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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people are not that nice?

77 replies

Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 15:23

Possibly controversial, and there are of course some people who are incredibly lovely. Of course people can be very kind and genuine yet have boundaries, but what I want to say is that many people display elements of shitty behaviour.

Many friendships are just of convenience, they're local or they work with you. Leave that job/move an hour away you'll not hear from them again, because they can't be arsed.

People love to talk about others, gossip, judge, make fun of them.
Some friends if they think they've 'made it' in life i.e. marriage, kids, promotion and big house, well they think they can't relate to you anymore and they're above you now.

Many think nothing of leaving their partner for someone else.
I'm just a little fed up.

OP posts:
MagicLoop · 27/09/2025 15:27

YABU imo. I think most people are pretty nice.
This paragraph in particular isn't something I can relate to based on people I know:

People love to talk about others, gossip, judge, make fun of them.
Some friends if they think they've 'made it' in life i.e. marriage, kids, promotion and big house, well they think they can't relate to you anymore and they're above you now.

Of course friendships arise from convenience and most of them aren't very deep, so it's natural to move on if you move away. I don't think that means that people are not nice.

ExtraOnions · 27/09/2025 15:28

Nobody is perfect .. we all have days where we might be a bit more short-tempered, a bit less understanding - doesn’t make them shit people, makes them human.

I have loads of great people around me, family, friends, acquaintances - a vast majority of them are nice people. If I was in real trouble, I can think of at Lear half a dozen people I couid ring, and they would be straight round.

Zov · 27/09/2025 15:28

I think YABU sorry @Cougar47

I think SOME people are not that nice. Some people are nice. (Well..... most of the time, No-one is nice ALL the time!) 😆

Original poster
Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 15:29

I've seen it in work recently. Have a new manager who is clearly nervous/inexperienced and people in my team are calling him all sorts of names behind his back. He's done nothing wrong and is trying his best but colleagues in their 30s and 40s are laughing and calling him a weirdo.

OP posts:
Zov · 27/09/2025 15:30

Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 15:29

I've seen it in work recently. Have a new manager who is clearly nervous/inexperienced and people in my team are calling him all sorts of names behind his back. He's done nothing wrong and is trying his best but colleagues in their 30s and 40s are laughing and calling him a weirdo.

Cruel indeed, but sounds like pack mentality. There's a 100% guarantee that all members of this group of people, would not be behaving/speaking like this, if they were on their own.

.

Uggbootsforever · 27/09/2025 15:30

MagicLoop · 27/09/2025 15:27

YABU imo. I think most people are pretty nice.
This paragraph in particular isn't something I can relate to based on people I know:

People love to talk about others, gossip, judge, make fun of them.
Some friends if they think they've 'made it' in life i.e. marriage, kids, promotion and big house, well they think they can't relate to you anymore and they're above you now.

Of course friendships arise from convenience and most of them aren't very deep, so it's natural to move on if you move away. I don't think that means that people are not nice.

This. What is actually wrong with convenience friendships? I have 3 very close friends, who I would go to significant efforts for if unwell or similar, or would lend them a sum of money if needed. The rest I would happily do a school run for if I was going that way etc but are more convenience friendships. I like to think they’re still beneficial as we enjoy each others company and can do the odd small favour, when time permits

Original poster
Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 15:30

I've found that friends were happy for me to fork out hundreds on their occasions, but when I moved 1 hour away I was forgotten about even though they all have cars and glued to devices.

OP posts:
Mysticguru · 27/09/2025 15:31

YABU

Generally people are nice IME but unfortunately and inevitably we all come across the one who isn't.

Original poster
Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 15:31

I get that you are more likely to have local friends, but what I mean is messaging a colleague you used to meet up with on weekends when you worked together. Then messaging when you're in a new job (in the same city) and being ghosted/completely forgotten about. Just because you don't work together doesn't mean you must never associate again, I don't get it.

OP posts:
Zov · 27/09/2025 15:33

I'm sorry you have been shat on, and treated badly by your ex colleagues/so called friends @Cougar47 but I think your bad experiences are clouding your judgement and views, and you're projecting.

BeHappySloth · 27/09/2025 15:34

Some people aren't very nice. I'm sorry that you have encountered a lot of those people.

I actually think most people are genuinely very nice. I have experienced incredible kindness, sometimes from complete strangers.

Original poster
Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 15:35

I have met some lovely people at work. However im changing jobs next month and I can imagine they'll probably have no interest in seeing me again. It's not always easy to make new friends in your 30s, hobbies can be good but not always the answer.

