To think most people are not that nice?

[Cougar47]

Possibly controversial, and there are of course some people who are incredibly lovely. Of course people can be very kind and genuine yet have boundaries, but what I want to say is that many people display elements of shitty behaviour.

Many friendships are just of convenience, they're local or they work with you. Leave that job/move an hour away you'll not hear from them again, because they can't be arsed.

People love to talk about others, gossip, judge, make fun of them.
Some friends if they think they've 'made it' in life i.e. marriage, kids, promotion and big house, well they think they can't relate to you anymore and they're above you now.

Many think nothing of leaving their partner for someone else.
I'm just a little fed up.

I've never quite got this "they are just people you have to work with" thing..
Aren't a lot of us friends with "just people you have to go to school with" or "just people you were at university with" - I don't see any distinction.

I think hobbies ARE the answer. You just have to give it time (and find the right hobby). One can not expect to join a hobby group/other group and get new best friends immediately, but if you give it time and really get involved, it will quite likely result in great friends.

I'm in a literary society, and I have met lovely new friends in that group. It's so good, because we all love the same author, we always have something to talk about, and we are all working towards a common goal, to spread knowledge about and promote that author.

Survival of the fittest comes more to the forefront the harder life becomes - niceness when it benefits us may aid our survival, niceness for the sake of it may hinder our survival.

Well, no, and that sort of reinforces the point. There was 30 people in my school class, 25 of them are “just people I went to school with”, 5 of them are my friends and have been ever since.

There was 100 people in my uni lectures, 98 of them are “just people I went to uni with”, 2 of them are friends and have been since.

Same applies to work. Most of the people you’re friendly with at work/school/uni you’re just friends with because you’re forced to spend that time together so once that time is up, any who haven’t become friends (which is totally normal) just drop off your radar.

Nah, most people are lovely but its the horrible ones that you remember so therefore clouds judgement

I don’t believe so, no. I think the majority of people are fundamentally good and want to help and support.

I am chuffing delightful me.😄

I have had a number of jobs after having kids - caring responsibilities etc and have kept in touch with friends I have worked with.

But. Respectfully. If you move, YOU keep in touch. If you leave YOU keep in touch. If you have made special friendships, both make the effort. Convenience friendships you need to be pushing things like meet ups. They are there, where they have always been/stayed. You.left.them.

I actually think this is really unusual. Huge numbers of people who do hobbies aren’t interested in making any more friends and it just doesn’t happen. I cringe at this idea you can just rock up and a running club/ painting lesson/ cookery course and somehow everyone is circling for friends, like NCT.

I agree with you. I think generally people are not nice at all, unless they get something out of it.

Bit different to friends but take for example an airport or train station, people push and shove, don't hold doors open. It's all for themselves.

And then there are friends and family to some extent, but not all. I'm lost count the amount of friends, and some family, who never visit, don't make any arrangements unless you make them first, cancel last minute. In fact if you never contacted them first they would probably never bother with you again.

So yes, I think people are generally self-centered. I think I used to be "too nice" both to strangers and friends. I've toughened up a bit and maybe I'm a bit more self-centered now, because how I've been treated, walked all over, taken for granted, etc. I've learned that I have very few true friends no matter what but some friends, even family if and when DC grow up and links have disappeared, they won't bother anymore.

@Cougar47 I agree with you - I would say though it’s not that they aren’t nice but as you say are ‘convenience’ transitional relationships. A lot of people do want deep friendships that often simply aren’t easily obtainable as adults without all that back history of years and years

Ah yes, that explains why my sister didn't ever, ever, ever even contact me first, after I moved. It wouldn't be remotely related to the fact that she's self centered and self obsessed. Tangent, sorry, but actually I think both parties need to make effort if they want to maintain a friendship.

I think most people are nice. Never worked with anyone really nasty. Just loads of people who used to make me cry laughing.

I expect people to be pleasant and treat me well.

Hi OP, I find this an interesting point that yes people do fall down at being nice/ good consistently, I think it’s part of the human condition. People tend to centralise their worlds to function as life is too complex and demanding to take on others needs (outside their core circle) perhaps more than ad hoc. Of course there are true humanitarians who rise above and beyond, those famed for selfless acts and lives devoted to others but I think the reality is most people have capacity to care up to a point but stretch that connection (like you said due to change in circumstances) and most will break.

