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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tried to help out a friend

99 replies

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 13:46

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice please. I have a feeling things are about to go wrong. I let a friend move into my spare room three and a half weeks ago. They were living in a damp, run down apartment and couldn't afford anything more than what they were paying in rent.

About 2 months ago, they asked if I would consider renting them my spare room. I'm a single female, early 30s and must admit cost of living has begun to pinch me. I've know this person for around five years and after a discussion and some thought, agreed to this temporary situation, until something more affordable came along and to help me over winter with bills etc.

The agreement was she'd pay me weekly, we'd both do our bit in regards to cooking etc and agreed it would also be company for us both. I do get a bit bored of an evening and we both have similar interests, so thought this would be a nice idea, taking the edge off and helping each other in return. We agreed a schedule for cleaning also.

Initially, she paid me up front and helped a little around the house. We both have our own lives and so passed pleasantries as and when we were home together. Her mother has recently downsized her property and had some items of furniture to give away, I arrived home one day to some of these items in my home. She said her mum was going to skip them and so she thought I might like them. They aren't my taste but I just said thank you and thought I'd get rid once she leaves.

We are now three and a half weeks in, I have accumulated more things from her mother's house. She has not done any washing since she's been here, so much so there's an odour starting to come from her room. She has cooked twice since she's been here, but has eaten meals I've made for myself, when made extra for work. She hasn't paid me on time, if at all since. She sits in her room when she is here with tv on and heating all day or is out until all hours.

I don't really care what she does outside of here but it isn't nice being woken up at 2/3 in the morning, maybe 3 times a week, especially when I have work the next morning or am tired from working nearly 50 hours a week. There suddenly seems to be no friendship and I feel a little awkward in my own home, being avoided almost it feels. I'm not an overly loud or in your face person and have done my best to be welcoming, but I really am starting to feel uncomfortable. I can be home for 6 hours and she will literally walk past the room I'm in and not acknowledge me.

Would I be unreasonable to readdress some house rules and if unreceptive, give her until November to move? I'm really feeling a bit hurt and like a stranger in my own home.

OP posts:
ForGoldFawn · 28/09/2025 19:49

Kick her out... not now...right now....

Kerensa70 · 28/09/2025 19:52

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 13:51

Hi @Broccolitime yes actually, I have updated my insurance. What an odd assumption to make?
I am the owner of my property, we had a verbal agreement between friends.
She also isn't paying me cash, I don't actually know anyone who carries cash these days.
Do you have a helpful response?

I think they might have asked you as your insurance can offer legal cover if you need it?

Theseventhmagpie · 28/09/2025 19:56

I would be really brutal OP. Tell her it’s not working and you want her to leave. I would give her a week to leave and I would be prepared to change the locks when she’s out if she refuses.

ThePoliteLion · 28/09/2025 20:16

Get rid asap.
I’m sorry your great kindness has been thrown back in your face like this.

Jorge14 · 28/09/2025 20:17

You need to address this now before more time passes. Tell her it’s not working out and give her a fair amount of notice to leave (a month should do it), actually give her the date, follow up in writing via text even. You don’t really need to explain yourself but to say that you needed to be paid on time especially to cover the central heating is important and you have higher standards of cleanliness than she has. You will probably not have her as a friend after this but instead of appreciating you she has taken the utter piss. I absolutely couldn’t tolerate somebody taking the piss like this so I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Make sure she pays you but more importantly get her out, you can’t be left to feel like this in your own home. Good luck.

Slipperhead · 28/09/2025 20:33

Theseventhmagpie · 28/09/2025 19:56

I would be really brutal OP. Tell her it’s not working and you want her to leave. I would give her a week to leave and I would be prepared to change the locks when she’s out if she refuses.

Unfortunately this.
You were so kind.
Sadly life has shown me through several friends recently whom were very kind to others, no good deed goes unpunished.
It is changing me and hardening me towards others.

You are a lovely woman but this person intends to screw you over.

Please be ruthless and protect yourself.
You so don't deserve to be treated as she no doubt intends to try and treat you.

