It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

So much of it depends on your habits and routines, though. I am a single parent working full-time in a demanding job.

I spend time making quality lunches, but it doesn't take forever. A bacon sandwich with lettuce (the bacon cooks while the kids eat breakfast and get ready) or a salad (takes 5min to cut veg and pour some sauce over) or some leftovers from the day before. A piece of fruit, a treat of sorts and they're fine for the day. Hell, even sushi is easy to make as long as you boil the rice while doing something productive.
Midweek food is generally stuff that can, for the most part, be ignored.

I don't bother with birthday parties anymore, and when I used to it was a maximum of 6 children and some very basic games. Now, with my youngest, they get to invite one friend to a bigger ticket day out (theme park, climbing park, cinema - whatever is low effort).

Kids may not play out unsupervised, but I invested a LOT of time when mine were younger to instil a love of books and so now when mine have nothing to do they read - the eldest (adult teen) has now started reading my own collections. I take the youngest to the park, we have a routine of library, a sports club and shops on Saturdays and play a board game or two on Sundays, but otherwise they entertain themselves. They are allowed 1h screen time weekdays and 2h on a weekend or holiday (the adult teen obvioulsy has their own devices). They help with chores and gardening because I make them, despite the moaning. They wouldn't volunteer for that, but they do it, because I out-stubborned them when they were young and it still works now. So between making my life easier with housework and filling their time with chores, I don't feel that child rearing is becoming too much.

My home is not a show home, but it is clean and for the most part tidy. Anyone allowed in better appreciate the fact that they are here and being hosted, especially at little notice (though again, mostly I meet them out and about - in the park, pub or for an activity).

OP, take a step back. What can they help with, even if badly at first? What is your aim with them?

What unnecessary task can you cut back on or change?

What part of you is responding to what YOU think you're being judged on that no one gives two fucks about? (bake sales and whether they're bought or home baked spring to mind)

Go from there. It's not always chill here, but my life is a LOT more chilled out than some parents who are coupled up and could split the load.

I just didn't do it!

My kids 13 now and birthdays are two mates and a day out

He watches the shows I watch. Even as a kid when we watched 'his shows' anything after 7pm was adult choice and still is

I promise you there are a lot of us out there that don't buy into all this shit

Just find yourself a better set of parents to hang about with and scrap the elaborate parties for two friends and a day somewhere

And frankly if kids are moaning they're bored at a party I'd tell them to go sit on a chair and be bored then

I work in a school and a LOT of kids would benefit from parents learning to just say no

One answer..tough love x

stop trying to keep up with the jones
turn off CBeebies
send the kids back to their own beds

be a parent

My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

That's your fault then, if you want to watch something then do so, tell them they've had their turn it's now your turn.

When our kids whinged or moaned that they were bored, we said that they were allowed to whinged or moan any time they liked - but they had to do it in their bedrooms. They all read early, so they went upstairs and read....
A girl's Edwardian costume? An adult nightie or long petticoat (held up with a belt) and a blouse and a mop cap or cheap hat from a charity shop. Pair of gloves. Boy? Long school trousers, shirt, a cardboard top hat (easy to make) and a pair of fake glasses. Don't worry over much about it. The kids won't care, as long as they are dressing up in something....

The biggest thing for me was coming in to my bed at night. It took a week of hard work - opted to do it when DH was on annual leave and I was off as very pregnant and we just took him back to his room every time he came in. Did involve sitting on his bed until he went back to sleep but I'd say paid off in the long run. He still sometimes sneaks in. If we wake we take him back and if we don't he gets a treat.

I know what you mean about birthday parties. Last year I just did a little bag of haribo each. Some of the kids asked where the party bags were and I just said there weren't any. I did feel bad but totally forgot about them until it was too late.

Oh and I do always carry snacks with me, not worth the hassle. As one of my friends said before I had kids. You just have to choose your battles.

I know what you mean but I do think it’s possible to not buy into all that/find your own way.

lunch- I give my DD what I’d eat which is a sandwich/left overs with veg and fruit bits. Bag of crisps if we have some
don't tend to buy that many snacks, watching the budget and a piece of fruit or chopped up cheese is usually what’s on offer as nibbles between meals. Now and again get the odd snacks but not a regular or expected thing

Birthday parties at home. No balloon arches. One big party in a hall at the end of primary school

costumes, sometimes bought, sometimes we made them, nothing too complicated but did the job

we spend time with our DD when we can but she’s often left to her own devices - draws a lot, taught herself to crochet, plays in the garden with local kids.

far from perfect but all fine. Lots of mum friends, some of which do all that you describe. Hasn’t affected my friendships in any way that I’m aware or that of my DD. DD seems happy enough, certainly no less than those with the ballon arches.

co-slept until she was ready to sleep alone

I do find parenting stressful and worry if I’m a good mum. But I’ve not really been worried about the particular things you describe. No right or wrong way to do things but if you don’t like things you can change what you do.

But you don’t have to do all that! I certainly don’t. Today my 3 yo kids had a ham barm, soreen, crinkles and strawberries in their packed lunch. For their birthday we got a few cheap decorations and spent £150 on a cake each (they’re twins) and some buffet food and drinks. We had a party hosting 30 in our 2 up 2 down. No balloon arches in sight! Mine don’t watch CBeebies at the weekend, mummy wants to watch Jane McDonald (absolute queen) cruising the world! I’m not falling into the modern parenting trap! It’s too much.

Yes and I think respecting every single thing someone says or difference has gone too far too. Sometimes we just have to bloomin get on with it. You are in the thick of childrearing though. Go back to their basic needs and you can't go too far wrong! Food, time outside, bed at a somewhat reasonable time etc. make each one basically enjoyable and then move on after that. Life isn't based on one birthday party etc

I’ve attended nearly all the birthday parties - often the whole class plus other friends - for Gdcs, now 10, 9, and 5, and we have hardly ever seen any of this.

