ADVICE NEEDED - Ex doesnt want to tell our child about his secret baby

GoldenTiger · 2025-09-27T22:41:34+00:00

I separated from my ex partner who then began dating my best friend for a short while and they are now pregnant with his child. My ex wants nothing to do with this child, so has decided he isnt having any involvement, he no longer talks to my friend who is due to give birth soon. My ex had said he is not telling our child about their half-sibling and that I have no right to tell them either - our child is 8, he plans on them never finding out. However, I have numerous other close friends who know about the baby and their children know about the baby and the pregnant friend lives a very short drive away. I'm fearful for our child's mental health should they find out through someone else or through another child talking about it to them, as I feel this is likely. I have said to my ex that they need to tell them due to my concerns of someone else telling them and the betrayal they might feel because of it. It's breaking my heart for our child because I feel they should know, I don't want them to feel I've hidden something from them but their dad won't allow me to. He has been emotionally aggressive and physical aggressive in the past, no physical harm to me or our child but has hit things in our home, which is why I left the relationship which makes me worried about telling our child when he's saying no. Please can someone offer some insight or advice, any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated.

Viviennemary · 27/09/2025 23:50

This is so irresponsible of them to bring a child into the world under these circumstances and now your ex deciding to disown it. I don't know why it is common knowledge though. Not sure what I would but I wouldn't tell my child yet.

Original poster

GoldenTiger · 27/09/2025 23:53

Viviennemary · 27/09/2025 23:50

This is so irresponsible of them to bring a child into the world under these circumstances and now your ex deciding to disown it. I don't know why it is common knowledge though. Not sure what I would but I wouldn't tell my child yet.

It's only common knowledge because they were all part of a small friendship group. I was told by these other friends about my best friends pregnancy, so they all knew before I did. Which makes it even more difficult when it feels like the only person who doesn't know is our child.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2025 23:57

I’d tell your child as soon as the baby is here, with the agreement of the mum. Secrets and lies come out and they are harmful. Your ex is a complete idiot. He will find out and he will hate the people who lied and pretended.

LivingTheDreamish · 28/09/2025 00:15

I agree, keeping this from your child is not really an option here. They will find out anyway! Your ex's reasons for wanting it kept secret are selfish, and benefit noone but himself. In my opinion this does not fall into the category of "joint decision making for your shared child" and you should disregard his wishes.

But I would be nervous about him being angry too. So long as there is no risk of actual violence, I would get it over with as soon as possible.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 28/09/2025 08:49

You have every right to parent your child in the way you think best. Your ex has already proved that he’s a shit person and a shit parent and it would be mad to follow his demands about this. If he’s the kind of person who will refuse to see one of his children, then he is the kind of person who would refuse to see both of them. What are the chances that he remains a good, consistent and decent father to your own child? I’d say pretty slim. Which means it’s all on you to be the decent parent and, as you have correctly identified, your child could be alienated from you if they realise you have hidden this from them. Teenagers don’t just gloss over this type of thing.

You don’t owe this man any favours. He should be ashamed of his behaviour - which is probably why he doesn’t want his child to know about it, but it’s the truth and so he has to live with it.
Are you worried about his treatment of you and/or your child if you don’t do what he wants.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/09/2025 08:53

Your ex has already proved that he’s a shit person and a shit parent and it would be mad to follow his demands about this.

Absolutely this.

Jk987 · 28/09/2025 08:55

Tell tell tell. Your child and the new baby deserve to know from day one.

The ex sounds like a real catch… the best friend going on to date him and fall pregnant is bizarre.

Handsomesoapdish · 28/09/2025 08:59

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/09/2025 08:53

Your ex has already proved that he’s a shit person and a shit parent and it would be mad to follow his demands about this.

Absolutely this.

Third this. I can see why he is your ex and given his poor character you’d be foolish to give him any control over your life. He is an absolute tool.

Motomum23 · 28/09/2025 09:06

Will you and your friend (ex-friend?!?!) Facilitate a relationship between the half siblings?? If so then I would tell him but if not then it would be cruel to tell him.

Pomegranatecarnage · 28/09/2025 09:11

Are you still friends with the woman who dated your ex? Will you see the child when it’s born? If so, you’re very forgiving and you should tell your child. If you’ll never see the baby and no longer have a friendship I am not sure.

themerchentofvenus · 28/09/2025 09:12

Not much of a best friend if she was shagging your ex without using contraception!

Why are you fearful of your child's MH? If he finds out that his dad had a baby with someone else and asks you, you then just say yes, that's right, the baby is your half sibling. If he asks why you didn't tell hom then say it wasn't your news to tell.

8 is too young to be worrying so much about these things.

Seelybee · 28/09/2025 09:24

@GoldenTiger I do despair at the notion that you say it is your child’s ‘mental health’ you are worried about if someone (presumably a peer) told them about this baby. They are 8. What would happen? They’d come home and tell you what had been said and you would then explain the basic facts. Hardly likely to cause a mental health crisis in a young child.
Only you can decide whether it’s least worst to go against his father’s preference, but if your child did hear elsewhere there’s nothing your ex can do or say about it.

