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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who would date a man without a college degree and/or earning less?

170 replies

CleopatraSelene · 01/10/2025 19:12

It's such a big talking point with sexist men now & also in general think pieces in media. So I thought I'd do an AIBU poll out of curiosity.
I personally would date someone who earns less & I would date someone without a degree. I would want someone smart but that isn't synonymous, esp when you look at idiots like Owen Jones & Boris who went to good unis.

However, I date women so not directly comparable

. Also housing is not an issue for me, and I know I am very lucky in this as right now housing costs are ofc out of control & the government fails to do anything...

I suspect housing & wish to be SAHM are big factors, and reasonably so.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleopatraSelene · 02/10/2025 00:48

Almostwelsh · 02/10/2025 00:17

I find men who work in manual jobs more attractive than office workers. It seems more masculine . I don't care about the money because I can earn my own money, but often tradesmen earn well anyway.

Yes, I've read that it's an incel trope that hardworking plumbers are rejected by snooty women but that seems wildly inaccurate to me, since as you say, many women find it very attractive if a man works in a job that requires physical strength & pays well.

OP posts:
duckfordinner · 02/10/2025 00:57

Its not about money or degrees. It’s about chemistry for me. I’ve got three degrees but don’t care if a man highly educated or not. My baseline is great personality, sense of humour and generous in bed ( female vision of generosity in bed, not porn version).

FirstCuppa · 02/10/2025 01:07

I have done in the past and can't say any of them has ended well. I often found they are too conservative in their views for me for anything longer term. I actually had one get angry that I had "too many books" and he wanted a bigger telly to take over my shelving (as he was moving himself in). He also thought reading was boring and hadn't picked up a book since GCSE English in the mid 90's... If I'm really honest it's about empathy. If you can't put yourself in a characters shoes you likely don't use empathy as much as those who willingly discover characters on a regular basis. That's what I think hides behind the "education" excuse of these men being salty.

canchewcashew · 02/10/2025 01:21

Couldn't care less about degrees, though DH has them, but I wouldn't choose a partner with no prospects to earn a comfortable living. That said, once I've committed to someone, I would stay with them through thick and thin, so long as they were doing what they could to make our shared life as good as possible.

redemptionwoes · 02/10/2025 06:30

I married a man who didn’t have a degree education, no a levels either, he always earnt less than me

honestly …..I’d never do it again. And I’ll be advising my children not to get into relationships with others who have such a different level of education, earnings and work ethic

Original poster
CleopatraSelene · 02/10/2025 06:31

redemptionwoes · 02/10/2025 06:30

I married a man who didn’t have a degree education, no a levels either, he always earnt less than me

honestly …..I’d never do it again. And I’ll be advising my children not to get into relationships with others who have such a different level of education, earnings and work ethic

Lesser earnings may not be a reflection on work ethic- I'm sorry it was in your case.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleopatraSelene · 02/10/2025 06:32

FirstCuppa · 02/10/2025 01:07

I have done in the past and can't say any of them has ended well. I often found they are too conservative in their views for me for anything longer term. I actually had one get angry that I had "too many books" and he wanted a bigger telly to take over my shelving (as he was moving himself in). He also thought reading was boring and hadn't picked up a book since GCSE English in the mid 90's... If I'm really honest it's about empathy. If you can't put yourself in a characters shoes you likely don't use empathy as much as those who willingly discover characters on a regular basis. That's what I think hides behind the "education" excuse of these men being salty.

I agree, thay sounds rubbish for you. Reminds me of the bit in Educating Rita where the boyfriend burns her books bc it makes him insecure.

OP posts:
Decorhate · 02/10/2025 06:37

Lack of a degree wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't be compatible with someone less intelligent though. And lack of work ethic would irritate me though I appreciate that the workplace is very different to when I was young.

Cantseetreesforthewood · 02/10/2025 06:44

Depends why they dont have a degree!

Thinking of a pair of close friends, he doesn't have a degree. He is also mega smart - just not in a way that lends itself to exams. He is probably the highest earning person I know.

I earnt more than DH when we got together. He now massively out earns me.

Degrees aren't everything. Money isn't everything. I'd definitely not want to be with someone bigoted or violent tho.

Kuretake · 02/10/2025 06:48

My DH has two degrees and earns a tenth of my salary. He is very smart which I find attractive but it's not like degrees guarantee intelligence nor does not having a degree mean someone is stupid.

I think it's a really weird metric actually, I don't think I'd factor it in at all.

notatinydancer · 02/10/2025 06:57

lastones · 01/10/2025 19:18

My current guy is a stay-at-home boyfriend, so nil income. I have a doctorate and he doesn't have a degree. I don't think it matters much if it is the right person. Didn't vote as not quite sure which option is supposed to represent what.

He should be embarrassed living off someone else. Don’t get married

unhappycat · 02/10/2025 07:12

I recently went on a date with a guy. He has a degree, I don’t. It was clear from the conversation that I earn substantially more than him.

This isn’t an issue for me as I have my own finances and am not looking for someone to pay my way.

However what was an issue was that he clearly lacked direction in his career, didn’t seem particularly motivated or clear on what he wanted to do next, his future housing prospects were all a bit sketchy too.