It is like the people that matter most are connected like spokes to the centre of someone’s wheel. I feel like as a friend or work colleague or neighbour I can be like an additional spoke in someone’s else’s wheel and vice versa, but do not expect it will stay permanent. Some special ones do but most won’t. I think it’s normal for connecting spokes to fall away when the central connecting area is no longer shared or becomes redundant. It doesn’t stop it being difficult/ hurtful though when it is a friend or connection you value a lot, sorry OP it sounds like this has happened to you.

It has helped me to appreciate the time I do have being a spoke on someone's else wheel to keep in mind we all have a finite amount of resources in our lives at any given point; time, energy, emotional, physical, financial etc. I fully expect friends to spend their resources on their core needs as do I with my family. I find life as a parent full on (often pretty exhausting) and have to budget our resources carefully as I used to be very generous with my time but that is not possible anymore. I am careful with committing to extra things unless I’m confident it’s manageable and worth the energy expense. My DC, DH come first and I am learning to put my own health and well-being higher up the list too. We have a dc with health needs so this has definitely played a big part in how we have to organise our lives now, I am also older and find it easier to say no. I also respect others when they say no, as we all have to prioritise. Although I do believe in the importance of good manners, there is always time to be polite imo. I think the digital social-comms age we live in has eroded the being nice you describe and manners generally unfortunately.

Yabu.

Beautiful way to put it, completely agree.

It’s so true.

I’ve always kept myself to myself because I kind of used to fear being judged, and I’m also a tad socially inept.

I’ve become way better at socialising with age. I’ve made a couple of Mum friends recently and come to see pretty quickly that they were selfish, bitchy, manipulative etc (not saying I’m perfect, but I’m not an absolute twat). It just reinforced the feelings that I don’t really want to make anymore friends than my original friends from school.

Thank you it has honestly helped me to hold adult relationships in a healthier frame (friends old and new, co-workers, school friends and acquaintances, neighbours etc). Even family, when their lives and plates got fuller such as new babies, changes of jobs etc it means a shift in dynamic and I adjusted my expectations. It is hard juggling all the balls that life throws at us and I think I am more grateful now being present ‘in the moment’ with family and friends.

I don't think much of 'nice'

Nice gets you treated badly, taken for granted, overlooked and disregarded.

Nice is required of women but not men.

I'm not that nice, nor do I want to be.

As I have got older, I realised that most people are transient. Some are more transient than others. Look to yourself, your family and your hobbies. Have a safety net for when life gets tough, be it a hobby, a safe place, a safe ritual i.e. light a candle, read a book etc. You will be grateful for your bolt hole during life's storms.

Most people are generally nice enough. Just because you don’t hear from someone after you leave a job doesn’t mean they aren’t nice it’s probably because life gets in the way and people generally concentrate on relationships which are relevant to their lives at the moment.
Work relationships I find are made through proximity ie you see them everyday and you have the shared experience of work, once that’s not there anymore the relationship falls by the wayside. It’s not horrible people it’s just life.
Same with people who get married, have children etc their lives have changed and they seek people in similar circumstances that’s also life.

I don’t have a lot of spare time and I don’t tend to use the time I have to communicate with ex colleagues from 5 years ago, unless a very good friend was made. Sometimes there will be a meet up but people move on and meet up with the people they work with now.

I think a lot of people are not nice but that might be down to my own rigid thinking about people.

I like to think most people are pretty socially minded in that they would step in if there was an immediate crisis and someone needed help. However, yes, people do like to gossip and it is too easy to so wrapped up in your day to day life and struggle to find the energy to contact people as much as you might like to. Not sure that means that they're not nice though. I suppose nice is a subjective word.

I was on a relatively quiet country road this week, two cars in the distance in front of me, no other traffic, day time, light, safe area. On the side of the road was an older lady, sat on the ground, with a bleeding face. You couldn’t miss her. The two cars in front of me drove past her without stopping. So no, I don’t think most people are “ socially minded”.

They might not have seen her. I dont think people driving cars tend to notice what pedestrians are up to if it not walking out infront of them.

It’s a single track country road, with zero pavement or pedestrians. She was wearing a white floral frock, sat on the grass small side verge. If you do not see that? You shouldn’t be driving. You literally could not miss her. They absolutely saw her but they just drove past.