Tried to help out a friend

[Upontherooooof]

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice please. I have a feeling things are about to go wrong. I let a friend move into my spare room three and a half weeks ago. They were living in a damp, run down apartment and couldn't afford anything more than what they were paying in rent.

About 2 months ago, they asked if I would consider renting them my spare room. I'm a single female, early 30s and must admit cost of living has begun to pinch me. I've know this person for around five years and after a discussion and some thought, agreed to this temporary situation, until something more affordable came along and to help me over winter with bills etc.

The agreement was she'd pay me weekly, we'd both do our bit in regards to cooking etc and agreed it would also be company for us both. I do get a bit bored of an evening and we both have similar interests, so thought this would be a nice idea, taking the edge off and helping each other in return. We agreed a schedule for cleaning also.

Initially, she paid me up front and helped a little around the house. We both have our own lives and so passed pleasantries as and when we were home together. Her mother has recently downsized her property and had some items of furniture to give away, I arrived home one day to some of these items in my home. She said her mum was going to skip them and so she thought I might like them. They aren't my taste but I just said thank you and thought I'd get rid once she leaves.

We are now three and a half weeks in, I have accumulated more things from her mother's house. She has not done any washing since she's been here, so much so there's an odour starting to come from her room. She has cooked twice since she's been here, but has eaten meals I've made for myself, when made extra for work. She hasn't paid me on time, if at all since. She sits in her room when she is here with tv on and heating all day or is out until all hours.

I don't really care what she does outside of here but it isn't nice being woken up at 2/3 in the morning, maybe 3 times a week, especially when I have work the next morning or am tired from working nearly 50 hours a week. There suddenly seems to be no friendship and I feel a little awkward in my own home, being avoided almost it feels. I'm not an overly loud or in your face person and have done my best to be welcoming, but I really am starting to feel uncomfortable. I can be home for 6 hours and she will literally walk past the room I'm in and not acknowledge me.

Would I be unreasonable to readdress some house rules and if unreceptive, give her until November to move? I'm really feeling a bit hurt and like a stranger in my own home.

Oh dear OP, this is now a sticky situation and may be very tricky to get her out

I am guessing you didn’t get a contract together? Guessing she’s paying you cash? Guessing you haven’t updated your insurance company that your property now has a lodger?

What did you agree about the length of her stay?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to want out of the arrangement, but take responsibility for whatever agreement you made with her.

If you didn’t make any agreement about the length, then time to have a chat along the lines of ‘this isn’t working for me, I need to give you x weeks notice’.

Hi @Broccolitime yes actually, I have updated my insurance. What an odd assumption to make?
I am the owner of my property, we had a verbal agreement between friends.
She also isn't paying me cash, I don't actually know anyone who carries cash these days.
Do you have a helpful response?

Oh no OP I’m sorry this sounds horrible. I think best to get the rules laid down now and sort it out before it gets worse. She sounds like she’s being quiet and avoiding you to keep the peace or avoid being asked to pay. Does she not work?

A wise man once said.."Never let anyone move into your house, no matter how sad their story is..."

Tell her it's not working out, and she has a month to leave. Also, demand the money she owes you. You'll need to be assertive OP because she sounds like the type to string you along and stay there for months. Give her an end date and stick to it no matter what.

Now you know why she was living in a damp and rundown apartment. She’s now started to do the same to your house.

Just tell her it’s not working out for you and unfortunately she will have to move on. Give her a specific date when ‘your mother is coming to stay’ or something.

If you want to preserve the friendship (why?) then fob her off if you are done with her just tell her that she’s not sticking to her side of the agreement. Also unless she pays every penny she owes you she can expect to be moving more quickly than she thought.

@Hurumphh hello, thank you for your response. The agreement was until the winter was over, as her flat as in really poor condition. It was also to give her time to save for a more habitable property.

She opened the door to her room the other day and the smell is awful. I have asked her if she has any washing, trying to prompt her along but she just grunted 'no thanks' and shut the door. I come home and there's cups, plates, food wrappers out. Never taken rubbish to the bin. I wasn't expecting this from a fully grown adult.

