leave. Eventually I had no choice but to leave. The relief walking out the door was unreal.

I went into a temporary role afterwards with a very supportive boss. That really built up my confidence and self worth. It gave me the confidence to apply for quite a senior role that was a massive step up. I got it and love it. Someone I meet on my daily commute commented to me that I am always smiling going to work.

It is absolutely like leaving a toxic relationship - I left a toxic workplace nearly 30 years ago and still remember the relief! I was amazed to find that I actually fitted in with my new colleagues and they also had similar interests outside work. As others have said prospective employers will only check to confirm job title and employment dates. . Hope you find something less stressful soon.

no, job is just a job in my world. I had tens of horrible low paid jobs but jobs. I finally found one where seems bullying is virtually non existent and everyone can speak any crap they want, including on commenting on others, but at least don't do it in the recipient's face.

If I leave a toxic relationship , at least I know I don't need another man if I don't want to. But you always need another job unless of curse, you are business owner, had a windfall, bla bla bla bla bla

you could probably take it further. You have been there for 4 years. See a solicitor.
I had very similar in one role. I wish I had done something sooner

you will pick something up. Don’t worry x

Yes! It felt like leaving a toxic relationship with an arch manipulator. The relief was enormous. I met up a with a colleague about 6months after I had left as she had finally got out as well. It was great to talk to someone who had been in the same situation. I got a much better job afterwards with lovely people. It took me a bit of time to find it but it was so much nicer. Good luck!

Yes OP, I relate and yes it is very similar to leaving an abusive relationship. Please take strength in the fact that you are not alone, and you are not disadvantaged for life by this.

Plenty of candidates don’t use their most recent employer as a reference—it’s more common than you’d think. Focus on alternative referees, frame your exit neutrally, (“I felt I had outgrown the environment and wanted to move to a company with more structured processes and a positive culture where I can contribute fully.”) and put your energy into showing what you bring to a new workplace.

Worst case, just sign up to do some contract work or temp work to pay the bills or until you are ready and strong enough to rebuild.

Good luck!

Yes, you feel raw and your self esteem plummets alongside a feeling of relief.
Time for some TLC.
Best of luck finding a better job.

I had a similar experience but I stayed 6 years. I really don’t know why. At the beginning I really needed the money but by the end I think I was just afraid of change. The company I worked for directly afterwards was lovely but I was always on edge and mistrustful of people. It took me about a year to be able to relax, and even though there were some annoying things going on at the new company, it was nothing like the horrible, manipulative, spiteful BS I had had to put up with previously, just normal annoying work stuff. Well done for finally getting out!

It took me ages to recover physically after leaving a toxic workplace nearly eight years ago. I just slept for days and felt like a zombie.
I think the emotional side takes much longer to recover from. I still get flashbacks and have nightmares but they are getting much less now.
I did have cbt when I left and that helped.
Now I'm in a job I love and treated well by colleagues/managers and I can see how toxic my previous workplace was.
Take time to look after yourself and I wish you all the best.

Really? This is your response to someone who has been bullied to the brink? Are you trying to be funny? You need to learn to read the room.

Op - treat this is though it was a toxic relationship ( which it was). Take time to decompress. You have had a lucky escape here

Yes, I’ve been in my current job for a year and looking for a new one. Manager displays all the behaviours of narcissistic personality disorder and I need to get out before it totally erodes my self esteem. The only thing keeping me sane right now is knowing that they are the problem, not me.
well done op, there are better things on the horizon!

Yes they can be really similar. I left a toxic workplace and I still think about it a lot, have flashbacks, had severe mental health difficulties from it. a lot of advice about leaving a toxic relationship & healing from it has been helpful in dealing with it.

however, I think it must be far more difficult if the abuse came from a romantic partner…after taking some time out to recover I simply got a different job. Can’t really just interview for a new boyfriend!

also if you leave a romantic partner it affects your housing, friendships, family, finances, everything — if you do all that at the same time as fleeing abuse it must be devastating. I’ve had secure housing, a partner, family and friends to rely on and spend time with. Work is a much smaller and less important part of life than everything outside of it.

Yes, I was working with adults with mild learning difficulties (a couple). I was with them sometimes 6 days a week so we were a big part of each others' lives. They could sometimes be challenging. It came to an abrupt hault when they put me in a dangerous situation. I reported it to my managers and then the couple blamed me for everything & dragged my name through the mud. When I finally was told they "don't ever want to work" with me again I felt like I'd been dumped & ghosted. I felt a lot of anger towards them. But I'm in a much better place now & they would do the same to anyone else & would never take any responsibility for their actions.

100% relate, I have been through exactly what you describe with chilling precision, except it was a man. I am still in touch with people there who hate it but can’t leave because it pays well and that makes them his playthings. It’s awful and my heart goes out to you because sometimes it’s worse when you know you did nothing wrong to deserve it. In one instance one of the top salespeople got a job with a partner we used for their services, didn’t speak to my friend and just threatened the entire relationship via legal action if they took him. If he walked I’m sure they wouldn’t have done anything about it. You’ve done the right thing and set the right example of how to handle bullies here x

When I finally left a toxic job a few years ago, I was a shell of my former self. It was awful. I left with nothing to go to but I was so done with it, I didn’t care. Complete rock bottom.

It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been through it. I lost all my confidence and thought I would have to leave the industry entirely. Thankfully I rebuilt my confidence and now work in a similar company but different environment.

Take time out if you can afford to, even if it’s just a few weeks, so you can apply for jobs with a clear head. You will come back from this, and you now know the red flags to avoid when choosing somewhere to work. (In that sense, it is like leaving a toxic relationship, I agree with you.)

I totally relate.

I worked for an online 'narcissistic abuse recovery expert' who had helped me recover from the abusive ex. She recruited her team using what were basically cult tactics and eventually had us working 17/18 hour days, seven days per week.

We were all in such cognitive dissonance: we knew it was wrong, but we all loved her - and she pretended to love us. I respected her so much, and I didn't want to think badly of her. I kept on thinking if we could just get her to understand.....

In the end I saw through her, realised she was ripping people off, and I left. Followed by the rest of the team, one by one. To this day she slags us off and has threatened us all with legal action.

It was such a relief to get out - and every day I tell myself 2 things. It's a joy to wash my hair without my head hurting (from the ex's physical abuse) and it's a joy to go to work, then come home and be free to do what I want.