I would give her days only notice and clear the house.
Put your valuables somewhere safe.

SisterMidnight77 · 28/09/2025 20:38

“No good deed goes unpunished”

TicTac80 · 28/09/2025 21:26

You've done a really kind thing to help your mate out. I think though, if you're not wanting to just sling her out now, sit her down and have a proper talk with her about things. You definitely need to speak up now and not leave it for longer (as she may assume that you're just happy with how things are). Reiterate the cleaning schedule (and any house rules you initially gave - and she agreed to!), get the money for her rent sorted (i.e. get her to pay you properly!). Maybe get her to get rid of the unwanted furniture. Explain that this needs to all be properly adhered to and she can't be late with the rent payments (not sure what to call it as she's a lodger, really, isn't she?)/not following the rules you put in, or you will need to terminate the agreement early.

Doing this, you've given her a heads up about things and a final chance to sort her shit out. Then there's no misunderstandings or shock in the future. Thing is though, you've been lovely to her but she's really overstepped the boundaries/rules that you have put in place. I know you're wanting to be kind, but I don't think that she is being much of a friend or very kind at all.

Autumn38 · 28/09/2025 21:35

OP I don’t think you are going to see any money from her so I think I’d use that to my advantage - make it sound like you are doing her a favour ‘I’m so sorry CFker but my circumstances have changed suddenly and I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ll give you two weeks and as I’ve messed you around I won’t charge you any rent. I will need the keys on X day by X time’. Then get ready to change the locks.

Upontherooooof · 28/09/2025 22:54

And back on their snooty horses they go haha!

Thanks again everyone. I'm off to continue the crime of kindness.

OP posts:
PotatoLove · 29/09/2025 07:40

Sounds like she's taking advantage of your kindness OP.

KimberleyClark · 29/09/2025 08:01

I would have a frank discussion. Tell her it’s not working out, she’s not honouring your agreement and she’s making your home unpleasant for you. Give her a chance to pull her socks up, but tell her she absolutely must if the arrangement is to continue.

Re the smell of her unwashed laundry, it may be that living in an old damp property she is used to smells, or maybe she doesn’t realise you can smell it. How is her self care generally? Do you think she is depressed?

gaslitorlosingit · 29/09/2025 08:19

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 14:06

@DoodleLug she asked if she could set up a direct debit and I agreed as it was easier for her. I was quite happy to help her out and thought it would be nice to have someone else knocking around, as it's even lonelier during winter and my property is quite large for just myself. She must have cancelled the direct debit though because I haven't received anything. She's been paid since she's lived here too. We get paid the same week.
I'll put it down to experience and stick to the saying of you don't really know someone until you live with them.

Could there have been some miscommunication, could she think she has been paying you? I would sit her down and ask her about the Direct Debit, I'd also put a rota up for the housework and tell her this is the only way it is going to work. Give her a shelf in the fridge and state to her that the rent for the room does not include food, also that she is renting the room and not the house so any items from her parents house either needs to go in her room or simply go.

Gossipisgood · 29/09/2025 13:34

I would ask her to join you for a cuppa & catch up & ask her how she feels the arrangement is going. Mention to her that your bank statements aren't showing her DD & ask that she checks her bank account to see why payments aren't being made. Let her know you're happy for her to use the washing machine whenever she wants & doesn't have to wait til you do a wash. I know she's not washing her clothes at all but this might prompt her to start. Let her know that while you don't mind her coming & going as she pleases, ask that she is mindful of you sleeping if she comes in at all hours. You really need to be assertive with her & ip things in the bud if she's staying. If it's so bad you feel you can't see it working ask her when she's planning of leaving & mention you have friends coming to stay on XXX date so if she can make arrangements to leave by then.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/09/2025 15:08

OP: The kind way of dealing with someone you feel is your friend, who you'd like to remain friends with, involves honest communication..

Why not ask her what's happened with the direct debit as it is not arriving in your bank account as promised, and ask her to arrange a bank transfer today to cover the arrears?