Just tell her you really miss having your own space and give her a month's notice. She's not a good friend so does it matter if she's displeased?

Thanks all for your responses. I really appreciate it. I will give her until the end of October, should things not change in the meantime. @Bishopsbuddy Yes she works full time, but has 3 days a week off.

Thank you again. I will just change the locks and remove her goods if needs be. I don't enjoy being like this, but feel I'm being taken advantage of massively.

There’s nothing more to be said here than just give her notice to leave.

So no written tenancy between the two of you?
A verbal agreements? Goodness, I can’t believe that the friendship has deteriorated SO quickly!
and has a standing order for weekly rent?

I know it's awkward but you really need to say something now.

Do you want her to leave or change her ways?

Of you want the money first start there. Ask for it now, by bank transfer. If she says no you immediately give notice 'so you can get a new lodger', 2 weeks is sufficient.

If she gives you it then you can mention the other issues, either ask her to leave or to change.

It was very kind of you to do this, I can see how it would happen.

@Broccolitime is that how you approach your friendships in life? Contracts and bank arrangements? Sounds sad to me. Quite happy giving people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. I definitely would never ask a friend to sign an agreement if they came to me asking for help. Ever. Nor would I do so in the future.

Don’t worry too much about how you might be perceived by her or anyone else. Your friendship’ is over now, whatever happens, so just go Route One - I need you out and I need the money for the time you’ve been here. End of.
Book a locksmith and start getting rid of the excess stuff she’s moved in from her parent’s house.

Good luck. Lesson learned! xx

@Upontherooooof she is a longer so actually has no rights. You do not need to give her till the end of October and personally I would give 2 weeks notice because let's face it if she isn't paying you she's costing you money. You do realize her flat is probably in poor condition because of her.

She's digging in and fixing to never leave.
You need to get her out OP.

@DoodleLug she asked if she could set up a direct debit and I agreed as it was easier for her. I was quite happy to help her out and thought it would be nice to have someone else knocking around, as it's even lonelier during winter and my property is quite large for just myself. She must have cancelled the direct debit though because I haven't received anything. She's been paid since she's lived here too. We get paid the same week.
I'll put it down to experience and stick to the saying of you don't really know someone until you live with them.

In circumstances like this, it's best not to go softly softly, because it leaves too many opportunities for you to not get the outcome you want. So I would go straight for asking her to leave. She does actually still have her flat to go to, she wouldn't be on the street.

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus no the flat wasn't in the condition because of her. It was a very old, listed property. The landlord just wouldn't spend money on the upkeep. She isn't treating me fairly, but I wouldn't be a twit and blame her for stuff out of her control.

This woman is exploiting you, she is biting the hand that feeds her!
If someone did that to me they would find that same hand slapping them around the face- metaphorically of course🙂

@InMyOpenOnion no she doesn't have her flat, sorry I mustn't have mentioned that in my post.

Bite the bullet now and tell her this isn't working out and give her til the end of the month to move out. Be prepared that it might get nasty - if it does, you will have to call the police and have her removed. Once she's gone, change the locks. Do you have any sort of written agreement?

I think you need to give her notice now.
The longer she stays the more difficult it will be.
You don't need to give a list of reasons, you just need to say it isn't working for you so can she find somewhere else before October is out.

I wouldn’t let this go on any longer. It was good of you to offer but it all sounds grim and there is no benefit to you whatsoever.

What happens if you ask for the money now? I’d do that before telling her she’s going or you won’t see a penny.

agree that the friendship is a write off regardless but this isn’t a friendship worth keeping

Honestly, you have to use this experience as your opportunity in life to toughen up and not let others take advantage of you. Be prepared for the 'friendship' to die. But no loss there.

Knock on her door and tell her this isn't working out. That she has filled your house with unwanted furniture, that her room is smelling, that she is not being sociable and that she has to leave.

It's a casual arrangement and she still has her flat so you won't have any legal issues about making her homeless. Even if this were her main home, she is only a lodger not a tenant and so you can give her a week's notice, no more needed, and she can take the stuff back to her mum's where it came from.