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Original poster

Furious with son and hid girlfriend

86 replies

MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 01:01

DS mid 20's has been with GF a couple of years. Known each other since school. DS is ASD and although very clever, he does struggle with navigating relationships.
We all like GF, he is crazy about her always saying how amazing she is etc.She is very successful and moved away for a new job, he initially spent a lot of time with her as she was lonely. She has settled in now, and he sees her every other week for 4 or 5 days, usually travelling to her she comes to him once ior twice a month, and visits family and friends at the same time.
.He pays her "keep"when he stays half the bills and food, but also gives her money towards her mortgage. I reduced his rent at home as he is only here half the time. I was a bit surprised when i found out how much he gives her each month. I said i did think it was fair to pay half the bills and food when he's there, but thought paying towards the mortgage wasn't very fair. She also stays at ours a fair bit and i wouldn't dream of asking for anything.
last weekend we had a family dinner with all his siblings and she was joking, but being quite nasty about him. I didn't say anything but my DD said to me she was uncomfortable and felt the comments derogatory.
Suddenly he announces they have decided mutually to see other people. I am certain this is her choice, as he is besotted with her. He invited a girl (an old friend round) i said i felt uncomfortable, but he said GF was seeing other people also. I am really cross as i feel she is taking advantage of him, and i think he's going to get hurt. I am feeling really angry and don't really want her round here anymore. We have anyways treated her as one of the family. I cant tell him what to do but i am worried about him being taken advantage of. Am i being unreasonable not wanting to welcome her in my home any more? I also worry that his friend (who has always liked him) will get hurt as i think he's just inviting her round so he can say its a.mutual thing with the GF. Do i try and talk to him, or let him get on with it? Should i carry on letting her stay here, what do i do about the friend coming round. I just feel uncomfortable in my own home. I don't want to alienate him, we get along well, but im worried about him and angry with her it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, i just want to tell him to call it a day, if she wants to see other people she clearly don't have respect for him. Sorry about the rant.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2025 01:11

I think the water’s are a little muddy because of his ASD. 20-somethings a re supposed to mess about, make bad decisions and learn things from them. Mostly without their mum voicing an opinion. But because of his added vulnerability, you see more of a role for yourself.

Chances are this one will burn out, he’ll get his heart broken and eventually move on. If he loses a bit of money on the way, or messes around with a mate, as long as everyone consents, it’s fine. Not great but fine.

I do note that you’re assuming he’s lying about the relationship thing. All the young people I know are having complicated poli-nonsense relationships. It’s the zeitgeist in some places. I think they’re all insane but it’s a culture, not just one person deciding.

Morningsleepin · 26/09/2025 01:15

So you think his gf should stick with him because he is besotted? I understand that you probably feel more protective of him because of his autism but you cannot interfere so much in his relationships

DeathStare · 26/09/2025 01:45

I think their relationship is between them and its not your place to intervene. Yes he may get hurt, but most relationships end and most if us get hurt at some point. It's part of life.

Having said that, I don't think you would be unreasonable to say that only committed, exclusive partners can stay at your house. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with my adult DC bringing home constantly changing partners. If that's what they want to do, then I don't disapprove as such (it's not my business) but I wouldn't be comfortable having a revolving door of partners in my personal space.

Agapornis · 26/09/2025 01:47

Remember when 'seeing other people' was code for breaking up, rather than having an open relationship? Or maybe breaking up was what she meant but he misinterpreted it. I feel old and I'm only late 30s.

You don't have to accommodate his open relationship/throuple/whatever. He can go stay the night and have dinners somewhere else. I'd tell him to get his part of the mortgage back though. Bit stupid of his (ex)gf that he didn't just pay rent - surely it now means he has a stake in it.

MySweetMaggie · 26/09/2025 02:27

I wonder if it might be time for him to move out? I would feel really uncomfortable in that situation too.

TeddySchnauzer · 26/09/2025 02:36

It’s none of your business!