And why not explain to her that she can't just help herself to food that you've made, and earmarked for something else?

And why not have a conversation about sharing the chores more equally?

And talk about showing each other a bit more consideration in terms of adding furniture items to shared spaces, making lots of noise at 2am etc?

If you can't do those things, and feel that the only option left to you is to bitch about this friend behind her back (whether to us, or to other people) that isn't particularly kind.

Lots of people on here have surmised that she's taking advantage of you, and will continue to do so. The good thing about the arrangement being that she will pay you every week is that you only have to give her a week's notice if you decide that it's no longer working for you.
(and by the way, a verbal lodging or tenancy agreement is as valid legally as a written one, so ignore posters telling you that you should have put it all in writing - this is not essential)

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2025 15:12

Upontherooooof · 28/09/2025 22:54

And back on their snooty horses they go haha!

Thanks again everyone. I'm off to continue the crime of kindness.

If you could show this level of assertiveness in real life maybe you wouldn't be living with such a piss taker

shhblackbag · 29/09/2025 15:13

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2025 15:12

If you could show this level of assertiveness in real life maybe you wouldn't be living with such a piss taker

No kidding.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/09/2025 15:43

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 13:54

@Hurumphh hello, thank you for your response. The agreement was until the winter was over, as her flat as in really poor condition. It was also to give her time to save for a more habitable property.

She opened the door to her room the other day and the smell is awful. I have asked her if she has any washing, trying to prompt her along but she just grunted 'no thanks' and shut the door. I come home and there's cups, plates, food wrappers out. Never taken rubbish to the bin. I wasn't expecting this from a fully grown adult.

It sounds like you are too nice OP and she's taking advantage of you.

Put it in writing..
The mess.
Rent owed
Not keeping the room in good condition
and heating on all day.
Take photos of the mess.

Also do you think that she sees her DM's old furniture as part payment.. It sounds like she "gave" it to you for use in the flat.

Make it clear in a text that you don't want it and don't accept it as payment in lieu of rent so there are no issues with her later claiming you kept sentimental items from her. She's cluttering up your flat with old furniture.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 30/09/2025 10:43

Why was the 😆 reaction removed?
So many comments to laugh at

LilacReader · 30/09/2025 13:04

Apologies if someone has already mentioned this but I would ask her for a meeting suggesting it would be a good time for both of you to go through what doesn't work for you both. That way she doesn't feel like you are going on the attack but more working through things in order for her to stay.

That way, in a month or two you can say that it's not working for the reasons you mentioned before and you can give her notice.

Ponoka7 · 30/09/2025 13:13

I've got a feeling that she's going to claim the furniture is in lieu of rent.

Upontherooooof · 30/09/2025 20:56

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2025 15:12

If you could show this level of assertiveness in real life maybe you wouldn't be living with such a piss taker

just because someone is polite, doesn't mean they aren't assertive. You just add to the other keyboard warriors and I'd love to tell you this face to face. You little keyboard cronies wouldn't be half as confident face to face. You save it up and act a twat on here instead. I'm kind and polite. I'm no bully.

OP posts:
tommyhoundmum · 30/09/2025 21:30

Upontherooooof · 30/09/2025 20:56

just because someone is polite, doesn't mean they aren't assertive. You just add to the other keyboard warriors and I'd love to tell you this face to face. You little keyboard cronies wouldn't be half as confident face to face. You save it up and act a twat on here instead. I'm kind and polite. I'm no bully.

You are also rude to people whose advice you were requesting

Being kind doesn't mean being taken advantage of which your friend appears to be doing to you.

B1anche · 30/09/2025 22:09

Upontherooooof · 30/09/2025 20:56

just because someone is polite, doesn't mean they aren't assertive. You just add to the other keyboard warriors and I'd love to tell you this face to face. You little keyboard cronies wouldn't be half as confident face to face. You save it up and act a twat on here instead. I'm kind and polite. I'm no bully.

OP, ignore the comments you don't like.

Have you decided how to deal with your lodger/friend? I feel angry on your behalf about how she is treating you and your home.

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