Im really driven by nature and I look for the same in a partner. I’ve been with someone in the past where I focused on his potential and believed with support he would achieve great things, but it just turned into a situation where he resented me for wanting him to improve his life and I resented him because I was the one doing all the work.

SalamiSammich · 02/10/2025 07:14

Earnings matter, how they earn them (degree, trade) doesn't.

I had no desire to be a sahm. I do however have a desire to give my kid swimming lessons, clubs, weekends way, holidays etc and was grateful for BOTH of us being motivated and able to afford us BOTH working part time for a short period to enjoy and spread the weight of the baby years (as much as you can!).

I need an equal, someone who can carry us when we fall, as can I, so we are eachothers safety net.

I dated men with low earnings, men who loved pub life, men who are still, in their forties, working the same entry level jobs they had when we were I'm our twenties and now they have just got married, might have wives thinking about kids.

And when I think of the different outcomes our kids will have, the wifework those women will pick up, I feel so grateful I got out.

KimberleyClark · 02/10/2025 07:25

I don’t have a degree, DH has a masters. Happily married for 35 years.

gannett · 02/10/2025 07:39

I wouldn't date a man who wasn't intellectually curious and socio-culturally aware. Not necessarily in the same way as me, but I basically need a partner who likes to think about the world we live in.

That's also what I want in my social circle and in practice this means most of my friends have degrees and cultural capital (if not actual capital, given what the arts and media are like - however I'm very happy to have spent my life "pricking about in the humanities" as one poster charmingly put it, and to surround myself with similar). I've never dated a man without a degree.

That said I don't think a degree correlates with the kind of intelligence I'd be after. Some of the smartest people I know didn't get one (often to do with going through chaotic life shit around that time). The most stupid people I've met in my life were some of the students I met at Oxford - academically smart but with no actual curiosity about the world outside the university.

I think having any sort of rule about how much your partner earns is fairly stupid itself. What he earns now might not be what he earns in 5 or 10 years. The penniless artist might get his big break. The City high flier might burn out. Most people's salaries and wealth are at the mercy of their companies, and of capitalism in a wider sense. The point of being in a relationship, to me, is to have someone who'll weather the storm with you regardless of whether you're at a high or a low.

noonecaresanymore · 02/10/2025 07:47

I wouldn't date a man who earns significantly less than me.

I've worked hard to get where I am. If a man can't match that when he's had the advantage of being in the workforce and not being female, he probably doesn't have the same ambition or work ethic.

I also don't want a man using me for my money.

A degree isn't important to me unless a man not having one gives him an unbearable chip on his shoulder. I've met men like that before. I don't care if you don't have a degree if you don't.

gannett · 02/10/2025 07:59

he probably doesn't have the same ambition or work ethic

Or he's in an industry that's generally lower-paid?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/10/2025 08:03

gannett · 02/10/2025 07:59

he probably doesn't have the same ambition or work ethic

Or he's in an industry that's generally lower-paid?

Which is a choice.

Gymbunny2025 · 02/10/2025 08:08

Agreeing with many others. A degree or salary wouldn’t be important to me if I was dating again. I’m not interested in talking about politics or literature etc (although I am well read). I would however look for independence, responsibility, kindness and passion (both sexually and with his own hobbies or work). As well as the obvious chemistry and attraction

PollyBell · 02/10/2025 08:09

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/10/2025 08:03

Which is a choice.

Show quote history

Same for women

ByQuirkyCat · 02/10/2025 08:10

I could live without a degree, but he'd need to have a qualification or a very good job. I would be reluctant to have a relationship with a man who earned less than me. I wouldn't want to be having babies while being the breadwinner, it's not a funny situation to be in.

Gymbunny2025 · 02/10/2025 08:11

noonecaresanymore · 02/10/2025 07:47

I wouldn't date a man who earns significantly less than me.

I've worked hard to get where I am. If a man can't match that when he's had the advantage of being in the workforce and not being female, he probably doesn't have the same ambition or work ethic.

I also don't want a man using me for my money.

A degree isn't important to me unless a man not having one gives him an unbearable chip on his shoulder. I've met men like that before. I don't care if you don't have a degree if you don't.

Ambition… I think I might avoid someone too ambitious if I was to divorce. DH is very ambitious and I find it takes up a lot of his time!

gannett · 02/10/2025 08:16

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/10/2025 08:03

Which is a choice.

Show quote history

To an extent. Most people gravitate towards professions that fit their actual skillsets and personalities, though. Whether that profession pays high wages has little do to with intelligence, work ethic or drive.

Ella31 · 02/10/2025 09:24

I wouldn't get hung up about degrees and wages but I'd want a partner who has the same values as me and money does come into it, as awkward as it sounds. You want someone who doesn't see you as bank, someone who is good with money, can budget and save, especially when you have other responsibilities with bills and children. I'd be very stressed if my partner was irresponsible with money and I was constantly worrying about it. So on terms of degrees and wages, not highly important but they would have to be working and earning unless there was some reason they couldn't.

dottiedodah · 02/10/2025 09:39

I think generally most (not all ) women prefer a partner who earns the same or more than them .Maybe this is changing somewhat I dont know .As far as Uni.again if Uni educated more prevalent to have a similar partner ? .All of our friends have partners earning more .The ones whose partners earnt less ,seem to have got divorced .this may of course be a coincidence I dont know