Franjipanl8r · 26/09/2025 02:45

Up the rent so he can’t afford to help her to pay her mortgage or ask him to move out. That’s all you can do.

Original poster
MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 02:48

I don't think she should stick with him, if she doesn't want to be with him she should end it not this messing about.
Also he cannot afford to move out on his own, so thats not an option.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2025 03:00

MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 02:48

I don't think she should stick with him, if she doesn't want to be with him she should end it not this messing about.
Also he cannot afford to move out on his own, so thats not an option.

Maybe she should. The question is whether is anything to do with you.

I know it’s hard with a ND kid myself. But they have to make their own mistakes.

I’d also advise you to cool the ‘like part of the family’ over investment in GFs at this age. They are not part of the family and treating them like they are leads to your feelings getting hurt, not just his.

Nextweektoo · 26/09/2025 03:17

Definitely talk to him one to one to feel out how he views the situation. Then maybe gently offer advice based on that. He would be a bit more vulnerable than your average 20 something owing to his ASD and possibly missing when she is insulting him etc

Octavia64 · 26/09/2025 03:21

You’d be unreasonable not to welcome her anymore.

they’re all like this these days - polyamory, polycule, blah blah blah, it seems to be fashionable.

whimsicallyprickly · 26/09/2025 03:37

MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 02:48

I don't think she should stick with him, if she doesn't want to be with him she should end it not this messing about.
Also he cannot afford to move out on his own, so thats not an option.

I agree that she's probably playing this silly game to work out if she wants your son in her life or not. But there isn't anything you can do about it if hes prepared to go along with her game. He's an adult and he's making his choice

I think I'd explain to him how you see it and then leave it. What else can you do?

I agree with PP that she isn't one of the family.....oh and he should NOT be paying her flipping mortgage

WearyLady · 26/09/2025 03:39

Call me cynical, I think she’s moved on from your son emotionally but is hanging on to him for the financial support he offers.

thefirebird · 26/09/2025 03:47

Firstly, perhaps check with the GF that this is in fact the actual truth?

whimsicallyprickly · 26/09/2025 03:48

WearyLady · 26/09/2025 03:39

Call me cynical, I think she’s moved on from your son emotionally but is hanging on to him for the financial support he offers.

Very succinctly put. I agree.

But again, as a Mum.... all you can do is give him your thoughts and then leave it be. And support him when the relationship ends

TiredCatLady · 26/09/2025 03:53

I think you’ll find that the GF is trying to break up with your DS and he hasn’t got the message. While the inclination will always be to believe what your DS tells you, are you sure it’s the truth?
You don’t say how long ago GF moved away for her job but presumably a while if she’s got a mortgage? Your DS hasn’t wanted to move to be with her full time or hasn’t made plans to do so? Depending on which end of mid-20s they’re at, that very much looks like their relationship has stalled.
Aside from the present situation, which you’re best steering as clear of as possible, it might be time to encourage your DS to move out as well.

RaisinRainbow · 26/09/2025 04:07

You have to butt out. It's his life.

FeistyFrankie · 26/09/2025 04:19

Sorry OP but I think your son's ASD isn't really relevant here.

He is young. He is experimenting and figuring things out. And right now, he's found himself in a polyamorous thing with his gf.

Let me tell you what I know about the polyamory lifestyle. When a couple "announces" they're poly after so many years of monogamy, it is almost ALWAYS instigated by one person, and the other just goes along with it because they know the alternative is losing their partner, which is just too painful for them to comprehend. Ao I think your instincts are correct. But what comes next?

They will both date other people. They will both sleep with other people. They may even have some threesomes and foursomes altogether (sorry, tmi). They might not though. But they are 100% guaranteed to have a ton of drama, either with their non-primary partners (practically a given), and if not, then definitely with each other.

Expect fireworks. Your son will get his heart broken. Their relationship is nearing the end.. they just don't know it yet. All you can do is smile, nod, encourage him to be safe, and be there to comfort him when it all inevitably comes crashing down.

