Two adults cornered and scolded my 7yo

[Rosie5832]

At a classmate’s birthday party, my child was cornered by the parents of another classmate. They accused him of bullying their son and told him to stop it. He said he wasn’t doing that and they kept on shouting at him that he was.
After this, he was very upset and was crying inconsolably.
Another parent - the mum of the birthday child - went to his assistance and messaged me telling me to return to the party as my son needed me, and that she couldn’t settle him at all (I had left for an hour). While she was messaging me, these two parents came over to her and told her my son was a bully - he was right there and still crying. She told them to back off. When I arrived, they rushed straight over to me and told me that my son was bullying their son etc. No acknowledgment from them that they had cornered him alone and shouted at him. It was only later at home that he told me what had happened, I called the other mum and she confirmed it, describing the way they approached me as an ‘ambush’. She said the whole party turned into a ‘sh*tshow’ because of the way these parents were behaving, and all the other parents - and probably some of the kids - could see what had happened.
I’m in shock over this. I’m meeting with the school teacher today to alert her to this incident and to make sure my son is kept safe in school.
I want to say something to these parents about their behaviour. Imo they were completely out of line, and all the other mums I’ve spoken to since agree that you never confront a child alone like that, regardless of what issue you have with them.
On the way in to school this morning, my son stopped dead just before the door and said, “why didn’t you stay at the party?”. He was clearly thinking about the whole incident and probably concerned that he would encounter these parents at the school.
Has anyone any experience of this kind of behaviour from other parents?

Surley if something happend at the party it would be an oi - and hovering there so nothing else happened? Not so bad party Mum had to intervene and call OP.

I once had Ds accused of misbehavior at party - I'd stopped and had eyes on him - so when parents went up angry to him I was right there and pointed out there were in a different room I'd seen and their little girl was wrong - and was backed by a few other parents.

Turned out she got praise for doing similar off a dinner lady - telling tales about DS and few other kids - I don't know why but they moved staff round at lunch and all those issues went away. Later turned out she was trying same with her younger sister and took a while for parents to cotten on - she wasn't bad came across as well behaved to most adults just seemed to like getting other kids in trouble.

Like some other posters I think there are two issues here. To find out if your son has been bullying and deal with it with support from the school and to inform the school of the parents behaviour. Two separate situations even though they are allegedly linked. However I'm not sure they will be happy to do anything about the parents behaviour at an outside of school event. I would however ask them to be mindful at pick up to safeguard your child from there behaviour.

I did have something similar to this. My DD was accused of bullying and the father of the other child verbally and very aggressively fronted me out, outside of school premises. Turns out my child wasn't bullying and the other child had problems at home which I'm not surprised going by the fathers behaviour.

That’s appalling OP- I’d go to the school- I’d also contact the parents themselves. The bullying question tbh is redundant at this point, it’s a 7 year old child attacked by adults.

I think it's indefensible, cornering a small child. How terrifying for them. I'm aghast that anyone thinks thinks this is OK, regardless to what has been going on at school.

Unfortunately some people on mumsnet hate kids!

Maybe, if OP's DS has been regularly bullying their DS, they wanted to make sure they could be there to watch and protect their own DS at the party - and then, OP's DS was continuing to bully their DS at the party and they saw red.

Of course, none of us know this - and it may be that OP's DS is absolutely not a bully and has been falsely accused; indeed, as has been suggested, their DS might have been bullying him and it's classic DARVO in action.

The adults probably shouldn't have approached him this way - although I don't see how soundly chastising a bully (if indeed he is) and warning him to stop actually counts as bullying itself.

I know a lot of people will scoff and ask how a 7yo could possibly be a bully, but some kids have indeed learned how to be really horrid, nasty and manipulative by that age - sometimes deliberately exploiting their young age and bursting into fake tears in order to get away with it.

Again, none of us know the full facts here; but some children of that age ARE nasty bullies and many schools are simply not interested in acknowledging that they have a bullying problem, much less in resolving it. It's far easier to ignore it and/or to tell the victim that they 'need to learn resilience'.

Those parents could have a perpetually very upset child whose life is being made an absolute misery by a nasty bully, have reported it to the school again and again and been repeatedly brushed off and nothing ever done. It happens a great deal.

If that were the case here, what choices would the parents actually have apart from to force their own innocent DS to move schools, put up with the bullying (and ban him from attending any parties where the bully might be) - or to take the opportunity to advocate for their own child and give the bully a very strong warning to stop?

More facts are needed here; but many bullies are skilled manipulators - even at that relatively young age - and are hardly going to admit to adults that they are bullies and be stopped or sanctioned.

That's not my experience of schools currently at all. Or 7 year olds and I teach them!

If the school is really ignoring it then there are governors, ofsted or talking to the child's parents.

Ah but you are a rational person who lives in the real world. Couldn’t agree more.

Bullies always accuse others of bullying.

Yes, you're right, sorry I completely misread that.

It doesn't really change my overall point though- if the bullying was such a huge ongoing issue then surely any decent parent would have raised it with the school or OP directly, checked with the bday child's parent if op's ds was coming and if so whether they wanted to risk it, and tried to take the opportunity to talk to her, adult to adult, when she dropped off, rather than waiting until she had left to corner her child alone.

