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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tried to help out a friend

99 replies

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 13:46

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice please. I have a feeling things are about to go wrong. I let a friend move into my spare room three and a half weeks ago. They were living in a damp, run down apartment and couldn't afford anything more than what they were paying in rent.

About 2 months ago, they asked if I would consider renting them my spare room. I'm a single female, early 30s and must admit cost of living has begun to pinch me. I've know this person for around five years and after a discussion and some thought, agreed to this temporary situation, until something more affordable came along and to help me over winter with bills etc.

The agreement was she'd pay me weekly, we'd both do our bit in regards to cooking etc and agreed it would also be company for us both. I do get a bit bored of an evening and we both have similar interests, so thought this would be a nice idea, taking the edge off and helping each other in return. We agreed a schedule for cleaning also.

Initially, she paid me up front and helped a little around the house. We both have our own lives and so passed pleasantries as and when we were home together. Her mother has recently downsized her property and had some items of furniture to give away, I arrived home one day to some of these items in my home. She said her mum was going to skip them and so she thought I might like them. They aren't my taste but I just said thank you and thought I'd get rid once she leaves.

We are now three and a half weeks in, I have accumulated more things from her mother's house. She has not done any washing since she's been here, so much so there's an odour starting to come from her room. She has cooked twice since she's been here, but has eaten meals I've made for myself, when made extra for work. She hasn't paid me on time, if at all since. She sits in her room when she is here with tv on and heating all day or is out until all hours.

I don't really care what she does outside of here but it isn't nice being woken up at 2/3 in the morning, maybe 3 times a week, especially when I have work the next morning or am tired from working nearly 50 hours a week. There suddenly seems to be no friendship and I feel a little awkward in my own home, being avoided almost it feels. I'm not an overly loud or in your face person and have done my best to be welcoming, but I really am starting to feel uncomfortable. I can be home for 6 hours and she will literally walk past the room I'm in and not acknowledge me.

Would I be unreasonable to readdress some house rules and if unreceptive, give her until November to move? I'm really feeling a bit hurt and like a stranger in my own home.

OP posts:
Broccolitime · 27/09/2025 14:14

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 14:03

@Broccolitime is that how you approach your friendships in life? Contracts and bank arrangements? Sounds sad to me. Quite happy giving people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. I definitely would never ask a friend to sign an agreement if they came to me asking for help. Ever. Nor would I do so in the future.

There is nothing in your scenario that I can relate to re any of my friends.

All wonderful, supportive and considerate . And they include fellow uni student, then London house shares, then renting out a lodger when I bought. And yes the lodger was a friend and yet we signed a contract. And i will be attending her second marriage in two weeks time as we remain very close

Tyler4689 · 27/09/2025 14:17

I know it’s difficult, and it’s so easy for others to say “just tell her, just get rid of her” etc, but it’s awkward, I know. It’s sometimes easier said than done isn’t it!

It sounds like you’ve been kind, to the point of being a pushover (I say this kindly!) like just letting her bring all this furniture in, offering to do her laundry for her, allowing her to take your leftovers/lunch… and most importantly not paying you! You really can’t let her get away with not paying you.
It sounds like the friendship has gone, so time to step up now and not worry what she thinks of you. Have an honest chat with her and tell her it’s not working the way you imagined, you didn’t expect your house to turn into a tip, with all her dirty plates etc, her taking your food. Tell her that because she hasn’t paid you, you do need her out. Change the locks if she gets difficult. Look after yourself and your home.

Terrribletwos · 27/09/2025 14:18

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 13:58

Thanks all for your responses. I really appreciate it. I will give her until the end of October, should things not change in the meantime. @Bishopsbuddy Yes she works full time, but has 3 days a week off.

Thank you again. I will just change the locks and remove her goods if needs be. I don't enjoy being like this, but feel I'm being taken advantage of massively.

Of course she's taken advantage of you. The very fact that she dumped her mother's possessions on you without asking is taking the piss and then to go on and on with the general disregard of your place and space....wow!

Glad, you're going to give her notice...stay strong, I suspect she may try to baffle you with some more bullshit.

AbzMoz · 27/09/2025 14:19

Agree with pp - you need to have a frank discussion that this arrangement isn’t working and you’d like her to return to her flat or find other arrangements by end of oct.
mid her mother is nearby and downsizing why isn’t she there? She isn’t being kind by bringing her mother’s stuff to yours - it’s scrimping on going to the tip!
if your priority is getting her out (and I think it should be) then I’d possibly drop the point about payment - there’s a risk if she pays she’ll be even more entitled.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 27/09/2025 14:19

It doesn't matter how she pays, or if there us a written contract or not. She is a lodger, with a resident landlord and as such has no tenancy rights whatsoever. It won't be difficult to "get her out" at all . Worst case scenario , you change the locks while she's out

OP - there is no obligation on you, legal or otherwise, to allow her to stay. If you're feeling kind, readdress the house rules. If not, give her a weeks notice. If she doesn't leave, change the locks and agree a date for her to collect belongings then move them outside for her to collect.

goodnightssleepbenice · 27/09/2025 14:20

She cancelled the direct debit ! Omg I can’t believe how cheeky people are and she sounds extremely rude ! Have the conversation today and don’t be afraid of hurting her feelings , she hasn’t cared about yours .

Figcherry · 27/09/2025 14:20

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 14:03

@Broccolitime is that how you approach your friendships in life? Contracts and bank arrangements? Sounds sad to me. Quite happy giving people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. I definitely would never ask a friend to sign an agreement if they came to me asking for help. Ever. Nor would I do so in the future.