His next relationship will be much much smoother, I'm sure.

Namechange822 · 26/09/2025 05:13

In your position I would stay well out of it.

I think that you’re missing a piece of the puzzle here, but that even if you had it saying anything negative about the girlfriend is going to be tricky.

The bit I think you’re missing, because he’s your son and you feel that he’s home, is the answer to the question “why is he seeing her like this?”

Why is he only there for 5 days a fortnight if he’s paying towards the mortgage? Has she limited or has he? Why is he still coming home so much? Why isn’t he paying 50 percent and living there?

Mapletree1985 · 26/09/2025 05:28

MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 01:01

DS mid 20's has been with GF a couple of years. Known each other since school. DS is ASD and although very clever, he does struggle with navigating relationships.
We all like GF, he is crazy about her always saying how amazing she is etc.She is very successful and moved away for a new job, he initially spent a lot of time with her as she was lonely. She has settled in now, and he sees her every other week for 4 or 5 days, usually travelling to her she comes to him once ior twice a month, and visits family and friends at the same time.
.He pays her "keep"when he stays half the bills and food, but also gives her money towards her mortgage. I reduced his rent at home as he is only here half the time. I was a bit surprised when i found out how much he gives her each month. I said i did think it was fair to pay half the bills and food when he's there, but thought paying towards the mortgage wasn't very fair. She also stays at ours a fair bit and i wouldn't dream of asking for anything.
last weekend we had a family dinner with all his siblings and she was joking, but being quite nasty about him. I didn't say anything but my DD said to me she was uncomfortable and felt the comments derogatory.
Suddenly he announces they have decided mutually to see other people. I am certain this is her choice, as he is besotted with her. He invited a girl (an old friend round) i said i felt uncomfortable, but he said GF was seeing other people also. I am really cross as i feel she is taking advantage of him, and i think he's going to get hurt. I am feeling really angry and don't really want her round here anymore. We have anyways treated her as one of the family. I cant tell him what to do but i am worried about him being taken advantage of. Am i being unreasonable not wanting to welcome her in my home any more? I also worry that his friend (who has always liked him) will get hurt as i think he's just inviting her round so he can say its a.mutual thing with the GF. Do i try and talk to him, or let him get on with it? Should i carry on letting her stay here, what do i do about the friend coming round. I just feel uncomfortable in my own home. I don't want to alienate him, we get along well, but im worried about him and angry with her it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, i just want to tell him to call it a day, if she wants to see other people she clearly don't have respect for him. Sorry about the rant.

Have you tried having his sister talk to him? Would that help at all? This kind of thing often doesn't go over well when it comes from Mum.

Mapletree1985 · 26/09/2025 05:31

Morningsleepin · 26/09/2025 01:15

So you think his gf should stick with him because he is besotted? I understand that you probably feel more protective of him because of his autism but you cannot interfere so much in his relationships

I got the impression that what OP wants is for her son to break up with this girl who seems not to value him.

Athreedoorwardrobe · 26/09/2025 05:33

You are over involved in this. This is your sons journey to go on. Most people in their early twenties go thru this type of drama. It's a learning curve. I think you need to take a step back.

Horses7 · 26/09/2025 05:50

You need to stand back and bite your tongue but be there if your son asks for support from you.
Don’t risk damaging your relationship with your son, don’t disparage this girl …. ever - they may get married and/or have your grandchildren in the future.
Perhaps his girlfriend is trying to let him down gently as she must realise he is besotted with her. Seeing other people is a huge indication that she is looking for someone else, sadly.

FrippEnos · 26/09/2025 06:32

I would be less concerned about seeing other people and more concerned about how much he is paying this woman.

I would be discussing the financial part of this before anything else.

Mycatissohandsome · 26/09/2025 06:42

Having two children in their 20s I would say butt out. It really is up to him to navigate this not you.