The giveaway is the use of the word ‘bullying’. It’s vague and means a million things.

If it was genuine then the parent would have approached the OP and said that her DS was calling X names/ hitting him etc.

I get what you are saying but these adults are, in reality, in no position to be ‘warning’ this child to stop anything are they? What are they actually going to do if the alleged bullying still continues after this or indeed gets worse?

My DC have been bullied, my DH will often say ‘I can’t wait until those little bastards are 16 so I can get them told’ - because he knows he can’t get in the face of a small child and come out of it looking good (he also won’t don’t anything when they are 16 he is all talk! It’s just venting because the majority of adults are fully aware that they can’t intimidate children regardless of what else is going on).

Well. I would stay at a party with kids that age, they often need help navigating situations.

And you haven't touched on what they are accusing your son of doing? And you don't say anything about the hostess saying that your child hadn't been bullying or whatever?

They crossed a line for sure, but you need to find out more.

This is why you have to have all parents staying, or no parents staying. I feel sorry for your son - and also sorry for the child of the woman who reprimanded your son (for whatever caused the incident and for having that mother). If I were you, I would have a discreet word with the teacher and ask him/her to do a PSHE lesson on what is bullying and what to do if you see it happening. Most schools teach that bullying is when the same unkind behaviour happens more than once by the same perpetrator after they have been asked to stop. Ask them to include what to do if someone is unkind to you. Children - and in this case parents - seem to call out bullying for the smallest discord.

DH did this... she claimed that he was then bullying her and that she was "scared".

again. Hahahahahahaha.

As I child (age10) I was approached by 2 parents of a girl in my class whilst I was walking home and they accused me of being a bully, I was on my own and the Father in particular was really irate.
I was sobbing and in the end his wife pulled him away and they left. My Dad went around to their house that night to ask what on earth had happened for them to think it was ok to behave like that, myself and the girl had been friends so my parents knew where they lived. My Mum went to school the next day and the school pulled both sets of parents in for a meeting once they had heard what had happened.
It turns out that the girl was upset because I had told her she snored….that was it, we had been on a residential together sharing a room and she had been snoring and I had told her the next day.
I wasn’t mean to her, school confirmed that everything had been fine on the residential, their daughter wasn’t upset etc she had just decided to tell her father that I was bullying her and he went nuts.
I still remember how scared and upset I was at the time, 30 years later!
The parents had no right to corner your child to have a go, regardless of any prior incidents. That is not how reasonable adults behave, and you have every right to be fuming.

What exactly did they say he had been doing?
They absolutely shouldn't have behaved like that towards a child, bit, if I were you I'd be having words with school etc to see what is going on. Nobody likes to think their kid is a bully, but obviously some are...

Frankly, that's not relevant. There is a correct way to deal with things and using strong-arm tactics and intimidation on a 7 year old child is totally unacceptable and is bullying itself.

This is awful your poor son.

The parents sound like horrible bullies themselves.

A 7 yo should absolutely be able to be left at a party without you worrying about his safety.

So heartbreaking for you to have him say “why didn’t you stay at the party” 😢

The parents are 100% in the wrong. Of course you need to find out from school what’s been happening in school but they should have never confronted the child.

If he has been bullying another child, this intervention from the bullied child's parents will hopefully ensure he learns his lesson. It sounds like this was the last straw for the victim's parents. Also, in my experience, someone crying after being confronted in this way is just as likely to be because they're upset about being caught out. It doesn't mean the parents were wrong to do it just because it made him cry.

Well actually it absolutely can come from nowhere. One of the mums in my dd's class has it in for my dd for no explicable reason and has made up an absolute bunch of shit that she's supposedly done. She confronted me and was unbelievably arrogant and said some really awful things about my dd, all of which my dd and school confirmed were 100% lies. It made me feel so unsafe I have had to tell the school so that they can safeguard my daughter from a grown ass adult who has such a sad life that she bullies 6/7 year olds. She's done the exact same thing to pretty much every other girl in the class btw and now has a reputation for it. Some parents are just fucking bonkers and bullies as well.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. You and your child don't deserve it whatever truth is in the parent's claims. Work with the school, let them know what's happened so that they can safeguard your child and tell these bitches that if they ever so much as fucking breath near your child or you again you'll involve the police. Obviously also if there is any element of truth in their claims then talk to your DS but I'd go by what school says not the psychomums. Good luck xx

What if they've already tried other methods to deal with the situation and those efforts haven't been effective in rectifying it?

I have confronted children before not two against one, but I have asked them to leave my child alone because she was bullying my daughter.
And I was at the end of my tether with it.

You're wrong.
It's not normal to hijack a child's birthday party to corner and yell at a 7 year old.
Those parents were bullies themselves that day.

Dont talk to the parents, they sound unhinged and irrational so you'll get nowhere with them.
Bully or not their behaviour was unacceptable.
I would be speaking to the school only about it and asking them to make provisions that these parents are kept away from him