OP posts:
Mrspatmoresapprentice · 27/09/2025 15:40

YANBU. I often find myself shocked by the things people say to or about people they are supposed to be friends with or care about. And how people can be so utterly fucking selfish and just….not care how it affects others. I also hate the current trend of using “boundaries” or “self-care” as an excuse to behave like a total twat.

Thistooshallpsss · 27/09/2025 15:44

I think work colleagues are a bit different as we go from seeing them every day to not seeing them without a real effort. I have rarely kept friends from work not because I or they are horrible it’s just work was the glue.

User14March · 27/09/2025 15:44

Generally, you get what you give. If you think others are flawed you’ll project that malaise back & be disliked. Look for the good & help them impress you.

Upstartled · 27/09/2025 15:45

I think most people are nice. But I think some people set the bar of what it is to be nice ridiculously high to serve their own very needy and demanding preference - and anyone with a shred of self preservation gives that a swerve.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 27/09/2025 16:02

Yanbu

People delight in being nasty imo

Could be that i'm having a day thinking about all of the bullying I've survived but honestly, I think its wise to expect nastiness before anything else from people

Original poster
Cougar47 · 27/09/2025 16:03

For example, if a friend had bought a new house and invited me to a housewarming I'd make every effort to go unless I were ill/emergency etc.

But I've seen that where people were ohh no I've got far better things to do, even if said friend went to all their hens/weddings/baby showers.
It's like anything that isn't a wedding or a baby is completely unimportant.

OP posts:
PastaAllaNorma · 27/09/2025 16:12

Most people are nice most of the time. It's a survival strategy in a social species. Everyone is unpleasant sometimes, or gets it wrong, or forgets, or is overwhelmed.

The majority will be nice to the people they like (and who like them) and less engaged with those they have no connection with. That's not being horrible, that's having limited social resources. I do think that, ,at heart most people are pretty decent and nice to be around.

I do think there was a significant switch post-Lockdown to being less willing to come to social events. That year or so of enforced isolation kind of broke the social contract of reciprocal get togethers.

nomas · 27/09/2025 16:17

At least you can usually avoid nasty people.

The people who annoy me are the ones who just have no spatial awareness or consciousness of those around them. They reveal their utter disdain for others by where they stand, how they walk and how they behave.

YelloDaisy · 27/09/2025 16:20

Many think nothing of leaving their partner for someone else

Anyone I know who has been through a divorce found it traumatic and difficult even if they ended up in a much better place. Think of the issues regarding children or even just family / parents - it's no easy thing - and then there's the money/ house etc

Jellybunny56 · 27/09/2025 16:22

I think counting colleagues skews it a bit really. I am very friendly with all of my colleagues but if they switched jobs would we meet for coffees etc socially? No. That doesn’t mean we aren’t friends now, but we are only friends because we spend time together at work and that’s okay.

My own actual friendship group as well as my husband’s & ours jointly has weathered many jobs, cross country moves, people moving literally to the other side of the world & back again, we have a huge range of incomes, relationship status’, home owner/rent/still at home with parents, vastly different jobs, personalities, people, and we are still all amazing friends regardless and have been for years and years.

Surface level friendships like colleagues etc are not really “meant” to stand the test of distance & time- those friendships are just convenience & same place same time and that’s okay.

YelloDaisy · 27/09/2025 16:22

I've travelled by train from Scotland to London quite regularly this year. People are polite, considerate, friendly - really improves your impression of the average British person. Travelling by air is not the same.

JLou08 · 27/09/2025 16:22

Probably depends what circles you move in and your outlook on life. Most people I spend time with are genuinely good people. I see some nasty comments on MN so there definitely are bad ones out there, and obviously we all hear about horrific events-murders, domestic abuse etc.
I do think it's a bit unfair to say a colleague moving away and not bothering anymore is a sign people aren't nice. I wouldn't call them relationships of convenience, more people we enjoy the company of but for whatever reason the friendship never goes deep enough to withstand the distance.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 27/09/2025 16:25

I think perhaps the difficulty is that in your 30s, most people are in a position where they are settling down (the hen dos and weddings) or having a family (the baby showers) and that their lives pretty much revolve around their partners or their children. And unfortunately if you are not in that position, I can see why you would feel left out and that your friends think less of you. I don’t think it’s true that you are unimportant to them but I guess there are only so many hours in a day and they are prioritising their families. I don’t think this makes them horrible, but I certainly agree that it’s thoughtless.

It may seem odd but this is probably where friends of convenience do come in. I had children around 10 years later than most of my school/ college friends and there was a period in my late 20s/early 30s that I did gravitate towards people without children, as they were the ones willing and able to socialise after work or go away for the weekend, when my older friends wouldn’t. I don’t think it’s about people feeling they are better than others, just life happening with all the changes this brings.