I hear you with packed lunches. Mine get an old school packed lunch, sandwich, cucumber, tomatoes, crisps/cake and a yoghurt and fruit. Just an apple or blueberries.

Parties-keep it simple. The bigger you go, the more they want the next year!

I do know what you mean about the sleeping - my preschooler gets into bed with us every night about 1am and I do long for an uninterrupted night. But then I think, she's only little, and I remember how safe I felt on the very rare occasions that I was allowed to sleep in my parents bed - and I want her to have that safe and cosy feeling too. I don't particularly like sleeping alone without my husband so isn't it just a similar kind of feeling for them?

You spent £150 on cake?! What's wrong with homemade or Colin the caterpillar?!

I have a very high stress, long hours job and I worry I'm not around for my kids enough. But I am the main breadwinner and I look after us all, so there's that. I actually go out of my way to NOT do any of the ridiculous stuff and find it often catches people off guard, like they didn't realise they could also opt out. I've certainly made a point of traditional parties, at home with no ridiculous extras. To be honest, I probably come off a little rude sometimes in my disdain for parties which are so obviously geared towards social media. And don't get me started on elf on the bloody shelf etc......

To regain a little control, can you focus on setting boundaries at home, where it's (usually) just your own children and they're not entertaining other children whose parents have different standards or making a direct comparison to someone else who has more? For instance, if you don't want them sleeping in your bed, make a rule that they don't; everyone has their own place for sleeping. If someone has a nightmare, one of the parents can take them back to their room, help them relax/reassure them there's no danger, and if necessary stay with them until they're asleep. This will be intense for the parents at first (easier to just let them stay and sleep in the big bed) but will become less so over time. And if they're trying to insist on having things be the same at home as they are at school or daycare - wanting constant snacks, for example - tell them those snacks are for school or daycare and not for home. They're 4, 5, and 6 (if I read this right); they have very little idea of the world except what you teach them, and they're of course going to misunderstand things and take things out of context. You as a parent should be giving them reasonable boundaries and telling them no when that's necessary. They need you as well and as sharp as you can be; don't run yourself ragged doing what you can't.

This sounds very much like a you problem.

YANBU. At all. But I guess you have to stop following the crowd and do your own thing. I think parents just want to be absolutely perfect in every way, and feel they’ve let their children down if they aren’t happy 24/7. I’m a bit older, mid 50s, and it does have a lot to do with the advent of the internet/social media etc. prior to that, people didn’t know what anyone else was doing apart from friends and family, or what they saw on the news. Whereas now there’s so much pressure from everywhere to be that perfect parent. And Xmas - that’s when it really ramps up with Elf on the shelf, winter wonderland events, Lapland, kiddies xmas movies on loop, Xmas parties…

So! As a parent to a 6-yo who has adhd, a big change we made was to get rid f most toys. It might sound counterproductive, but there's a lot of evidence tat kids play better and get "deeper" into their games with less stuff and stimuli. Craft stuff put away - we can access it whenever we want, pit it's not within an arm's reach. So if we get it out, we focus more on it. Only favourite toys stayed.

I've noticed a hugely positive change after clearing out stuff. You don't need to get rid of it, just put it in (black) binliners amd to the loft/garage etc.

Nope never had this with any of our kids parties over the course of three kids through the whole of primary school. Usually the simpler the entertainment the more they seemed to enjoy it. Never once paid for professional party people. At various ages we did crafts, bubbles, garden games, pass the parcel, musical statues, treasure hunt, 'disco' which was just mum playing music and a cheap disco ball from Amazon, chocolate making party, dinosaur party with games, Lego themed party with building challenges, pamper party where we painted their nails and put on glitter tattoos. Even aged 12 or 13 all the kids happily played Taskmaster style games, the old chocolate game (knives and forks), giant Jenga etc. Honestly never had a kid complain or refuse to take part. (This is between 2010 and 2021 for reference so not 'the good old days')

The only time we've paid for something external was when they wanted a very small number of friends and we did something like a trampolining park, dance class, bowling or roller skating but never a party package, just paid for a regular session and did food at home or bought burgers at the place.

Agreed. Sounds like you’re asking for sympathy about caving into peer pressure and your children’s demands? Pretty sure there are adults out there who do their own activities while children engage in free play. Very important for children to see their parents doing their own things.

Certainly not! £150 for the cakes, buffet food and drinks! I’m not made of money, a cakes a cake at the end of the day!

I was also going to say about this- at the point my child was 3/4 I nearly lost the will to live as we couldn't go ANYWHERE that wasn't soft play/playground etc because they would just wreck havoc! BUT. It does get better. You just have to ride these few tough years. For us the turning point was learning to read. Now I pack a new book for restaurant trips, or long train rides and life is generally much easier. We even did a very mini interrail trip last summer. Wasn't perfect but it would have been impossible at 4.

I’m currently trying to conceive. I was born in 1990. Life was simpler. Yet I see it all over and wonder genuinely how I will afford and have the energy to do the pay for this day at school and over the top parties. I feel for you and I’m not even a mother. All the posters saying you need to say no, are clearly not seeing this is every child’s world now so how do you remove them from that, and yourself. My friend is a primary school teacher and she said she spent an entire weekend buying and preparing an Easter egg hunt for five year olds. For them to sulk and cry they were bored and they’d rather have screen time. More like scream time!

Add in a packet of salt and vinegar mini chips, a carton of 5 alive and you have my childhood packed lunch which I enjoyed for years.

I'm still standing.

Oh no WTF? Christmas Eve and Halloween boxes?!? I like this thread @Uggbootsforever, it’s making me laugh and reducing my mother guilt.