You're a fool then.
My dc borrowed money once and we drew up an agreement and both signed it.
It's not sad it makes the borrower or beneficiary more aware that this is a serious financial agreement.
Your friend has proved very quickly that she is happy to disrespect you and bite the hand that feeds her.

Terrribletwos · 27/09/2025 14:22

To add, I wouldn't be adding the proviso "if things change " , she's done enough damage. Rather, I think you're being overly kind giving her notice until the end of October!

Shr3dding · 27/09/2025 14:23

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 14:06

@DoodleLug she asked if she could set up a direct debit and I agreed as it was easier for her. I was quite happy to help her out and thought it would be nice to have someone else knocking around, as it's even lonelier during winter and my property is quite large for just myself. She must have cancelled the direct debit though because I haven't received anything. She's been paid since she's lived here too. We get paid the same week.
I'll put it down to experience and stick to the saying of you don't really know someone until you live with them.

She's taking you for a fool, there never was a direct debit because that's not a thing that a person can do.

It will be awkward but you need to explain it's not working for you and she's needs to move on

LikeStrawberriesAndCream · 27/09/2025 14:27

Oh OP, you're not the first and won't be the last to find yourself in this situation.
Many years ago, we allowed a couple - who we considered good friends - to move into our spare room after they had spent a year travelling. Supposedly for "a couple of weeks" while they looked for a new place.
It took months to get them out - during which time I realised that the bloke was an entitled, smelly, lazy arse who never lifted a finger, and was happy to let his gf work while he sat around playing computer games all day.
Never again!
YANBU. Nip this in the bud, OP.

B1anche · 27/09/2025 14:27

Have you brought any of this up with her?

I can't imagine not saying anything about her not paying rent or sitting by while she slowly trashes your home.

I wouldn't worry about offending her. She is clearly not a friend. Just get her out and change the locks.

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 14:28

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the supportive message. I'm out for the day no so will no longer be replying. Your guidance is much appreciated.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 27/09/2025 14:28

I might be wrong but I am assuming that your friendship isn’t going to come back from this now and even if she pays you what she owes, you don’t want her in your home any longer. Therefore, I would mentally write off what she owes you and just let her know she needs to leave by a certain date.

Do you have a garden, shed or outbuilding that you can put her mum’s furniture and any belongings in for the short term if she doesn’t voluntarily leave?

nomas · 27/09/2025 14:29

Don’t give her time, tell her she needs to be gone tomorrow.

PolkaDotPorridge · 27/09/2025 14:30

Upontherooooof · 27/09/2025 14:03

@Broccolitime is that how you approach your friendships in life? Contracts and bank arrangements? Sounds sad to me. Quite happy giving people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not to. I definitely would never ask a friend to sign an agreement if they came to me asking for help. Ever. Nor would I do so in the future.

And that’s exactly why you’re in this position. So you can’t really complain. But here you are.

Broccolitime · 27/09/2025 14:34

PolkaDotPorridge · 27/09/2025 14:30

And that’s exactly why you’re in this position. So you can’t really complain. But here you are.

Exactly

the OP would feel “sad” if she asked a friend to agree to a very reasonable contract agreement.

And here’s the situation she finds herself in. A rather sad one!

PinkyFlamingo · 27/09/2025 14:35

She's not really a friend. As a lodger she doesn't Gabe any rights either thankfully as you need to get out asap.

27pilates · 27/09/2025 14:40

Oh behave yourself @Broccolitime🤦‍♀️it’s not about you. Don’t kick someone when they’re down fgs.

Katflapkit · 27/09/2025 14:50

OP I think you've had a bit of a hard time on here. You thought it was a mutual arrangement beneficial to both but she has taken advantage. You weren't to know but now you do.

Aim for getting her out as soon as possible. You now know why she was living in damp and run down conditions - she created them. Be prepared for her to pull out all the tricks - 'I have no where to go'. If her mother lives close enough to keep dragging to your place, she can move in there. She will likely say 'But I all the stuff from my Mother's house is in lieu of rent'. No doubt she will offer to do better - cook, clean and take out the rubbish etc.

Start by saying it isn't working out, it was only temporary and you need her move out. Ignore any waterworks. If comes to it, list the reasons like the rent being late, eating your food but only cooking twice and the smell emanating from her room.
And don't fall for you the storing her mum's belongings until she gets a place. You'll be stuck with that stuff for years.

Good luck OP, you already know the friendship is over. She has broken your trust and clearly doesn't see you as a friend. Let us know how you get on.

ComfortFoodCafe · 27/09/2025 14:51

i would just be honest here and tell her you like to keep your home tidy & youve noticed the smell and her rubbish lying about. Also shes not paid you for x amount of weeks and would she like to pay you now.

I would honestly get her out though.

Philipthecat · 27/09/2025 14:53

PolkaDotPorridge · 27/09/2025 14:30

And that’s exactly why you’re in this position. So you can’t really complain. But here you are.

A verbal agreement is perfectly legal AND enforceable with regards to a lodger. The OP has done nothing wrong.

Nestingbirds · 27/09/2025 14:59

‘I need the rent outstanding paid today. It’s really important that we stick with our arrangement’

Nestingbirds · 27/09/2025 15:00

Then I would serve two weeks notice and ask her to dispose of the furniture in the meantime. She isn’t a friend and has no respect for your home.

mrssunshinexxx · 27/09/2025 15:01

Don’t give her to the end of Oct she isn’t going to change. 4 weeks notice from today

Flakey99 · 27/09/2025 15:09

She’s taking the piss and knows it.

The friendship is clearly broken so I’d give her 2 weeks notice to move out and tell her it’s not working out.

However, be prepared for her to cause you a lot of grief in those two weeks and possibly damage to your property and running up further big bills!

You’ll also need to change the locks after she’s gone.