ERthree · 28/09/2025 09:26

Please please tell your child. My family had a very similar situation over 30 years ago. Lies were told and everything was brushed under the carpet. The effects are still felt today, even by a new generation. There is no point in hiding this baby as it cannot be hidden forever. It is a pointless secret and too many people know. Don't let your son find out in the playground.

SalamiSammich · 28/09/2025 09:28

Sorry, I don't understand why you think you have to do anything your ex wants?

What do you get out of that?

Beeloux · 28/09/2025 09:32

What horrible, selfish bastards they both are. I wouldn’t have anything to do with your friend and don’t feel sorry for her. If she was a friend, she would have taken your feelings into consideration and not shagged your ex ever so soon after separation.

I’d hold my breath when he says he’ll have nothing to do with the baby. Dc2 dad cheated on me while pregnant and swore the same. He soon started sniffing around after our ds was born and wanting to get back together. However he disappeared when he was 6 months old.

Personally I would tell your dc.Yes it will hurt but it’s better ripping the plaster off quickly. There is always the worry they will hear from elsewhere when older and then you will be the one they will blame for not telling them.

Cabinqueen · 28/09/2025 09:34

Handsomesoapdish · 28/09/2025 08:59

Third this. I can see why he is your ex and given his poor character you’d be foolish to give him any control over your life. He is an absolute tool.

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Agree 💯 %

Beeloux · 28/09/2025 09:34

Seelybee · 28/09/2025 09:24

@GoldenTiger I do despair at the notion that you say it is your child’s ‘mental health’ you are worried about if someone (presumably a peer) told them about this baby. They are 8. What would happen? They’d come home and tell you what had been said and you would then explain the basic facts. Hardly likely to cause a mental health crisis in a young child.
Only you can decide whether it’s least worst to go against his father’s preference, but if your child did hear elsewhere there’s nothing your ex can do or say about it.

I would have been very upset if I found this out by a peer at 8. Much better OP tells them herself.

Sliceofbattenberg · 28/09/2025 09:38

Your ex gets to decide what he tells your son and you get to decide what you tell him. Neither of you can decide for the other.
Find the safest way for you to tell him and do so. You don’t have to listen to your ex’s wishes at all.
You might want to see whether the intention of never seeing the baby holds as I imagine the ex being an involved parent would be a situation that you’d want to explain differently.

Letshavetea1 · 28/09/2025 09:43

You need to tell your child. Your loyalty is to your child - not your ex or your (presumably former) friend. You don’t need any permission to do this or to tell them you have.

JumpingPumpkin · 28/09/2025 09:45

Your child’s mental health could well be affected if he discovers that his mum and dad have lied by omission to him about something so significant as a sibling.

I would suggest telling your ex that you will be telling your son, give him a short period to do it himself, if he hasn’t then let your son know.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 28/09/2025 09:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2025 23:57

I’d tell your child as soon as the baby is here, with the agreement of the mum. Secrets and lies come out and they are harmful. Your ex is a complete idiot. He will find out and he will hate the people who lied and pretended.

This is perfect. As someone who was lied to, whilst I retain a relationship with my parents, the old adage of a cracked mirror rings true. Everything is a little darker when everyone lies to you.

I'm sorry you’re going through this and it will be a tough conversation but much easier than the one when he finds out.

ACynicalDad · 28/09/2025 09:55

If you’re still friends I’d try to facilitate some relationship, encourage him to hand down some old toys, ideally give birthday and Christmas presents etc, for which he needs to know…

Ex is a man child and has no say.

BeccaSouth · 28/09/2025 09:57

You don’t need permission to tell your child they have a half-sibling. As this is your ex-partner, he no longer has any right to dictate what you do or say. What awful behaviour to disown an innocent unborn child, as well. If your child finds out from another source, they will always wonder what else you could be keeping from them.

drspouse · 28/09/2025 10:01

Seelybee · 28/09/2025 09:24

@GoldenTiger I do despair at the notion that you say it is your child’s ‘mental health’ you are worried about if someone (presumably a peer) told them about this baby. They are 8. What would happen? They’d come home and tell you what had been said and you would then explain the basic facts. Hardly likely to cause a mental health crisis in a young child.
Only you can decide whether it’s least worst to go against his father’s preference, but if your child did hear elsewhere there’s nothing your ex can do or say about it.

Unlikely to affect them at 8. But do you never read stories of adult children who weren't told about siblings until a cousin told them? It can be devastating.
My DC are adopted and we think one of them has older birth siblings on their birth dad's side - we will be looking for them via Ancestry DNA so that they can all know at a point when they will have adults to support them with the discovery.

CurlewKate · 28/09/2025 10:03

Do you actually want to be in a relationship who is abandoning his child, however conceived?