ADVICE NEEDED - Ex doesnt want to tell our child about his secret baby

[GoldenTiger]

I separated from my ex partner who then began dating my best friend for a short while and they are now pregnant with his child. My ex wants nothing to do with this child, so has decided he isnt having any involvement, he no longer talks to my friend who is due to give birth soon.

My ex had said he is not telling our child about their half-sibling and that I have no right to tell them either - our child is 8, he plans on them never finding out. However, I have numerous other close friends who know about the baby and their children know about the baby and the pregnant friend lives a very short drive away. I'm fearful for our child's mental health should they find out through someone else or through another child talking about it to them, as I feel this is likely. I have said to my ex that they need to tell them due to my concerns of someone else telling them and the betrayal they might feel because of it. It's breaking my heart for our child because I feel they should know, I don't want them to feel I've hidden something from them but their dad won't allow me to. He has been emotionally aggressive and physical aggressive in the past, no physical harm to me or our child but has hit things in our home, which is why I left the relationship which makes me worried about telling our child when he's saying no.

Please can someone offer some insight or advice, any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated.

Tell him that either he tells your DC, or you do.

Batshit to try and keep it a secret.

I'm also interested if your child's paternal grandparents know, or if he plans to keep it a secret from them too. He may not only be trying to protect his reputation with your child but stop your child leaking it back to his Mum and Dad....

I'd email him something like

'I have considered this situation very carefully.

I understand that you don't want our child to know about the new baby.

However, my sole concern is our child's wellbeing, and keeping a secret like this from them is a mistake.

The truth would inevitably come out and could damage both our relationships with them.

I have therefore told them the truth about the new baby in very simple terms.

While I understand that you will not be happy about this, our child's happiness is my only concern.'

I’m have a similar situation 18 years ago I had a son and although planned the Father was completely cruel. He left filled with his own sense of importance and discarding myself and the child. Even saying “I will slam the door in this child’s face should he come looking for me”.

Since then he’s got married and moved into a modest home and has had three children. I know this as I ordered the children’s birth certificates (my son’s half siblings) when born. So I know the mother’s name, occupation, address, names. They’re public records and I haven’t contacted them and won’t.

However, I posted on Facebook that my son is off to a top universities. I now see fake accounts which are clearly his Father snooping on him, through me as my son doesn’t do social media. I tell my son everything and my son doesn’t feel he will have anything in common with his paternal side.

He has now got desperate used his actual name and tried to add me as a friend but it’s not his family account just a blank account it’s definitely being sneaky and I’m certain he hasn’t told his wife or children only his Mother would know about our son. This man is now tying himself in knots being sneaky but wanting some kudos for the son I raised alone. He’s not interested in an actual relationship otherwise you’d go about things in a far more civilised way than fake accounts. I’ve had one experience of this man’s morals in the gutter dragging myself and my son down and I’m certainly not interested in a repeat. I know why he’s back, but it’s a difficult one when you have a wife and kids to come clean to and you risk your adult child not wishing to know you either, so it’s a risk.

Your Ex can behave like an alley cat but enabling his behaviour isn’t wise. Tell the child, your husband will lightly be embarrassed about his behaviour wanting to hide it for pretence. This is not setting a good example to your own son. Be honest and transparent it’s easier in the long run.

You need to tell your child.

simply but truth

daddy has had another baby with xyz - would they recognise the name if she was your best friend

ex doesn’t get to choose that he wants nothing to do with this child but if that’s how he feels then tell friend to contact cms

thi if you get any money via him for DS , your amount will go down.

not much of a friend if she went with your ex imo

and now she knows he’s a knob as has abandoned her as well

You absolutely tell your child in a gentle and age appropriate way. They can make their own decisions about how they feel about their dad’s behaviour as a result. Your job as a parent is to honour the trusting open relationship with your child, not to protect this loser.

It’s not quite the same situation, but I have friend from school who found out about her dad’s other children by surprise. Her mum was his affair partner and her dad walked away from his family to be with her and have a baby. They kept his older children a secret. But her dad always took them away to this same holiday resort every summer where he’d gone since he was a child. Not surprisingly, he also used to take his older children there before he abandoned them. My friend was at the pool (she was probably 11/12) and started to play with a toddler of another family who was there. She got to talking to the parents of the toddler and just by sharing a few details of where she lived and went to school, it all came out that the mum (in her 20s now) was in fact her half sister and they always came on holiday there because it was their family’s special place before their dad walked out on them. The older children knew about her, but she had no idea about them.

As you can imagine, it was a really delicate age to find out all this drama about your family and my friend went completely off the rails after that. Drugs, skipping school, got pregnant and had a baby at 14. It turned everything she felt was secure about her family life upside down. So much damage that could have been avoided if her parents had just been honest in an age appropriate way.

Once the secret is out, he can’t use it to bully and control you anymore. You already know he’s a shit dad, so if he gets any shittier, well, that’s just how it is and probably would have been anyway.

