ADVICE NEEDED - Ex doesnt want to tell our child about his secret baby

[GoldenTiger]

I separated from my ex partner who then began dating my best friend for a short while and they are now pregnant with his child. My ex wants nothing to do with this child, so has decided he isnt having any involvement, he no longer talks to my friend who is due to give birth soon.

My ex had said he is not telling our child about their half-sibling and that I have no right to tell them either - our child is 8, he plans on them never finding out. However, I have numerous other close friends who know about the baby and their children know about the baby and the pregnant friend lives a very short drive away. I'm fearful for our child's mental health should they find out through someone else or through another child talking about it to them, as I feel this is likely. I have said to my ex that they need to tell them due to my concerns of someone else telling them and the betrayal they might feel because of it. It's breaking my heart for our child because I feel they should know, I don't want them to feel I've hidden something from them but their dad won't allow me to. He has been emotionally aggressive and physical aggressive in the past, no physical harm to me or our child but has hit things in our home, which is why I left the relationship which makes me worried about telling our child when he's saying no.

Please can someone offer some insight or advice, any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated.

We've spoken and I've been kept upto date with baby news.

I don't believe the adults would ever purposely tell her, but if I bumped into friend, they already have a child who would mention it as they're aware their sibling and my child have the same father and friends children know, so they could mention it innocently to my child. The baby would be their first sibling, so I'm worried other kids could ask if they're excited about it etc

I think if youre confident telling your child is the right thing id do it. ExP lost any right to preferences when he was aggressive and impregnating your friends.

You arent being spiteful or malicious, youre making a judgement for your child. I would just do it and stop doubting yourself, youre the best parent shes got

Tell her. Lying and keeping things or telling the proper truth down the line yet letting them be involved isn’t going to be In your daughters best interest.

Children have half siblings all the time this really isn’t some awful dirty secret.

Child needs to know incase decades down the line they end up dating their half siblings due to genetic sibling attraction.

This is why I don't understand why it's being hidden from them. Lots of children have half-siblings, I understand their dad doesn't want to see sibling but I'm pretty sure a child wouldn't think too much off it anyway and the reasoning could be explained when they're older if they're wanting to know but there seems to be no benefit of keeping this hidden from them.

This is anothing thing that worries me about them not knowing.

He’s burying his head in the sand and not putting the children first. That’s it.

Your daughter will be damaged emotionally if she is lied to.

Its being hidden because if its acknowledged this baby is his there might be pressure to be involved or provide. Hes not claiming the child so wants you and your child to ignore it too.

He wants to pretend this isnt happening

@GoldenTiger I hope i misread this! did you mean to type EXp and EX dear friend?? They both betrayed you so both should be EX! you owe nothing to either of them! your ex is no longer allowed in your house. you can tell your child what ever you need to keep them stable.

A friend discovered her father had a child from a previous relationship who he never saw - he'd been married before her mother. Finding this out at 19ish completely destroyed her relationship with her father and seriously damaged the one with her mother. I completely agree that it shouldn't be a secret, but I can't advise on how to tell.

I've had a few people say this, we'd obviously never be close the way we were again and we've only communicated via messages rather than seeing eachother IRL. I can help but empathise with them and what he's put them through, yes they knew it all, I've cried to them numerous times about my ex but there's an innocent baby involved now, and my child's been put in the middle of it all (albeit by being hidden rather than physically in the middle). Maybe I'm stupid for caring, but that's my child's half-sibling and I'd do anything for my child, even if that's me facilitating them having contact with the baby of my ex and my best friend. It's hard.

@GoldenTiger that's such a considered attitude. If your DC is an only and you can still tolerate your friend it could end up as positive for your DC. Such a messy situation and your ex sounds awful, pity your friend wasn't more wary and savvy. As it is hopefully a resolution presents itself for the benefit of the children especially.

I'd tell my child as even if ex doesn't want a relationship with this child that doesn't mean your child won't want a relationship with that child and your child and the new child are entitled to one and I hope you and the other childs mum are mature enough no matter how you feel about each other now or in the future to make that happen.

You should tell the child so the news that he has a half sibling is normalized. A teen or adult will be furious with you and your h if he finds out elsewhere and you will both become the villain for keeping the secret.

I also think that you should tell just in case the child or ex contacts your son on social media when he joins it. If the split is nasty then telling your son the secret could become a sticking point. Even worse algorithms could send him pics with tags that give the secret away. The news is best coming from you and his dad. Also there is the threat of ancestry tests giving away the secret.

I’m not judging if your son meets or doesn’t meet his half sibling but I really think that supporting him at age 8 will be easier than if he’s a teen or adult when he finds out.

Yes this. Also he doesn't get to police what vital information people share with others. Glad he is your ex.

Screw him and his warped opinions of life! He's hardly proven his ability to make sound decisions has he?! So he's broken up the home of his first child and now wants nothing to do with his second?!
Do what's in the best interest of your child and if you feel they will be affected emotionally in a negative way by not being told, then tell them yourself! Do not let this worthless shit of a man ruin your relationship and trust bond you have with your son by silencing you with his dirty little secret!!!

This. My nephew doesn't know he has an older brother and I'm terrified about how he will be affected when he finds out. It's like having a landmine hidden in your house

He doesn't get to dictate what you say to anyone. Tell your child.

This is another reason I feel they should know, I've no resentment or animosity towards my friend. Things happen but now there's a baby involved and our child in middle. If our child wanted a relationship and friend allowed it, I'd happily allow this to happen. Even if dad is choosing to not be in their siblings life, I don't see why our child should miss out especially when they're an only child (not that it would make a difference if they weren't) but I don't plan on having anymore children so this could potentially be their only chance of having a sibling and it's being taken away if dads demands were being followed.

I think in this situation I'd wait for the birth to actually take place before saying anything, so you know it worked out OK and you can give your child a gender and name for their sibling - maybe even show them a photo.

Just tell your son.
What is your ex going to do?

It's in your son's best interests to know. Your ex doesn't get to make that decision. There's too much of a chance of your son finding out by other means which would destroy his trust in both parents.

@GoldenTiger Maybe I'm stupid for caring, so after spilling your guts to your "dear" friend, she still decided to stab you in the back and have a relationship with your ex???? and you think this is fine???????? god give me strength!!

Dad doesn't pay for his child so Dad doesn't get to demand anything.

It's that simple.

That's wonderful to hear that you are thinking about the childrens rights to a sibling relationship. Your child will thank you for doing everything within your power to make that happen even if you can't because the other mum isn't open to it (and I hope she is). I know alot that refuse to do that for their kids.

I was thinking this too, especially with them living nearby and only being 8 years apart - could happen!