To be disappointed with proposal?

[Carys1806]

Hi everyone!

need a bit of a reality check, am I being over sensitive or am I reasonable to be peeved.

partner and I have been together for 4 years. We recently went away for a long weekend to Spain (he booked it as a surprise), whilst we were there he popped the question. I should be over the moon but I am upset at how he went about it.

his plan originally was to play a joke on me by proposing with a fake ring (that he deliberately brought too small) and drop the ring from the balcony, then give me the real one the next day. This didn’t work out as I was wrapped up on the balcony on a blanket as it was cold, so his plan B was to put the fake ring on me whilst I slept. I woke up and was still happy/surprised albeit a little disappointed that the ring didn’t fit (I didn’t know about plan A yet!) we had a kiss and went back to sleep. The next day he gives me the real ring, no speech or loving words which I was a bit upset about, but still happy that we were moving forwards in the relationship. He then told me what his original plan was :(

I appreciate the effort he has gone into to book a holiday and the ring (it is beautiful) but I am irked by the fact that he a)was going to make the proposal a prank, and b) that he didn’t really propose/ say anything loving etc when he gave me the real ring.

AIBU or should I be miffed?!

i assume you turned down his proposal then?

The disappointment could be the fact the dream didn't match the reality.
We big things up so much in our heads that when it happens it's almost a disappointment.

Maybe get some therapy before actually marrying though. You may turn it into a huge event like a "bridzilla" as you have these thoughts still in your mind

I really empathise here, making a prank out of a proposal is a twatty move. HOWEVER I just don't think men always realise how big a moment this often is, in a woman's life. I also wonder whether, in your case, for some reason he felt a need to downplay the proposal if he'd booked a special trip for it. I know my DH cringes at anything super romantic.
I was disappointed with my proposal tbh, partly because it was on our sofa while I was in my onesie. But mainly because my SIL let the cat out of the bag the night before (it was at best careless and at worst deliberate) and I had to pretend I was clueless when he blindfolded me and had me guess what my Christmas present was. It was 10 years ago this year but I still feel the disappointment.

Not being unreasonable. This is a momentous moment. It deserved to be treated as such.
I would questions why he couldn't be straightforward - Darling, I love you more with each passing day. Will to do me the hunt of being my wife? Or asking those lines. If he cannot bring himself to be open about his feelings on such an occasion I would wonder what his motivation is. Why should women be gratefulv for the D- effort? We are worth the A+ one.

You are not being unreasonable. You are hearing alarm bells. The hotel, the ring are a reflection on him and how he wsnts others to judge him, he wants people to think he is wonderful he is to have done that or bought that. At the end of the day, it was supposed to be special for both of you and he made you the butt of his joke. Watch how many times he tells the story of it, tells people where he took you or asks you to show the ring off.
If you are made to feel like you are over reacting, you are 100% being gaslit. It will never change my love. You have good instincts feeling the way you do. Trust them. You already know the answer. It is better to be able to admit to yourself that you may have wondered through the wrong door than spend a lifetime in the wrong room. Some things need to be felt to be understood.

If he doesn't know when to be serious you're in trouble.
He'll be in a delivery room sniffing gas and air and f about.

You're not being unreasonable. From reading your OP, there was no proposal just a clumsy delivery of a (nice) ring. To my mind, you are no further forward in this relationship. You merely have new jewellery & a holiday. Not much thought or effort in arranging either of those.
End it now as he will not change, pranking a proposal is unkind & you will always feel let down. Best of luck.

Why would anyone say yes to marrying such a child?

Depends on what he is like day to day I think. If he is a typical jokester then it would be unreasonable of you to expect him to act any different. Personally this would give me the ick but to each their own. You didn't have to say yes.

Could he have been nervous and tried a prank to make it less stressful?

I’m sorry I find the idea of proposals ludicrously twee and old fashioned in the first place. But you wanted to get married, it’s important to you, he went to some trouble to make it nice and you don’t think it’s enough because it wasn’t like something from a romcom.

I would gently say you maybe need to grow up and count your blessings.

Are you marrying Kieran from MAFS? Because this sounds like the kind of stupid thing he would do and he wasn’t marriage material for that reason.

Oh dear what a shame he initially has gone to so much trouble to end up destroying the atmosphere that could have been so memorable in a wonderful way but now as case of disappointment.
How do you feel reciting this story at your golden wedding?

Tell him that you would appreciate it that now he has presented the beautiful ring he intended for you that he made a fresh proposal that is fitting for the ring.

I wonder if he did it as a ‘joke’ in fear of being rejected and then he could spare his discomfort by laughing at the idea.

My husband was terrified I’d turn him down, he chose a very crowded pub as the New Year began to strike in with Big Ben all infront of my friends by whispering behind me into my ear. If I didn’t hear him he accepted it as a no. He didn’t have a ring but next day sat me down and asked what I wanted and he would find it. It was a few months later he asked me again, just us two, sat in the dark under the moon, which brought the ring out at its best.

Ask him to ask you again xx

Wow he sounds like true romantic!!! and not at all funny.

I hate pranks so that would be a huge turn off for me. If pranks are his thing then I couldn’t marry him anyway, but if it was just nerves then I think I’d be ok about it (I’m not very romantic admittedly).

He doesn't know you very well if he thought you'd like that. I'd worry about that a bit. Do you have much in common?

If you’re miffed don’t marry him. Wait for someone who will meet your exacting standards.

I get the impression he wanted the proposal to be about him and you telling him how funny he is, followed by lots of stories about his ‘hilarious’ prank. I would’nt’ve liked it either

Oh, blimey. Forget the details of the proposal - do you want to marry him or not? It's as simple as that.

I agree. Honestly, what a fuss and drama. He asked you to marry him, it doesn't need to be a big meaningful "moment", and as for the pranks, I would find that funny and sweet.

You sound a bit shallow and immature.

Maybe you need time to digest this. Are you in love? Is he in love? Has he always been a prankster? Do you see yourself with him in the long run? Is he romantic outside of the proposal scenario? There's so much to analyze here now that you're looking at marriage.

Very weird proposal, how did he think it would play out. He drops the fake too small ring (ruins the moment), then goes down to what pretend to look for it - how did he think that would be fun or funny for anyone.

I think he has consulted Chat GPT and this is the result.

I would say you love the ring and the holiday but are confused about the intitial proposal and would like to talk about it.

You can feel your feelings. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being disappointed. Didn’t even need the soppy words but surely a will you marry me?
I would really think about your relationship before planning a wedding.

He was going to play a practical joke on you at a time that should be something romantic and heartfelt. He was purposely going to make you upset. Think about what that means.

Does he do things like this often? How does he react with you in times of need? Does he step up?

Is he thoughtful for birthdays and Christmas gifts?

id contemplate these and decide if I actually want to spend the rest of my life with someone so childish.

Edit to add: I’ve just seen your update saying your ages! Just no. I honestly thought you were very early 20s. He needs to grow up.

My now husband asked me a few times when we’d been out for beers and each time I just laughed , eventually we were out seeing a band and I just asked him very casually - along the lines of ‘this band is shit shall we get married’ he was pretty skint so put a modest ring on a credit card and he bought me some ‘engagement trainers’ as my ring had to be ordered in - if I had been waiting for a truly romantic Instagram type propsal I’d probably still be waiting instead of heading to 13 year anniversary.

If y think that was nice I think you have not had many nice experiences. I feel for you

You are gaslighting a women. How unusual.