Unfortunately they know too and are on board with keeping it from our child

It's a situation where someone is guaranteed to be upset whether the news is delivered or not. The question is, why would you prioritise your useless ex feelings over that of your child and their sibling? He doesn't pay to support his current child and doesn't seem to plan on supporting the new one. Bugger his wishes.

Wow this takes me back! My dad had a baby with my mum's best friend, he eventually left my mum for her. They had a baby together, my sister knew straightaway, my brother found out when she was 8, and I found out when she was 11, I found out by mistake, I knocked my sisters handbag over and a picture fell out, I was 13. It was never fully explained why I wasn't told but it hurts, knowing everyone around you never told you and that it was all hidden away, I will never have a relationship with her as we don't know each other and it feels weird as she knew all about me and I knew nothing. Within my own family the dynamics are very strained from a lot of issues but this is a major one for me as I can't trust them. Even my husband can't get his head around how it was all hidden and kept hidden.

I’d tell your child

id also, if possible, try to facilitate contact with his half sibling

But why the big secret? What is it that he doesn't want his child to know?!?

Kids are very accepting of things. Telling him he is going to be a big brother because daddy has had a baby with someone else is hardly the end of the world.

Yes, obviously one day your son will realise that daddy wasn't very good at keeping his dick in his pants, but I really don't get why he cannot be told.

I can't speak on his behalf but my guess is that he doesn't want his current partner to know that he has a child on the way and it will impact others outlook on him if they are aware he has a child that he is choosing not to see. The friend group we once had now no longer speak to him because of different things he's done which has ruined their friendships.

I'm sorry you went through that, I don't think people realise the impact lying can have on a child. It's hurtful and such a huge betrayal, I don't understand how that trust can ever be repaired once the secrets out.

Please tell your child, I wouldn't want them going through what I did

This
OP, he sounds very unkind and harsh. There is an innocent soon to be born baby in the heart of all this that he wants nothing to do with????
Time to say goodbye to him for everyone's sake. How can you want to be in a relationship with him?

Perhaps it would be a kindness to let his current partner know, before she makes the same mistake your friend has made.

Oh I'm absolutely not in a relationship with him nor do I want to be. I'm in a settled relationship whilst he's dated numerous people since we split, including my friend which resulted in the situation at the moment. He sees our child weekly and he's dating someone new, which I'm assuming is why he doesn't want our child to know so it can't accidentally get to his current partner.

He never let's me meet his partners, and he refuses to meet mine. He's told our child alot about my current partner (the only person I've dated since we separated) that also isn't true, so I've been navigating that on top of all this.

The damage that will be done to your child from finding out you, their father and a multitude of other close people in their lives all knew something about them and hid it from them. Please do a little research, the affect on your child has a high chance of being really damaging. Who do they ever trust, if their closest carers etc lie to them, then there is no one. Please tell them, secrets are not healthy.

My dh has several half siblings . He isnt sure how many and was never told by his dad . His mum didnt know half the time anyway. Was not until he was an adult that he heard about some of them. And he has never been interested in contacting any of them.
He hardly new his dad so it makes no difference. Would se him for a few months then not for 6 months and so on.
But my point is he didnt mind not knowing . He doesnt see them as siblings.
If its going to cause you problems if you share custody I wouldn't mention it till your child is older. Especially if they won't be seeing each other .

OP what’s your relationship like with your friend now? Do you think you could both facilitate the children having a relationship if that’s what your child wants?

If he is the sort of person to tell your dc lies about any partner you are with - then telling your child the truth about a half sibling is really something you can do, can always be sure if your dc says something - then your ex will tell his new partner at the time it s lies

you can't control how your ex behaves if your dc lets the cat out of the bag, you can warn your dc that there may be fireworks if this information comes out at their fathers house. Its a minefield to navigate but your loyalty lies with your child and making sure the trust between you is kept on faith and trust

This is something I'd be happy to do, I've no resentment towards my friend. I'm just seeing this as there's two innocent children involved and they both deserve to know their sibling. If friend is happy for my child to have involvement, and that's what my child would want, I'd try to make it possible.

Also, some of the girls were clearly overhearing very confidential conversations that their mothers were having with friends and then the girls were repeating them verbatim.
Awful.
My youngest gave me the private life of her lovely teacher and her boyfriend troubles as she was friends with a mother's younger sister......she was pregnant and didn't know whether or not she was going to keep the baby!
Dreadful.

This was in an excellent private school.
I TOTALLY judged the mother for having that conversation around her daughter, as did several friends.

Young children are lethal.....as are teen girls for the gossip they hear in school, and pasabaround with ease.

The OP is 100% correct to protect her child by telling them.

Shes still your friend?

But in response to your OP. I dont think an adult would say to a child thats your half sibling. Id make my own decison. If my child was going to be around the baby id explain, if they werent id probably wait until they were older and explain why I was telling them when I did